I feel like I will never recover from the experience I had with my ex BPD

[Megatron]

I won't go into a long history of my experience, but you can look at my posting history if you'd like. I'm here after a long hiatus because more than ever before I feel like I need some support to get me on the right track. I'm 30 yrs old and had a long relationship with someone with BPD (they weren't officially diagnosed, but all the symptoms were there). It ended badly almost 5 years ago, and yet here I am, still hurting from the experience. As more time has passed I've improved in some ways but I still feel like the wounds haven't completely healed.

I still am terrified of ever being in another relationship with someone. Its why I have been single since my ex left almost 5 years ago. I have no self-confidence anymore when it comes to getting myself out there and trying to date. I've had opportunities where I've dated other women who seemed to have really like me but I all pushed them away claiming I wasn't ready for anything serious, and of course I was always comparing these people to my ex. I look back now and realize I've made some huge mistakes in this regard.

I still think about my ex a lot and it just hasn't been good for me. I fear that I'm just never going to feel worthy enough of someone else's love. My ex could make me feel so low sometime I just feel like there is something inherently wrong with me and if I ever do get in a relationship with someone that I will get treated the same way. Sometimes I just feel like there is something about me that brings out the worst in people.

I'd really like to get married someday and have a family. At 30, its depressing to see so many of my friends getting married and having kids. I feel like time is slipping away and that I will never fully recover from my BPD experience. I just have no confidence in myself so I thought I'd turn here to get some support and try to look on the bright side of things. I appreciate any advice people on here have to offer. Thanks.

[purpleavocado]

Oh, megatron... I really feel for you. I'm sure we all do. 

I'm 30 also and while it's been about a year and a half since my final breakup with my BPDex, I am still reeling from it and have many of the same emotions around it. Will I ever feel confident in myself? Will I ever trust my judgement about other people? Will I ever trust again?

All of my friends are married, in long relationships, engaged, whatever... and I often wonder if I will ever feel ready and confident enough in a relationship to take that step. But I believe that what is meant to happen will happen and I'm working on trusting myself now and in the future. And that especially means being honest with myself about red flags and having a bottom line for leaving a relationship. I can't get into one without having that plan, you know? And I still feel like I'm nowhere near ready, but one day.

Have you worked with a therapist at all? I've found that the biggest help is hearing an objective voice who says "hey, it wasn't your fault" and things like that. She helps me think about how to avoid this kind of relationship in the future and how my actions with the relationship were part of a larger pattern of my life overall.