Did I push them together considering she has BPD.

[Englishman]

I've told me story here and was just wondering if aybe someone can tell me if instead of breaking up my ex from her new guy I actually pushed them together, Here's how, and yes I know, it is getting immature. I'm visiting Europe for a few months and as soon  s I left my 10 year gf ran off with a guy who looks like a drug dealer from his FB pics. A 42 year old guy who just got tattoo sleeves, skinny, sunken eyes, surrendered by young people and quite obviously an addict. Of course my ex said that no way was he a dealer and yes, he did have a coke problem. The guy promotes clubs and has about 500 young girls on his FB... .so I decided he needed another one. I created a fake FB girl and added him a s a friend. Now I could see from his pics that this guy has aged considerably in the last two years. I started chatting with him... .he said he broke up from his gf the day before because she was too old and she didn't do it for him in the bedroom. He said her correct age and said she treated him REALLY well! He said, l'd love to meet for some adult fun. (the chat got pretty graphic) He said that one of his jobs was "providing stuff to party with... .white girl, molly cyrus and moon rocks."  By the end of the three hour chat he was waiting outside a bar for me with condoms, some coke and was ready to party.(2am) Coincidentally, the ex calls me up... .admits she's driving home from her new guys place and yes, he was out at a bar. I told her what had happened and she asked for the transcript which I emailed right over. She was horrified! She said she swore she didn't know what he did and asked to please not tell her family. She text him to say "thats not a girl" and the guy new that it was me. Game over. They didn't speak for 10 days... .she called me everyday here in Europe and boy was she down. She even said to me... ."please come home, no I hate you" (I'm currently split Black and this guy was white) Well... .after 10 days she disappears again... .and a couple of days later confessed that she was back with him. She said that he made mistakes and that thanks because I drove them closer! He now doesn't deal (I scared him... .yea right!) and he loves her very much. She said that they were taking a weeks break to see if they missed each other when he went off. After they got back together... .at first she said it wasn't him and a roommate took his iPad... .but when i pointed out that he knew my name... .she said "it was him, but it wasn't him." She says he doesn't have spilt personalities and wouldn't tell me more. Now... .they're apparently happier that ever! She's beautiful and Asian... .and he looks like Freddy Kruger on crack... .her whole family is horrified... .and she tells me the opposite. She says she's happier than ever and she feels better than ever! I don't get it. She loved the ___ out of me for 9 1/2 years until I came to Europe in April. Any answers any one cause this is just getting crazy.

Thanks... .this forum has been a lot of help.

[Englishman]

And one more thing... .should I provide the FB transcripts to the local police department where he says what he sells? Would they care? It's in Orange County, California.

[mywifecrazy]

What you SHOULD do has nothing to do with her and everything to do with YOU!

Think about it. Good luck to you brother!

MWC... .

[Englishman]

Agreed... .but easier said than done. Shouldn't have left her. She thought i was going for 6 months and bailed on the relationship. After a week... .she said, "I'm single... .you broke up with me when we fought in Feb." That's true... .but we then saw each other every day until I left in mid April. She obviously held onto that and used it with the "abandonment" to leave me. Last week she said she didn't know what she wants... .this week she says I hurt her to much. Yes... .I should run like the wind... .but, I feel a little responsible and I love the b___... .what can I say.

[mywifecrazy]

It is hard Enlishman... .I know from first hand experience. My only recommendation is what helped me and countless other on here.  You need to go No Contact to get your head cleared.  When you go NC and start doing what's best for you things will start to get clearer for you. You will start to see the craziness for what it is and you will realize that you can't change her and you will come to the conclusion that the most loving thing to do is to let her go.

Hang in there... .MWC

[stuckgirl]

Let me know if someone agrees with me,what if he was to provide the transcripts to the police and got him arrested,that would create a time gap between your gf and the guy,during which she might seek out you for support,or move on to someone nicer and safer,because from what i see its worth a shot to keep her safe from a drug addicted pi*p,i mean i know she's a grown up and can make decisions for herself,but her situation is different,she has BPD.and just put a person with BPD and drugs in the same room and they'll stick like magnets.you could do that for her,since you said you love her.

Do try to get her away from him,even if it means she wont be with you and might be with someone else.

