Closing the door and opening the heart ; my lessons in Healing and Moving On.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm in the 11th month of moving from my exBPD. Though, I am not 100% certain now if she is BPD or not. The back and forth conversations, denials of things said and experienced, take their toll.

And though we have been LC, communicating through email and text only, tonight something in me died. Or perhaps, the recognition that something had died ages ago finally arose in my awareness.

My process for healing has been arduous. Some of you have seen me posting on here on real bad days. And in all honesty, I do not know if the experiences I had are something completely able to be healed ... .only integrated, accepted and moved on.

At first, I was raging angry. Full of guilt. Shame. Confusion. And sick. When I moved out, it was a stealth move to another state. I quit my job. Moved into a spare cabin on my parents land. For about two weeks, my hands and body would shake from the anxiety and stress of the entire experience.

Leaving was the hardest thing to do. Ever.

Because, and you all know this, I love my BPD with my whole being. It's what kept me present, and trying for such a long time.

So many questions about who I am, my ethics and values, and how to move on would arise.

Questions like,

Am I BPD?

Am I broken, as she claimed?

What is masculinity, after being told I'm not a man?

Was she cheating on me, because I kept being accused of cheating?

Am I abusive, as she insisted?

Why did I choose this relationship?

How could I stay in it, even knowing it was unhealthy for me?

Is love real?

Who am I?

Many of these questions have no clear answer.

The most difficult thing to acknowledge was how I enabled and participated in this dynamic.

Pleading ignorance to BPD only goes so far. Like many on this board, I also had the 'little voice' that was telling me something was off.

I ignored it. Why? Lack of self-trust. Need for attention and affection. Insecurities. All of the above, in different doses on different days.

The first three months out I was pretty much drunk every day. Until my mom had her stroke, then I had something else to focus on for a while. But once mom got better a few months later, I was back to ground zero facing my emotional pain. At least by then, I wasn't drinking daily ... .just every other day and with increasingly smaller amounts.

Alleviating the pain and hiding from it is essential and helpful, up to a point. Eventually, the shadow has to be faced and walked through.

One must believe there is a new day, a dawning of a new life. Hope, so hard to come by when feeling so dark, is a precious commodity ... .an essential ingredient to healing.

During those early months I was very very productive. It was another way to hide from the emotions, though working really hard does have its own rewards.

Dating had crossed my mind, like it does for so many of us. And as many on this board discover, the pain and confusion from becoming close to anyone again, to be vulnerable and trust, is overwhelming.

I set aside any desire to be in relationship.

During this time, I still was in communication with my ex. And she kept insisting that I was seeing somebody, dating, F'ing around.

Nothing I could communicate would sink in. She has insisted on my cheating and sleeping around and being a slut up to about two months ago.

You all can understand how much that undermined my self-esteem, and healing process.

Yes, a lot of personal work has been done.

And at the same time, self-nurturing was just an act to go through. A self-love automaton, uncapable of actually feeling anything other than empty or angry. Empty is better than angry. Yet, self-nurturing brings up everything even when the actions are not full-hearted.

Self-nurturing is a process that brings healing, in time. That is why hope is so essential.

My greatest discovery is that I am not who I was before.

Honestly, I have no clue who I am.

I am tired of feeling broken. Though there was pain and confusion from earlier relationships, the exBPD broke me. It's tough to admit. Tougher still to admit I allowed it. Over false idealism.

Rebuilding myself has been a journey. Much that was once important no longer is. And finding any aspect of life to be excited about or fulfilled by has yet to happen. I am still healing.

Meditation, yoga, spirituality -- touted as a way to speed up the healing process ... .they all help up to a point.

Behind it all is still the dirty, essential job of scrubbing ones own soul clean. No religion helps with that.

Only raw, uncensored self-inspection. Radical honesty. Radical self-acceptance.

Forgiveness.

In so many ways, forgiveness is the real key.

And gratitude.

It's tough.

And I must admit, when communicating with her in email, I rage. I use her words. She told me she hates me, so when I get angry at her I tell her she hates me. She told me I am broken. When she gets defensive and is gaslighting, I tell her I am broken.

No-contact, or as limited as possible if children are involved, is ESSENTIAL.

It is the KEY to healing.

And by no-contact, it also means ... .NOT THINKING ABOUT THEM. At all. Period. Ever. No masturbation. No reminiscing. No facebook. NO ANYTHING.

