It's me with BPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I started researching BPD extensively after I started dating my boyfriend and something just seemed off. I'm no stranger to dysfunctional relationships (family, friendships, and romantic ones). Please bare with me. I am in therapy, but my I've read so many text, documents, studies, etc... on the issues, that it's hard for her to treat me. I also thinks she believes because I read/know so much, I'm over "self diagnosing". **if I posted this in the wrong place, please movie it for me**

Bio - 38 year old woman, never married. My mother is severely bipolar and was untreated when I was a child. My father (covert narcissist) was never home, nor supplied any financial support to my mother or her 4 kids even though they were/are married. My older brother (a genius) was a mental sadist to us. EX - Cooking food, while we weren't allowed to use the stove and had nothing to eat, he'd eat in front of us, and give us his crumbs. When my mom did cook, he'd tell us she spit in our food. Many times I had to be the primary caregiver for my 2 younger siblings.

I find myself always wanting to be the "rescuer" in relationships. I find comfort in dating people with more "problems" than me, because it makes me feel better and important. I think I feel more secure and want to be the "winner" in the pair. All of these people I "rescue" do well in the beginning, but as more "intimacy" is built, they spiral down in self destruction and sabotage. In my childhood, I had intense anger "no one loved me" "i'm unlovable" etc... Literally beating myself up and even burning myself on a few occasions or literally pulling my hair out. In my 20s, I had intense rage. I once even punched a wall and broke my hand because my exBF (a narcissist) made me made. I threw and broke things, and was very passive aggressive. Blamed everyone for everything. I've also many times prayed for a semi truck to hit me to "make things easier" to "ease the pain" or "just get the suffering over with".

As I've aged, I've calmed down a lot and worked on taking responsibility for myself. However, I'm fake in relationships... .very pleasing, keep things bottled up, very sexually pleasing, etc... I also have issues with BDSM and being extremely submissive. One big problem I see in myself - when someone "betrays" me after I've took and took, I paint them black. I'm done, and feel no feelings for people I assumed I "loved" in the past. Ex - My sister was very confrontational and very hurtful to me, I feel netural towards her now, not love... .  I do have true empathy, but come more having empathy for strangers than people I know. I can't feel my own feelings. I can't identify them.

Is there a test or something for me? My therapist doesn't seem concerned.

Now the second part, and I'm so sorry this is long and time consuming. I thought my current BF had BPD. However, I've noticed that fear of rejection is his biggest concern. That if the relationship fails, it is his fault... .Most of our conversations are about him, and his feelings, yet there is no intimacy at all. Once he knew that I had feelings for him, and there was some 'sort' of connection between us, he did a complete turn around and started walking all over me, putting the very minimum effort into the relationship. Only coming here and there to "secure" the relationship just enough to keep me hanging on. Even going as far as to getting a "car pool" buddy that he spends all his free time with that supplies him with "admiration". He has extremely low self esteem, but narcissist tendencies. His former relationship lasted about 10 years, where he had a complete break from relativity after it ended... .declaring that his ex is super crazy and manipulative. However, since I've been with him for a year, I'm starting to see he is driving me crazy and I feel sorry for her. He controls everything in our relationship - contact, the time we spend together, and even a lot of times not even showing up, then telling me hrs later "to go about my day" because he isn't making an "appearance". He is also super avoidant. If he knows he's been "bad", he avoids me until I change the subject or act like nothing happened. He also pushes, and pushes me away, but then snaps back just to "secure" the relationship. He also has substance abuse problems and is a sex addict. Even sometimes making himself raw from so much 'self pleasure'. I have no doubt that he cheats, etc... and then avoids me out of "shame".

What I'm coming to the realization is that I'm the one with BPD and he/others are the narcissist (my current bf being the shy/covert type). If true, this would be the 4th narcissist I've had a serious relationship with. Or maybe my current boyfriend and I both are BPD? No doubt both of us have issues. I know no one here can give me a "diagnosis" but based on what I said, does this seem to be the path I need to be looking at to fix things with myself and my relationships with people? I want to break this awful cycle. I want to salvage my existing relationship, and I've tried and tried... but I feel it might be doomed. I feel it's turned into a game to see who wins <--- not healthy.

