And NC comes crashing to an end

[MyLifeNow]

Two years ago I went to see a therapist for depression and anxiety issues and after getting some skills to deal with my emotions, dug up a lot of repressed things that made my therapist strongly suspect my dad has BPD. Shortly before that things with him had reached a head while I was on vacation visiting him, and immediately went minimal contact. I tried a couple times to have contact with him after that and get him to seek help, but the would always try to turn it around to justify not going to a therapist. Even after his doctor told him it could be a good idea. To protect my boundaries I had to use the nuclear option and go NC. Since then my life has been great. My stress levels have plummeted, my health has improved (I was starting to have issues with stress-induced IBS) and I've been happier and more confident than ever.

Two months ago I finally got the ball rolling on another long term goal of mine, which was moving to Toronto to be near old friends and live in an environment that had far more to offer me personally and professionally. This was something he always fought me on tooth and nail whenever I tried to talk about what I wanted in life, so when the ball got rolling I didn't tell him. I even filtered my facebook updates so that I could tell my friends without him getting wind and trying to bring me down again. Of course he had to find out eventually, and it seems that learning what had happened could have been the jolt needed to make him realize his actions have consequences.

So tonight I received an email from him. Lots of FOG stuff in it. He's into his late 60's now and being a chronic alcoholic for the last 35+ years his health isn't the best. The first bit of FOG was a story about him being at a "friend's" place (one of his usual short term flings) when he blacked out following her into the kitchen, hitting his head on the marble countertop (adding that if he had falling a little differently, he might have lost an eye). The EMT's measured him with extremely low blood pressure when he's normally high, but it went back to normal after they got him sitting up again. He did attempt suicide once before I was born, so I'm wondering if he might have OD'd on his blood pressure meds as a self harm thing. He also made a point of how he could have died that night. So... .that's the first bit of FOG.

The second part was that after he found out I had moved without involving him, which he seems to understand the reasons for, he went and drank a quart of vodka on Sunday night and had people smelling it on his breath Monday morning. Presumably on his way to work. So... .he went to see a councilor. He didn't mention any of our history over the last two years... .just that I moved without telling him. And now this person wants me to fly halfway across the country for 3 days of parent / child therapy. I am SO burned out on arguing against justifications for his behavior and disproving his statements about nothing having ever happened. As part of my self reflection and processing I started making a list of the types of abusive behaviors I had to endure from him as well as the more memorable occasions. I filled an entire page. And I write very small. So not interested in reliving that.

I really don't want to write the reply to this email, but I need to. I hadn't considered that next of kin contact info would need to be updated, and I am the only person that can be. He's driven everyone else out of his life. This could also be the rock bottom that makes him seek real help. At his age I can't begin to believe he'll ever change enough that he can be part of my life again, but maybe it'll help him find some peace in his final years.

[claudiaduffy]

To protect my boundaries I had to use the nuclear option and go NC. Since then my life has been great. My stress levels have plummeted, my health has improved (I was starting to have issues with stress-induced IBS) and I've been happier and more confident than ever.

Two months ago I finally got the ball rolling on another long term goal of mine, which was moving to Toronto to be near old friends and live in an environment that had far more to offer me personally and professionally.

It is so good that you did this! I'm applauding you.

So tonight I received an email from him. Lots of FOG stuff in it. He's into his late 60's now ... .

I really don't want to write the reply to this email, but I need to. I hadn't considered that next of kin contact info would need to be updated, and I am the only person that can be. He's driven everyone else out of his life. This could also be the rock bottom that makes him seek real help. At his age I can't begin to believe he'll ever change enough that he can be part of my life again, but maybe it'll help him find some peace in his final years.

Let me ask you something regarding "... .Next of kin contact info would need to be updated, and I am the only person that can be." Whose rules say that this is an actual need, and whose rules say that you must fill that need? Put another way: just because everyone else has already jumped from the plane, must you be the one to allow your dad to hold onto you with the hope that your parachute can handle you both?

I'm not advising you to take any particular course of action here, but I hope you would only remain in contact if it is a purposeful, healthy, conscious choice that you own, not because you feel guilty or forced into anything because you're the only one left.

Also, he chose the alcohol and is now living with its impact. Late sixties is NOT THAT OLD. Keeping NC would not the same situation as, say, leaving a 97-year-old man to fend for himself.

[MyLifeNow]

That is actually kind of a good point... .it isn't like there's going to be any kind of estate to take over when he dies, just a pile of debts that can't possibly be paid. His main worry is to make sure his remains are cremated, but his will would probably cover that. Even if I don't give him my new address if it is necessary, someone will be able to track me down. They know I'm his son, and they could find me through the tax department in no time at all if my contact info was wrong. They must run into incorrect contact info all the time.

And if I do give him my address he won't show up here, but I will start getting letters and packages since he always tries to buy his way out of the consequences of his bad behavior.

I might sit on this for another couple days. Part of me wants to believe that this is the rock bottom mom told me he would need to hit before he went for help, and that if I tell him to take copies of our emails to the therapist and tell them he might have BPD... .then maybe something good will finally happen. But I've already been disappointed so many times.

[claudiaduffy]

MyLifeNow - believe in your screen name.  I know - I really know - the bone-aching wish that maybe this time the rock-bottom will be firm underneath them and they might step up toward something like health. But IF IT IS, he will not need you telling him how to tell a therapist about it. He can find that guidance; you do not need to give it to him. One thing I keep running into with myself is the realization that, despite everything I've learned about this awful disorder and my interaction with it, I keep on finding myself treating my uBPDm and uBPDmil as if I need to parent them towards health. But if I believe what I think I believe - that I am an adult responsible for my own life, and they are adults responsible for their own, I can trust that if they reach a point where they can grow, it will happen, without me ensuring that it does. You have your life now. Let your dad have his. It's not yours.

[MyLifeNow]

It does seem to be the parent role that is pulling me back toward the whirlwind of madness I escaped. I was forced into that role so early in my life that I didn't really learn to pay attention to and take care of my own needs until my early 30's, and I think it's why I have so much difficulty with inner child exercises. That inner child just never got a chance to grow.

It's been 3 days and I still haven't even tried to write a reply, which kind of says something. I knew that if I did say what I was thinking of saying, there was a high probability of getting sucked right back in. I may still respond, but it will be to reinforce my boundaries not to try and save him from himself.

[claudiaduffy]

I may still respond, but it will be to reinforce my boundaries not to try and save him from himself.

I'm applauding you again. 

[MyLifeNow]

Today I actually received an email from his best friend who is aware of the situation, and he thinks my moving without telling dad might have been the "kick in the ass" he needed to go get help. He thinks that dad is drinking less and is more accepting of the idea that sometimes we need help. So not replying or, at least not replying right away, was probably the most helpful thing to do.