You could also let her know that you're telling her family... .i think you should.

[Englishman]

I told a different cousin on either side of her family, and they acknowledged something was going on but didn't know what they could do without damaging there relationship with her. One cousin said "and she's not even hiding it" referring to Facebook.  (I'm blocked and so I don't even know what he saw) Another cousin who has a medical company said he couldn't d anything unless she contacted him. I tried... .but they won't step up.

[Rise]

Let me know if someone agrees with me,what if he was to provide the transcripts to the police and got him arrested,that would create a time gap between your gf and the guy,during which she might seek out you for support,or move on to someone nicer and safer,because from what i see its worth a shot to keep her safe from a drug addicted pi*p,i mean i know she's a grown up and can make decisions for herself,but her situation is different,she has BPD.and just put a person with BPD and drugs in the same room and they'll stick like magnets.you could do that for her,since you said you love her.

Do try to get her away from him,even if it means she wont be with you and might be with someone else.

You could also let her know that you're telling her family... .i think you should.

Personally I don't know that I would appreciate my ex choosing who is and isn't appropriate for me to date. You're right, this guy from what we know seems kind of scummy, and probably not good for her, but it is her terrible choice to make. And what happens if she instead moves onto someone equally as bad, or worse? Is he supposed to do this again and again and again until she settles on someone he does approve of?

[Englishman]

Hey Rise... .it's not just that I don't approve, it's that I think she's in danger. She's overdosed twice on prescription drugs with me and I've not known her do other drugs. She already got major depression. She says the guy is an addict and we know that BPD's will mirror which she certainly does. (she did to me and other affairs) She will spiral down fast, and because i left her I feel somewhat responsible. I even wonder if this is all a dig at me. As in... ."if you don't want me look what I will do!" She says "she's happier than ever and feels better than ever!"

Everyone says... .just walk away from her. But, it's hard. 10 special years and hundreds of memories... .and it seems they all mean absolutely nothing to her. She says she even hates it now when she hears an English accent! And she was the biggest Anglophile in Los Angeles. It's all just madness.

[stuckgirl]

Hey Rise... .it's not just that I don't approve, it's that I think she's in danger. She's overdosed twice on prescription drugs with me and I've not known her do other drugs. She already got major depression. She says the guy is an addict and we know that BPD's will mirror which she certainly does. (she did to me and other affairs) She will spiral down fast, and because i left her I feel somewhat responsible. I even wonder if this is all a dig at me. As in... ."if you don't want me look what I will do!" She says "she's happier than ever and feels better than ever!"

Everyone says... .just walk away from her. But, it's hard. 10 special years and hundreds of memories... .and it seems they all mean absolutely nothing to her. She says she even hates it now when she hears an English accent! And she was the biggest Anglophile in Los Angeles. It's all just madness.

Let me know if someone agrees with me,what if he was to provide the transcripts to the police and got him arrested,that would create a time gap between your gf and the guy,during which she might seek out you for support,or move on to someone nicer and safer,because from what i see its worth a shot to keep her safe from a drug addicted pi*p,i mean i know she's a grown up and can make decisions for herself,but her situation is different,she has BPD.and just put a person with BPD and drugs in the same room and they'll stick like magnets.you could do that for her,since you said you love her.

Do try to get her away from him,even if it means she wont be with you and might be with someone else.

You could also let her know that you're telling her family... .i think you should.

Personally I don't know that I would appreciate my ex choosing who is and isn't appropriate for me to date. You're right, this guy from what we know seems kind of scummy, and probably not good for her, but it is her terrible choice to make. And what happens if she instead moves onto someone equally as bad, or worse? Is he supposed to do this again and again and again until she settles on someone he does approve of?

i dont know,i wanted to give some advice on how to keep this girl safe,she does have a disorder that will often make her put herself in dangerous situations,and if someone wants to help,isnt it better than letting her destroy her life... .i know interferene with someone's personal life is not right,but a person can hardly stop themselves from trying to keep the people they love out of the way of danger,drugs do endanger a person,and a pwBPD could seriously harm themselves,just like other people might and their families might or might not force them to rehab centers.i have an SO with addiction problems.it isnt even a substance to which he's addicted,he has such a hard time with it,im definitely worried about the girl's welfare,and the OP does say he loves her.

ten years with someone is a long time.you can see them with someone else,but to see them throw themselves down a well,thats an entirely torturing thing.maybe i think differently in this,but i really would interfere if my SO was getting into r/s in which his health or life was in danger,i would poke my nose about everywhere.

englishman,is there someone closer to her that you can contact if you think it is appropriate?someone in her family,her parents or siblings? do you suppose contacting the authorities is a shot?

