Too much processing?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I broke up with my ex about 5 weeks ago, figured out that he almost definitely has BPD right after the breakup, and have been doing everything I can to process it and recover.  I have been very consciously grieving and feeling the anger and guilt and hurt that he inflicted and sadness that we couldn't work through it.  I journal every day about it.  I still cry every day, sometimes just for a minute and other times a nice big bawl.  I have been using this site and researching BPD and trauma bonding and abandonment issues. 

I've come to a lot of conclusions and rational understanding - I know why he behaved the way he did and that the idealization side of him is no more 'him' than the manipulative or angry side, I've learned that I've got a 'rescuer' personality and that what I thought was being loving and supportive was really just enabling him and hurting him more, and I have learned a lot about BPD and why this breakup is so much harder than any I've been through.

But none of this rational progress has led to any emotional progress.  I know that breakups hurt and that it takes time to heal, but I feel just as awful as I did five weeks ago, if not worse.  I am wondering if my processing is starting to become obsessing/ruminating. 

We are in pretty minimal contact (haven't gone full NC yet) and I have been trying to focus on my work, spend time with friends, go for runs and hikes and other hobbies that I usually find fulfilling.  But I am having a very hard time finding any fulfillment right now or making progress healing.  This is unusual for me - my friends used to tell me that I loved being single more than anyone else they knew and I am usually very good at making myself happy.  Does anyone have any tips for how to stop obsessing and move on from this emotionally?

[Unducky]

I broke up with my ex about 5 weeks ago, figured out that he almost definitely has BPD right after the breakup, and have been doing everything I can to process it and recover.  I have been very consciously grieving and feeling the anger and guilt and hurt that he inflicted and sadness that we couldn't work through it.  I journal every day about it.  I still cry every day, sometimes just for a minute and other times a nice big bawl.  I have been using this site and researching BPD and trauma bonding and abandonment issues. 

I've come to a lot of conclusions and rational understanding - I know why he behaved the way he did and that the idealization side of him is no more 'him' than the manipulative or angry side, I've learned that I've got a 'rescuer' personality and that what I thought was being loving and supportive was really just enabling him and hurting him more, and I have learned a lot about BPD and why this breakup is so much harder than any I've been through.

But none of this rational progress has led to any emotional progress.  I know that breakups hurt and that it takes time to heal, but I feel just as awful as I did five weeks ago, if not worse.  I am wondering if my processing is starting to become obsessing/ruminating. 

We are in pretty minimal contact (haven't gone full NC yet) and I have been trying to focus on my work, spend time with friends, go for runs and hikes and other hobbies that I usually find fulfilling.  But I am having a very hard time finding any fulfillment right now or making progress healing.  This is unusual for me - my friends used to tell me that I loved being single more than anyone else they knew and I am usually very good at making myself happy.  Does anyone have any tips for how to stop obsessing and move on from this emotionally?

[Hawk Ridge]

I am almost 6 months out and you could be telling my story. All we can do is keeping loving and forgiving ourselves while looking for gratitudes. I am grateful today for the blue sky.  Despite the fact I feel like I am changed, a different person after all this powerless grief, I also feel like I may be a better person.  I am more humble, more centered as I have been forced to come back to me, more confident, more compassionate to myself and others, more responsible, more realistic, less talkative and silly and... .more grown up.   I have not enjoyed this journey and it is far from over but in my compassion, I am grateful to my exuBPD for some of these benefits from the trauma... .some if them... .

[missblue]

But none of this rational progress has led to any emotional progress.  I know that breakups hurt and that it takes time to heal, but I feel just as awful as I did five weeks ago, if not worse.  I am wondering if my processing is starting to become obsessing/ruminating. 

With me, it got a lot worse before it got better. Even when I tried to force myself to focus elsewhere and not think about it, it made it worse.

What eventually stopped the constant thoughts... .was when I finally felt like I understood. I finally felt like the puzzle had come together for me.

With me, that took realizing that the missing piece was that he was making decisions from a completely emotion fueled place that was completely disconnected from logic. A place that I've only even come close to only briefly in my most out of control emotional moments, but that is a constant threat of going there for him. So I realized they didn't make logical sense because they weren't made from a place that logic could get anywhere near.

I don't know if that's the piece that missing for you to have it all come together, or if there's a different one... .but this board does seem to be really good at answering the questions and helping with finding the missing pieces.

I would say to let your mind try to fix what it feels it needs to... .even when 5 weeks seems like it's been forever to you right now... .but work at trying to figure out what it is that you need answered. Post when things don't make sense, and maybe some of the people who have more experience having been there and done that can help fill in the missing parts to help you shut down the need to hunt for them.

[Rifka]

I broke up with my ex about 5 weeks ago, figured out that he almost definitely has BPD right after the breakup, and have been doing everything I can to process it and recover.  I have been very consciously grieving and feeling the anger and guilt and hurt that he inflicted and sadness that we couldn't work through it.  I journal every day about it.  I still cry every day, sometimes just for a minute and other times a nice big bawl.  I have been using this site and researching BPD and trauma bonding and abandonment issues. 

I've come to a lot of conclusions and rational understanding - I know why he behaved the way he did and that the idealization side of him is no more 'him' than the manipulative or angry side, I've learned that I've got a 'rescuer' personality and that what I thought was being loving and supportive was really just enabling him and hurting him more, and I have learned a lot about BPD and why this breakup is so much harder than any I've been through.

But none of this rational progress has led to any emotional progress.  I know that breakups hurt and that it takes time to heal, but I feel just as awful as I did five weeks ago, if not worse.  I am wondering if my processing is starting to become obsessing/ruminating. 