Any drug addict knows that when craving another hit, that is all one thinks about.

Not thinking about the xBPD is insanely difficult. Only time helps. And not even very much.

Tonight was the last night of my back and forth communications with her.

According to her, we didn't fight. We didn't scream. She didn't yell at me until 4am. She didn't accuse me of cheating.

It's insane making.

And I know, for a fact, these things happened.

How much time does one want to give to the xBPD? The relationship was hard enough, leaving harder still ... .how much time do I want to keep giving in the aftermath? None, anymore.

With all my heart, soul, spirit, and understanding I did my best. My family is AMAZED at my devotion, conviction, and loyalty.

My ex, is not. She fails to recognize my efforts and attempts, all along the way. Even after moving out.

She can never understand how much I love her.

And it's a sad day when love demands walking away. Leaving, out of love, is contrary to my beliefs and nature.

The best understanding that has flowered for me is this :

The ability to love another demands self-nurturing.

If I am off-balance, I harm the people closest to me. That is not loving. To expect others to respond lovingly, is unloving. The responsibility rests with me. I will error. With love, can take responsibility and learn and grow. I can only hope that others will respond with love. If they do not, that is their choice, not mine.

I am only responsible for me.

[Artisan]

I'm in the 11th month of moving from my exBPD. Though, I am not 100% certain now if she is BPD or not. The back and forth conversations, denials of things said and experienced, take their toll.

And though we have been LC, communicating through email and text only, tonight something in me died. Or perhaps, the recognition that something had died ages ago finally arose in my awareness.

My process for healing has been arduous. Some of you have seen me posting on here on real bad days. And in all honesty, I do not know if the experiences I had are something completely able to be healed ... .only integrated, accepted and moved on.

At first, I was raging angry. Full of guilt. Shame. Confusion. And sick. When I moved out, it was a stealth move to another state. I quit my job. Moved into a spare cabin on my parents land. For about two weeks, my hands and body would shake from the anxiety and stress of the entire experience.

Leaving was the hardest thing to do. Ever.

Because, and you all know this, I love my BPD with my whole being. It's what kept me present, and trying for such a long time.

So many questions about who I am, my ethics and values, and how to move on would arise.

Questions like,

Am I BPD?

Am I broken, as she claimed?

What is masculinity, after being told I'm not a man?

Was she cheating on me, because I kept being accused of cheating?

Am I abusive, as she insisted?

Why did I choose this relationship?

How could I stay in it, even knowing it was unhealthy for me?

Is love real?

Who am I?

Many of these questions have no clear answer.

The most difficult thing to acknowledge was how I enabled and participated in this dynamic.

Pleading ignorance to BPD only goes so far. Like many on this board, I also had the 'little voice' that was telling me something was off.

I ignored it. Why? Lack of self-trust. Need for attention and affection. Insecurities. All of the above, in different doses on different days.

The first three months out I was pretty much drunk every day. Until my mom had her stroke, then I had something else to focus on for a while. But once mom got better a few months later, I was back to ground zero facing my emotional pain. At least by then, I wasn't drinking daily ... .just every other day and with increasingly smaller amounts.

Alleviating the pain and hiding from it is essential and helpful, up to a point. Eventually, the shadow has to be faced and walked through.

One must believe there is a new day, a dawning of a new life. Hope, so hard to come by when feeling so dark, is a precious commodity ... .an essential ingredient to healing.

During those early months I was very very productive. It was another way to hide from the emotions, though working really hard does have its own rewards.

Dating had crossed my mind, like it does for so many of us. And as many on this board discover, the pain and confusion from becoming close to anyone again, to be vulnerable and trust, is overwhelming.

I set aside any desire to be in relationship.

During this time, I still was in communication with my ex. And she kept insisting that I was seeing somebody, dating, F'ing around.

Nothing I could communicate would sink in. She has insisted on my cheating and sleeping around and being a slut up to about two months ago.

You all can understand how much that undermined my self-esteem, and healing process.

Yes, a lot of personal work has been done.

And at the same time, self-nurturing was just an act to go through. A self-love automaton, uncapable of actually feeling anything other than empty or angry. Empty is better than angry. Yet, self-nurturing brings up everything even when the actions are not full-hearted.

Self-nurturing is a process that brings healing, in time. That is why hope is so essential.

My greatest discovery is that I am not who I was before.