[mywifecrazy]

I respect everyone's opinion here but isn't this just Co-Dependancy... .On steroids?

Besides she is pwBPD the more you get involved the more she's going to paint you black and in reality might just push her more away from you and towards this scumbag.

IMHO I would just walk away and leave her to her own devices. There really is nothing you can do to help her. The only thing you may accomplish is getting yourself further enmeshed into her disordered world. You really do need to focus on you.

Whatever you do I wish you luck... .And peace!

MWC... .

[Englishman]

I've contacted her sister who lives thousands of miles away. Of course... .because of the years of fighting... .the sister believes her over me and isn't even getting back to me. I've contacted two different cousins who she respects and listens to but they've both said... .unless she comes to us it's difficult to risk the good relationship that they have with her. One works in the medical field also.

You're also right, I did interfere and broke them up for 10 days by exposing his job and the fact that he was willing to cheat on her. He thought I was a hot girl online. She was absolutely devastated but then went back to him and said "thanks, now we are closer than ever!" She said that I had scared him into not dealing... .yea right!

The whole thing is a mess... .I don't care if I'm painted more black because I'm getting to that point where I realize that there's no future for me and her. The screwed up thing is that after 10 years and being around her I only think of the good times... .I keep forcing myself to remember the many bad times... .but it's hard.

Even before I knew about BPD I use to say that she was a good person that did bad things! God knows what I don't that she did! Ironically... .when we met she was married and I met her on the internet. She drove to meet me at 1am and an hour later we were in my bed. 2 weeks later she moved in. Something tells me there must be dozens and dozens of guys that have had that late at night treatment from her. Sad... .all very sad.

[Suspicious1]

Sadly I just don't think you can interfere. Rightly or wrongly she ended the relationship with you, and it's her life now. She might have a PD, but she's an adult and has the right to forge her own life, however stupid it is. You've notified her family, people who are still involved with her and can care for her, and I think you need to step away once that's been done. By getting involved like that you're opening yourself up to accusations of harassment.

I too recently split up with someone (my ex husband) after ten years, and I got involved with my BPD ex bf. My ex husband decided my bf was no good for me and would come to my house after dark to slash his tyres. He was trying to scare him away from coming here. When I caught him, I reported him to the police for stalking and harassment, because he was massively overstepping a boundary by trying to take control of my life and decide what was best for me. He had a pattern of this kind of behaviour. Now ok, I don't have a PD, but still - he was making the decision on my behalf and interfering in my life when I'd decided to part ways. Maybe look at it from another point of view - how would you feel if a concerned ex of yours had seen you at the beginning of your relationship with this woman, decided she was no good for you and tried to intervene, posing as someone else online as a honeytrap to "prove" to you she was untrustworthy? Would you think it was overstepping a boundary?

I understand your desire to care for the person you love, but your ex made a conscious decision to end her relationship with you, and I think you have to respect that. You've notified people who might be able to help, and I think all you can do now is to step to one side and be there for her in case of any fall-out (if you want to be, that is).

[Englishman]

I pretty much agree Suspicious1. I've notified three cousins and that's about all I can do. Do I talk to the police about the fact that he says "he sells stuff to party with" and he actually wrote that to me, I don't know. I don't think they'd do anything any way. I'm certainly stepping back and am ready to get on with my life without the nightmare drama. Tuff to turn the love off though. Plus, I'm sure when I'm not 5,000 miles away she may have different thoughts. She has my car and my keys and my po box mail and so I have to get that as soon as I'm back. I just kinda feel that this whole behavior is actually all about rebelling against me and hurting me. It's so out of her character. She has one cousin who says that from FB she does seem like she's acting out and isn't happy... .although she insists to me that she "has never been happier.!"

