Fearing upcoming talk

[empathic]

Something I'm having difficulty handling lately is when my wife tells me "we need to talk later", or in this case she wants just the two of us to have dinner the coming weekend, and asked me to ask my parents to babysit the kids.

The trigger in this case I believe to be that I didn't respond to her wanting to cuddle when I was sitting down in the sofa after an entire day's garden work. I could tell just by looking in her eyes in the morning that something was wrong. The thing is, I have a really hard time to "forgive and forget". I don't feel that I'm in love with her anymore due to her past behaviour.

I make an educated guess that she wants to corner me with the types of questions "what do you want our relationship to be like?", "do you even want us to have a relationship?", and I don't know how to answer those. I'm daydreaming almost constantly about what it would be like to live by myself (with the kids) and not feel like I'm being judged all the time. Getting back to feeling positive again, doing things without having to run everything by her.

But I feel a great deal of anxiety just thinking about telling her any of this. I hate hurting other people. I guess it's in a way inevitable that something must change though. I can't picture the two of us living together after the kids leave the nest. She'll be constantly disappointed in the lack of affection, and I'll have constant anxiety about the pressure she will put on me from that.

We have actually been doing quite OK lately (apart from the lack of intimacy and affection). Then it's like she'll get pushed over the edge by something, like being tired or something external, and she suddenly can't stand the situation anymore. And then she wants me to explain myself (or just to yell at me), and things will get back to point 0 above, again.

Any ideas?

[Mutt]

I'm sorry empathic. It's tough when you feel like answering a question with a pwBPD about the relationship is an attempt to make us feel guilt or the potential they she may punish you.

I'm daydreaming almost constantly about what it would be like to live by myself (with the kids) and not feel like I'm being judged all the time. Getting back to feeling positive again, doing things without having to run everything by her.

It takes a lot emotionally to have to run everything by your spouse and having to tend to all of her needs. While your needs are being neglected. How are you taking care of yourself?

But I feel a great deal of anxiety just thinking about telling her any of this. I hate hurting other people. I guess it's in a way inevitable that something must change though.

You're venting here now which is good.

[empathic]

Thanks for your reply. It turned out she's come down with a bad cold, and was worn down by this before it broke out. That explains why she was feeling down, in this case. And when she's feeling down someone always has to pay for it (usually me). I have confronted her earlier "why do you need to take it out on other people when you're not feeling good" and she usually answers that that's the way they did it in her family growing up. I realize now that I need to put up a boundary on that, I do not accept that kind of explanation anymore.

I'm taking care of myself by exercising more, eating healthier and seeing a T. Slow progress... .