73 yo. BPD Mom has contact me after 14 mths to ask for financial help. HELP

[Depression = 72% of members]

My partner of 23 years and I supported my Mom for 7 years by purchasing a home for her to live in.  She only receives $1000/mth from Social Security.  When the house became "too much of a burden" for her, we purchased a beautiful condo on a golf course in a gated community for her to move into.  When she saw the new condo, she was angry because she couldn't even imagine us thinking it would even meet her basic needs.  Days following this, and 17 months ago after one of her worst BP episodes, we evicted her from the home, and I told her she no longer had a son, that she had buried him long ago in favor of her own self-preservation.  There has been no contact since, although we still live in the same area and I see her driving from time to time. 

She has spread her own version of "what an awful son" she has all around the community, to the point that I don't have the slightest clue what people think of me when they see me. 

Fast forward to last Friday.  I had been in excruciating pain following a back procedure.  I picked up the phone because I thought it was my doctor's office.  Low and behold it was my Mother sobbing uncontrollably telling me she was desperate and needed help.  She'd done everything she could to make ends meet, but would soon have nowhere to go and nowhere to live.  She went further to say she was forced to give up her two dogs, which tore her apart.  She begged for help.  Before I could even process what was going on, and before I could even say anything, I had the sense to say I'd just had a back procedure and was incredible pain, and that I'd have to call her back.

Suffice it to say that I haven't called her back, but it's been on my mind constantly and I find that I'm feeling obligation, shame and responsibility being the only child.

I know that there are probably resources out there for low income seniors, and I know my Mom is incredibly resourceful and manipulative.  If anyone could obtain benefits out there, she could.  I feel the issue is that she doesn't want to live in a place or an area that is govt. subsidized.  They are beneath her.

I can hear everyone's opinion in my head saying it's not my problem, that I shouldn't feel obligated.

How do I reconcile these feelings.  To act or not to act? 

I've prayed about it a lot.  I get mixed messages. 

The bottom line is that I DON'T want her in my life.  I don't want to know what's going on in her life.  I meant what I said in my letter to her 17 months ago.  She is the most self-absorbed, manipulative and hurtful human being I've ever met.  Nothing good has ever come from her being in ANYONE'S life.

Is there some way I can shut her down without speaking with her?

How can I say what I mean, mean what I say and not be mean?

There are NO psychologists in my area that have any specialties with BPD.  Frankly, I'm SICK of therapy.  I feel really great when she's not in my life, but find that the only time I really feel the need for a therapist is when she is in my life. 

I need help/advice.

[habitat]

My partner of 23 years and I supported my Mom for 7 years by purchasing a home for her to live in.  She only receives $1000/mth from Social Security.  When the house became "too much of a burden" for her, we purchased a beautiful condo on a golf course in a gated community for her to move into.  When she saw the new condo, she was angry because she couldn't even imagine us thinking it would even meet her basic needs.  Days following this, and 17 months ago after one of her worst BP episodes, we evicted her from the home, and I told her she no longer had a son, that she had buried him long ago in favor of her own self-preservation.  There has been no contact since, although we still live in the same area and I see her driving from time to time. 

She has spread her own version of "what an awful son" she has all around the community, to the point that I don't have the slightest clue what people think of me when they see me. 

Fast forward to last Friday.  I had been in excruciating pain following a back procedure.  I picked up the phone because I thought it was my doctor's office.  Low and behold it was my Mother sobbing uncontrollably telling me she was desperate and needed help.  She'd done everything she could to make ends meet, but would soon have nowhere to go and nowhere to live.  She went further to say she was forced to give up her two dogs, which tore her apart.  She begged for help.  Before I could even process what was going on, and before I could even say anything, I had the sense to say I'd just had a back procedure and was incredible pain, and that I'd have to call her back.

Suffice it to say that I haven't called her back, but it's been on my mind constantly and I find that I'm feeling obligation, shame and responsibility being the only child.

I know that there are probably resources out there for low income seniors, and I know my Mom is incredibly resourceful and manipulative.  If anyone could obtain benefits out there, she could.  I feel the issue is that she doesn't want to live in a place or an area that is govt. subsidized.  They are beneath her.

I can hear everyone's opinion in my head saying it's not my problem, that I shouldn't feel obligated.

