Is this normal/appropriate physical affection?

[Shelle]

I am currently in my late twenties, and my mother still once in a while tries to rub my back under my shirt/blouse even around my bra-area.  I tell her to stop because it doesn't feel appropriate to me, and then she becomes offended and asks my it feels that way to me since she is my mother.  I want to shout "Because your daughter is a grown woman!"

I find this very odd considering that when she saw my (now ex) boyfriend hug me (a very appropriate, short hug), she told me later that she felt so angry that she wanted to hurt, even kill him.

[Moselle]

I am currently in my late twenties, and my mother still once in a while tries to rub my back under my shirt/blouse even around my bra-area.  I tell her to stop because it doesn't feel appropriate to me, and then she becomes offended and asks my it feels that way to me since she is my mother.  I want to shout "Because your daughter is a grown woman!"

I find this very odd considering that when she saw my (now ex) boyfriend hug me (a very appropriate, short hug), she told me later that she felt so angry that she wanted to hurt, even kill him.

No, that doesn't sound appropriate to me. And you are clearly uncomfortable with it. How long has she done that? And has she tried to touch you in other sensitive areas?

[Shelle]

I should have clarified more... .She doesn't try to touch my breasts or private parts, only my back and belly (which I feel self-conscious about because she has criticized my weight so much).  It still makes me uncomfortable because if she ever saw a man touching me like that, her reaction would be catastrophic (not an overstatement).

I can understand that she would want to keep our relationship the way it was when I was a baby, but I am not a baby anymore.

It also makes me feel uneasy because I heard from more than one relative that she experimented with lesbian relationships around the time that she and my dad divorced.

[Moselle]

I should have clarified more... .She doesn't try to touch my breasts or private parts, only my back and belly (which I feel self-conscious about because she has criticized my weight so much).  It still makes me uncomfortable because if she ever saw a man touching me like that, her reaction would be catastrophic (not an overstatement).

I can understand that she would want to keep our relationship the way it was when I was a baby, but I am not a baby anymore.

It also makes me feel uneasy because I heard from more than one relative that she experimented with lesbian relationships around the time that she and my dad divorced.

OK that's a relief, but there does seem to be some innappropriateness around her behaviour towards you. There seems to be a few red flags.

1. Touching you feel uncomfortable with.

2. She treats you as a child still.

3. She seems to be intensely jealous of any romantic interests you have.

Has she been diagnosed with any disorders? Do you suspect BPD?

[Shelle]

I should have clarified more... .She doesn't try to touch my breasts or private parts, only my back and belly (which I feel self-conscious about because she has criticized my weight so much).  It still makes me uncomfortable because if she ever saw a man touching me like that, her reaction would be catastrophic (not an overstatement).

I can understand that she would want to keep our relationship the way it was when I was a baby, but I am not a baby anymore.

It also makes me feel uneasy because I heard from more than one relative that she experimented with lesbian relationships around the time that she and my dad divorced.

OK that's a relief, but there does seem to be some innappropriateness around her behaviour towards you. There seems to be a few red flags.

1. Touching you feel uncomfortable with.

2. She treats you as a child still.

3. She seems to be intensely jealous of any romantic interests you have.

Has she been diagnosed with any disorders? Do you suspect BPD?

She has not been diagnosed, but she has 7 of the 9 characteristics listed in the DSM, and most of them have been prevalent since she was a teenager.

I appreciate the helpful replies. 

[Moselle]

I should have clarified more... .She doesn't try to touch my breasts or private parts, only my back and belly (which I feel self-conscious about because she has criticized my weight so much).  It still makes me uncomfortable because if she ever saw a man touching me like that, her reaction would be catastrophic (not an overstatement).

I can understand that she would want to keep our relationship the way it was when I was a baby, but I am not a baby anymore.

It also makes me feel uneasy because I heard from more than one relative that she experimented with lesbian relationships around the time that she and my dad divorced.

OK that's a relief, but there does seem to be some innappropriateness around her behaviour towards you. There seems to be a few red flags.

1. Touching you feel uncomfortable with.

2. She treats you as a child still.

3. She seems to be intensely jealous of any romantic interests you have.

Has she been diagnosed with any disorders? Do you suspect BPD?

She has not been diagnosed, but she has 7 of the 9 characteristics listed in the DSM, and most of them have been prevalent since she was a teenager.

I appreciate the helpful replies. 

I'm replying on my phone, otherwise I would send you the links, but on the home page of bpdfamily is a green block that speaks about boundaries. I suggest you look at that and decide how to define, and communicate your boundaries with your mum. Good luck and keep posting

[Lise]

I should have clarified more... .She doesn't try to touch my breasts or private parts, only my back and belly (which I feel self-conscious about because she has criticized my weight so much).  It still makes me uncomfortable because if she ever saw a man touching me like that, her reaction would be catastrophic (not an overstatement).

I can understand that she would want to keep our relationship the way it was when I was a baby, but I am not a baby anymore.

It also makes me feel uneasy because I heard from more than one relative that she experimented with lesbian relationships around the time that she and my dad divorced.

Hi Shelle,

It saddened me to read this post, because it seems like you think you need to come up with good reasons why you find your mother's inappropriate touching uncomfortable. You really don't! You are allowed to set the rules for what happens to your body and no one can demand that you have a good reason for your boundaries.

If you don't like her touching you under the shirt, you have every right in the entire universe to demand that she stops doing it. If she finds it strange that's really not your problem.

This is a lot easier to say, that to do - I know that. My aim was to make it abundantly clear that only you get to decide in what way it is okay to touch you. I'm hoping that it might make it a bit easier to stick to your decision, when telling her you find her touching inappropriate.

And, just for the record: Yes it is extremely improper and indecent to touch a grown woman under her shirt without her permission.

[Harri]

Hi Shelle.  Sorry to chime in so late.  I missed this thread earlier.

Moselle and Lise are right.  Her behavior is inappropriate and you do have a right to tell her to stop.  It can be as simple as "Mom, please stop doing that I don't like it".  If she asks why or gets offended repeat again that you do not like it when she does that.  Period. 

I empathize with you as my mother frequently did inappropriate touching.