Step mum has BPD and now dementia

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My dad has been married to his wife for ten years, they met when he was in his 60s. She appears to be very kind and lovely but because of the BPD she also has never been satisfied with him or where they live, she constantly threatens to leave him. She's always moved around a lot because of this dissatisfaction with places. Now she has signs of dementia, her short term memory is poor and she's lost the memory for doing basic cooking like boiling an egg. She's in denial as she's so scared people will think she's lost her marbles. So despite dad telling her doctor and nurse at the GP surgery they can't do much until she asks for help. My dad was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer on Monday, has he two months to live if he's lucky. The day before the diagnosis she rang my brother at 7.45am in a rage saying my dad is telling her friends she's loosing it and she can't stand where they live any more and will leave him. She has been threatening to leave him since they married. We have amended his will so any money left to her is in trust and we (my siblings and I are trustees). This is to protect her from herself and family members. Her sister is also borderline and children have similar problems, in particular her youngest son who is very emeshed with her. Her son hates my father as my dad won't let him in the house anymore. I could cope with dad being ill as he's easy to look after, his wife is making me feel more stressed because we now have to care for them both and she is so unpredictable we all feel on edge. She already got into a state over the visit to the solicitors assuming we'll do something bad like cut her out. All dad has ever done is put things in place to protect her. No one has ever talked about her personality disorder, I don't know if she's ever been diagnosed, my dad certainly has no idea. I only figured it out after dating someone with BPD after that I could identify more people I'd met over the years who were BPD. She fits the criteria perfectly especially the early child abuse she experienced. She's not really bad in her behaviour she just cannot trust anyone properly, cannot tolerate stress of any kind, has a very loose grip on reality often fanaticising bad things, she has high levels of fear, never sleeps well as she's awake worrying most of the time. Basically we can reassure her and comfort her and she's fine and very appreciate but it doesn't stick, we have to go over the same things constantly. Her children are all very neurotic and unstable, they all have relationship issues ranging from BPD like behaviour to commitment issues and depression. I don't think she was abusive to them in any serious way just very unstable and neurotic. She has a fear of being in lifts, without water, in fact my dad once got stuck on the moors in the car as it was snowing and she freaked out completely saying a man working in a field near by was going to murder them. Anyway my main worry is coping with a BPD who has dementia and no one is aware or talking about her BPD. I've never told my dad as it would do little good, I'm meeting dads GP - should I tell him?

[thequad]

My dad has been married to his wife for ten years, they met when he was in his 60s. She appears to be very kind and lovely but because of the BPD she also has never been satisfied with him or where they live, she constantly threatens to leave him. She's always moved around a lot because of this dissatisfaction with places. Now she has signs of dementia, her short term memory is poor and she's lost the memory for doing basic cooking like boiling an egg. She's in denial as she's so scared people will think she's lost her marbles. So despite dad telling her doctor and nurse at the GP surgery they can't do much until she asks for help. My dad was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer on Monday, has he two months to live if he's lucky. The day before the diagnosis she rang my brother at 7.45am in a rage saying my dad is telling her friends she's loosing it and she can't stand where they live any more and will leave him. She has been threatening to leave him since they married. We have amended his will so any money left to her is in trust and we (my siblings and I are trustees). This is to protect her from herself and family members. Her sister is also borderline and children have similar problems, in particular her youngest son who is very emeshed with her. Her son hates my father as my dad won't let him in the house anymore. I could cope with dad being ill as he's easy to look after, his wife is making me feel more stressed because we now have to care for them both and she is so unpredictable we all feel on edge. She already got into a state over the visit to the solicitors assuming we'll do something bad like cut her out. All dad has ever done is put things in place to protect her. No one has ever talked about her personality disorder, I don't know if she's ever been diagnosed, my dad certainly has no idea. I only figured it out after dating someone with BPD after that I could identify more people I'd met over the years who were BPD. She fits the criteria perfectly especially the early child abuse she experienced. She's not really bad in her behaviour she just cannot trust anyone properly, cannot tolerate stress of any kind, has a very loose grip on reality often fanaticising bad things, she has high levels of fear, never sleeps well as she's awake worrying most of the time. Basically we can reassure her and comfort her and she's fine and very appreciate but it doesn't stick, we have to go over the same things constantly. Her children are all very neurotic and unstable, they all have relationship issues ranging from BPD like behaviour to commitment issues and depression. I don't think she was abusive to them in any serious way just very unstable and neurotic. She has a fear of being in lifts, without water, in fact my dad once got stuck on the moors in the car as it was snowing and she freaked out completely saying a man working in a field near by was going to murder them. Anyway my main worry is coping with a BPD who has dementia and no one is aware or talking about her BPD. I've never told my dad as it would do little good, I'm meeting dads GP - should I tell him?

[Harri]

Hi thequad.  I am very sorry to hear about your father's diagnosis.  It is so sad that at this very vulnerable time you have to also deal with a pwBPD and all the challenges that entails. 

I would tell your dads GP about his wife and I would make it clear that she can not be depended upon for helping to care for your dad.  I think it would be better to stress her memory and emotional issues rather than mentioning the term BPD.  Dementia can cause a lot of the same behaviors and I think most people, including doctors, have a better understanding of dementia.  My thinking is that you may get more help and understanding if you do not mention BPD.  You can't document the diagnosis and even if you were able to have her evaluated, I am not sure a diagnosis could be made apart from the dementia.  Did that make sense?

I am sure other people will chime in with their thoughts and perhaps some ideas on how to handle this complex situation.  In the meantime, hang in there.

[thequad]

Thanks for your support. Today has been horrendous. We visited the GP and explained her situation and the fact she needed support. He knows she is in denial about her dementia and said we might be able to get her to accept help by using my dads cancer as a way in. He said he'd speak to the hospice nurse and she was very good and could help. My step mum has broken down again and needed a lot of reassurance. We are at our wits end with it. My brother spoke to her daughter, the most stable one of the family, but still very neurotic and difficult. He explained that we could not sell dads assets until his death as the solicitor and estate agent had advised this for legal and probate reasons. That means that my step mum will have to stay in the current house alone until we sort it out. Something we know she doesn't want to do. Her daughter pretty much said she wouldn't help and that dad should have made adequate provision for her, she was totally unsympathetic and she seems unwilling to even commit to stopping by once a week. We now feel like we have been lumbered with responsibility for her as well as my dad. I feel at breaking point. We have no support from her family basically. It's all on our shoulders. Reassuring my dads wife is like a bottomless pit, it never sticks and its' draining us.

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear about your fathers health, and his wife’s situation. It must be very difficult for you. I think it would be helpful for any medical professional to know the full details of someone’s health. If you know someone has BPD, then you can alter your behaviour in order to avoid conflict. So I appreciate that BPD is a label you don’t really want to advertise, but it may well help improve the care of your mother in law. Also BPD often invent aliments to get attention/sympathy, although I’m not suggesting that may happen here, it’s still useful to know.

You mentioned her children were very neurotic and unstable. You also mention your mother in law has BPD but was not abusive to her children. BPD behaviour is by nature bad from anyone’s mental health, so it is technically abusive – not necessarily vindictive or purposeful, but always damaging.