How do I self soothe?

[Moselle]

I'm a bit of a novice at soothing myself emotionally.

In fact I don't know how.

Recently (2 weeks), I've become aware of my feelings, and that I can describe them, their sensations, what they mean and what I want. It has definitely allowed me to be more grounded, but I still become flooded, when they are very intense.

Are there any champion self-soothers out there who can offer advice?

[Perfidy]

Moselle, hello and well wishes. As for self soothing, immerse your self in the things that please you. The simpler the better. Make a gratitude list. Keep it simple. Be thankful for the little things like the air you breathe, the water you drink, the food you eat, the clothes you wear and the roof over your head. Don't get complicated with belief. Just be thankful for the little things and surround your self with what pleases you. This will work. You will feel connected with your self. Find a nice coffee cup to drink from or a nice glass that pleases you to drink your favorite drink from. Wear your favorite robe and just do nothing but enjoy it. Take good care of your self. No one else can do this for you. Enjoy the experience of just being, or simply existing. It's awesome. Best regards.

[Moselle]

Moselle, hello and well wishes. As for self soothing, immerse your self in the things that please you. The simpler the better. Make a gratitude list. Keep it simple. Be thankful for the little things like the air you breathe, the water you drink, the food you eat, the clothes you wear and the roof over your head. Don't get complicated with belief. Just be thankful for the little things and surround your self with what pleases you. This will work. You will feel connected with your self. Find a nice coffee cup to drink from or a nice glass that pleases you to drink your favorite drink from. Wear your favorite robe and just do nothing but enjoy it. Take good care of your self. No one else can do this for you. Enjoy the experience of just being, or simply existing. It's awesome. Best regards.

Thanks Perfidy. I'll do that

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Moselle, Agree w/Perfidy.  One place to begin might be to start paying attention to tiny desires, catching hints of what one really likes.  It could be a melody, a painting, a turn of phrase, a joke, a particular food that you like.  When you come across one of these things that engages you, your next job is to find out more about what it is you like about this thing that is calling out to you on some level.  In his book, Iron John, Robert Bly talks about following these "golden threads" to see where they lead.  Good luck!  LuckyJim

[beachtalks]

Hello Moselle, and everyone else reading this,

I think there are many levels to self-soothing, and I agree with the other posters. The one that I try applying first is just embracing GRATITUDE that I am no longer living in bondage.  It is easy to forget how much of myself had been oppressed within the relationship, but the truth is that I was living in bondage, and bondage is unlawful and abusive.  There is no candy-coating this fact.  I have had to train myself to miss the good things while never loosing sight of the entire picture.

I like to CELEBRATE my freedom from bondage.  Personally, I thank God for leading me to safety, and for giving me the wisdom and clarity and resources to do so.  It is through my new-found identity as one living by truth and strength that I find most of my relief.  I am a survivor, and a living testimony of strength, and so are you!  If you have favorite quotes about peace and freedom, these might remind you of your current blessings.  Other helpful techniques: A good night's sleep, spending special time with my children, and writing letters to my ex but not sending them--just saving them in a file.  I like to write them and edit them over and over until I get it just right, and then I realize that I don't need to send it; it's the clarity for myself that I am always after.  (I already know what would happen if I sent the letter anyway--my ex-BPD-husband would take offense to something.  The last time I sent a letter of "good memories" he told me that he didn't want to hear my vacant/insincere words, that it was all talk.  So yeah... .the letters I write to him now are for me only : )

Let me know an update of what is working/not-working for you!  Hugs... . 

[Moselle]

Let me know an update of what is working/not-working for you!  Hugs... . 

Thanks beachtalks. Loving/soothing myself feels a bit strange.

What is beginning to work for me:

Noticing my sensations and enjoying them. I was  in the gym yesterday and I noticed the good feelings that come from excercise, as the endorphins kick in. And the sensation of being in the sauna. I know that sounds strange but my mind is usually solving all of todays, yesterdays and tomorrow's problems, and I've never focussed on what I'm feeling at any given time. It's new territory and I like it.

Being assertive with W or my mum. I just call the nonsense (FOG) if they start. It helps me feel that I have worth, and I value myself not to put up with it. If they carry on after I tell them to stop it, I just leave.

I will add the gratitude one to my experience today

[Reforming]

Hi Moselle,

Lots of good suggestions from other posters.

I try to be kind to myself in whatever ways I can.

To remind myself that while I made mistakes, we all do, I did the best that I could. That perfection doesn't exist and that to be human is to be flawed.

Most of us have a harsh internal critic / parental part of us that judges us. This inner critic is usually much more brutal and destructive than anyone else in our lives and so embedded in our consciousness that we are often unaware of the huge impact it has our state of mind.

I try to recognise this voice, this part of me that rushes to harsh self judgement, challenge it and replace this it a kinder and healthier part of me that I've been working to develop and strengthen.

I allow this nurturing part of me to praise my efforts and my achievements, to reassure me. To help me accept that harsh self judgement not only makes us unhappy, it's an emotional cul de sac that robs us of the power to change, improve and move forward.

Schema Therapy uses guided imagery to help you nurture and comfort that the lost / lonely / hurt child that is looking for soothing and support.

