Does your pwBPD FOO issues compound the BPD issues?

[maxsterling]

I'm realizing that in addition to BPD, my fiance has FOO issues that seem to be separate from, but work in conjunction with BPD to further complicate things. 

For example, few people in her family have hobbies or interests or do much of their own cleaning, cooking, or yardwork.  So not only does my fiance feel abandonment (BPD) when I go outside to do yardwork, she also doesn't understand it from a FOO standpoint.

Another example is money.   Most people in her family seem to obsess over money much more than my family, and have a certain standard and a certain standard of living.  My family tends to live for happiness, they tend to have money as part of their happiness plan.  So considering that she can't hold down a job or control her spending due to her BPD, the FOO idea that money=happiness seems to make the issue worse. 

Her family also seems to be much more judgmental than mine, and I think that doesn't do well with her BPD fear of being judged. 

Anyone else deal with this?  It just seems like her BPD issues would be easier to deal with if there weren't overlying FOO issues.  Makes trying to plan a wedding difficult.  In addition to her being naturally indecisive (BPD), there seems to be this family standard issue that makes things that much more difficult. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[empathic]

Yes, they definitely compound the BPD issues. Much of what you've written is true in my case also. Lack of hobbies, focus on money. It's hard to get any appreciation for things they don't value in her FOO, like yard work.

It got worse after my wife started working in the family business. Before that she talked about going no contact with her FOO. But it turns out it was just talk, because they are connected at a very deep level.

They are very judgmental behind the facade, also about my FOO which complicates things a lot. They don't show what they think about people, instead they talk about it later behind their backs, which is totally against my own values.

[Moselle]

I recognise both of your stories in my wife's FOO as well. She went NC for 18 months and then conspired with them to blame me as an isolating husband.

Also, serious money and image focus. Kids (6 girls) had to look a certain way. Father used to show them pictures as kids of over weight people and say ":)o you want to look like this?" All the kids have eating disorders of one type or another now. Bulimia,  overeating. BPD NPD.

I now know that the mother was the one selecting potential bf's, they ( and I ) had to pass tests of height, earning potential, good looks. It's unbelievable. I married the eldest. The mother did not approve of one of the fiance's of her precious daughters, and literally asked me what she could do to get rid of him.  The whole family started exlcuding him. I said, "they seem happy to me", and went out of my way to include him and make him feel welcome.

Its interesting how we reap what we sew.  I have since been split black and ostracised by the family for separating from their precious, yet mentally ill daughter. Guess who is the only one greeting me and being kind to me.