I should go...

[Should I stay or...]

I have posted my story over the last 6 months, my little runaway! originally, posted on the staying and improving forum when my SO had run away several times for several months only to return. My gf has been diagnosed with BPD... .We have been in a relationship for over three years on and off... .the on and off part is because her impulsivity to leave happens so often? I do love her very much but her impulse to leave just to re-regulate gets the best of us all the time.

I wasn't as educated on BPD at that time of those originally posts to these impulsivity events, I was searching for answers here, there and everywhere. When she did recycle me back in I was ready will and able to reestablish our relationship. On occasion I would check back in to the site with a progress check on our relationship  I was hoping to be the exception to the rule, a successful long standing relationship, a relationship with out these long pauses.

... .latest event happened during our planned week vacation to the Jersey Shore... .Mind you, I've been left at birthday parties, weddings, and now most recently on the first day of our vacation... .we went out for early appetizers on our first day there at a wondeful beach side restaurant with her two children. They ate some pasta but my gf didn't eat. We shared a half a carafe of wine and I had some bisque. We were planning to go back to the room and have a full meal afterwards... .My gf went to the ladies room before we left the restaurant, upon her return she states: "I looked into the mirror and I saw that I'm not happy, I want to take a cab home, I want to go home."

She proceeds to walk out of the restaurant and walk towards the beach with her two children in toe, they walk towards the ocean as I watched from the boardwalk. They stand there for at least 15 min starring towards the water. They walk back to the car and I told her that I'll drive her back home if that's what she really wants... .I drove us back to the hotel gathered everything, her kids were compliant and didn't say a word... .she berated me on the whole ride home, while looking totally out of the passenger side window, never looked at me, she was perpendicular to the windshield in a disassociated state of mind... .They say, being in a car ride with out an escape for a pwBPD is one of the worse situations couples can be placed in... .

She put me down so hard it triggered all my childhood hurts, I was in a full blown ptsd event... .she raged on and on; "I hate your daughter," screaming, "you're only going out with me to F*** me"... .right in front of her 12 yrold daughter and 8 yrold son. I lowered the rear view mirror to see her daughter sitting in the back seat and mouthed to her, "I'm so sorry." She mouthed back, "I know"... .it's been a month since this event and I haven't contacted her... .This is too traumatic for everyone, especially her children. I want to hug them and tell them someday they'll have their own voices... .I knew their total compliance with their mother's irrational decision/behavior to leave on the first day of a vacation, not complaining or crying was common place.They know that her love for them could be taken away just as easily and suddenly.

Here's the take home:

The one word that best describes a BPD is "instability." Emotions are unstable, fluctuating wildly, often for no discernible reason. Thought processes are unstable-rational and clear at times, quite extreme and distorted at others. Behavior is unstable- often with periods of excellent conduct, high efficiency and trustworthiness alternating with outbreaks of regression to a childlike states of helplessness and anger.

Self control is unstable, leading to impulsive and chaotic relationships. Out of the blue tantrums. Associated with this instability is terrible anxiety and self-loathing for which relief is sought at any cost, drugs, alcohol etc... .stopping the anxiety only temporarily.

The effect on us is profound: no one knows what to expect from their child, spouse, gf, so except that they expect trouble: outbursts of rage and impulsivity, suicide attempts, divorces, pregnancies, and abortions, and a pervasive sense that we are unable to help.

[patientandclear]

Should I Stay ... .You're right, it's so damaging. If you have super-human self-confidence, awareness and self-control, you can let it all roll off, but it's not clear what you have left if you do that. Also, when I contemplate what is required for staying, I don't know how people pull off the mental magic trick of discounting all the hurtful things and taking as true all the good parts. Both seem driven by BPD.

Your clarity is inspiring. I'm sorry your courage and patience with her hasn't resulted in a happier outcome, but trying does allow us to be more sure there isn't an alternative approach that could have changed the result. Hugs.