For example one of the techniques is to visualise in a moment in your childhood where you felt very lost or hurt, reconnect and experience those feelings. What does this lost hurt child need? How would help him / herif you were present in that moment. Then you allow the nurturing adult part of you to comfort that child.

I use that kind, nurturing, parental part of myself to do the same thing when I need to self soothe in the present.

Mindfulness can also be a huge help in recognising and accepting that emotions that lurk in the background of our minds

Good luck

Reforming

[DreamGirl]

I try to recognise this voice, this part of me that rushes to harsh self judgement, challenge it and replace this it a kinder and healthier part of me that I've been working to develop and strengthen.

I allow this nurturing part of me to praise my efforts and my achievements, to reassure me. To help me accept that harsh self judgement not only makes us unhappy, it's an emotional cul de sac that robs us of the power to change, improve and move forward.

Wow. This is really powerful. 

[Waddams]

Re: How do I self soothe?

For me, I kind of imagine myself as two people.  One is adult me. Strong, capable, protective.  The definition of a good man.  The second is basically 5 year old me, like I've got this little guy inside me that is this scared little kid that is upset and looking for someone (a parent type figure) to comfort him and reassure him that it will be okay. 

Then I imagine adult me being the reassuring parent to 5 year old me.  I think back to the sorts of things that I enjoyed when I was 5.  I've got a few go to activities now that I go do now.  While I'm doing them, I kind of imagine adult me doing them with 5 year old me.  Sounds kind of strange, but it works for me.  One thing is I loved a cartoon show called "Star Blazers" when I was very young.  So I go watch it.  It kind of allows me to get in touch with 5 year old me again.  Or building model ships.  My dad and I did that together a whole lot when I was young.

Not sure if any of that is helpful.  Something that helped me be able to manage and learn to soothe myself better was the concepts of "inner/outer child" www.outerchild.net/  It's got some good stuff.  Describes it better than I can.

[thereishope]

Hi Moselle,

Lots of good suggestions from other posters.

I try to be kind to myself in whatever ways I can.

To remind myself that while I made mistakes, we all do, I did the best that I could. That perfection doesn't exist and that to be human is to be flawed.

Most of us have a harsh internal critic / parental part of us that judges us. This inner critic is usually much more brutal and destructive than anyone else in our lives and so embedded in our consciousness that we are often unaware of the huge impact it has our state of mind.

I try to recognise this voice, this part of me that rushes to harsh self judgement, challenge it and replace this it a kinder and healthier part of me that I've been working to develop and strengthen.

I allow this nurturing part of me to praise my efforts and my achievements, to reassure me. To help me accept that harsh self judgement not only makes us unhappy, it's an emotional cul de sac that robs us of the power to change, improve and move forward.

Schema Therapy uses guided imagery to help you nurture and comfort that the lost / lonely / hurt child that is looking for soothing and support.

For example one of the techniques is to visualise in a moment in your childhood where you felt very lost or hurt, reconnect and experience those feelings. What does this lost hurt child need? How would help him / herif you were present in that moment. Then you allow the nurturing adult part of you to comfort that child.

I use that kind, nurturing, parental part of myself to do the same thing when I need to self soothe in the present.

Mindfulness can also be a huge help in recognising and accepting that emotions that lurk in the background of our minds

Good luck

Reforming

This is brilliantly stated.  I have come to the realization of self-defeating mechanisms this past year, through my experience with uBPDh... .  In trying to figure out how to deal with this r/s, I envision a light at the end of the tunnel... .if I so choose to leave, and get out from underneath the oppression of BPD control, I picture ENJOYING EVERYTHING, the sun's rays on my skin, just BEING FREE, and independent of anyone else's control... .Life, liberty and peace I long for.

I know I do need to also defeat this self-defeating thing/inner voice I have always had.  I've just begun the journey into correcting my thinking/actions in this area... .Funny, while reading this, I remembered a time when my parents took my younger brother to NJ, while leaving me at my grandparents' house in Maine.  I remember asking my grandparents if I could call my parents before they left, and being told they had already left.  I can still feel the horrified/alone feeling I felt when they told me that.  I can't remember how long I was at my grandparents' house, or anything after that initial horrified feeling, but I do remember when they came home I ran into my dad's arms and hugged him very tightly, weeping... .They wondered why on earth I reacted like this and I told them how horrified I had felt being left.  I believe they apologized... .All of this made me wonder if the habit of horrible feelings, racing heartbeat, etc... .I have felt when uBPDh has hung up on me or driven away and not responded correspond with the experience I had as a child.  Interesting. Also made me wonder if I have BPD (), but I tend to bend over backwards to encourage and uplift... .as far as I know I do the opposite of devaluing and never ever shut off communication or turn my back on H... .Sorry to ramble... .

[Moselle]

I have had to train myself to miss the good things while never loosing sight of the entire picture.

Beachtalks, I find myself back here trying to self soothe She is dysregulating, and giving me the silent treatment. What did you mean by this sentence?

For example one of the techniques is to visualise in a moment in your childhood where you felt very lost or hurt, reconnect and experience those feelings. What does this lost hurt child need? How would help him / herif you were present in that moment. Then you allow the nurturing adult part of you to comfort that child.

I use that kind, nurturing, parental part of myself to do the same thing when I need to self soothe in the present.

Reforming, this is powerful. I just tried it with immediate results. I felt calmed and loved. Thanks for sahring