[kikimo]

I started researching BPD extensively after I started dating my boyfriend and something just seemed off. I'm no stranger to dysfunctional relationships (family, friendships, and romantic ones). Please bare with me. I am in therapy, but my I've read so many text, documents, studies, etc... on the issues, that it's hard for her to treat me. I also thinks she believes because I read/know so much, I'm over "self diagnosing". **if I posted this in the wrong place, please movie it for me**

Bio - 38 year old woman, never married. My mother is severely bipolar and was untreated when I was a child. My father (covert narcissist) was never home, nor supplied any financial support to my mother or her 4 kids even though they were/are married. My older brother (a genius) was a mental sadist to us. EX - Cooking food, while we weren't allowed to use the stove and had nothing to eat, he'd eat in front of us, and give us his crumbs. When my mom did cook, he'd tell us she spit in our food. Many times I had to be the primary caregiver for my 2 younger siblings.

I find myself always wanting to be the "rescuer" in relationships. I find comfort in dating people with more "problems" than me, because it makes me feel better and important. I think I feel more secure and want to be the "winner" in the pair. All of these people I "rescue" do well in the beginning, but as more "intimacy" is built, they spiral down in self destruction and sabotage. In my childhood, I had intense anger "no one loved me" "i'm unlovable" etc... Literally beating myself up and even burning myself on a few occasions or literally pulling my hair out. In my 20s, I had intense rage. I once even punched a wall and broke my hand because my exBF (a narcissist) made me made. I threw and broke things, and was very passive aggressive. Blamed everyone for everything. I've also many times prayed for a semi truck to hit me to "make things easier" to "ease the pain" or "just get the suffering over with".

As I've aged, I've calmed down a lot and worked on taking responsibility for myself. However, I'm fake in relationships... .very pleasing, keep things bottled up, very sexually pleasing, etc... I also have issues with BDSM and being extremely submissive. One big problem I see in myself - when someone "betrays" me after I've took and took, I paint them black. I'm done, and feel no feelings for people I assumed I "loved" in the past. Ex - My sister was very confrontational and very hurtful to me, I feel netural towards her now, not love... .  I do have true empathy, but come more having empathy for strangers than people I know. I can't feel my own feelings. I can't identify them.

Is there a test or something for me? My therapist doesn't seem concerned.

Now the second part, and I'm so sorry this is long and time consuming. I thought my current BF had BPD. However, I've noticed that fear of rejection is his biggest concern. That if the relationship fails, it is his fault... .Most of our conversations are about him, and his feelings, yet there is no intimacy at all. Once he knew that I had feelings for him, and there was some 'sort' of connection between us, he did a complete turn around and started walking all over me, putting the very minimum effort into the relationship. Only coming here and there to "secure" the relationship just enough to keep me hanging on. Even going as far as to getting a "car pool" buddy that he spends all his free time with that supplies him with "admiration". He has extremely low self esteem, but narcissist tendencies. His former relationship lasted about 10 years, where he had a complete break from relativity after it ended... .declaring that his ex is super crazy and manipulative. However, since I've been with him for a year, I'm starting to see he is driving me crazy and I feel sorry for her. He controls everything in our relationship - contact, the time we spend together, and even a lot of times not even showing up, then telling me hrs later "to go about my day" because he isn't making an "appearance". He is also super avoidant. If he knows he's been "bad", he avoids me until I change the subject or act like nothing happened. He also pushes, and pushes me away, but then snaps back just to "secure" the relationship. He also has substance abuse problems and is a sex addict. Even sometimes making himself raw from so much 'self pleasure'. I have no doubt that he cheats, etc... and then avoids me out of "shame".