Maybe I'm wrong... .after having a best friend for 10 years... .I don't even know her any more!

[Rise]

i dont know,i wanted to give some advice on how to keep this girl safe,she does have a disorder that will often make her put herself in dangerous situations,and if someone wants to help,isnt it better than letting her destroy her life... .i know interferene with someone's personal life is not right,but a person can hardly stop themselves from trying to keep the people they love out of the way of danger,drugs do endanger a person,and a pwBPD could seriously harm themselves,just like other people might and their families might or might not force them to rehab centers.i have an SO with addiction problems.it isnt even a substance to which he's addicted,he has such a hard time with it,im definitely worried about the girl's welfare,and the OP does say he loves her.

ten years with someone is a long time.you can see them with someone else,but to see them throw themselves down a well,thats an entirely torturing thing.maybe i think differently in this,but i really would interfere if my SO was getting into r/s in which his health or life was in danger,i would poke my nose about everywhere.

englishman,is there someone closer to her that you can contact if you think it is appropriate?someone in her family,her parents or siblings? do you suppose contacting the authorities is a shot?

Stuckgirl, I hope I didn't sound too harsh before.  I do understand what you're saying. And it's not a bad thing to feel that way. It's because you're a caring person. And wanting to protect someone you love is natural. But love, no matter how amazing and wonderful and magical it feels, is an emotion. And the fact is, like any other emotion, it can cause us to make really unhealthy choices we would otherwise never make. It's natural to worry about someone you love. It's one thing to voice your concerns. It's fine to let them know you are willing to help if you can. It starts to cross the line into unhealthy when you force your help upon someone you're not responsible for.

Hey Rise... .it's not just that I don't approve, it's that I think she's in danger. She's overdosed twice on prescription drugs with me and I've not known her do other drugs. She already got major depression. She says the guy is an addict and we know that BPD's will mirror which she certainly does. (she did to me and other affairs) She will spiral down fast, and because i left her I feel somewhat responsible. I even wonder if this is all a dig at me. As in... ."if you don't want me look what I will do!" She says "she's happier than ever and feels better than ever!"

Everyone says... .just walk away from her. But, it's hard. 10 special years and hundreds of memories... .and it seems they all mean absolutely nothing to her. She says she even hates it now when she hears an English accent! And she was the biggest Anglophile in Los Angeles. It's all just madness.

Englishman,

I want you to know I'm not unsympathetic to what you're going through. I get how you're feeling, and I know how terrible it is. I've been there. I know the confusion, and the desperation, and helplessness, and all the other emotions that a loss like this can cause. I also know how overwhelming it can all get. I just don't want to see you make the same unhealthy choices that so many of us have made in the past.

You are not responsible for what she is doing. These are her choices, and you can't make them for her. Sure, you may be able to throw a wrench in what's going on now, but you will never be able to protect this woman from herself. If she wants to do something, she's going to do it, come hell or high water. You interfering is only going to make her mad, make her resent you, pit her against her family, and/or more likely than not, drive her screaming into the arms of what you're trying to protect her from. Not to mention it's going to drag you down too and make you miserable.

I know you're intentions are good. But no matter what the reason is behind it, when you strip everything else away, at it's core, what you are trying to do is control her. And you can't do that. The only person you have any control over is yourself. That is a lesson you're going to have to learn no matter where your relationship goes in the future. Even if things work out and she comes back to you, if you try and control her, it's going to blow up in your face.

The best advice I can give is right now, take a step back, and focus on yourself. Work on healthy ways to deal with this. Make sure you are making the right decisions for your life, not hers. I know it's rough, but stay strong.

Rise.

[Englishman]

Agreed Rise. I already threw that spanner in... .and it did exactly what you said! Brought them closer! I've started the NC and you're right. I actually told her that this guy was bad for giving her coke... .and her words were "maybe I wanted it!" And this from a conservative beautiful mother of two teens! In 10 years I've not known her to do non prescription drugs. Now... .seems like she's buried in them... .and says she couldn't be happier! (Not sure I believe her!)

