Still so confused :/

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I know ive probably asked this question before, but its the only thing i cant find on the internet, and i cant get my head around it, i really need an in depth answer so i can copy and paste it, so i can constantly remind my self.

Why do BPDs block and cut you out of their life? I know its control, and i know it could be because they have their replacment, but what exactly fuels that fire in order for them to make that decision? Is it the projection of guilt, shame, and they cant deal with the pain we caused them? I cant get my head around it, she said Gmail was now the only way to contact her (which i havent done) by blocking does it show we were special to them, she was telling me she missed me the day before she blocked me, please help me to understand a BPDs phycology behind blocking.

Thank you everyone x

[jammo1989]

I know ive probably asked this question before, but its the only thing i cant find on the internet, and i cant get my head around it, i really need an in depth answer so i can copy and paste it, so i can constantly remind my self.

Why do BPDs block and cut you out of their life? I know its control, and i know it could be because they have their replacment, but what exactly fuels that fire in order for them to make that decision? Is it the projection of guilt, shame, and they cant deal with the pain we caused them? I cant get my head around it, she said Gmail was now the only way to contact her (which i havent done) by blocking does it show we were special to them, she was telling me she missed me the day before she blocked me, please help me to understand a BPDs phycology behind blocking.

Thank you everyone x

[fromheeltoheal]

It's best to think of yourself as an attachment.  BPD is about need fulfillment, the need to feel good, by using another person, it's not about love.  When a borderline attaches to someone they feel whole, complete themselves, become a 'self' that they don't have on their own.  And once the attachment is formed, the terror of abandonment shows up, although if you get too close a borderline will feel engulfed, lose themselves, so they will push you away, only to feel abandoned, and pull you back, in a perpetual dance.  And there's a lot of shame in there, which can be projected on you as a defense mechanism, you may distance yourself because of it, they will sense they're about to be abandoned, and on and on... .

So bottom line relationships are not sustainable, and the emotions become too strong for a borderline to handle, so you become triggering instead of soothing, like in the beginning.  We play our role, of course, but all of the above has nothing to do with you, in that it could have been anyone, any attachment.  So if a borderline thinks she's going to be abandoned, that continual fear, she will look for another attachment, or already had a few, use black and white thinking to make you all bad, and project everything she doesn't like about herself on you, a coping mechanism.  So you become the scum of the earth, which again has nothing to do with you.

All of that sounds cold and mean, but remember BPD is a mental illness and she's doing the best she can with it.  Plus, borderlines do not have the ability to connect with how you're feeling, and are so tied up in their own pain they don't have time anyway.  The control you mention is motivated by that fear of abandonment, exercised so you won't leave, which always backfires because we leave anyway, or they sense we're about to, based on their own perceptions, so they leave first.  And by then the emotions are just too strong, so removing you from her life just feels better.  Of course at some point, when a new attachment goes south, which it will, she may turn to you as if nothing happened, to see if an attachment is still in place and can be used for soothing.

Standard borderline, apply as needed, and take care of you!

[bunnysc]

It's best to think of yourself as an attachment.  BPD is about need fulfillment, the need to feel good, by using another person, it's not about love.  When a borderline attaches to someone they feel whole, complete themselves, become a 'self' that they don't have on their own.  And once the attachment is formed, the terror of abandonment shows up, although if you get too close a borderline will feel engulfed, lose themselves, so they will push you away, only to feel abandoned, and pull you back, in a perpetual dance.  And there's a lot of shame in there, which can be projected on you as a defense mechanism, you may distance yourself because of it, they will sense they're about to be abandoned, and on and on... .

So bottom line relationships are not sustainable, and the emotions become too strong for a borderline to handle, so you become triggering instead of soothing, like in the beginning.  We play our role, of course, but all of the above has nothing to do with you, in that it could have been anyone, any attachment.  So if a borderline thinks she's going to be abandoned, that continual fear, she will look for another attachment, or already had a few, use black and white thinking to make you all bad, and project everything she doesn't like about herself on you, a coping mechanism.  So you become the scum of the earth, which again has nothing to do with you.

All of that sounds cold and mean, but remember BPD is a mental illness and she's doing the best she can with it.  Plus, borderlines do not have the ability to connect with how you're feeling, and are so tied up in their own pain they don't have time anyway.  The control you mention is motivated by that fear of abandonment, exercised so you won't leave, which always backfires because we leave anyway, or they sense we're about to, based on their own perceptions, so they leave first.  And by then the emotions are just too strong, so removing you from her life just feels better.  Of course at some point, when a new attachment goes south, which it will, she may turn to you as if nothing happened, to see if an attachment is still in place and can be used for soothing.