What I'm coming to the realization is that I'm the one with BPD and he/others are the narcissist (my current bf being the shy/covert type). If true, this would be the 4th narcissist I've had a serious relationship with. Or maybe my current boyfriend and I both are BPD? No doubt both of us have issues. I know no one here can give me a "diagnosis" but based on what I said, does this seem to be the path I need to be looking at to fix things with myself and my relationships with people? I want to break this awful cycle. I want to salvage my existing relationship, and I've tried and tried... but I feel it might be doomed. I feel it's turned into a game to see who wins <--- not healthy.

[kikimo]

Oh I do take one thing back I said. I'm not always the rescuer. I switch on that one... back and forth. 1st relationship, I was the needy one... 2nd, he had drug/addiction problems... 3rd I was the needy one... .4th he has the drug/addiction problems. I feel I can save them from the addictions... .maybe I want to be their addiction? 

[Ihope2]

Dear Kikimo

I'm no therapist, but reading your posting, you seem quite self-aware and tuned in to your own dynamics.  From my experience with a person with BPD, self-awareness is completely lacking with them.

It sounds like you have had much childhood trauma, having been raised in a dysfunctional family, with psychologically unavailable and unstable parents, and your older brother also sounds very psychologically troubled by the parental neglect you experienced in your family of origin.

If you feel that your therapist is not working for you, perhaps if it is a possibility, you need to find one with whom you feel you can make more progress.

It definitely sounds like you are struggling with very self-defeating patterns in your relationships, based on unresolved childhood trauma.

In some ways, I can relate to your story, as I have in my forties now  (45)after the most extreme and painful of all my relationships with psychologically damaged men, become aware of my own FOO issues and have opened up to myself about how betrayed and hurt I still feel by my dysfunctional upbringing.  I also experienced what I now know must have been a narcissistic stepfather.  I was also in the past attracted to psychologically damaged and emotionally avoidant men who played out a punitive dynamic with me.  I was mainly the rescuer and completely codependent with them (my purpose was to make them happy and take all their pain away).  They were quite persecutory towards me, or else emotionally avoidant.  I know I have been in relationships with two other narcissist men.  And my most recent marriage which lasted all of 11 months, was a severely troubled and damaged man with BPD.

The dynamic I learned in my childhood about how men and women relate (my mother was / is very dependent and submissive and attracts emotionally blunted, angry and overpowering "larger than life" men into her life) has been a very dysfunctional one!  I never really got the chance to have a healthy relationship with my own father (he was also very quiet, sarcastic, avoidant and angry at life).  I had a terrible time growing up with a narcissistic stepfather.  No wonder I grew up thinking that I had to be a people pleaser at all costs in my relationships and I developed this duty bound attitude that if anything is to be "it is up to me"!  I never learned about the 50:50 principle in relationships.  Logically, I knew about it, but I could never put it into practise, because I was driven by my unconscious childhood dynamics.

But, awareness and self-recognition are the first steps towards moving in a healthier direction!

I wish you all the best, Kikimo. 

[seeking balance]

Hi Kikimo,

What an honest post 

A lot of the people on these boards have BPD traits - it is how we look at them and change that really matters.

You said your current T is not concerned - ok, but what is your actual treatment plan?  Are you in CBT?  Have you read up on DBT and perhaps gotten a work book to start learning to change some of your behaviors you mention if you want to change them?  Heck, I think everyone (BPD or not) can benefit from DBT skills - they are like emotional kindergarten.

Tami Green - recovered BPD has several youtube talks with NAMI and such - check out her story.

At the end of the day, most of us here thought we were BPD, especially if we had dysfunctional families.  Traits are common, it is the ability to change that matters.  If you honestly feel you need a better diagnosis, perhaps ask your T for a referral.  A fantastic book is The Buddha and The Borderline - she had to fight hard to get the treatment she really needed.

Keep posting.

Peace,

SB

[kikimo]

Thanks a lot. I've really been trying to work on myself. Sorry for the delay in answering back.

You guys are right. What I found out is that I have some "fleas". My PD parents installed them in me. They also conditioned me to be catering to NARCS.

