BPD's past, not adding up...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

You can tell a lot about a person by their past. Let's face it, past experiences are what make us who we are. Had many things not happened in my life and had I not encountered the people I encountered, who knows who or where I'd be today. When it comes to my brothers BPD wife, her past just doesn't add up. I've gathered bits and pieces here and there but when I try to piece them all together, something just doesn't add up. According to what I've heard, she was "daddy's little princess growing up.". My brother claims she was very close with her father (yet my brother didn't even know what her fathers first name was). He passed away suddenly, from a stroke, a few years back. From what I know, her parents were together up until then. Her mom seems very nice and they seem to have a somewhat close relationship. Here's where it gets weird for me. Her and her sister do not speak to one another. According to her, her sisters husband either tried to kill her or threatened to kill her. Two extremely different things if you ask me. "Threatening" could be someone saying, "I'm going to kill you." And "trying" is someone actually taking a physical action against you that could've have ended in you dying. Either way, that's why she hasn't spoken to her sister in over five years. Oddly enough, she has a relationship with her sisters 18 year old son but not her 9 year old son because his father is the alleged, would be murderer. When it comes to men, neither her nor her sister seem to have luck. The sisters oldest sons father is out of the picture. I'm not sure if they were even married when they had him being that he has her sisters maiden name as his last name. According to my brother, the sisters current husband is a "junkie" and apparently a violent one at that. I've seen pictures of them and it seems they live a nice life but pictures could be deceiving. If that's the case however, her sister seems to have bad taste when it comes to men.

Now you have my brothers wife, the suspected BPD. She really had her run with men. By her early 30's she had already been married and divorced twice. After that it seemed she had a slurry of men move in and out of her home. We heard from an ex of hers who basically confirmed everything we thought about her, this far. She's very insecure, very controlling and very jealous. She moves extremely fast in relationships. It was only a month or so after they met that she had him move in and then soon after that, she was pressuring him to get engaged. She did the same exact thing with my brother and I'm sure all the men she encountered.  The usual BPD love bombing, idealization then devaluing. My brother being the most recent victim of hers. Luckily, the others got away before it got too serious.

According to my brother, the sister has "her own bag of issues" (remember this information is coming from someone who has MANY bags of her own issues) and obviously we know his wife is most likely a BPD and NPD. Given their problems with men, I hate to stereotype, but this just doesn't seem like two girls who grew up in a normal home with healthy parents. This seems more like what you'd see from a girl who has,"daddy issues".  For her to even be a BPD, wouldn't she have had to suffer some type of abuse or neglect in her past, that or have grown up with a BPD parent? It just doesn't make sense to me. She makes it seem as if she grew up in this rather normal home. Her family lived in an upper middle class neighborhood and both her and her sister went to catholic school. The only other info I got was that she was completely spoiled as a child and was very mean to her parents if she didn't get her way.

I know this probably doesn't matter but I'm just curious. Had I heard she loved this horribly traumatic childhood, her crazy behavior would at least make some type of sense to me. It would at the very least, explain why she has a hard time having healthy relationships with people in her life. I remember reading something about BPDs sort of fabricating their pasts but I recall it was making them seem more dramatic not less. Am I wrong?

[Youcantfoolme]

You can tell a lot about a person by their past. Let's face it, past experiences are what make us who we are. Had many things not happened in my life and had I not encountered the people I encountered, who knows who or where I'd be today. When it comes to my brothers BPD wife, her past just doesn't add up. I've gathered bits and pieces here and there but when I try to piece them all together, something just doesn't add up. According to what I've heard, she was "daddy's little princess growing up.". My brother claims she was very close with her father (yet my brother didn't even know what her fathers first name was). He passed away suddenly, from a stroke, a few years back. From what I know, her parents were together up until then. Her mom seems very nice and they seem to have a somewhat close relationship. Here's where it gets weird for me. Her and her sister do not speak to one another. According to her, her sisters husband either tried to kill her or threatened to kill her. Two extremely different things if you ask me. "Threatening" could be someone saying, "I'm going to kill you." And "trying" is someone actually taking a physical action against you that could've have ended in you dying. Either way, that's why she hasn't spoken to her sister in over five years. Oddly enough, she has a relationship with her sisters 18 year old son but not her 9 year old son because his father is the alleged, would be murderer. When it comes to men, neither her nor her sister seem to have luck. The sisters oldest sons father is out of the picture. I'm not sure if they were even married when they had him being that he has her sisters maiden name as his last name. According to my brother, the sisters current husband is a "junkie" and apparently a violent one at that. I've seen pictures of them and it seems they live a nice life but pictures could be deceiving. If that's the case however, her sister seems to have bad taste when it comes to men.

