First court appearance - Followed this board's advice and made No Eye Contact - cathartic

[toomanytears]

I was very anxious about our first court appearance. Just being in the same room as my stbx BPDh was giving me the jitters. My solicitor knew this and made sure we sat well apart.

I made no eye contact whatsoever and although I could sense his presence (I don't know if he was looking daggers at me, but it felt like it) the fact that I did not acknowledge him in any way or allow our eyes to meet gave me more protection than I'd expected.

I've already had two threats of indictment (for various perceived wrong doings along the way) and fully expect another one after this court appearance about a financial irregularity they thought they had uncovered. Interestingly his lawyer made a big song and dance about it but I think that was merely to impress my stbx BPDh. In the end the judge took no notice.

I came away feeling very wrung out, slightly guilty (for what, I don't know) but as I processed the experience throughout the rest of the day I realised it had been quite cathartic. My stbx is a bully and the court experience went a little way in exposing him as such. And in my not engaging with him visually I had made a huge leap forward in my personal healing.

Thanks guys for all your advice and support so far - NC is the way in every way and for anyone about to go through something similar, warn you lawyer in advance and make sure they keep you well apart. And go out of your way to avoid eye contact.

[Tiepje3]

I am proud of you and I'm happy for you that you made it through this ordeal.

Just today I got the verdict about my hearing two weeks ago. I won! It is only a temporary settlement that will be applied during the divorce proceedings, but it states that I can stay in the house. He is not able to access it without my permission. He also has to pay alimony for the time being.

I can at least sort my stuff out, try to find a job (I'm a parttime student without an income right now), save some money, budget, get rid of subscriptions etc., buy a cheaper car. But I have some space, less financial worries and he cannot come into this house. We're safe!

[livednlearned]

toomanytears,

I'm glad you had a cathartic experience -- I did the same thing and was amazed how no eye contact could have such an effect. I didn't get flustered or trip up or get angry or anything that I thought would happen. I felt tense but not afraid.

Wrung out is a good way to describe the after effect. Even when I was awarded full custody, and again when the judge terminated N/BPDx's visitation, it was hard to feel relief or anything else because the experience was so deflating and like you say, wrung out. Usually my emotions don't fully sort out until a few hours later when I can process everything.

Do you have any more hearings after that?

[toomanytears]

toomanytears,

I'm glad you had a cathartic experience -- I did the same thing and was amazed how no eye contact could have such an effect. I didn't get flustered or trip up or get angry or anything that I thought would happen. I felt tense but not afraid.

Wrung out is a good way to describe the after effect. Even when I was awarded full custody, and again when the judge terminated N/BPDx's visitation, it was hard to feel relief or anything else because the experience was so deflating and like you say, wrung out. Usually my emotions don't fully sort out until a few hours later when I can process everything.

Do you have any more hearings after that?

Hi lnlearned! Yes in the new year there will be a more robust meeting with our lawyers arguing it out. Meantime my ex has a long list of financial questions to answer. Whether he will or not is anyone's guess. I'm not holding my breath. At least I have a breathing space before the next round of nonsense.