found out my exwBPD has a new boyfriend and it hit me hard

[BlackandBlue]

There has been NC between me and my ex for over 2 months now but tonight I found out while at work (unfortunately I work with my ex) that she has a new boyfriend. A guy I work with who knows my situation told me and when he did I wanted to smack him... .thought it was insensitive of him to tell me that. We have been officially broken up for almost 6 months now and I figured she was dating and maybe she had another boyfriend, but I really didn't want to know for sure... .now unfortunately I do. I guess deep down I wanted her to miss and still think about me. I also hoped her life is a mess and that she is miserable for what she did to me... .i know that might be wrong of me to feel that way but I cant help it. It seems that whenever i have a few good days something knocks me back down again.

[Rifka]

Black and blu,

I'm sorry you feel so hurt right now.

Your ex will not ever know what we do about being happy and the replacement is in for all of the bad, horrible, abusive treatment that you received.

I know it must feel terrible, our exes all seem to be heartless to others feelings which is why we are all together here.

Hugs to you tonight!  I know it's hard to believe that somebody we loved and cared about with all of our heart, doesn't give us a second thought unless it they need something or have decided to return to pull our puppet strings again.

I know that you can't see it clearly right now, but maybe she just opened your doorway to some peace in your life!

[Blimblam]

Black and buy I am really sorry you are going through this

[Mutt]

Hi BlackabdBlue,

I'm so sorry about the news. It hits hard when our exes quickly move into a new relationship and not validating the reality of the r/s. She is triggered by intimacy and cannot maintain a healthy interpersonal r/s.  It's painful and you have a right to feel triggered and angry.

Hang in there.

- Mutt

[willy45]

Dude. I know how you feel. Same thing happened to me. And it hurt like all h$ll.

But I'm over 2 years out. And guess what happened. Her new BF told her he was leaving the country and with no discussion left 3 days later. Crossed an ocean. And they seemed pretty serious. Integrated family and all. And what does she do? Call me. For days. And my life since has been the worst.

Point being this... .I probably felt like you do now. Probably thinking it was all your fault and she is super happy and you are miserable and this dude is awesome. Truth is, he's in for the same abuse. And is he has any sense, at some point he will pack his bags and move across an ocean to get away. Read my posts. This dude is in for the same ride as you. It isn't going to be better. With any luck, he is a sucker and she can control and manipulate him better than she could with you. And you will be left alone. No such luck with me... .Maybe next time.

[willy45]

All's to say, if she was abusive to you, she will be abusive to him. It'll take 6-8 months probably. But it will happen. And it will get worst. And he's in for a nightmare. Just as you went through. Best thing for you to do is stay NC. Focus on getting better. Let her play out her script and hope that he sticks around long enough to let you get some peace and start to see things clearly.

Hang in there buddy. You will be fine. The only thing that can really, really hurt you is being back with her. Although it might not FEEL like a blessing, your mind knows it is somewhere... .Latch onto that.

[Infern0]

This is certainly a blessing in disguise for you.  This poor guy has unknowingly sacrificed himself to save you. As much as you probably think you hate him now, nobody will ever do you a bigger favour. 

[BlackandBlue]

Thank you all for the kind words and support... .im so lucky to have found these forums. Im amazed at her ability to jump from relationship to relationship. 4 guys in two years and one was a marriage that lasted less than a year. Those are some serious red flags but yet it ignored them and paid the price. I actually wonder if she was cheating on me toward the end of our relationship... .ill never know and she wouldnt tell the truth anyway. I did start to beat myself up and wonder if was at fault for leaving me. Deep down I know im better off without her. I did more than anyone guy should have done for her in that relationship. The new guy probably has no clue what hes in for. Its sad to say but I hope karma kicks in and she gets dumped hard!. I will continue NC  and if she  does contact me I will tell her to f off!

[Loveofhislife]

Blackandblue: I read the title of your topic, and it really caught my attention. I have become nearly ill at the thought that I greatly assisted my exbfBPD for a year--nearly bankrupting myself, losing my job and close relationships so that he would dump me for another woman and/or pursue new "supply." I go back and forth about which is harder for me ego-wise: to have been dumped because he no longer loves me or because he's with someone else? Occasionally I find solace in knowing NO ONE will sacrifice what I did--sadly, most won't have it to give. And that's when I expect I'll hear from him again--when he needs money. It makes me sick to my core to recognize that's all he ever really wanted. Most other "sugar mamas" hopefully are wise enough to RUN when they learn of his felonious past! But I think it's going to hurt even more when I learn he is with someone else. 

[Rifka]

This is certainly a blessing in disguise for you.  This poor guy has unknowingly sacrificed himself to save you. As much as you probably think you hate him now, nobody will ever do you a bigger favour. 

Inferno,

You are so right! Yes the find a new unknowing victim immediately to jump through hoops for them, sacrifice everything for them, turn their lives inside out and upside down to please them. When they took everything possible including, self esteem, pride, money, and anything else left, they skin you alive, leave you raw, exposed and brain dead in a emotional coma.

Then its time for the next unknowing victim to repeat previous cycle!

It's like a black widow spider, but at least they eat their prey at the end first!

BPD survivors leave relationships looking and feeling like the walking dead!