Now you have my brothers wife, the suspected BPD. She really had her run with men. By her early 30's she had already been married and divorced twice. After that it seemed she had a slurry of men move in and out of her home. We heard from an ex of hers who basically confirmed everything we thought about her, this far. She's very insecure, very controlling and very jealous. She moves extremely fast in relationships. It was only a month or so after they met that she had him move in and then soon after that, she was pressuring him to get engaged. She did the same exact thing with my brother and I'm sure all the men she encountered.  The usual BPD love bombing, idealization then devaluing. My brother being the most recent victim of hers. Luckily, the others got away before it got too serious.

According to my brother, the sister has "her own bag of issues" (remember this information is coming from someone who has MANY bags of her own issues) and obviously we know his wife is most likely a BPD and NPD. Given their problems with men, I hate to stereotype, but this just doesn't seem like two girls who grew up in a normal home with healthy parents. This seems more like what you'd see from a girl who has,"daddy issues".  For her to even be a BPD, wouldn't she have had to suffer some type of abuse or neglect in her past, that or have grown up with a BPD parent? It just doesn't make sense to me. She makes it seem as if she grew up in this rather normal home. Her family lived in an upper middle class neighborhood and both her and her sister went to catholic school. The only other info I got was that she was completely spoiled as a child and was very mean to her parents if she didn't get her way.

I know this probably doesn't matter but I'm just curious. Had I heard she loved this horribly traumatic childhood, her crazy behavior would at least make some type of sense to me. It would at the very least, explain why she has a hard time having healthy relationships with people in her life. I remember reading something about BPDs sort of fabricating their pasts but I recall it was making them seem more dramatic not less. Am I wrong?

[clljhns]

Youcan'tfoolme,

I know this probably doesn't matter but I'm just curious. Had I heard she loved this horribly traumatic childhood, her crazy behavior would at least make some type of sense to me. It would at the very least, explain why she has a hard time having healthy relationships with people in her life. I remember reading something about BPDs sort of fabricating their pasts but I recall it was making them seem more dramatic not less. Am I wrong?

Abuse is relative. What one person endures and does not manifest mental illness, could cause mental illness in another. I don't know if it is necessary to retrace her history to understand the current behavior, unless you are looking for some understanding and perhaps some empathy. I am struck by the amount of information you have shared here about your sister-in-law. How does this information help you? What if you did find out the complete truth about her childhood? What would this information mean for you? Is it possible that everything that you found out is true, but there may still be missing pieces to the puzzle?

What are you doing to help yourself in this situation? Have you read any of the articles here about BPD?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I am merely trying to think what will be most helpful to you.

Wishing you the best.

Peace and blessings. 

[Panda39]

Youcan'tfoolme,

I have wondered the same thing about my SO's uBPDexw.  We want to understand how this person became BPD.  We want to know so that we can make sense of it. When we grow up in a "normal" household BPD is a completely foreign thing.  What is it?  How does it manifest itself in general and in this specific person now in our lives?

The truth is we will probably never really know because stories are fabricated, stories are passed around and distorted, truth gets lost in lies, lies become the truth, there may not be any one thing that triggered it, and some of this is biology.

BPD just is part of this person now in our lives.

[Youcantfoolme]

Youcan'tfoolme,

I know this probably doesn't matter but I'm just curious. Had I heard she loved this horribly traumatic childhood, her crazy behavior would at least make some type of sense to me. It would at the very least, explain why she has a hard time having healthy relationships with people in her life. I remember reading something about BPDs sort of fabricating their pasts but I recall it was making them seem more dramatic not less. Am I wrong?

Abuse is relative. What one person endures and does not manifest mental illness, could cause mental illness in another. I don't know if it is necessary to retrace her history to understand the current behavior, unless you are looking for some understanding and perhaps some empathy. I am struck by the amount of information you have shared here about your sister-in-law. How does this information help you? What if you did find out the complete truth about her childhood? What would this information mean for you? Is it possible that everything that you found out is true, but there may still be missing pieces to the puzzle?

What are you doing to help yourself in this situation? Have you read any of the articles here about BPD?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I am merely trying to think what will be most helpful to you.

Wishing you the best.

Peace and blessings. 