[Suspicious1]

I pretty much agree Suspicious1. I've notified three cousins and that's about all I can do. Do I talk to the police about the fact that he says "he sells stuff to party with" and he actually wrote that to me, I don't know. I don't think they'd do anything any way. I'm certainly stepping back and am ready to get on with my life without the nightmare drama. Tuff to turn the love off though. Plus, I'm sure when I'm not 5,000 miles away she may have different thoughts. She has my car and my keys and my po box mail and so I have to get that as soon as I'm back. I just kinda feel that this whole behavior is actually all about rebelling against me and hurting me. It's so out of her character. She has one cousin who says that from FB she does seem like she's acting out and isn't happy... .although she insists to me that she "has never been happier.!"

Maybe I'm wrong... .after having a best friend for 10 years... .I don't even know her any more!

The only similar situation I've been in was when my exbf attempted suicide. I was with him in A&E when he got *appalling* service and was sent home totally unsupported. He split me black and dumped me hours later, but was still showing signs of suicidal ideation that no one was taking seriously. I took all the information to my psychologist who said the threat of him still carrying it out was very high, and that he'd been sent home inappropriately. She told me that I couldn't stop him ending his life, but that I needed to inform his GP of everything I knew in a very factual way so that I could ensure they had all the information they needed and I could step away. This is what I did. It turned out to be the right thing, as his notes from A&E were never sent to his GP and so they knew nothing about it. He'd have been totally lost in the system.

He was furious I did it. I knew when I did it that I'd probably never hear from him again, but it was a choice between that and him still being alive, and him killing himself. I chose the former. I did it with the help of a psychologist, and once I'd done it I had to walk away. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

This isn't the same situation I know, as you're contacting authorities about her partner, not her. I understand you're doing it for the same reasons of concern. So what I learned was that I had to make a choice, because when you interfere with someone's life after they've ended a relationship with you, they are quite likely never to speak to you again and that's a chance you have to take. Are you doing it for the right reasons? What will you do if she gets involved with another drug dealer after him (because you can't keep taking responsibility for her)? Are you willing to risk her splitting you black permanently or being accused of harassment? Or are you hoping for reconciliation once you return there, because splitting them up and having her bf arrested is highly unlikely to achieve that.

[Englishman]

I went through the same thing. About 8 years ago I found out she'd been cheating on me with a guy that lived in another State. She'd even gone there to see him and he came to LA for business. I immediately told her it was over when i found out and she overdosed on sleeping pills. I drove her to the A&E where she spent the night. The next morning they ambulenced her to a Psch ward where she had to spend two days to be safe. I visited her and she begged me not to leave her, cried and promised and she said it was all over and she'd made a mistake. I agreed to stay. Six months later I found out she'd tried calling him just two weeks out of the psych ward but he didn't wanna know! Madness!

That was one of two times she OD'ed. I know she'll hate me for contacting her cousins... .but I'm split black anyway and maybe I need to move on and this will force that. I'd love us to get back together... .but, from what I'm learning there'd need to be a lot of provisions and I just can't see her doing them.

[Englishman]

So... .after 4 days NC... .I get this email. I'm not even back in the States for another 10 days yet.  Why does the letter almost seem from someone that cares, when I'm very certainly split black? She's undiagnosed but without doubt has BPD. She's even almost finished off paying for the car that I bought for her. Is this her pulling? I haven't responded and have realized that no contact will draw her to me more than anything. Maybe her honeymoon is coming to an end!


"Look, I'm really sorry about how everything is going down.   I hate it.   I wish things were

Different and I wish we could have taken off each other better.   I do care and love you but as I said,  so much bad had happened in our relationship is so hard to see the good.   I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. . Knew there had to be a good man in there but he never fully appeared which hurt really bad.   I finally gave up knowing I wasnt the one who was going to make you happy. .ever.

As far as the l lifestyle you're implying I'm developing,  it isn't true.   Yes,  we go out Fri and Saturdays but that's it.  You make it seem like it's a drug, sex and alcohol fest and is not.  I know your hurt ands you'll say anything to make it seem like your right but I'm sorry,  you couldn't be more wrong.   So please stop making stories up.   There are NO drug runs and my car isn't tooling people around it.  Please stop making that story up.