I was having a meltdown the day I wrote this. I've since gotten a lot better. I'm noticing trends and working on fixing them. My trend is I run away from healthy men (scared of getting hurt or use to chaos?) and I cling to NPDs. After examining all my serious relationships, they have all been with NPDs.

I'm going to look into your suggestions, and I greatly appreciate them. I never want to be involved with a NPD again. This guy nearly drove me to the point that I was praying for a semi to hit me. I never want to be in that situation again. We are still together, but it's very rocky. I'm trying to get away from him. Just pray that I can do it, but I keep going back.

Seekingbalance - I'm not sure what my treatment plan is. I think it keeps getting changed. I think I am very confusing to the people treating me. Now I'm working on a timeline of my life to see where things went wrong and to find the missing links... .At first they were working to improve my self esteem, and they never said what type of plan it is. Now we are working more on resolving childhood issues. I also found out that my brother was the golden child, and me the scapegoat (terms I just learned). I will have to read more about CBT and DBT. I've read mostly about the conditions, not how to change them. *hugs*

I can relate to everything you said Ihope2 and I'm happy that you're able to make sense of things, and work towards a healthier you. *hugs*

[Blimblam]

Kilimo,

Genetic and environmental factors run in families. It is ok. I thought I might have BPD too. My mother has BPD is bipolar etc.  it's fine.  Look within and feel all those negative painfull emotions you feel in your heart and gut. Sing songs about heartbreak.  It is a gift in disguise.

Remember the golden rule. Do not do to others you would not want others to do to you.

Recognize the you that is I.

Look within

[kikimo]

Thanks Blimblam for your kind words <3

[OutOfEgypt]

Kikimo,

I'll jump in with the others.  My gut says what you have most is a whole lot of obsessing and ruminating  Take that from a co-obsessor/co-ruminator.

My T has told me that all of us can be like a Borderline or Narcissist.  All of us have certain traits or struggles.  I've certainly been "fake", insecure, a people-pleaser, and a rescuer.  What sets the PD'd apart is the severity, the pathological nature, and (I would add) their lack of care about it.  It's the total package.

What I sense is a person who is both very intelligent but very prone to over-thinking and obsessively nitpicking themselves.  Am I right?  

If your T is not concerned, then I'd say you're good.  As I'm reading the rest of the replies, looks like you're doing better.  Awesome.

The tendency to gravitate toward unhealthy s/o's is something common to many of us.  To varying degrees, it's why all of us are here... .we gravitated toward our ex's.  We stayed longer than probably healthy for us.  Time and working with the T has helped me a lot with that.  

[justnothing]

I suggest you try talking to a therapist about whether or not you may have BPD, it's not something that can be diagnosed online. Being self aware, a rescuer or worrying about your symptoms are not real indicators of not having BPD.

Granted, knowing what label to put on your issues doesn't always help and some therapists are against letting their patients know. All I'm saying is that if the question really bothers you or if you think BPD-specific treatments might help you more than don't hesitate to ask a professional with actual professional experience about it.

[kikimo]

but very prone to over-thinking and obsessively nitpicking themselves.  Am I right?  

Yes you are right. I over analyze and dig and dig and dig... .I'm taking wellbutrin to deal with my OCD thoughts and compulsive "thinking". My brain doesn't even shut off when I'm trying to sleep or sleeping. I constantly get up due to thinking, ideas, etc... I've even made the joke many times that I wished I got paid to think, I'd be a millionaire. I also used to spend hours in the mirror picking my face to relieve my "stress". When I have anxiety, I have repetitive intrusive thoughts that drive me to the point of gagging and flinching. I don't know if this stuff is genetic or from an abusive childhood... .maybe both. I do have an extreme amount of empathy, which is comforting to me. My T thinks my limits get pushed by crappy people, and that's why I have these issues... .I don't stand up for myself.  Thanks!

@justnothing, My T really doesn't think I have a PD. I think some traits, due to just about every one in my life family, friends, and romance... .well, I draw them.