Vindictiveness when ignored

[Depression = 72% of members]

I recently learned of the newest distortion campaign my expBPD had elaborated about me to a faith figure. I've been NC for some time now and ignoring all baiting attempts in blatant ways. Just going the other way etc and full indifference. When I learned of the entirely false character tainting  smear that was projected about me to this faith figure it actually hurt my heart.   But these realizations, as I've unfortunately-yet fortunately-had to educate myself of in immersion of understanding the mental illness has allowed  me to realize in the most self aware way the attempts through projections and lying that goes into such a vindictive " coping?" mechanism.

Seems the more I ignore, the more vindictive actions.

I spent some time reading here on distortion and smear campaigns.  The attempts to ruin ex partners in such continuos ways shines a head light on the distorted vindictiveness that results when they don't get what they want. 

Disturbing.

[Caredverymuch]

I recently learned of the newest distortion campaign my expBPD had elaborated about me to a faith figure. I've been NC for some time now and ignoring all baiting attempts in blatant ways. Just going the other way etc and full indifference. When I learned of the entirely false character tainting  smear that was projected about me to this faith figure it actually hurt my heart.   But these realizations, as I've unfortunately-yet fortunately-had to educate myself of in immersion of understanding the mental illness has allowed  me to realize in the most self aware way the attempts through projections and lying that goes into such a vindictive " coping?" mechanism.

Seems the more I ignore, the more vindictive actions.

I spent some time reading here on distortion and smear campaigns.  The attempts to ruin ex partners in such continuos ways shines a head light on the distorted vindictiveness that results when they don't get what they want. 

Disturbing.

[Loveofhislife]

CVM--I'm sorry to hear about the smear campaign.  And while it's predictable, it is no less painful.  Mine has only begun (take a peek at my latest post under "BPD Under Pressure".  My exbfBPD (and ours sound quite a lot alike) has moved into all out assault mode this week as the pressure is building for him.  I've been reading Blim about embracing our anger, and I vacillate between seeking restitution and just moving on with my life and staying away from him forever. He continues to write how friends and family and creditors think "I'm crazy"--they are "angry with me for how I have treated him... ."  Months ago, out of the blue, he sits down at the dinner table at a favorite restaurant and watering hole of ours and says, "My mother says it's no wonder you drink--she says anyone would have to drink alot if they hang around me." This comment was so random at the time.   Now I realize he had already begun the smear campaign before his out of the blue abandonment of me. He must have been telling his mother that I drink too much.   Little lamb/waif that he is loves to tell people that he never drinks--he just doesn't bother to mention he'll drink as long as someone else is paying. Anyway, I was so upset to think his mother probably thinks he dumped me because I drink alcohol.  Then I realized I have no control over what his mother or anyone else thinks.  Somehow I take heart knowing that people believe what they want to believe--no matter the truth. It is why I embrace Winston Churchill's quote on my BPD profile... .the truth is incontrovertible. I hope this helps, and the Rescuer in me wants to go kick your ex's ___.  You are an incredible person and a great beacon for us on this site.

[OutOfEgypt]

Sorry to hear about this, and good for you for ignoring the baiting attempts.  I've been there, too.  I generally try to keep away from my ex and just keep things light and about the kids.  Still, I'm positive she has said plenty of things about me to others in order to make herself not seem so bad, but the ones that know her probably know she is lying.  Doesn't make it not hurt, but all the crap she does and says... .it will blow away in the wind, eventually... .like straw.  It feels bad in the moment, and it attempts to draw us back into hating them, but it's just chaff.  As I'm sure you know, soon enough she'll move on to another victim.  You'll be old-hat.  That will be a *happy day*.

