Cycle of Seeking Approval from uBPD Mom

[Change2014]

I was wondering if anyone here also struggles with approval-seeking with BPD parent?  I find myself wanting to share things that I am proud of or excited about with my uBPD mom and there is part of me that tells myself not to, and then I go ahead and I am inevitably disappointed.  It is like I am a little girl that is saying, hey mom look at me.  I was the golden child when I was young and now our relationship is strained.  I find her now acting just really flat when I try to share my happiness and joy.  I even try to share things that are more of interest to her that I have started taking an interest in and I get the same result.  I know I am probably expecting too much of a response and need to let go, but I also feel hurt like she is purposely holding back or doesn't celebrate things with me.  It is frustrating because she will criticize me when I vent about something that happened because she says that I am being too heavy and she just wants me to "keep it light."  But when I talk about things I am excited about, she doesn't seem to respond much differently.  I know that I have to practice more acceptance and expect less, but I just wondered, do any of you struggle with an impulse to seek approval from your BPD parent?  Thank you.

[Kwamina]

Hi Change2014 

I can relate to your desire to share things that you're proud of or excited about with your mother. I think it's only normal to want to do this but with a BPD parent it can be very hard. I have experienced this many times myself and for years just kept trying and trying but never got the responses I wanted (and needed) from my uBPD mom. After learning about BPD and how to deal with people with this disorder, I slowly started to change and have become better in 'curbing' my desire to share things with her. Based on your experiences with your mother so far, it probably would help if you could find a way to lower your expectations of her. I drastically lowered my own expectations of my uBPD relatives and this has helped me develop new ways of dealing with them. It still feels strange though because I still at times think how unfair it is not to be able to share these things with my own mother. You could say that I have given up the hope that my mother will ever be the mother I wanted and needed. Letting go of the fantasy mother isn't easy but the situation I was in before was even worse. Do you feel like you need your mother's approval to really feel happy about the things you experience? Or is it more that you're longing for the loving mother she doesn't seem to be anymore?

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Hi!

I second everything Kwamina  said. It is so amazing to have such shared experiences here on the boards. Like- we know how you feel.

Once my BPDs responded to my telling her of  longing for a loving relationship with our BPDm.  "You always loved her more than I did", she said in a revulsed tone. ( sis had been ranting about what a " leech" our mother was to her, and  how disgusted she felt at my mom saying to her that sis was her best friend)

Later I thought about it and realized it was because I had to work for it. My sis and NON BPD brother were split good  .

My non BPD dad & I were split bad.

I grew up squelching all feelings of frivolity and joy because it would inevitably bring an attack

once when I told  mom how grateful I was for all my good friends, she said, " they're not your real friends, they don't know u like we do". How's that for love and support? :'(

This is just a tiny example of years of this type of rejection of me as a person.

what I was longing for was the time as a young girl sitting on my mom's lap, and reading stories to her . After my sis was born when I was 6 all that stopped and any closeness between us did too.

I mourn that feeling as well.

[Change2014]

Thank you to you both.   

Kwamina:  I do need to develop the skill that you have which is to resist temptation to share.  I guess I should take it as progress that I at least recognize the problem.  Before, I would share share and share and not recognize the pattern.  I think part of it is that I was trained at a young age to share everything with my mother.  She would ask me what I was thinking when I was quiet, want to hear the details of my day, invade my boundaries (read my diary), and also share a lot of personal stuff with me when I was too young, i.e. her frustrations with my father.  I was an emotional caretaker a lot for my mother and we were emeshed.  I think old habits die hard and I am just programmed to share.  I got a lot of validation from her when I was young.  I am going to work on sharing less.  It feels reassuring knowing that I am not the only one that has encountered this.  I thought it was just a sign of emotional immaturity but now that I started learning about BPD, I am seeing how it all fits together.  To answer your question, I think I am longing for the loving mom that I don't feel like I have anymore.  I am able to feel joy/happiness without her approval, thank goodness.  I used to struggle a lot with making my own decisions and needing her approval, but thankfully have moved beyond that. 

Sparrowfarfrom home:  It is amazing to have shared experiences.  I feel less alone, thank you.  It is sad when we have to squelch our happiness and joy.  A parent should want their son/daughter to be happy, not punish them for it.  But I guess as they say, misery loves company and it seems BPD's are miserable.  It is so hard mourning that closeness when it was once there and it is especially hard when I see other mother/daughters have a good or at least healthy relationship. 

Thank you both for sharing and making me feel like I am not alone. 

[WilliamItWasReallyNothing]

Before, I would share share and share and not recognize the pattern.  I think part of it is that I was trained at a young age to share everything with my mother.  She would ask me what I was thinking when I was quiet, want to hear the details of my day, invade my boundaries (read my diary), and also share a lot of personal stuff with me when I was too young, i.e. her frustrations with my father.  I was an emotional caretaker a lot for my mother and we were emeshed.  I think old habits die hard and I am just programmed to share.

Hello there. You've just described, almost word for word, my relationship with my own mother. I would find myself sharing inappropriate levels of personal detail voluntarily, my diary was read when I was younger, I became a marriage counsellor, and to an extent a grief counsellor too as my mother lost her father in a car accident when she was 16 and never grieved for him properly.

