Sheer Exasperation + uBPDm

[Depression = 72% of members]

This morning, I'm not looking for any advice, but I'd like to write a little about the sheer exasperation of having a uBPDm. In the real world, there are books about conflict resolution and High Conflict People.  These books teach all kinds of nifty techniques, such as "always use the 'I' message," and so on.

However, for those of us that have a BPD in our lives, these are humorous because we all know too well that these people will not be managed.  They have never encountered a boundary they didn't either jump over or knock down. 

For example, I have a 12 year old diabetic cat who is the love of my life.  He's the sweetest and funniest little thing.  My uBPDm wants the cat to love her.  She probably wants the cat to love her more than he loves me because she's always been competitive with me.  I remember in HS coming home and finding one of my best friends sitting at our dining room table telling my uBPDm all of the problems she couldn't tell her own mother.  My mom has this great mask she puts on for the world.  She acts the part of the wise therapist and attracts many "followers" this way. Of course, they never see behind the curtain that she has the maturity of a 10 year old and is incapable of managing her emotions.

Well, kitty is sick and peeing too much because Mommie Dearest has been mixing Fancy Feast in with his MD-prescribed food.  I've asked her three times not to do this in such a nice way, explaining how important it is right now to keep the dear kitty on his strict diet.

But, of course, Mommie Dearest knows better than me, and better than the Vet.  She knows better than anyone what my dear kitty needs.  She said she's just giving him the FF to add "flavor" to his food.  She said she "read up on it" on the Web and he's peeing so much because he's drinking too much water, but this is good because "it cleans the toxins out of his body."

Now, anyone that knows about Diabetes knows that it isn't good at all.  His diet is raising his blood sugar and this is causing him to urinate more than he should.  If she would just stick to the prescribed diet this wouldn't happen.  But, Mommie Dearest knows best.  She knows everything.  She's smarter than us all 

So, now I have to deal with my mother making my cat sick and there's absolutely nothing I can do or say that will get her to stop.  This morning I wrote a very brief note. "Cat peeing too much.  Please no more FF. Making him ill."

Sigh.     These are the little things that all add up when you have a uBPD in your life.  It's just a constant struggle to set boundaries that they topple.

However, I am trying to focus on what is good.  Despite these very frustrating things, my uBPD is paying for the cat's MD food.  That's really good and generous of her.  I am very grateful to her for that. 

I just wish everything wasn't always one extreme or the other. It's just so hard to reconcile the dichotomies in my uBPDm's behavior. 

I am blessed that there's 50 percent of her that is good and I am trying to focus on that part.

[jmanvo2015]

This morning, I'm not looking for any advice, but I'd like to write a little about the sheer exasperation of having a uBPDm. In the real world, there are books about conflict resolution and High Conflict People.  These books teach all kinds of nifty techniques, such as "always use the 'I' message," and so on.

However, for those of us that have a BPD in our lives, these are humorous because we all know too well that these people will not be managed.  They have never encountered a boundary they didn't either jump over or knock down. 

For example, I have a 12 year old diabetic cat who is the love of my life.  He's the sweetest and funniest little thing.  My uBPDm wants the cat to love her.  She probably wants the cat to love her more than he loves me because she's always been competitive with me.  I remember in HS coming home and finding one of my best friends sitting at our dining room table telling my uBPDm all of the problems she couldn't tell her own mother.  My mom has this great mask she puts on for the world.  She acts the part of the wise therapist and attracts many "followers" this way. Of course, they never see behind the curtain that she has the maturity of a 10 year old and is incapable of managing her emotions.

Well, kitty is sick and peeing too much because Mommie Dearest has been mixing Fancy Feast in with his MD-prescribed food.  I've asked her three times not to do this in such a nice way, explaining how important it is right now to keep the dear kitty on his strict diet.

But, of course, Mommie Dearest knows better than me, and better than the Vet.  She knows better than anyone what my dear kitty needs.  She said she's just giving him the FF to add "flavor" to his food.  She said she "read up on it" on the Web and he's peeing so much because he's drinking too much water, but this is good because "it cleans the toxins out of his body."

Now, anyone that knows about Diabetes knows that it isn't good at all.  His diet is raising his blood sugar and this is causing him to urinate more than he should.  If she would just stick to the prescribed diet this wouldn't happen.  But, Mommie Dearest knows best.  She knows everything.  She's smarter than us all 

So, now I have to deal with my mother making my cat sick and there's absolutely nothing I can do or say that will get her to stop.  This morning I wrote a very brief note. "Cat peeing too much.  Please no more FF. Making him ill."

Sigh.     These are the little things that all add up when you have a uBPD in your life.  It's just a constant struggle to set boundaries that they topple.

However, I am trying to focus on what is good.  Despite these very frustrating things, my uBPD is paying for the cat's MD food.  That's really good and generous of her.  I am very grateful to her for that. 

I just wish everything wasn't always one extreme or the other. It's just so hard to reconcile the dichotomies in my uBPDm's behavior. 

I am blessed that there's 50 percent of her that is good and I am trying to focus on that part.

[MyLifeNow]

Your situation with your cat reminds me of a similar one with mine and my dad. After I finished university I went a year without getting more than two job interviews back home, so I decided to move across the country to Vancouver since mom was there and there was a pretty healthy IT industry there. Dad was really angry that I was leaving but he couldn't stop me, so I figured that was that. Only problem was when I moved I was going to be staying with my aunt and her two cats, and I couldn't have mine out there until I found a job and my own place.

Jump forward a couple months and I find out that he's angry at the cat because she's peeing in the laundry hamper. I told him to take her to the vet because that meant something was wrong, but did he? Nope. Another couple of months later I'm finally set up and ready to have her shipped out, and a couple months after that her kidneys failed. $20 worth of antibiotics would have prevented the whole situation, and he refused to help me with the vet bill that nearly wiped me out when she collapsed. He would talk about how much he loved having her around, but then refused to do the most basic things required to take care of her.

I'm almost convinced now that while I was gone my cat replaced me as his emotional regulation tool.