Engagement/ marriage

[Depression = 72% of members]

For those that married their exBPD, how great was your idealization phase and did they push for marriage early in your dating? I never married my exBPDgf but was pressured (5 months) early on. My gut instinct thought she was more interested in the title of being a Mrs. rather than developing a healthy relationship with me. She constantly nagged about it and promised me eternal bliss if I just put a ring on her finger. Part of me is angry with myself for NOT DELIVERING ON TIME as she called the police on me when I finally came through for her and asked her to marry me. She had apparently split me black and started seeing my ex best friend.   I never spoke to her again. I am constantly haunted with feelings of guilt for waiting too long and letting her get away. I want peace of mind that I am better off for not marrying her but I cant seem to get there. I blame myself for getting painted black and I cant seem to recover from it.     

[swimjim]

For those that married their exBPD, how great was your idealization phase and did they push for marriage early in your dating? I never married my exBPDgf but was pressured (5 months) early on. My gut instinct thought she was more interested in the title of being a Mrs. rather than developing a healthy relationship with me. She constantly nagged about it and promised me eternal bliss if I just put a ring on her finger. Part of me is angry with myself for NOT DELIVERING ON TIME as she called the police on me when I finally came through for her and asked her to marry me. She had apparently split me black and started seeing my ex best friend.   I never spoke to her again. I am constantly haunted with feelings of guilt for waiting too long and letting her get away. I want peace of mind that I am better off for not marrying her but I cant seem to get there. I blame myself for getting painted black and I cant seem to recover from it.     

[Pingo]

The idealization phase for me was about 6 mths but then after an almost split 3 yrs into the r/s we had another idealization phase and it was actually me who broached the subject of marriage.  I think my ex is maybe not typical as other BPDs (and maybe he isn't one, he hasn't been diagnosed to my knowledge) but he is a paranoid type and I think that kept him from pushing for marriage.  We eloped shortly after and the first two months were wonderful.  Then the disorder reared it's ugly head again only this time much worse.  And I think I coped much worse b/c I had honestly convinced myself that the worst was over (talk about denial!).  4 days shy of our 1st wedding anniversary I asked him to leave.  Marrying him is one of my life regrets and the hardest thing to wrap my head around.  I keep asking myself 'why?'.  Why did I marry him?  From my experience you dodged a bullet, it would have only got much worse.

[swimjim]

Thank you pingo for your reply. I cant imagine having someone love you so much they want to desperately marry you and then hate you so much they want to get you in trouble with the police. It is mind boggling.