How do I reconcile these feelings.  To act or not to act? 

I've prayed about it a lot.  I get mixed messages. 

The bottom line is that I DON'T want her in my life.  I don't want to know what's going on in her life.  I meant what I said in my letter to her 17 months ago.  She is the most self-absorbed, manipulative and hurtful human being I've ever met.  Nothing good has ever come from her being in ANYONE'S life.

Is there some way I can shut her down without speaking with her?

How can I say what I mean, mean what I say and not be mean?

There are NO psychologists in my area that have any specialties with BPD.  Frankly, I'm SICK of therapy.  I feel really great when she's not in my life, but find that the only time I really feel the need for a therapist is when she is in my life. 

I need help/advice.

[yogibear60]

Yup, yup, yup… I get it.  I have a mother who likes to take me down that road.  I am the horrible daughter, she has bad mouthed me for years, friends and family.  It doesn’t matter what I have done and I have done a lot.  I am also the only child and have no one to share any responsibility with…  I am working on letting go of worrying about the damage she has done to me, especially with family.  Frankly, there is nothing that I can do and trying to “prove” her wrong is just too exhausting. 

Here is what I know.  It doesn’t matter what you do or say.  There will always be something else and the bad mouthing will not stop.  My mother also “disassociates” and she may or may not even remember what she has complained about or why I respond or do not respond to her.   I have found that I can perseverate for days over guilt that I feel only to find out that she doesn’t have a clue and shows no remorse when I try to explain.  Apologizes are not in her vocabulary. 

You have said that she has the skills to figure things out.  You also said that contact with her is something that you don’t want.  Follow your gut instinct.  Trust what you “know” is best for you.  Responding to her now will cause her to keep coming back.  You are opening the door.  I know, I know how hard it is to make a decision like this…  I just took a huge step for myself and started throwing away her letters, unopened.  My mother is 95 and lives in a Care Center in the mid-west.  I spent the first 6 months she was there, following up on her lies (complains) and finding that I was being used, yet again. 

Take care of yourself.  Try to get away from the FOG. 

[Kwamina]

Hi habitat,

I am very sorry to read your mother is causing you so much stress again. She has caused you a lot of pain in the past so I understand why her calling you would affect you like this.

Fast forward to last Friday.  I had been in excruciating pain following a back procedure.  I picked up the phone because I thought it was my doctor's office.  Low and behold it was my Mother sobbing uncontrollably telling me she was desperate and needed help.  She'd done everything she could to make ends meet, but would soon have nowhere to go and nowhere to live.  She went further to say she was forced to give up her two dogs, which tore her apart.  She begged for help.  Before I could even process what was going on, and before I could even say anything, I had the sense to say I'd just had a back procedure and was incredible pain, and that I'd have to call her back.

How is your back now? It's amazing how BPD parents seem to have the ability to strike/contact when their children are most vulnerable. I am glad though that you didn't let yourself be forced to make an immediate decision  but instead said that you were dealing with your own issues and would have to get back to her.

The bottom line is that I DON'T want her in my life.  I don't want to know what's going on in her life.  I meant what I said in my letter to her 17 months ago.  She is the most self-absorbed, manipulative and hurtful human being I've ever met.  Nothing good has ever come from her being in ANYONE'S life.

Is there some way I can shut her down without speaking with her?

How can I say what I mean, mean what I say and not be mean?

There are NO psychologists in my area that have any specialties with BPD.  Frankly, I'm SICK of therapy.  I feel really great when she's not in my life, but find that the only time I really feel the need for a therapist is when she is in my life. 

I need help/advice.

I reread your last post on here containing the letter you sent to your mother, her reply and the letter your partner intended to send to her. Did that last letter ever get sent to her?

I could really get a sense of the pain your mother has caused you when reading your letter to her. You were quite clear a year ago about wanting to be break off all contact with her and you still seem to be. Her call has understandably rattled you, especially since you were also dealing with your back pain. I have a uBPD mother too and in my experience the stories she tells aren't always an entirely correct reflection of what's really going on. Your mother called you after 17 months, seemingly in distress, pleading for help. That isn't an easy call to get and many children would find it upsetting, but basically you only have her word that she is having problems now. From what I gather from your post, your mother apparently was able to manage for 17 months without your help so how certain is it that she's really struggling now as she claims to be. Do you have any other sources that could confirm to you what your mother's situation is? Are you aware of how she was able to manage all this time without your help? You also state that your mother is quite resourceful and manipulative and taking that into account combined with the long period of time that has gone by, I'd be somewhat (read: highly) suspicious about the claims about her dire financial situation. Maybe she's telling the truth or maybe not, if there's a way for you to verify this, this can help you decide what to do and how to respond if responding is what you decide to do.

