Do you radically accept verbal abuse?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have done a lot of work on radical acceptance.  And I understand that my dBPD husband is doing the best he can at any given moment, and that he always needs to strive to do better (as we all do).  But I find myself unable to radically accept that I will spend my married life with the constant threat or reality of verbal abuse. My husband has worked really hard in DBT treatment. Many areas of our lives have gotten much better. And yet... .the verbal abuse is always right there, ready to erupt. It's shorter and less intense now.  But it's still very much there.  He feels strongly that I need to accept this reality because it's such a core part of his mental illness; that no matter how hard he works, it will always be a part of how he communicates. I can set and reinforce limits all day, it's never going to get much better.

After 12 years I'm so tired of the abuse that I mostly don't care anymore that it's part of an illness.  I just need it to be out of my life, whatever that means.

For those of you who have been at this for a while... .have you come to accept verbal abuse? Have you made any strides in it going away?

[SusanBB]

I have done a lot of work on radical acceptance.  And I understand that my dBPD husband is doing the best he can at any given moment, and that he always needs to strive to do better (as we all do).  But I find myself unable to radically accept that I will spend my married life with the constant threat or reality of verbal abuse. My husband has worked really hard in DBT treatment. Many areas of our lives have gotten much better. And yet... .the verbal abuse is always right there, ready to erupt. It's shorter and less intense now.  But it's still very much there.  He feels strongly that I need to accept this reality because it's such a core part of his mental illness; that no matter how hard he works, it will always be a part of how he communicates. I can set and reinforce limits all day, it's never going to get much better.

After 12 years I'm so tired of the abuse that I mostly don't care anymore that it's part of an illness.  I just need it to be out of my life, whatever that means.

For those of you who have been at this for a while... .have you come to accept verbal abuse? Have you made any strides in it going away?

[123Phoebe]

Hi SusanBB, would you mind describing his verbal abuse?  :)oes he scream and yell, low-blows, sarcasm etc?

Accepting that it's happening is one thing, not putting up with it is another (boundary).  Walking away each and every time it occurs, or hanging up the phone each and every time it occurs sends a strong message that you respect yourself MORE than listening to words that bruise your heart.

We can't be abused if we're not there to be abused.

It works!  Just be careful to not pick up the stick and start abusing yourself by second-guessing your decision to walk away from it, each and every time it happens.  It WILL happen less and then eventually disappear

We have a lot more say in our relationships then we give ourselves credit for, sometimes without saying a word, but by acting on it.

[Bee Girl]

Hello,

I am in a very similar place. Improvements and acceptance, but even the less intense, less frequent incidences of verbal abuse cut to the core. I can get to radical acceptance in time, when I check into these boards and active my compassion. But it wounds and erodes. I understand part of what is difficult is living with the possibility of eruption at any moment.

I agree with 123Phoebe that the next step for you to utilize is giving yourself an exit plan for the incidences. There's great information in the "taking a time out" section. It is boundary work, but if you have a plan to leave or hang up or walk away when the abuse begins it gives you (at least I've found) the relative peace of mind to know that you don't have to put up with it in the moment, and it can help in many ways.

So, I have a room other than our bedroom that I sleep in when he's in a state, I've learned to walk away if it's minor, and I've even booked a room at a local hotel for a night just to feel like I have a place to go (I know that may not be a financial option, but it was enormously empowering and restorative.) If that is a possibility, check out a few reasonable local hotels on hotels.com and just keep them in mind. Keep a travel toothbrush in your purse. Be ready and secure in knowing you are not trapped in it, and just that knowledge can help. It is liberating. If you're lucky enough to have a friend or relative that you can crash with, talk to them about it. What I'm mostly saying is have that plan in place.

Having said all that, I am still struggling with that same sense of having tried all the options and facing that even with improvement it is always present. Walking away helps, but I'm not sure myself if what I am walking back into, even when the waters are calm, is what I am willing to radically accept.

[Bee Girl]

This should be the link to Tools: How to Take a Time Out:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

I'm not sure if this answers your question. I think the 123Phoebe and I are saying no, we don't radically accept verbal abuse in the moment, but do we radically accept it as an element of our relationships? That is starting to be no for me. But taking a time out is a radical acceptance, and it helps.

best

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

In my view, no one deserves to be abused, verbally or physically.  The idea that radical acceptance gives the pwBPD permission to continue his/her abusive behavior is anathema to me. I don't buy it.  To accept that one's partner has a personality disorder goes without saying if one plans to stay in a r/s with a pwBPD; yet I disagree that it's OK for the pwBPD to behave in abusive fashion.  I guess it all boils down to whether it's possible to have a r/s with a pwBPD without abuse, which is a question that each of us has to answer on his/her own.

Lucky Jim

[SusanBB]

Thanks for the responses everyone.  Through the process of writing this I realized that, after having very firm boundaries about verbal abuse in place for a while, I let them lapse when the eventual extinction burst occurred. He started threatening a lot of physical destruction/abuse if I left the room/house during verbal abuse. I got totally caught up in the fog and stopped leaving. And not surprisingly, it all got worse.  And the physical destruction happened anyway.

I finally had enough one day this week and left.  I've been gone for two nights. I told him that he has been using his illness as an excuse for crappy behavior. And that as long as it's acceptable to him to be abusive, he will continue to be.  He doesn't take a knife to me when he's upset because that's not acceptable to him. So obviously he has control.  The only reason he continues with the verbal abuse is that he believes on some level that it's ok. And I made it clear to him that, if this is the best he can do because of his illness, that's very sad and I'm sorry he's that ill, but it means that he is simply not well enough to be in the adult institution of marriage.

This is the first time I've left, and I think it may actually be serving as a very real wake up call for him.  For the first time he is acknowledging the damage he's done and the fact that it has been a CHOICE. He's back in therapy today and has committed to getting back on the recovery path.

We'll see.  Having some physical space for a couple of days has given me the chance to clear my head and get some rest.  It's also opened the floodgates of realizing how much he's hurt me and how much I have hidden that reality from myself.  I am willing to give this another shot, but it will be on my terms, with a much clearer head.

No I just need to figure out when I'm going back to try again. Not sure how much of a break is the right amount for me, but I'm sure I'll figure that out.

Thanks to you all for being here!