[patientandclear]

CVM and LOHL, for whatever it's worth, just know it's undoubtedly actually much more layered for your exes.  Yes the smear campaign and resentment that emanates from them toward a rejecting ex (that's you! and me!) is a coping mechanism, but from what I learned watching my ex, it isn't total.  90% of the time he describes his long term ex-gf in really hateful terms.  When he first explained their r/s to me I gathered she was emotionally abusive and just mean and terrible to him.  (You'll be shocked to hear that doesn't accord with anyone else's view of her, but I didn't know that till later.)  Anyway. After he left me and I spent nearly a year in NC and then got back in touch with him, we became close.  The mess and confusion of that is another story, but the relevant point here is that during this stage he was not campaigning for me to be his gf, so he was willing to share some deeper truths, and it turned out he was chronically and deeply obsessed with this ex gf, whom he still mostly referred to in very negative terms ... .but he also compulsively inventoried the things she'd said at the end about how he wrecks relationships.  He wasn't ever able to bridge from his obsession with what she'd said (which sounded very insightful when he recounted it to me ... .mind you, he'd left her 10 times in as many years and immediately taken up with other women each time -- sounds like it was horrific for her) to any sort of repair toward her, or avoiding the same patterns with me or subsequent girlfriends.  He wasn't doing anything with his fascination for her, in other words, except ruminating.  But the surface level resentment and rejection was clearly not the whole story.  He knows at some deeper level that she was onto something, and also, that she really cared, and also, that she was probably right about him.

For what it's worth -- that smear campaign you are experiencing now undoubtedly masks deeper levels of consternation and pain about what happened with you.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

His family used to LOVE me... .

then i call one day when we had broken nc again... .

his mother hung up on me not one but THREE times.

he tells me its bc she thinks i have him hooked on drugs... .

and swears up and down it was a rumor that didnt come from him... .

... .riiight... .

so insulting bc i treated him like a king and he treated me like

s*** so to have his mom not wanting ME around? incredibly insulting.

there is no limit for the pain and disrespect or the lengths

a BPD will go. just shockingly no limit.

dobt understand it ... .stopped trying to decided it was a good sign

i dont understand it

[Caredverymuch]

CVM and LOHL, for whatever it's worth, just know it's undoubtedly actually much more layered for your exes.  Yes the smear campaign and resentment that emanates from them toward a rejecting ex (that's you! and me!) is a coping mechanism, but from what I learned watching my ex, it isn't total.  90% of the time he describes his long term ex-gf in really hateful terms.  When he first explained their r/s to me I gathered she was emotionally abusive and just mean and terrible to him.  (You'll be shocked to hear that doesn't accord with anyone else's view of her, but I didn't know that till later.)  Anyway. After he left me and I spent nearly a year in NC and then got back in touch with him, we became close.  The mess and confusion of that is another story, but the relevant point here is that during this stage he was not campaigning for me to be his gf, so he was willing to share some deeper truths, and it turned out he was chronically and deeply obsessed with this ex gf, whom he still mostly referred to in very negative terms ... .but he also compulsively inventoried the things she'd said at the end about how he wrecks relationships.  He wasn't ever able to bridge from his obsession with what she'd said (which sounded very insightful when he recounted it to me ... .mind you, he'd left her 10 times in as many years and immediately taken up with other women each time -- sounds like it was horrific for her) to any sort of repair toward her, or avoiding the same patterns with me or subsequent girlfriends.  He wasn't doing anything with his fascination for her, in other words, except ruminating.  But the surface level resentment and rejection was clearly not the whole story.  He knows at some deeper level that she was onto something, and also, that she really cared, and also, that she was probably right about him.

For what it's worth -- that smear campaign you are experiencing now undoubtedly masks deeper levels of consternation and pain about what happened with you.

Hi LOHL,  yes our ex's sound so very much alike i wondered if they were indeed the same person.  Uncanny.

Its interesting you mention your ex's portrayal of you to his mother. I am not a perfect person but I can honestly say that prior to meeting my expBPD I had never heard myself portrayed as anything less that a very good friend, parent, colleague, community member.  I am solid in the ways we should be in my foundation.  I did not doubt myself ever in that way.

My ex's feedback on his family's perspective of me, albeit they hadn't met me, was so far to the left of who I am.  I was confounded.  As I would challenge his feedback, he wouldn't respond in a favorable way at all.  Just appeared uninterested and as if he had no idea why I cared. It confused me so much that I actually provided him w a list of my accolades. My professional highlights.  My immense community service.  My involvement in my church. 