I hope this is of some help to you.

[yogibear60]

Just another thought.   How about reframing your prayers!  How about asking for the strength to "mean what you say and say what you mean"  I am hearing that so clearly from you.  You are without question a person of integrity.  Be true to yourself. 

[habitat]

Thank you all.  Kwamina, my Mother is definitely in dyer financial help.  From what I've heard, she has survived for the past 17 months living in a guest room in a family's home.  I'm not sure why she won't have a place to live soon.  Perhaps the family has caught on to her.  Maybe she's in her "splitting" mode, so she feels the family is against her-inevitably turning them against her.  I'm not sure.

Suffice it to say that she has nothing, has sold everything of value she has, expensive things that I've given her over the years, given her dogs away, etc... .  From what I understand, she's even received money from her church, but they only offer assistance up to a certain amount  (not sure what that amount is).

In a nut shell, without any type of "senior assistance" or someone to guide her through what govt. benefits are available, she'll eventually have nowhere to go.  This is my dilemma.  Although she feels she "couldn't possibly live" somewhere "like that," she has no alternative if I don't step in.  Plus, there ISN'T anyone to guide her through that process of locating resources, and I'm not going to be that person.

[gentlestguardian]

Suffice it to say that she has nothing, has sold everything of value she has, expensive things that I've given her over the years, given her dogs away, etc... .  From what I understand, she's even received money from her church, but they only offer assistance up to a certain amount  (not sure what that amount is).

In a nut shell, without any type of "senior assistance" or someone to guide her through what govt. benefits are available, she'll eventually have nowhere to go.  This is my dilemma.  Although she feels she "couldn't possibly live" somewhere "like that," she has no alternative if I don't step in.  Plus, there ISN'T anyone to guide her through that process of locating resources, and I'm not going to be that person.

Habitat,

I've been down this road with my BPDm. She's living on disability benefits and nothing else. For about a year and half, I took all of her complaints seriously. She told me she didn't have a microwave, so I bought her one. She told me she needed money for the dentist, so I gave it to her. She told me she needed money for clothing, so I gave that to her. Etc, etc. Then I found out that she wasn't using the money I was giving to her for the things she needed and using it to buy frivolous things she didn't have any need for whatsoever. I think Kwamina nailed it when she said that the stories our pwBPD tells us aren't always a true reflection of reality. What I realize now is that my BPDm was using her "complaints" as an excuse to get in contact with me and keep me hooked. As soon as I refused to help her financially, I stopped hearing from her. If it will ease your own mind, perhaps you could give her the phone number or address to the resources she needs and leave the rest up to her?

[yogibear60]

There are agencies for the aging in every county in the United States. If you feel the need to intervene on behalf of your mother do so through an agency. The only way I was able to get my mother out of the housewas to bring in outside help. I would not have any discussion with her without witnesses. I had the agencies involved do all of the work and I stayed out of any of the decisions. I did so to keep her from blaming me for decisions that she was not pleased with

The agencies on aging will have all of the information necessary to find a stable home placement for your mother. They will provide her with options and then she can make her own choice. If she chooses not to except any of the choices given to her then you can walk awayknowing that you have done the very best that you possibly can done. I absolutely refused to have any type of discussion without having other people involved.

[Panda39]

Habitat,

In the last 4 years my SO's uBPDexw has been evicted 3 times, couch surfed 3 times and is now on her second hotel.  This has of course upset his children and I will tell you what my SO tells them... . 

"She is a grown woman and you are not responsible for her.  She is responsible for herself and she has made the decisions that have put her in this situation"

My SO's mom also said of her "She's like a cat she always lands on her feet"

You have set your boundaries and I think you should stick with it.  If your mom has not been acting responsibly and needs help she will need to seek it elsewhere.  :)on't walk back into the FOG.

[yogibear60]

I completely agree with Panda...   Direct and to the point