Honestly, I have no clue who I am.

I am tired of feeling broken. Though there was pain and confusion from earlier relationships, the exBPD broke me. It's tough to admit. Tougher still to admit I allowed it. Over false idealism.

Rebuilding myself has been a journey. Much that was once important no longer is. And finding any aspect of life to be excited about or fulfilled by has yet to happen. I am still healing.

Meditation, yoga, spirituality -- touted as a way to speed up the healing process ... .they all help up to a point.

Behind it all is still the dirty, essential job of scrubbing ones own soul clean. No religion helps with that.

Only raw, uncensored self-inspection. Radical honesty. Radical self-acceptance.

Forgiveness.

In so many ways, forgiveness is the real key.

And gratitude.

It's tough.

And I must admit, when communicating with her in email, I rage. I use her words. She told me she hates me, so when I get angry at her I tell her she hates me. She told me I am broken. When she gets defensive and is gaslighting, I tell her I am broken.

No-contact, or as limited as possible if children are involved, is ESSENTIAL.

It is the KEY to healing.

And by no-contact, it also means ... .NOT THINKING ABOUT THEM. At all. Period. Ever. No masturbation. No reminiscing. No facebook. NO ANYTHING.

Any drug addict knows that when craving another hit, that is all one thinks about.

Not thinking about the xBPD is insanely difficult. Only time helps. And not even very much.

Tonight was the last night of my back and forth communications with her.

According to her, we didn't fight. We didn't scream. She didn't yell at me until 4am. She didn't accuse me of cheating.

It's insane making.

And I know, for a fact, these things happened.

How much time does one want to give to the xBPD? The relationship was hard enough, leaving harder still ... .how much time do I want to keep giving in the aftermath? None, anymore.

With all my heart, soul, spirit, and understanding I did my best. My family is AMAZED at my devotion, conviction, and loyalty.

My ex, is not. She fails to recognize my efforts and attempts, all along the way. Even after moving out.

She can never understand how much I love her.

And it's a sad day when love demands walking away. Leaving, out of love, is contrary to my beliefs and nature.

The best understanding that has flowered for me is this :

The ability to love another demands self-nurturing.

If I am off-balance, I harm the people closest to me. That is not loving. To expect others to respond lovingly, is unloving. The responsibility rests with me. I will error. With love, can take responsibility and learn and grow. I can only hope that others will respond with love. If they do not, that is their choice, not mine.

I am only responsible for me.

[Blimblam]

Artisan

Thank you for sharing where you are in your journey. Your insights are very sober.

I remember when we arrive here was around the same time. I too was having massive anxiety panic attacks. I spent a lot of time curled up in a ball and it felt like I was dying.  It was a few weeks before I could lay on my belly like a worm and not feel like I had to curl into a ball.  This kind of progress tool weeks.  After a whole I realized this is yoga.

Laying their in painfull agony eventually the rumination a would quiet down and I would just feel writhing pain. I realized this is meditation.

Everything I thought was is like me looking outward and accepting someone else's version. That laying there curled in a ball feeling like I was falling to my death endlessly as never dying was one of the most spiritual experiences I had ever had.  

It's amazing how so many of the terms of death an rebirth and awakening. Maya and samsara etc. reveal themselves as they actually are in this kind of experience but accepting the reality of what it is vs what I thought is such a struggle.

The journey is what it is.

We are in this together

[merlin4926]

It is so hard. I'm not who I was before and not who I was when I was with him. I guess though we will heal he's never going to know himself

[Artisan]

They don't matter.

It doesn't matter if they get help or not.

They are not our responsibility.

Moving on means letting go in every way. Which is what the BPD fears the most, and is the only path to healing for us nons.

That means, leaving them behind emotionally, mentally, and in _every single way_.

Is it hard?

The hardest thing ever, to leave someone who is loved.

This is more than tough love, its radical love.

[purpleavocado]

Artisan, this is beautifully written and many many hugs to you. Many of us (including myself) could have written it almost word for word.  A year and a half after my breakup and not laying eyes on my ex even once, I still have a tremendous amount of love for her that I will never understand. I try to see it in terms of my capability to love- and one day love the right person, who won't make me walk on eggshells and who won't manipulate me and cause me the amount of anxiety she did. I'm already a slightly anxious person by nature, but the anxiety she caused me was on a whole different level. She denied things that had happened and I felt like I was completely crazy, as if I'd hallucinated the whole thing. It took me months and months to even begin to comprehend how terrible the situation had become, how much of a toll it took on me.