It's hard, though, isn't it? So often I take photographs of plants in flower and want to share them, as that's part of the pattern - my mum encouraged me in interests that either she pursued already or regretted not having the opportunity to pursue (music) - so the things that I thought were "mine" were really all about gaining approval.

Since putting a bit of distance between myself and my mum I've started to enjoy my hobbies on their own terms a bit more. But that pull is still there.

[HappyChappy]

... .but I just wondered, do any of you struggle with an impulse to seek approval from your BPD parent?  Thank you.

My guess is anyone with a BPD parent will struggle with this. But I've found others to share things

with. I think the struggle is wanting the mother we all should have had. One of the Borderline books

I read suggested I grived this mythical person, the mother we want. And that realy helped. Now I

deal with a BPDm so know better than to share. Share with your friend and own family.

The point made earlier about BPD training us to spill the beans all the time. My BPDm use to listed in on our phone converstations (we had two phones). You would hear her breathing, hear the slight echo and say "I know you're on the phone" and she still wouldn't confess. I once put a lock on a box, she went crazy angry and threw the whole box away - lost all my most pressious items. But when you can detach from the mother we should have had, and you stop charging at windmills, it's a better place to be. 

[Harri]

Hi Change.  I'm just popping in to say I can relate to seeking approval.  With my mom, sometimes she would be indifferent, but what happened more frequently was she sort of took over whatever it was I shared.  It became about her.  If it was something I worked hard on, say a grade in a certain class, she had a way of taking credit for it and rather than expressing happiness it became about me being her daughter.  Even when she would hug me, it was sick and inappropriate and it became about her pleasure and what she wanted.  I stopped sharing. 

HappyC, I agree that allowing ourselves to grieve the loss of the mythical mother is necessary to move through this.  Sometimes I think there will always be a certain amount of grief lingering in my heart.  I can let it go to a certain extent, but never having a 'normal' mother will always be a loss.  Time and distance helps dull the feelings, but they are still there for me.   

Sparrow, this line here was like a lightening bolt for me. 

once when I told  mom how grateful I was for all my good friends, she said, " they're not your real friends, they don't know u like we do". How's that for love and support?

This brought me right back to the belittling snide cruel remarks that were so prevalent growing up.  Gosh, the bitter tone of voice, the sheer hatred from her that cut me to my core... .I have no words that can begin to describe the hurt those types of words caused.  My mother used shame and humiliation as weapons and would often say things like that.  Those words are not about you though.  They are a reflection of how she sees her own self and she is/was projecting them onto you.  What a horrid thing to say!

Thanks for sharing.  I'm with you guys... .it does help to know I am not alone.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Change

What an interesting thread. It seems quite common to cycle and cycle back into the same groove of wanting our mother to love us and connect with us on an emotional level. And of course it is so natural! The first love we knew - distorted and lacking though it may be and it laid a blueprint. We go looking for it because it is s intrinsic. So necessary. And a mother without emotional dysfunction would have taught us that we were lovable by seeing ourselves through her loving eyes. Being's how the first bit is missing or badly twisted it makes complete sense that we keep looking for it - her approval is proof that we are lovable.

I have been much struck with the novel thought that I don't love myself which is why I keep looking for others to love me, then dismiss their love because really ... .I just want my mum. "Ridiculous!" I say Of course I love myself! <Then goes on to list accomplishments and character traits that other people have told me I have> "Well if it's ridiculous," I hear myself whisper "Why are you still disappointed when she dismisses you and doesn't approve of your eminently approvable things? Hmmm?"

So I figured out accidentally a way to put these together. When she does something that shows approval even though I know it is shallow and fleeting I  keep an eye on it. then when she goes back to showing me that this ain't real mother love I see it as further proof that my 'diagnosis' of her was right and that means I am smart cause I figured it out!

I guess what I mean, Change is - we need that approval. Crave it born with knowing we need it and it's perfectly functional as humans. But that well is dry or only full of murky water. Can we dig another well of our own and fill it up with sweet water? Sure. Sounds viable but how?

Could you imagine taking those things to yourSELF? Ask yourself what YOU would say? If you showed up with a present or were wanting to talk about something that interested your mother (which is so SO kind to take an interest in her like that) what would you say to yourself? Showing up at your door all bright eyed and hopeful that this would be the day when you would hear yourself and cherish yourself.

When you would be that kid performing and saying "Watch ME Mum! Watch ME!" Would you disdain yourself if you were a separate person? Would you be interested in all the wonderful things inside you? Wouldn't you want to know more and more about that amazing human being?

What Kwamina said here:

Letting go of the fantasy mother isn't easy but the situation I was in before was even worse. Do you feel like you need your mother's approval to really feel happy about the things you experience? Or is it more that you're longing for the loving mother she doesn't seem to be anymore?

i just resounded with that Kwamina. thank you so much. Believe it or not it made me see I don't even actually have a fantasy mother! I am going to think more on that. It seems important.

And those are really great questions. So insightful

I hope you can feel better soon Change. You've already come so far and this is really heartening for me to see you work so hard on your struggles. Well done