Having a hard time with NC today

[gentlestguardian]

I've been NC with BPDm for about two and half months now. About 99.9% of the time, I feel this is absolutely necessary. I've experienced so much personal growth and peace in just this short amount of time. I'm finally able to think clearly, work on my self-esteem, work on discovering who I am and what I want. Many of my physical ailments have disappeared, and in general the anxiety that hovers around me is gone. NC has been a serious relief.

But today I am struggling with it. I am struggling because I saw a comment BPDm posted on a mutual friend's FB page. It was a positive comment; one that BPDm is capable of making when she's at her best. Before I could even make conscious sense of it, that one comment ignited the flicker of hope that the little girl inside of me who wants her mother can't ever seem to let go of.

That little girl misses her mother and it makes me so sad.

I keep telling myself that this is how I've gotten sucked into her abuse my entire life. I feel a flicker of compassion toward her - a flicker of missing her - and all the steps toward my own self worth that I've taken go out the window.

I know that under no circumstances will I allow myself to break NC with her at this time. Thankfully I have that self-control now. I know it will not be good for me.

But it's so hard depriving the little girl inside of me of her mother. She still hasn't accepted that her BPDm is not good for her, even though my grown up self has.

I guess I just want to say, NC is hard.

[Lise]

 

I'm so sorry for your struggle gentlestguardian.

It's hard to time and again put out that little hope that maybe, just maybe my mum could be as I'd always longed for her to be.

My BPDmum's never been the kind, stable, loving mum I've always wished she would be capable of becoming. But even so, every now and then a small memory emerges of her actually doing something nice. And it is so painful to have the memory and knowing it's just a speck of gentleness on a mountain of ... .well, the opposite. And also knowing and feeling the hopes flashing up, just to fade away again, because she'll never change. It's like a kick to the stomach every single time.

I applause you for your insight into how this pulls at you, and for your courage to do what you know best for you, even though you long for something else.

Perhaps you could leave the little girl some room and some voice to grieve the mother, she deserved but never had?

[Harri]

Hi Gentlestg, gosh, it hurts so much doesn't it? 

All I could think of is to suggest you take over the role of mother for little GG, but I have never really been sure of how to do that myself.  Then I read Lise's comment:

Perhaps you could leave the little girl some room and some voice to grieve the mother, she deserved but never had?

and there is an answer there.  Have you let Little GG talk, write a story, or maybe draw a picture for you (have you bought your crayons yet?   )  I went played on swings yesterday!  LOL

I know it is not the same as having a mother who is capable of doing that, but maybe it can be sufficient?   

[gentlestguardian]

All I could think of is to suggest you take over the role of mother for little GG, but I have never really been sure of how to do that myself.  Then I read Lise's comment:

Perhaps you could leave the little girl some room and some voice to grieve the mother, she deserved but never had?

and there is an answer there.  Have you let Little GG talk, write a story, or maybe draw a picture for you (have you bought your crayons yet?   )  I went played on swings yesterday!  LOL

Lise's is a really great suggestion (thanks, Lise!) and I thought about it for a serious portion of my day yesterday. I even googled the stages of grief and looked up child grieving in particular.

What I discovered is that I cannot seem to access the little girl's grief yet. The little girl is in too much denial still. So I think all I can do is give her some time and let it sink in. I did read that children grieve in episodes rather than all at once. They process a little bit of the grief, then go play because it's too intense, then come back to the grief when they're ready, etc.  So maybe I'm doing all I can. I actually did get some colored pencils and markers a few weeks ago, and I have been letting the little girl in me color and play quite a bit. In that regard, she feels a lot better. I even let her write a story (kind of a trip  ).

Anyway, thank you guys for the support! It means a lot.

[funfunctional]

Hi Gentle,

We all have those weak moments.  You may even be having your heart strings pulled at intentionally... .I can tell you often manipulative people will post knowing that you will see it.

I am in the same stage as you.    NC since the end of July and prior to that my contact was very limited.     I am peaceful.  However, there is that part of me that misses having my sister but the "fantasy sister".  Not the real one.     

Hold steady... .and give yourself more time to gain your own personal strength.    Enjoy the calm time.  This separation is allowing you to grow and establish boundaries.

[pink_heart44]

I feel like I could have written this post myself. If NC is what makes you happy then by all means stick with it.

I know it's hard because you so badly want a mom that can be a mom. It's even harder when you're trying to explain things to your friends who don't really understand your unique situation.

It took me a long time to come to the conclusion that my mom was never going to be the kind of mother that I want her to be. Once I was able to embrace that realization it became easier to heal.

Don't focus on what you missed out on. Focus on all the growth you've made since going no contact. Stay focused on you and your support system.

People like our mother's will not change unless they genuinely see a problem they want to fix. Which is highly unlikely.

Keep your head above the water. Don't let her drag you down.