It only goes to show how important it is to pay attention to the red flags the next time and run like hell at signs of anything! Boundaries!

It's up to us to say no and not allow these things to happen again!



Black and blue,


This new guy is really your free pass out of hell if you choose to take that path!

Change everything number, email, and everything and run like hell black and blue! Your captor has been distracted!

[Ryan9181]

I feel for you.   I have since deleted my instagram account, but I made the mistake of looking at her profile after we broke up.   It has only been one month since the break-up, but she had put up multiple pics of her and her ex-bf (older pics) saying he is the one true love of her life, and always has been.   It was kind of like feeling a knife slowly enter my gut at the time seeing that.   I dont know if she's back with this guy or not, but it hurt like hell.  And I felt betrayed.  For all I know she was sleeping with him throughout our chaotic 5 month relationship.   I know they were always in touch and "talking" and it always bothered me.   Triangulation in hindsight.   

It's been one month for me, and I feel like I'm starting to turn the corner for the better.  Less thoughts of her, less obsessing.  The thoughts come, but I let them go easier.  I have eliminated alcohol and cigarettes completely from my life, no drugs, etc.   I think that has helped a lot for me to be grounded in reality.   Also meditation has helped (TM) me greatly.    Exercise as well.   

Take care of yourself man. 

[Bellerphon]

I recently went through the same thing, which intern made me question the validity of what her therapist was sharing with the family planning team. It hurts... .especially when they have been lying the whole time and try to weld together a "new family-brady bunch style" with the new Beau's kids. I knew the was another person for a long time prior to that, but to have it come out and be reported by my kids was too much. Several boundries I felt where violated.

So what I am doing about it. Nothing... .in a sense while it ripped the band-aid off and was painful. For me it was further validation I made the right decision to leave her. I point out I knew she cheated during he marriage to the point where I had the kids genetically tested to make sure they were mine. She had taunted me at times. She is his problem now. E=in the end as painful as it is ... .liberation is right there with it.

[expos]

Take solace in the fact that your weren't the first person your exwBPD did this to.  You are just one of many exes.   Things never change for these people - they go from relationship to relationship and self-destruct.  Be glad that it's over and you don't have to deal with the crazy, moody behavior and all the terrible other things they do once they get out of that honeymoon phase.    Things will be better without her around. 

[RisingSun]

I know just how you feel. It stings like hell and cuts deep.

Just this last weekend was my stbxw's birthday. I've been NC for almost 3 months. She divorced me and left with OM. I figured she would at least wait until the divorce was final before posting photos of the replacement on social media. Nope, her birthday weekend camping trip with OM was all over Instagram and Facebook. What the heck!

By no means did I want to know about these posts. I don't visit her accounts for reasons such as this.  But my dad "forgot" I didn't want to know her comings and goings.

I know how bad it hurts to see how they've moved on with the replacement. Although I feel it's for my best. For one, it shows me clearly and beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm out of the picture. This forces me to move forward. Secondly, she won't be bothering with me for awhile. This will further help me move deeper into healing. Third, hopefully she won't be attempting a recycle after I've moved into full recovery. No temptation or opportunity to recycle is a gift beyond measure I'm starting to realize. I still crave her at times.

I'm moving more towards being thankful she's got someone else, even though it hurts. It leaves me no doubt this divorce is the right thing.   

[Infern0]

Mine already burned through the replacement,  inside of a month! Epic fail on her part.  Although I don't think he was a true replacement and more a tactic aimed at hurting me.  Anyways he's got out of dodge (good man) but my main line of defence against her just skipped town! !

As arnold said in terminator 3, "she'll be back" eugh.

[BlackandBlue]

Again, I just want to thank everybody for contributing... .it really means a lot to me. This has been the recovering from this past relationship has been the hardest thing ive ever encountered. Once im recovered I will stronger than ever. But like someone mentioned, i do feel like ive been skinned alive... .and the pain is almost unbearable at times. It seems like everyday new evidence comes up that proves there was a lot of lying going on by her... .i just feel so betrayed. As  for my replacement, i wonder just how long he will last. I dont think too many guys will put up with her crap for long. Im surprised i was able to for as long as i did. I guess im stronger than i give myself credit for.

[Jersey Roots]

BlackandBlue

I can understand some of your pain. Ive never had the challenge of seeing my ex especially at work. You have a choice of being the better person. I lost days of sleep and could have made my self sick at the drop of a hat. Mine was already seeing some one before she dumped me. The kicker... .she married shortly after I was handed my walking papers. Just remind your self that its just a shell of a woman... .no soul... .I still cry from time to time... .but would you want that misery back in your life... .I doubt it. Acceptance has been my biggest challenge of this ordeal. You have found a great safe place for help.

Chin up ... .its hard... .

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hey it sucks.  I had hope too that my ex fiance would snap out of whatever the hell she was in and come back.  It didn't happen.  She went two and a half weeks after ending a two year r/s.  She went on one date and has been living with the guy for the last 3 weeks after one date.  It is a blessing.  It gives me even more reason to detach and the best part is she will leave me alone since she has a new host.

You hurt because you had real feelings for her.  That just means you have a healthy heart.  One day you can share that with someone that deserves it.