the blame game

[BrokenFamily]

Has anyone ever been humiliated, talked down to and treated badly over a minor or made up issue, then later blamed for the whole thing due to your reaction being in sensitive or mean?

[Mutt]

Yes and often.

You mention two of the three big components of BPD. Splitting and Projection.

The talking down to and being humiliated is being denigrated or devalued. A pwBPD have difficulties distinguishing the grey areas in life. They see the world and people in it as either black or white. Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism. Your either "all good" or "all bad".

When she's triggered with anxiety and stress she sees you as all bad. Hence the talking down to and being treated badly.

Now, in the context of blaming you for her acting out, she feels bad. It's an emotional based disorder and borderlines feel low self worth, shame and guilt. By blaming you she's subconsciously protecting the ego. Projection is taking a negative feeling or action and attributing that to someone else. In this case you and it's usually someone close to the borderline, a partner or family member. It's a temporary relief of those bad feelings a maladaptive coping skills. I hope that helps.


--Mutt

[Silveron]

Happened to me last night.  I believe my wife has BPD and when we went to a psychologist together after a few sessions the psychologist wanted to see my wife privately.  My wife quit and the psychologist told me she needs years of therapy, and most of her traits match that of a BPD.

Anyway last night our 6 year old daughter was up and it was 10:15pm.  She has our daughter basically co-dependent on her.  I told our daughter that it is way past her bedtime, she was on the couch with my wife.  Our daughter mentioned she wanted to go to bed with mom (yes she still sleeps with us and my wife is all for it.  I strongly disagree with this).  Anyway, I told my wife that she needs to go to bed, she has school tomorrow morning.  I was answered back in a very mean tone 'Quit controlling me, you're a piece of ___'.  This, in front of our daughter.  She then went to blame me for all of this because she said our daughter would've been sleeping by now if I didn't come down to talk about her coming to bed.  She then went onto more verbal abuse and talks like an angry teenager such as saying things as 'You're stupid' and other blanket statements.

I told her to take a step back to look at herself when she goes into these rages and acting like a teenager.  Again, this was my fault with her saying 'I act like a teenager because you act like your my father'.  When I tell her that she cannot talk to me until she calms down and respects me, that sets her off even more.

We are going on a family trip with my parents to NYC tomorrow and in her rage she tells me that she's not going.  I told her that the only person she would be hurting is our daughter and taking this special day for her and ruining it (she refuse to go to the Halloween parade last night with us because she was in her rage, so I took our daughter by myself).  She will often tell our daughter that 'Mom is leaving'.  It's giving our daughter major anxiety and I often have to calm her down.  Anyway when she mentioned the trip, I told her if she does not go that she can spend the day packing because anyone who can treat my daughter this way, I no longer want to be a part of.  She has since (from what I gathered) changed her mind about the trip, however I know she will still try to make it a difficult day.

It's little things like that happen daily.  Nothing will EVER be their fault, it's twisted so that it's always someone else's.  When I asked her in the past to tell me a situation before I came into her life that she was completely at fault in, she couldn't.  She was silent until her verbal abuse starting spewing again.  They lack a common sense of judgment when it comes to emotional situations.  They cannot think rationally.  It's beyond frustrating and honestly it does pull away the bond that you have with that person.

[Mutt]

Hi Silveron,

I'm sorry to hear about your D. I agree with you that a 6yr old shouldn't be sleeping with you and it may be that mom is enmeshed with her.

'Quit controlling me, you're a piece of ___'.

She's projecting. Her feelings are displaced and she's projecting them on you. I feel for you when this happens in front of your D. I hated that my wife did that in front of mine. I'm sorry.

I told her to take a step back to look at herself when she goes into these rages and acting like a teenager.  Again, this was my fault with her saying 'I act like a teenager because you act like your my father'.  When I tell her that she cannot talk to me until she calms down and respects me, that sets her off even more.

A boderline rage is an emotional cleansing. She's emotionally dysregulated and whatever you do won't calm her down. The best thing to do is leave and leave her to her own.

Rage is often the result of pent-up anger/fear that has not been dealt with... .often because it in directed toward "self" or a target that is feared.

When a "safe" external target comes along, no matter how tiny it can trigger the release, which is often out of proportion to the triggering event.

Often the rage is directed at loved ones as they are convenient, deeply affected (greatest satisfaction of release), and the most likely to be tempered with their response because they love the person.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=92543.0

I understand feeling frustrated with her. You are both triggered. It takes two to tango. You have a choice. You can't change someone else. You can only change you.

There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and the rationale within that perception - it's not just random craziness as we might sometimes think. Our senior members on [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. The educational material associated with that group is based on the work from leading experts in the disorder.

You're both pushing each others buttons.

They lack a common sense of judgment when it comes to emotional situations.  They cannot think rationally.

She's mentally ill.

Is she willing and committed to work in therapy?

[Silveron]

At this time no.  When she did go to a psychologist it was a result of me wanting her to leave (she did for two days) because of her constant texting other men.  She freely gives out her number to the people she helps (she's a case manager) and often these guys get too comfortable with some of the texts they send.  I have not found any sexually or emotional texts from her to them, but she doesn't stop it either when it happens.

One night I just got fed up with it and she left.  She was also suicidal at this time.  When she came back we both went to the psychologist for a few sessions (mainly it was just her ranting on me).  The psychologist wanted to see her alone, and she was completely baffled by it.  She went like 4-5 times and there was a better aura around her I guess you can say when she came back from them... However she abruptly quit (not sure why) and when I called the psychologist she told me that my wife needed years of therapy.  I brought it up to her last week and she was again completely dumbfounded on why I brought that up, saying 'There is nothing wrong with me, it's all you'.

Her past consist of losing a baby during birth, rape by someone she considered a step-brother (who just so happens to live a block away from us), her (now ex) step-father trying to become sexual with her and her father who neglected her during her childhood.  She has not dealt with any of this.  My thinking is she quit when the psychologist was asking her about her past...