Standard borderline, apply as needed, and take care of you!

Man that^^ really brings tears to my eyes  even if sounds so gay I know. I just feel sorry for my Ex she has to deal with all that, but on the other side they do harm us by acting that way. Its just SO SAD. I've been feeling so low these days no idea why. I just feel like you Jammo  lost in a never ending cycle  ... .

I don't even care now about her replacements or whatever, I just want her to have a nice life. I miss her and will always miss being with her but I can't do anything about it. Its just like dealing with a person that doesn't exists  :'(

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It's best to think of yourself as an attachment.  BPD is about need fulfillment, the need to feel good, by using another person, it's not about love.  When a borderline attaches to someone they feel whole, complete themselves, become a 'self' that they don't have on their own.  And once the attachment is formed, the terror of abandonment shows up, although if you get too close a borderline will feel engulfed, lose themselves, so they will push you away, only to feel abandoned, and pull you back, in a perpetual dance.  And there's a lot of shame in there, which can be projected on you as a defense mechanism, you may distance yourself because of it, they will sense they're about to be abandoned, and on and on... .

So bottom line relationships are not sustainable, and the emotions become too strong for a borderline to handle, so you become triggering instead of soothing, like in the beginning.  We play our role, of course, but all of the above has nothing to do with you, in that it could have been anyone, any attachment.  So if a borderline thinks she's going to be abandoned, that continual fear, she will look for another attachment, or already had a few, use black and white thinking to make you all bad, and project everything she doesn't like about herself on you, a coping mechanism.  So you become the scum of the earth, which again has nothing to do with you.

All of that sounds cold and mean, but remember BPD is a mental illness and she's doing the best she can with it.  Plus, borderlines do not have the ability to connect with how you're feeling, and are so tied up in their own pain they don't have time anyway.  The control you mention is motivated by that fear of abandonment, exercised so you won't leave, which always backfires because we leave anyway, or they sense we're about to, based on their own perceptions, so they leave first.  And by then the emotions are just too strong, so removing you from her life just feels better.  Of course at some point, when a new attachment goes south, which it will, she may turn to you as if nothing happened, to see if an attachment is still in place and can be used for soothing.

Standard borderline, apply as needed, and take care of you!

I think several books on the subject have been correctly condensed into these three paragraphs. Thank you for this.  Yes I felt like an attachment.  I felt like an object.  Sometimes I felt invisible - especially on outings with her and her children.  A bit like a butler needs to be visible only when  required to perform a chore.  Red flags were noticed right from the start.  I have no idea why I put up with it for as long as I did.  I felt strong and ready for love before we met. Several months after we met I was suffering but couldn't escape.  Addicted.

[Duped11years]

In my lowest moments, I refer to this and read through it entirely, it grounds me & helps erase that idealized perfect woman I miss & replace her with the cold realization she is not well, & I am just another victim of the same game played with the same playbook.  I shake my head at how spot-on it is with what Ive lived through... .good luck, hope it helps you too.

www.narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

[Inside]

Jammo1989,

… I’m not that good with the clinical terms, and sometimes find such descriptions a bit too complex…  My take is: they are running scared through life, latching onto anything they find desirable or useful.  Then they use it, until it’s gone or no longer desirable.  While they’re using someone or something, they’re constantly looking for a replacement for when it breaks or becomes empty.

They eventually view their pattern of behavior as abnormal and become ashamed of the way they treat the world.  Though angry at themselves, they’ll lash out at others as a distraction.  They’ll abuse, even ‘cut’ themselves, with the combined effect of seeking attention and self punishment.  Occasionally, they’ll commit suicide.  Often, they’ll commit social suicide.

We were used, viewed as their savior, until it became evident ‘yet another’ couldn’t save them, then using us as someone allowing them to continue through life.  Where they once matched (though fake) our desires, even morals, after exposing themselves as hypocritical and parasitical, with a deep fear of being found out – they bolt.  If we hang on – they flail to break free; in that state, they’re dangerous.