As far as the car,  I made another payment.   I will continue to make more until it is paid.   I am not working yet so please work me.  I told you I only got one months severance and I need it to stretch. . Please dont be so cruel.   I am trying to make things work ands I have made my payments.   Please give me that at least. 

It is strange not taking to you after all this time ands I do cry when I think about everything.   It's hard on this end to Paul but I am just trying to protect myself too. 

I'm not or to hurt you or anyone... I just want to be happy. 

I hope you're well."

[Englishman]

And then after NC for five days i let her know I'm flying back from Europe as I need my truck from her house. Then I get this. Am I split black or white? She's very hurt but wants to talk. She's with another guy but is that because I'm not there, and as she said to me "she just couldn't be alone" So hard to understand her!

I wish you would have told me when you were arriving.  I'm really sad and I'm not sure if I can look at you without being angry and sad.   I loved you so much and in some way  I still do but things are such a mess with us now.   I do want to talk but I can't right now or tomorrow... .I'm out of town for the night tomorrow.  But let's talk... I can't go away for a night or two... .I just cant.

Paul,  I'm really sorry about everything.   You were my best friend and I will be forever sad about all of this.   I just don't know what to do or how to feel about relationship.   I just hurt.

Then I get these:

You make me cry... I'm so mixed by your actions. . Why couldn't you just love when I needed you... .I'll call you in a few days

The hole you left in my heart is Huge

[Suspicious1]

Well, it sounds like the beginning of a charm attempt to me. How do you feel about it?

[Englishman]

I feel mixed about it. There can be no reconciliation unless she gets a proper diagnosis so at least we all know finally what's going on, and maybe also explain the last 10 years of both of our lives! She would accept help, I'm sure. We found a place at UCLA a couple of years back but her insurance wouldn't cover it. She had calmed down her behavior by then, and we just let it slide. (regrets) That was a couple of years ago. She won't drop the guy immediately (plus all of his friends) I'm sure... .but she will need to know that if she wants a serious future with me that that will need to happen.

This whole thing happened before two years ago when I was in the UK for the summer. Although, she always said that he was just a friend and also that he had cancer. She dropped him and his crowd when I returned. This new guy, she says she loves. So... .I just don't know.

[goldylamont]

Englishman, I'm worried that you don't have any boundaries in this r/s. Can you name one thing that she could do that would make you walk away forever and go strict NC? Cheating isn't a boundary since this already occurred and you stayed. Neither is continued abusive behavior. Is there anything she could do that would convince you to stop trying? If not then I think the issue at this point has more to do with codependency on your end rather than her BPD. It's difficult for me to see your continued contact with her at this point as her problem. I don't think anything will be resolved until you are able to heal and take some time for yourself. You are still highly invested in this person and I don't see anything positive that you are receiving from it. I feel like you are wishing for a change in her to make things better, but this isn't going to happen. You will have to change yourself and detach or you will continue to enable her. At this point you continued contact with her is enabling her because you aren't detached enough to give her guidance (which she does not want anyway).

[Englishman]

I agree. Once I'm back in LA I'll be going to some Al-Anon meetings. A good friend tells me that they would help.

My ex-BPDgf started emailing back and forth quite nicely but after hearing that I spoke to her cousin she flipped. Accusing me of trying to turn her whole family against her. Told me how great her new man is... .and he respects her! And then goes onto post a very nice "I love you" on his FB profile picture minutes later... .after I commented how ugly he looks. If that isn't a classic example of BPD immature cruelty then what is!

All this happening after she wanted to pick me up from the airport Sunday after I fly in and have a good talk as she's confused about how she feels. Now, she says she's done... .again. A definite email "rage." I explained that contacting her cousin was a sign of caring and love to anyone else... .but she just refused to get it. I do know him a little and he was a FB friend, so it wasn't a cold call. He expressed concern to.

Anyway... .it was a good reminder of how impossible it is to communicate with her even via email. No rational, no feelings, no sentimentality, no common sense, just excuses to have pure anger at me. Very sad.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Englishman,

"I'll" be going to some Al-Anon meetings.

"I" spoke to her cousin.

"I" commented how ugly he looks.

"I" explained that contacting her cousin was a sign of caring and love to anyone.

Very sad.

