Validating who I am

[yogibear60]

  I just realized that I have spent a life time trying to figure out if I am a good person or not  I use and still do gage myself by my friends.  So-in-So is a good soul, full of compassion, humor and kindness and they LIKE me.  My best friend, social and work friends... they like me.  So and So is very spiritual and they still consider me a close friend  Sometimes I am very surprised when I get a call from someone to go out and "play"   Recently a woman that I very much admire asked me go out for a outing.  I was taken back.  She has so many qualities that I wish I had.  A quietness of self-peace and self assurance that just radiates around her.

  Does anyone else struggle with figuring out their relationships with other people?  My BPD-m  spent a life time (mine) running interference, blocking and splitting which has left me always questioning.     

[Wintersun]

Hi Yogibear60,

Sorry, I don't have much time to give a lengthy reply but I wanted to say to you that you are clearly a good person. You know why? Bad people do not wonder if they are bad people. They are content to live as they please and are not troubled by the prospect that their behavior may harm others. Your concern about potential badness is in fact an indication of your goodness.

Many of us struggle against a feeling being less than those around us. I battle it myself. It has always seemed that those around me were always so much more (fill in the blank with any positive adjective here). Many people feel this way and you would probably be surprised by the level of self-doubt exhibited by the individuals that you say seem so self-assured. And I can guarantee that many people often remark to themselves that "Yogibear60 is such a wonderful person. She is so (insert positive adjective here). I wish I was more like her." Be gentle with yourself, Yogi. You deserve that tenderness.

[SomerledDottir]

Wintersun is right, Yogibear60.  I couldn't have said it better myself.  I'm sure many of us here struggle with these same questions and self-doubts, but I also know this to be true:  When you're looking around admiringly at those friends who enjoy your company, remember this -- "Water seeks its own level."

[Turkish]

yogibear60, do you find it hard when people really like you? Is accepting complimemts, whether implicit or explicit, hard?

I think we are in a large part defined by our friends, those attachments of which we have a choice. The friend you talk about wants to hang out. She sees something in the real yogibear60 that is attractive. Go with it and accept that it's real.

[yogibear60]

Thank you for your kind words.    Yes, Turkish, I do find it hard to take a compliment or to celebrate a success.  Good old mom used to pound into me how full of myself  I was and she could never figure out why someone would waste their time appreciating my ideas.  I still walk very carefully when someone pays attention to what I have done or said.   In fact, now that I think about it... I refused to attend a couple of award ceremonies because I was taken back by the public acknowledgement.  Seems rather self-defeating that I purposefully let go of my moment in the sun.  Darn it

[jmanvo2015]

Hi YogiBear 

Yes, I definitely grapple with this too 

Most of the time, no matter where I am, everyone seems more together, confident, happy and personally fulfilled than I feel at my core.  I wonder sometimes, too, why anyone wants to be my friend or have me around.  I definitely relate to this.  My parents have spent so much time convincing me that I'm bad and mentally ill that I think on some deep level, I really do believe them.

so, yes, you are not alone in this.  For what it's worth, I already find you to be a terrific,  kind and compassionate person