I was SO THICK IN THE FOG BACK THEN.

The irony was I had described him to my family and friends as a the most loving and caring and gentle, giving man I had ever met.  I told all those that mattered to me of his beautiful integrity and moral value. 

You see, it was all projection.  All of this.

He projected his own shameful knowing of himself in his description of me.  To others. The polar opposite of who I was. In every way. On fact retrospectively I believe it was actually just HIS projection OF HIMSELF onto ME.   He likely hadn't described me to anyone.  I think he just couldn't hold up the mirror by then and in attempt to lessen his self hate he tried to hand it over to me. To attempt to steal my very good core foundation.

I described him very accurately at the time, to those that mattered to me, as he was a mirror of MY character then. I was describing myself. 100%. 

The most recent learning of his distortion of my character... .To a faith figure... .Is another glowing example of his self projection.

The words that were said about me.  Read like a book of what he did. TO ME.   And who he was in our r/s. His shame of his actions toward me.   What he did to me. How he took a good person far out of my life.   And took advantage of me in many horrific ways. This was how I was now portrayed.  In a house of faith.

He knew of my value in my faith.  We shared a great deal of such together.

The disorder is serious.  I am entering more and more into a place of feeling immense gratitude for away from this man. 

I understand why they smear.   They assess you well.  Every time they learn more and more about what is of value to you, or what would deeply hurt you in life.  They store it.

And these very things will be used harshly against you in distortion and smearing to attempt to leave you with nothing. As they are in their core.

It is  a serious, serious disorder.  And far beyond wrong.

Thank you for your kind words of support.  The family here cares very well for one another thru much.

[clydegriffith]

In my case the smear campaign was a tool for my BPDx to garner sympathy from others and somewhat explain the horrible predicament she got herself in. She did the same to her mother.

[Mutt]

Seems the more I ignore, the more vindictive actions.

I'm sorry Caredverymuch. It's not fun when a expBPD escalates and sends more vitriol your way. That's tough.

Sounds like expBPD is headed for an exctinction burst.

So what do we do?  When the person with Borderline Personality Disorder becomes dysregulated or depressed. bpdfamily.com recommends that you give them the space to self sooth - not try to do it for them.  Take a deep breath and politely and non-aggressively disengage. It’s not easy to block out the distraction and emotional pleas for our attention, yet it is only with a critical pause that we can really stay on a constructive and healthy pathway.

This act is called extinction. We essentially remove our reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior. We simply stop rewarding the behavior.

When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to  engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage.   This escalation is know as an extinction burst.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts


Hang in There Caredverymuch.

--Mutt

[Bak86]

She was sitting across my desk today, i completely ignored her, while i gave A LOT of attention to another female colleague(who is also a friend). Oh man, my ex tried so hard to get attention from me. When all the colleagues left i still had to sit with her for another 2 hours today. We didn't say one word to each other, but i could just sense she was pissed off at me. She was cussing at her computer screen and sighing. She's up to something! 

[Caredverymuch]

Sorry to hear about this, and good for you for ignoring the baiting attempts.  I've been there, too.  I generally try to keep away from my ex and just keep things light and about the kids.  Still, I'm positive she has said plenty of things about me to others in order to make herself not seem so bad, but the ones that know her probably know she is lying.  Doesn't make it not hurt, but all the crap she does and says... .it will blow away in the wind, eventually... .like straw.  It feels bad in the moment, and it attempts to draw us back into hating them, but it's just chaff.  As I'm sure you know, soon enough she'll move on to another victim.  You'll be old-hat.  That will be a *happy day*.

Thank you Out of Egypt. I cant imagine having to share children after the r/s ends w pBPD. I am sure its not easy for you, as you mention.  But you handle it well. Im reaching the point of extreme gratitude I got out of that r/s.   Im seeing how crazy making the disorder continues to attempt to be. Long after it ends. And how it really has never officially ended in my expBPD mind.  As my t said. Hes still on the roller coaster.  You got off. 