The way we conduct our side is the only thing we have any control over.  What she chooses to do is her business, her side.

They'll probably address this in Al-Alon



 

[Englishman]

And then a few comments went back and forth and now she won't even say that she'll pick me up from the airport... .as she suggested! I've made other plans. One day one thing... .the next something else. One day she doesn't know how she feels about me... .the next day... .I hurt her to much and she can't get over it. Also her new guy makes her soo happy. He respects her when I never did! When I commented that he was a drug dealer... .she said "well you can buy drugs anywhere!" This coming from a girl that doesn't normally mess with drugs. So my conservative, beautiful, unemployed girlfriend is now laying in bed all day with that sleaze bag. I know... .none of my business! I wish I could turn the caring off after 10 years but it's hard. Ironically, the BPD almost makes an excuse for her bad behavior... .medical condition etc. Also... .I do blame myself for leaving her on the other side of the world every summer, and since she's done this before... .I should have listened! We are still barely communicating... .a couple of days ago she called me... .I couldn't talk and she said she called me back later... .of course, that never happened! With her... .you are either number one... .and worshiped as I've had for 10 years... .or you're nothing and not even worth any truth. That's where I sit. Will she get over the infatuation... .she didn't with me. Maybe this is a long term thing. I'm certainly split black and she cares about nothing I say... .after always being so in love with me for so long. Damn... .this is hard. I fly back to LA sunday and so... .maybe since I'm no longer on the other side of the world... .it'll shake her up. Maybe I've been out of sight... .out of mind!

[Rise]

Ironically, the BPD almost makes an excuse for her bad behavior... .medical condition etc. Also... .I do blame myself for leaving her on the other side of the world every summer, and since she's done this before... .I should have listened!

This is one of the tough parts to reconcile (or at least it was for me). She's ill. She has a disorder that compels her to act a certain way. She lacks the ability to emotionally cope with certain situations. And yet she is still responsible for her choices. Not everyone with BPD makes the same choices she has. Not all people with BPD cheat. Not all of them abuse drugs. There are a lot of things behind her actions (fear of abandonemt, impaired object constancy, lack of a secure sense of self, etc.), but it's still her choice, and as such, it's her responsibility. Blaming yourself is not healthy, because in no way do you control her actions.

No matter which way you decide to go, whether you choose to let things go and walk away, or pursue a relationship with this woman (assuming she changes her mind), you have to stop taking responsibility for her mistakes. It is going to do nothing but make you miserable. Taking responsibility for our choices is healthy, because we can change our behaviors and resolve the mistakes we've made. We grow and become stronger people by working through them. When you take on someone else's choices it just weighs you down. And it builds up until you can't handle it anymore, because there's no way to work through bad choices or grow from mistakes you didn't make in the first place. The only way to get out from under them is to let them go completely.

Not only that, when you take responsibility for her have actions, you take it away from her. Why should she ever change what she's doing, when its not her responsibility? I know that's how she thinks now, but if you want a healthy relationship with this woman, you can't reinforce that idea. You keep letting her know it's okay. And as long as she thinks it's okay, she will not ever change.

I know you want her to seek therapy, but have you considered seeing a therapist yourself? Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It can be a giant relief, and it can help you gain some clarity on your situation. And truthfully, you will not ever be able to address the issues you have with your ex if you don't address your issues first.

Best Luck,

Rise

[Englishman]

Thanks Rise... .good advice. I give up with her. Found out she's now neglecting her own kids.  Arrived back in LA two days ago... .nothing... .no pick up... .no response to emails. So... .stayed with a friend... .then yesterday... .I picked my truck up from her house. (3 tickets) and had to give her some bags back that were in it. Called... .no answer... .called again and again... .finally she answered. We spent 3 hours on the phone and she was soo normal. Yes, I hurt her... .but she cared and loved me very much. But... .she couldn't go back! By the end... .she said that... .she wanted to think about everything... .give her a little time. ok... .sounds reasonable. Then, tonight... .her FB profile pic is replaced her cuddling her drug dealer bfriend. Final straw... .what the "f" was she going on about yesterday. After our conversation... .she text me (no encouragement) "I'll call you tomorrow" Of course didn't call... .more lies... .