Undiagnosed PDs and birthdays.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys!

My xSO is uPAPD (passive-aggressive PD). It was removed from DSM, but still tough to deal with.

The thing is, we are still in touch. As friends. Big mistake, I know.

My birthday is next Monday and yesterday he picked for a fight. I didnt control myself and we both ended up upset. Or me, at least, cause later I was thinking how common this is: right before my birthday he has to create some havoc.

What is this? Some excuse to punish me? He loves giving people the silent treatment and I even mentioned this to him yestrday. Actually, I dont care if he contacts me ever again or not. I dont contact him in any way for maybe 2 years now (we live in different countries). But he keeps phoning, Im assuming he´s getting his N supply from me. The r/s is basically on his terms, as always was. Now I realize some topics cant be talked about or else, I get punished. I walk on eggshells and I didnt even realize it. I detached over the years, but still got triggered by something he said yesterday.

My uBPD relative used my birthday as punishment too, she ignored it while I kept wishing her happy birthday... .At some point I just stopped and went NC. So my question is: do they use a birthday to hurt? Or is it something else Im not aware?

Thank u!

[Louise7777]

Hi guys!

My xSO is uPAPD (passive-aggressive PD). It was removed from DSM, but still tough to deal with.

The thing is, we are still in touch. As friends. Big mistake, I know.

My birthday is next Monday and yesterday he picked for a fight. I didnt control myself and we both ended up upset. Or me, at least, cause later I was thinking how common this is: right before my birthday he has to create some havoc.

What is this? Some excuse to punish me? He loves giving people the silent treatment and I even mentioned this to him yestrday. Actually, I dont care if he contacts me ever again or not. I dont contact him in any way for maybe 2 years now (we live in different countries). But he keeps phoning, Im assuming he´s getting his N supply from me. The r/s is basically on his terms, as always was. Now I realize some topics cant be talked about or else, I get punished. I walk on eggshells and I didnt even realize it. I detached over the years, but still got triggered by something he said yesterday.

My uBPD relative used my birthday as punishment too, she ignored it while I kept wishing her happy birthday... .At some point I just stopped and went NC. So my question is: do they use a birthday to hurt? Or is it something else Im not aware?

Thank u!

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear that your uPAPDx is trying to stir things up before your birthday. I'm not sure about the birthday thing. You say that he has narcissism. My ex is uBPD / NPD as Queen has narcissistic traits. From my experience she loved the attention on her birthdays and it had to be a grand thing. When it came to mine, it was drama usually starting a couple of weeks before. I personally think that it's because it's a day that the attention isn't on her. I hope that helps.

[Louise7777]

Thank you, Mutt. My uBPD relative even "steals" birthdays, she has to be the center of attention. The other uBPD isnt like that, she´s not histrionic. What you said makes a lot of sense. In my family Im invisible, no one cares about me, my feelings or opinions. Actually, they dont even know me. Im sure you can understand that.

Yep, my xSO has N traits and I see him as a control-freak. Very subtle, but he plays mind games. I connect the birthday thing more as a punishment, when it comes to him. As if he will be justified for not giving me a gift cause of a fight. In fact he never sent me any (neither did I), but he knows I care a lot about my birthday so maybe Im paranoid regarding punishment.

[Mutt]

You're welcome Louise777   Stealing birthdays is a good way of putting it. My birthdays weren't fun anymore and I used to worry about the guilt my SO would make me feel starting 2 weeks before my birthday. There was also guilt that she would make feel on when her birthday was coming up.

"You're selfish about your birthday Mutt, you care more about yours than mine" Maybe she was projecting? Looking back now, it was fog.

If it's punishment, it's PA as you say. Listen to your intuition, I don't think you're being paranoid.

I understand about feeling invisible I have a family member like that. A narcissistic parent - my dad. He doesn't notice me. I'm sorry to hear that Louise7777.

[Louise7777]

Oh boy, worrying in advance, I forgot about that! My uBPD relative would make speeches at anybody´s birthday, would criticize the food, etc. Always creating turmoil and making people unconfortable. Later in life I learnt it has noting to do with me, so I wasnt embarrassed anymore.

Im sorry your dad dosnt notice you. For me it was very painful while I was a child, although now I can understand why.

Birthdays are supposed to be a celebration and our uPDs destroyed all the fun. And more, made us angry, resentful and uneasy. Thats sad. Ill buy myself a gift and focus on me and on people who care about me.

(My intuition tells me Im being punished, the timing is just weird and has happened before).