Just as with their often caring parents, they cannot accept loving help.  Their cover is blown, and we are now a danger as we are capable of pointing them out, or simply holding them to their commitments…  So they run, burning bridges and pretending to be ‘normal’ to anyone they meet.  And often times they’ve already scouted and plotted their escape, thus run to the arms of another.  Gilt ridden, yet again – they want nothing to do with ‘us’ … until their next situation dissolves and we appear as their only lifeline…   

I think to truly understand what BPD is like, you have to read or listen to a pw it.  They’ll tell you – in excruciating detail.  But since they don’t post around here …we’re left to clinical, even hypothetical speculations.  Yes, they may be ‘accurate,’ in a medical formant, but can they convey the depth of desperation that a pwBPD feels?  Not to me... .  And, we attempt to decipher our individual experiences, groping to match the behavior we witnessed … when it’s a much larger picture we should be looking at.  …perhaps a ‘clinical’ picture …which often appears either too abstract or distant to make (easy) sense of.  Or, perhaps we’re simply looking for 'sense,' when there is none

[jammo1989]

Thank Inside and Healtoheel, you guys are so knowledgeable, I really needed a complicated answer to my question, because ive done a hell of a lot research on BPD, but couldn't get my head about why and how they feel when cutting people out of their life.  Amazing, descriptive answers, really put a smile on my face, thank you so much guys, like I have mentioned before I LOVE this community!   

[Deeno02]

Well done. Good comments. I so totally was there. I was rarely around her friends and all those other things mentioned. At the end, not only was i being devalued, but my daughter,  who had moved back home to attend a closer college, was as well. Wow... .but i cant and wont feel sorry for her. I have to maintain incase she trys to recycle me, which im terrified of. Thanks guys... .

[Inside]

Funny, I often have to ignore the responses of others in order to keep my thoughts straight regarding a question.  So I did, then after posting, read Fromheeltoheal’s response – was blown away by it’s accuracy, copied & saved it to a file – and intend to refer to it (or refer others) as often as I can.  Wow ~ so after around two thousand posts… maybe I’ll get that good a handle on this stuff

…and rereading my post, I don’t know that I actually answered your question... ?  “Why do BPDs block and cut you out of their life?” …is that the ‘extinction burst’ I’ve read about... ? 

I think we become yet another living reminder of their disability … thus they can’t face either us or reality.  …it’s also as if they want to cripple us with pain, so we’re incapable of confronting or outing them.  It’s often so cold and cruel the way they leave us … only to find – they’ve never totally left us.  Seems they want to leave it unfinished as their way of keeping us hanging … so messed up – by the time they’ve worn out their next host – there we are! 

…you know, the addictive thing about this place to me is, short of a therapist (a good one), this is the only place I can share my experiences or insight with folks who understand it.  – But what a sad thing to have to understand

[Deeno02]

You are so right, Inside. Thats exactly how i felt. Incapable of fighting back. I would not engage in a fight with her. Her histrionics would make me bite my tongue or water down my response and end up taking ownership. How the hell do you know if they are done with you? Im terrified of the recycle

[Blimblam]

It's best to think of yourself as an attachment.  BPD is about need fulfillment, the need to feel good, by using another person, it's not about love.  When a borderline attaches to someone they feel whole, complete themselves, become a 'self' that they don't have on their own.  And once the attachment is formed, the terror of abandonment shows up, although if you get too close a borderline will feel engulfed, lose themselves, so they will push you away, only to feel abandoned, and pull you back, in a perpetual dance.  And there's a lot of shame in there, which can be projected on you as a defense mechanism, you may distance yourself because of it, they will sense they're about to be abandoned, and on and on... .

So bottom line relationships are not sustainable, and the emotions become too strong for a borderline to handle, so you become triggering instead of soothing, like in the beginning.  We play our role, of course, but all of the above has nothing to do with you, in that it could have been anyone, any attachment.  So if a borderline thinks she's going to be abandoned, that continual fear, she will look for another attachment, or already had a few, use black and white thinking to make you all bad, and project everything she doesn't like about herself on you, a coping mechanism.  So you become the scum of the earth, which again has nothing to do with you.

All of that sounds cold and mean, but remember BPD is a mental illness and she's doing the best she can with it.  Plus, borderlines do not have the ability to connect with how you're feeling, and are so tied up in their own pain they don't have time anyway.  The control you mention is motivated by that fear of abandonment, exercised so you won't leave, which always backfires because we leave anyway, or they sense we're about to, based on their own perceptions, so they leave first.  And by then the emotions are just too strong, so removing you from her life just feels better.  Of course at some point, when a new attachment goes south, which it will, she may turn to you as if nothing happened, to see if an attachment is still in place and can be used for soothing.