We are in pretty minimal contact (haven't gone full NC yet) and I have been trying to focus on my work, spend time with friends, go for runs and hikes and other hobbies that I usually find fulfilling.  But I am having a very hard time finding any fulfillment right now or making progress healing.  This is unusual for me - my friends used to tell me that I loved being single more than anyone else they knew and I am usually very good at making myself happy.  Does anyone have any tips for how to stop obsessing and move on from this emotionally?

Unducky,

If you have no marriage or children ( I don't know your status) the only way to start feeling better is complete n/c.

Until you are ready to do that, it's always going to feel the same hurt like the day before.

If there are children, maybe a buffer person in between to help keep n/c.

If your married, there are lawyers for in between.

Good luck to you.

If you have a scab and you rip it off everyday, it takes so much longer to heal, if ever. It's the same with our hearts

[Unducky]

Thanks so much, you guys.  I don't think the problem is the contact or anything he is doing - in 5 weeks, he has written me 2 letters to which I responded by email, and that's been it.  I know no contact would be better, and if the letters continue, I'll do my best to go there.  But I feel like the real problem is in my head.

I seem to just dwell on it all the time, journaling and crying, and nearly everything reminds me of him.  I am usually great at letting my emotions out but also being able to compartmentalize, but this affects me all the time and nothing that usually makes me happy really is right now.  One of my co-workers asked if I was okay when I started tearing up in the middle of a work retreat today.  I'm having trouble focusing on anything else.

Maybe I caught some of his mental issues? Hopefully I'll figure out what my missing piece was soon and start being able to see how this has made me better and stronger (again, I can rationally see ways I've grown from it, but I feel sad and insecure... .).

Thanks again!

[tim_tom]

Thanks so much, you guys.  I don't think the problem is the contact or anything he is doing - in 5 weeks, he has written me 2 letters to which I responded by email, and that's been it.  I know no contact would be better, and if the letters continue, I'll do my best to go there.  But I feel like the real problem is in my head.

I seem to just dwell on it all the time, journaling and crying, and nearly everything reminds me of him.  I am usually great at letting my emotions out but also being able to compartmentalize, but this affects me all the time and nothing that usually makes me happy really is right now.  One of my co-workers asked if I was okay when I started tearing up in the middle of a work retreat today.  I'm having trouble focusing on anything else.

Maybe I caught some of his mental issues? Hopefully I'll figure out what my missing piece was soon and start being able to see how this has made me better and stronger (again, I can rationally see ways I've grown from it, but I feel sad and insecure... .).

Thanks again!

I am the same way, and starting to think reading about BPD all the time, and following the exercises my therapist gives me are only keeping stuck.

A first all of this was very helpful, misery loves company and all. But I don't think it's healthy to be making so much of my life about her anymore, she certainly isn't doing this about me

[Infern0]

I have the same problem. I just can't seem to turn my brain off from it all. I get brief periods of respite from it but I just cannot seem to disconnect.  It's affecting my work performance still and I can tell even my close friends are starting to get a bit tired of me. I don't know what to do really,  just taking one day at a time and living in hope that one day I'll be normal again.

[tim_tom]

I have the same problem. I just can't seem to turn my brain off from it all. I get brief periods of respite from it but I just cannot seem to disconnect.  It's affecting my work performance still and I can tell even my close friends are starting to get a bit tired of me. I don't know what to do really,  just taking one day at a time and living in hope that one day I'll be normal again.

People don't seem to get it. I tell them this isn't a normal breakup, she had this this and this. Mine was high functioning, everyone liked her... She saved the bad stuff for me. A few people remember some incidents in front of others, but they were muted because her favorite tactic was silent treatment. She was very image conscious, always worried that people hated her and never let anyone see the real her.

[Unducky]

You guys brought up some great points.  What are we gaining from thinking about this so much? 

At first, it was helpful to learn and understand how BPD affected the relationship and what my role was in all of that, and getting all those feelings out is a good thing.  The 'misery loves company' plus the wisdom from these boards has been invaluable in not feeling isolated.  But at this point I'm not sure how much new insight I'm getting and how much is dwelling.  It's almost habitual, like I'm addicted to processing the breakup.

And like you both mentioned, friends don't seem to understand what a different and high-impact breakup it is.  Even though I especially need them right now, I might be distancing them by being so stuck on it. 

All my research isn't going to help my ex either, and it doesn't help me now to learn about how I could have reacted better and validated him during it (I didn't know he had BPD until afterward), and you made a good point that our BPD exes are probably not researching and overthinking it like we are.  So why should we?

But then how do we stop? I've tried just telling myself to let it go and allow myself to be happy, and I have plenty of other things to focus on and invest myself in, but I'm just having trouble actually doing that right now.  Maybe I have more grieving to do, but I'm worried about being able to separate myself from it at some point.

[Tiepje3]

I have the same issues as you have, also same amount of time almost no contact (through lawyers) and I also feel the same about being on this board too much, obsessive thoughts about him, doing good stuff for myself, going to parties (and really have fun), but then coming home to an empty house/bed. Wondering how long it will take me to get over this, good days, setbacks, going 'through' the pain and still... .

It feels so futile. It's hard to muster up the motivation to keep doing good things for myself. What's the point? And I'm rational enough to know there's light at the end of the tunnel, but oh, some days... .

So... .no advice for you, just sympathy and recognition and a lot of virtual hugs!

[Unducky]

Thanks, Tiepje.  You're right, there's a light somewhere down the road.  I'm sure doing these good things for ourselves will pay off at some point.  Virtual hugs right back to you!

[camuse]

I can't help processing it still, and am still putting the jigsaw together.

Yesterday I randomly remembered a conversation she had with me about a "friend of a friend" and suddenly realized this was the replacement she'd been talking about.

It's no wonder people get stuck in the fog, when it takes so long out of it to see the truth.