Ran into ex

[JB8888]

I split with my ex uBPDgf almost 5 months ago after 5 years on a rollercoaster. I was the love of her life etc... same story we've all been through. She of course found a replacement within a couple of weeks of the split - a very wealthy guy twice her age (she is 30) who luckily resembles Shrek.

I've maintained NC for much of our split - other than for logistics/returning belongings etc. She continues to email/nudge me every 10 days or so. I have also never run into her until a couple days ago.

On friday I met a friend for a drink and saw my ex sitting outside. We locked eyes as I approached and she looked away as I passed. I decided to say a simple hello as I passed - I didn't feel the need to ignore her and found it weird she would attempt to ignore me when she emails me for favours so often. She shrugged me off and squeezed our a purse-lipped "hello". I kept walking. The vibe in the bar wasn't so great - and to be honest I could barely see straight having just seen her and the slight shakes so my mate and I immediately opted to go to a more vibrant bar in town.

After about 3 hours my ex shows up at the new bar we were in to meet her friends. I was chatting to my mate outside and she stopped in front of me. I looked up, locked eyes with her, smiled and said hello again.  She was now visibly drunk, she gave me a defeated, sad face and said hi again. So her initial aloofness had passed... .love those fleeting emotions of hers. A few minutes later I ran into her in the loo and she said "Are you not going to give me a hug at least?" I said "Ok, this is just quite weird but it is nice to see you".

By this time I felt okay about it all and was more comfortable as she had lost her hostility. She asked if I would step outside for a cigarette and I obliged. I kept the conversation about the usual "checking in stuff" and kept it polite and simple. The movie I had in my head about her new life was completely wrong... .she had the same complaints about things. Nothing had really changed. Same lack of satisfaction it seemed. Even though we were talking about work etc, I could see she was verging on crying a couple of times in the middle of her sentences but I kept her on track with generic conversation. I didn't want her to lay on the tears they melt my armour. Mind you, I have learned a lot about BPD from these boards and I was conscious to remain completely aware of her... .almost removed.

As soon as I could politely do so I told her I had to go back to my friends and hope she enjoyed her night. Within minutes she came over to our table, took a seat and began talking to a mutual friend. She then asked if she could carry on the night with me and my friends while her friends went on to a club. I made a face, and said no. She immediately said "wow, you're such an ass" and left with her friends.

I felt fine about it all at first because I meant it. In my head, a) I didn't think it was appropriate for her to ditch her friends to hang out with me and my mates b) we're not friends yet, she's my ex and I'm not in a place where I felt ready to socialise with her and c) I didn't want to give her more air time (or drinks) as I know her and she always manages to swerve our conversations toward the sentimental and d) simple boundary issues flew into my head.

But today, I feel bad. Yes, it was the first time I've ever said no to her, but I delivered my "no" in quite an arrogant manner... .I feel like a bit of a bully and she was visibly very vulnerable. I know I was just protecting myself but I didn't mean to be rude or embarrass her and I fear I did that and next time I see her we'll be back to hostile vibes. But then again, her emotions are so fleeting, who knows? She managed to go from aloof to soft/warm and then to anger in about 2 hours, so no doubt they'll change again. I know I shouldn't really care... .but naturally a part of me doesn't want drama or hostility the next time I run into her.

I also feel a tug on my empathy strings. I'm not sure why I've let this happen because I've heard she's already cheating on the replacement, doing drugs and drinking excessively. I certainly don't want to be in the replacements shoes or have someone self-destructing around me. I guess it's just hard seeing someone I have loved for so long be in such an unhealthy place. The energy she emits is like that Tasmanian Tiger cartoon spinning - which is a very typical pattern of hers when she's in pain or unhappy. For five years, I've been the only person in her life who puts my hand on her during the spin and says "it's okay - slow down" and shower her with stability and structure and love. This is the first time I've stepped away from her and realise I can't help her and I can't be recycled.

I contemplated apologising to her, but I can see that exchange getting ugly. I figured it's better to tell this board than engage with her. In fact, I'm sure she probably won't remember or even be thinking about this at all.

Interesting process all this. Just not sure how to handle it if she brings it up or fires missiles. Or maybe she's not thinking about it at all. Here's to hoping this will pass asap.

[myself]

This is the first time I've stepped away from her and realise I can't help her and I can't be recycled.

You were just speaking your truth with her. If this is the first time you told her "No", you're probably still in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). This will pass the more you're not in contact with her. The more boundaries you have in place. It's your choice who you hang out with, not hers. Hard to be friends with an ex when there's been so much water underneath the bridge. She needs to face that, too. Good luck. Believe in the path you're walking now.

[Waifed]

JB

You are correct, you can't help her. Also, you are likely to get torched with some type of abuse if you contact her and you will also look weak in her eyes by apologizing. Keep the control and move forward with NC. It is the only way to detach and move forward with YOUR life.

[JB8888]

Thank you both - You're right. I was speaking my truth and am entitled to do so (she certainly has said much worse in the past). And yes, this is FOG. For the love of myself, I had no choice but to say no to her and thank god after three beers I managed to stay hyper-aware of her. I went for a "MOT" with my therapist after this last breakup and realise I need to work on building my armour up when it comes to her and not feel bad when setting boundaries or when I have to push her back for my own emotional health. Put it into practice last night - but I do struggle with having to be harsh. But man, she has no problems being harsh which is why I think it's best to steer clear of an apology. Thinking about it, if I had really upset her I would have heard about it by now. She has no qualms about firing missiles.

I don't intend to be friends with her as in real friends, but she has been actively trying to inch her way into my social circle since we split. I'm almost 9 years older than her so her sudden interest in my friends (after slagging them off for 5 years out) seems a bit odd and/or slightly devious. God forbid if I hung out with her friends. So far, my friends are not particularly interested in her as she is with them but I may have to share social situations with her on occasion. I'd like to just be civil, keep her at arms length and it not be an issue and me be effected. I'll get there and keep an eye on myself.

Thank you again for your thoughts and reassurance.