Standard borderline, apply as needed, and take care of you!

Wow great insight here thanks for sharing

[fromheeltoheal]

Funny, I often have to ignore the responses of others in order to keep my thoughts straight regarding a question.  So I did, then after posting, read Fromheeltoheal’s response – was blown away by it’s accuracy, copied & saved it to a file – and intend to refer to it (or refer others) as often as I can.  Wow ~ so after around two thousand posts… maybe I’ll get that good a handle on this stuff

Thanks Inside, it's nice to be acknowledged for accuracy.  We often try to make sense of the senseless in these relationships, and the need to make sense doesn't end when the relationship does, we keep searching as we detach and heal.  The clinical side can really help make sense, it did for me; there are psychological professionals who really have figured out BPD, how it is caused and how a sufferer thinks, what their model of the world looks like, and learning that can really help untangle things in our search for that sense.  And then once the emotional energy is gone and we've healed a bit, we can look at it more objectively, where it can become fascinating, how the mind of a borderline works, and how minds in general do.  A book I loved and found compelling is The Search for the Real Self by Masterson, which explains how a real self develops in children, and what happens when that development is impaired.  Riveting stuff if you're interested, and it also goes a long way into explaining the behavior of our exes, which you're right, all the clinical stuff in the world can't substitute for having lived it like we did, but it sure can explain it.  Take care of you!

[Inside]

How the hell do you know if they are done with you? Im terrified of the recycle

…I don’t think they’re ever really ‘done’ with us   It’s like if they see us doing well, having recovered from their abuse, then why not attempt a recycle … by then they’ve likely wore down our replacement/s…  I think we’re always on their radar, especially if we were good providers.  

Mine’s a stalker, having described keeping tabs on me as well as the guys before me.  

Recycles are weird, and all slightly different, at least the way you’re eventually dumped.  It’s actually hard for me to recall how it was that I was dumped, cuz with 7 recycles – she’d used everything!  From a text telling me to “F… Off!”  - to slow dancing in my living room ... then emailing me the next day that, “It’s over, we tried.”  …to, as I read around here today, ‘going Ghost’ – just vanishing with NC…  

They end it, mine had each time, but it was finally and lastly ‘me’ who ... abandoned her, and have kept it that way.  Time is healing, I’m nearly 11 months out … but as my daughter commented yesterday, “You’re keeping track?” “Yuck!”  …yah, I’m counting, and feeling less connected to my xBP every day, but most importantly - strong enough to avoid the temptation of going through any part of that again.  I think that’s the key…  It’s up to you – cuz they’ll use you to your grave if allowed to   

[Blimblam]

Jammo

Have you taken the Meyers Briggs test?

If so what is your personality type?

The Meyers Briggs is a standardized divination system.

Once you know your personality type and do research on it you can gain insight on how to process this based on how your personality type processes things.

[Inside]

Thanks Inside, it's nice to be acknowledged for accuracy.  ... .The clinical side can really help make sense, it did for me; there are psychological professionals who really have figured out BPD, how it is caused and how a sufferer thinks, what their model of the world looks like, and learning that can really help untangle things in our search for that sense.  … A book I loved and found compelling is The Search for the Real Self by Masterson, which explains how a real self develops in children, and what happens when that development is impaired.  Riveting stuff if you're interested, and it also goes a long way into explaining the behavior of our exes, which you're right, all the clinical stuff in the world can't substitute for having lived it like we did, but it sure can explain it.  Take care of you!

You’re welcome for the compliment FHTH.  I’m grateful for those of you having stuck around after figuring this stuff out in order to help others still struggling.  And, I didn’t mean to discard the clinical aspects … but feel I’ve not yet stepped back far enough to view it in a larger context …though I’m trying

I’ll search the book, I do find such insight riveting … perhaps a little something positive to take away from a BP experience

[fromheeltoheal]

I didn’t mean to discard the clinical aspects … but feel I’ve not yet stepped back far enough to view it in a larger context

The clinical side is what helped me step back, probably more than anything else.  I left her over 2 years ago by running away, because I felt like I was literally going insane and the world was upside down, and first I connected with other people here who experienced the exact same things, which made me feel not alone and a little less crazy, and then as I learned the guts of the disorder and it's origins the lights came on all the way and everything made sense.  So the clinical knowledge made it easy to let her go and start focusing on my stuff, which is an ongoing adventure and has become fun and enlightening.  Your mileage may vary, but based on results I do recommend it.