Has anyone else felt this way?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I left my BPD partner about 5 months ago. It's been a wave of emotions and self reflections.  I have blocked her from everything (social media, email, etc).  She is currently overseas for a job.  She would have to try really hard to get to me. I don't think I have quite come to grips with the fact that this person is out of my life. I reflect back on that time and I get really sad. I feel really crappy. I feel really angry. It's not about her. I have realized so much. Too much to ever go back to a scenario like that one.

It feels great break down walls and coming to realizations, but I know if I see her or even entertain the notion of talking to her, I feel sick. I find myself tied up in knots. I can't eat, I can't sleep, etc. She is still very much with me. Like she got into the core of my being and is just staying around to torment me. I know this is a process, etc. Has anyone else gone through this and come out the other side? All I want is to be free from this person in every way. I meditate, go to therapy and spiritual healers. She does not deserve my head space but she messed with it so much. Its hard to not care.

I appreciate any proactive responses. Thanks!

[JRav59]

I left my BPD partner about 5 months ago. It's been a wave of emotions and self reflections.  I have blocked her from everything (social media, email, etc).  She is currently overseas for a job.  She would have to try really hard to get to me. I don't think I have quite come to grips with the fact that this person is out of my life. I reflect back on that time and I get really sad. I feel really crappy. I feel really angry. It's not about her. I have realized so much. Too much to ever go back to a scenario like that one.

It feels great break down walls and coming to realizations, but I know if I see her or even entertain the notion of talking to her, I feel sick. I find myself tied up in knots. I can't eat, I can't sleep, etc. She is still very much with me. Like she got into the core of my being and is just staying around to torment me. I know this is a process, etc. Has anyone else gone through this and come out the other side? All I want is to be free from this person in every way. I meditate, go to therapy and spiritual healers. She does not deserve my head space but she messed with it so much. Its hard to not care.

I appreciate any proactive responses. Thanks!

[Pou]

My first long term girl friend doesn't have PD.  Probably more like bi-polar and depressive as she self described on her website.  She kept cheating on me and we kept breaking up.   So finally, on the third time, I just put up an emotional wall.  I would be able to talk to her, but avoid when I could and when I didn't get to talk to her I act nice but do not invite her back in my life any sort of way.  Eventually, she went away, it took years and she even contacted my family at that time trying to get back… I think we went out for so long we were just all comfortable.  Anyway, I coped with it by getting myself out there, meeting new people and literally just put myself out there.  Otherwise, you will be too busy thinking about the past.  good luck to you.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JRav59,

I'm so sorry that you still feel tied up in knots about your breakup. I can very much relate, and your feelings are so understandable and normal—grieving is very hard.    Make no mistake, the loss of someone you love, by death or separation is a huge stressor; add the emotional roller coaster and trauma-bonding that many of us go through and it's understandable that many of us have felt in shambles.

But it does get better, it really does. Five months is not that long considering the impact the relationship had on you. Give yourself as much time as you need to feel the anger and sadness and all the other waves that will swell up inside. That's what recovery looks like, and you are taking great steps toward that with everything that you are doing. I felt like the walking dead for awhile after my breakup—there was nothing I could do about it and I didn't try to change my feelings. I thought the sadness would never leave. But my feelings eventually transformed and the heaviness lifted. Therapy, yoga, this site, and NC really helped me. Each of us has our own path, but knowing that we share similar experiences is a great help.

I am a different person today. I can think of pwBPD without pain or heartache. I truly wish him well, even though we may never speak again. It's okay to care, that's what caring humans do. You can care from a distance—but most importantly, turn that lovingkindness toward yourself. Hang in there and try not to judge the process. Trust that you will come out wiser and stronger on the other side, and you will.

heartandwhole

[JRav59]

Thank you heartandwhole! It sucks when you find yourself having such positive moments and then having such negative thoughts not even an hour later. The hills and valleys are becoming less dramatic and exhausting, but boy... .I have a way to go.

I think the cool thing about the healing process is how much more aware you become about the things around you. Things make a lot more sense. Just trying to take that with every day!