When I left she completely fell apart. Legal problems, the whole nine yards. No one should be the glue to hold another person together. We are all worth more than that.

[freedom33]

Inspiring words Artisan. I wish you well in your journey. You will fare well. The seeds of dawn are in those words.

[Loveofhislife]

Dear Artisan--thank you for taking the time to share with us here. Your words are incredibly heart felt, inspiring, and challenging at the same time--they are a path--they are your path--but a light unto ours. After all, as Blim writes, isn't this all about light and darkness? I read yesterday how a BPD s/o literally told his gf how beautifully he was mirroring her and taking in her "light." Blim, Artisan, et. al.; I'm so sorry for all our pain, but it is what got us on this path to life and enlightenment. Thank you and God bless you for this encouragement on a very dark day.

[Joseph54]

Artisan,

Thanks for sharing it helps me to see that I must continue on being separate from my spouse in order to heal.

Joe

[TiredAndBroken76]

Thank you for sharing your story.  So much of what you said rings true to me.

"And it's a sad day when love demands walking away. Leaving, out of love, is contrary to my beliefs and nature."

Your quote is exactly how I feel, yet I have been unable to put my thoughts into the right words. 

[topknot]

Very beautifully expressed,  Artisan... .I relate to your words in many ways 

[Artisan]

Thanks all! It was my hope to inspire and bring some light to those of us who are still in the shadow and in pain.

This morning, these thoughts came to me :

Discipline is not forced, it's accepted, it is a choice. Discipline remains in the domain of love, not force. Discipline yields what does not work in favor of what does, it is the skeletal structure that gives strength to yielding unwanted patterns. Discipline gives strength to those who live and love free will and authenticity. Discipline grants gently powerful boundaries, creates a container for life to unfold into an empowered, visionary expression. Gratitude for those who have shown me authentic, rather than military-religious, discipline. Those individuals have demonstrated a method for walking the path which endures, sustaining the heart, soul and development of love.

What it means is that discipline makes a choice to be healthy, whole, and heartful.

And in our case when healing from these confusing actions, discipline means not crossing back into the territory which we KNOW is hurtful, unhealthy and destructive.

Discipline means love.

[Blimblam]

Artisan

Your writing is always so poetic. I wish I had the kind of disaplime you do.

[Artisan]

You have your own form of poetry, expression and wisdom. Please continue sharing, it benefits us all.

[Lucky Jim]

Honestly, I have no clue who I am.

Hey Artisan,

Part of the healing process, in my view, is reconnecting with your authentic self.  Being in a BPD r/s is often extremely isolating, as well as demanding, which leads to a disconnection from the people and activities that bring us joy.  You are now in a position to change that dynamic, by listening to that inner voice that may have been squelched, but not eliminated, by a BPD r/s.  It's akin to the pilot light that remains on, even when the stove is shut off.  Your task, I suggest, is to rekindle the spark that represents your deepest self.

Hope I'm not sounding too new age-y here, but I highly recommend listening to your gut feelings.  I got into trouble by ignoring mine for many years, but now am back on my path.

Lucky Jim

[Artisan]

Thanks Jim, its not hokey new agey advice. Its just solid, and is exactly what I've been doing through a variety of avenues. It works.

[JRav59]

Thank you so much for this post Artisan! It is very inspiring. I understand you are still trying to get there, but you are doing so well! Your words were great reminders.

I left my BPD partner. I felt so exhausted and sucked dry. Every ounce of me had just been torn up. Something happened though. The sliver left in me of myself gave a big one two punch. I hit a wall. I no longer was willing to be a punching bag.  It was the hardest thing I ever did. I am so grateful it was there and when I have bad days I remember that little sliver. She saved my life. It gets stronger every day and the fog is lifting the more I listen to it. We'll all get there. We just need to remember that we are not what they made us believe. That we will never go back there again. That we have a very good chance at having a happy life in the end. Much happier than our exes.

   

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, JRav59.  What you refer to as your little sliver, I call my pilot light, which remained on even though the stove was off.  Thanks goodness for that pilot light, and your sliver!  LJ

[Harlygirl]

Thank you Artisan... .you have inspired hope on a day when... .I felt there was none.