Nothing harsh about anything you said. I didn't take it that way AT ALL! I think I am just trying to make sense of her actions. I can't justify a person acting the way she does and so my brain automatically needs to know what would cause her to be such an evil, heartless, non-empathetic person. I read probably close to 100 articles about BPD over the past 9 months. This includes books as well. Most say the cause of BPD, is due to shield hood trauma and neglect or learned behavior. This girl presents every single characteristic of BPD plus some NPD as well as HCP. I can't see that she came from this wonderful home yet seems to carry a lot of baggage with her and has very stormy interpersonal relationships with people. Maybe she isn't BPD at all but just an extreme version of the quintessential, Veruca Salt, spoiled brat. I don't really know. I also wonder why her sisters husband would try or threaten to kill her! What did she do? I could totally see her instigating or provoking him. She has a tendency to rub people the wrong way. I guess I just need answers. Just like people wonder what the meaning of life is. I need an explanation for why she's so cruel and heartless. Maybe it will humanize her for me because right now all I see is this dark bottomless pit. It's extremely hard for me to relate with so done who completely lacks remorse or empathy. Is this just her exterior? A front she puts on for the world to hide the hurt little girl inside or is that the fundamentals of her entire being?

What am I doing to help myself? Coming here and asking questions like these! I need to understand people. To be honest, I'm intrigued. I haven't had much experience with personality disordered people in my life. I now realize someone I dated in the past may have been BPD but I didn't have these resources. It's just really interests me and reading, talking and asking questions helps me heal.

[clljhns]

Youcan'tfoolme,

What am I doing to help myself? Coming here and asking questions like these! I need to understand people. To be honest, I'm intrigued. I haven't had much experience with personality disordered people in my life. I now realize someone I dated in the past may have been BPD but I didn't have these resources. It's just really interests me and reading, talking and asking questions helps me heal.

I completely understand the need to make sense of everything. I went though several years of trying to understand why my parents and siblings are the way they are. In the end, nothing really added up. It just what it was. One thing that was helpful to me was all the reading, including Elisabeth Kubler Ross's book on grieving. I think it is important to understand that we grieve for the loss of the relationship, regardless of the circumstances behind the loss. We don't have to loose someone to death to grieve for them. Have you considered that you might be going through the grief process, and if so, where are you in that process?

Peace and blessings. 

[slimmiller]

It goes back to the nature vs nurture agrument. Its probably a bit of both.

I cant say its soley the environment one grew up in that made them a PD. Look at the lives of say Viktor Frankel for instance. If it was his past that made him, he would have been a complete psycho instead he chose to do a lot of good for the world after his experience at the hands of the Nazis.

PDs will hear what they need to to support what they 'need' to hear. For instance what you say and tell them, they run through a 'filter' before it hits their brain and distort it however so it supports their thought process. It does not matter what their past is, they will distort it and relay it to you to support the way they feel or want it to be. Their reality is completely detached and no different to them then it is to a 3 year old.

Their words are just that, words. I will never trust a word my ex says. I consider everything a lie until its backed up by action. So if it ends up being true, its a plus (keeping schedules with the kids etc)

Mind you though she has never lied to me. Her exact words, not mine

[Youcantfoolme]

Youcan'tfoolme,

What am I doing to help myself? Coming here and asking questions like these! I need to understand people. To be honest, I'm intrigued. I haven't had much experience with personality disordered people in my life. I now realize someone I dated in the past may have been BPD but I didn't have these resources. It's just really interests me and reading, talking and asking questions helps me heal.

I completely understand the need to make sense of everything. I went though several years of trying to understand why my parents and siblings are the way they are. In the end, nothing really added up. It just what it was. One thing that was helpful to me was all the reading, including Elisabeth Kubler Ross's book on grieving. I think it is important to understand that we grieve for the loss of the relationship, regardless of the circumstances behind the loss. We don't have to loose someone to death to grieve for them. Have you considered that you might be going through the grief process, and if so, where are you in that process?

Peace and blessings. 

This is 100% a grieving process. I'm very, very familiar with grief and what comes along with it. I was in the anger stage for a while and now I think slowly but surely, I'm making way I to the acceptance phase. That doesn't mean I am not still upset or hurt, I have just finally realized that there's nothing I could do to change the situation and until (or if ever) my brother ever escapes the fog, he won't be part of my life. I have to say, a lot of people here have helped immensely in me reaching this stage.

[aubin]

Youcan'tfoolme,

I understand that strong desire to want some answers. I was in that state for a while after breaking up with my BPD ex and then slowly discovering that my mother is likely BPD as well. At times, I simply felt stuck and not sure how to move forward with my thinking and feelings about my pwBPD without being able to make sense of all. Now years later, I still don't have very many answers but managed to move out of the stuck place by slowly moving towards having some compassion for my uBPD mother, even despite her abuse. I still don't like her (certainly don't love her) and have decided to keep a distance from her for my own self preservation and healing. But being able to have some compassion for her has allowed me to move along a little from needing answers that would explain everything. 

I think the hardest thing about BPD is that what might make perfect sense in their minds is just utter chaos to everyone else. I don't think there can ever really be sensible answers for that.