[Caredverymuch]

In my case the smear campaign was a tool for my BPDx to garner sympathy from others and somewhat explain the horrible predicament she got herself in. She did the same to her mother.

Its always a tool to avoid shame. To make them appear flawless and without accountability. They are always the victim.  Others were the villian.  Its very convincingly performed. They are brilliant actors.  Brilliant.  Think how they fooled us by portraying every ex before us. As bad.

They smear and distort to protect their assurance that they wont lose face with whatever group or whatever individual they need to remain close and allied and in their facade.   Only those in a close r /s with a pBPD, such as us here,  see this side of their disorder.  High functioned BPDs fool others 100% of the time.  You would be hard pressed to convince the many they fool of who they truly are underneath the mask.

[seeking balance]

author=Caredverymuch link=topic=235093.msg12510463#msg12510463  As my t said. Hes still on the roller coaster.  You got off.  

It is freeing to realize we do not have to ride the roller coaster any longer.  

Why/How did you learn of this distortion campaign and do you plan to put boundaries in place so you don't have to experience the residual bumps of the ride?  If not, why?

[Caredverymuch]

Seems the more I ignore, the more vindictive actions.

I'm sorry Caredverymuch. It's not fun when a expBPD escalates and sends more vitriol your way. That's tough.

Sounds like expBPD is headed for an exctinction burst.

So what do we do?  When the person with Borderline Personality Disorder becomes dysregulated or depressed. bpdfamily.com recommends that you give them the space to self sooth - not try to do it for them.  Take a deep breath and politely and non-aggressively disengage. It’s not easy to block out the distraction and emotional pleas for our attention, yet it is only with a critical pause that we can really stay on a constructive and healthy pathway.

This act is called extinction. We essentially remove our reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior. We simply stop rewarding the behavior.

When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to  engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage.   This escalation is know as an extinction burst.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts


Hang in There Caredverymuch.

--Mutt

Thank you Mutt.  You are a consistent voice of support and reason for the many members here. I respect your ability to do so as you continue to heal as well.  And with that, I do hope that every day gets you closer to finding the person you were truly meant to be with, as I recall you have posted about dating recently.  I'm following along and waiting for the day you arrive here saying you have found someone as deserving of you.

I interpret extinction bursts as related to those that are still IN the r/s, in reaction to boundary setting.

I am interpreting my situation more so as rage in reaction to the loss of control over me.  Like reverse baiting control. The power is " gone" if you will.

Since I am no longer in the r/s and maintaining NC even in recent situations which have put us in the same physical setting together, as well as ignoring all battings, with complete indifference and actually removing myself from situations where there is a physical presence, with indifference and ease, this is really causing the disorder to rage.

My expBPD knows me well enough to know my heart. He has seen me weep as I have dealt with his abandonment, his dissociated acts early on of passing me and acting as if he did not know me despite my very real anguish, as well as providing me with immense devaluation in the few times since he left me that I went to him for a degree of closure.

He knows me and he knows once I am done.  I AM done.  We have talked about that feature in me often. It takes a great deal to get me to that point.  But once reached, I am done. 

He is seeing this in me.  And he is reacting.

It's not extinction burst.  Its BPD rage.

But, I am very done. 

And, there is no more control anywhere in all this.

Just freedom.

[uncrx]

Sounds like expBPD is headed for an exctinction burst.

This act is called extinction. We essentially remove our reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior. We simply stop rewarding the behavior.

When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to  engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage.   This escalation is know as an extinction burst.[/b][/quote]
BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

Thanks again Mutt ... .Once I went NC and offered no response or reaction to my exBPDgf's letter of apology, she escalated by going silent to me but attempting to communicate her baiting and manipulative tactics through a mutual friend. My friend and I both can sense her frustration of not receiving the usual and expected responses from me.

Seems that everyday out of the relationship, I begin to see and understand behaviors that I was seemingly blind to while in the relationship. This forum also adds to my clarity and understanding. Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences and for their support.

[Caredverymuch]

Sounds like expBPD is headed for an exctinction burst.



Seems that everyday out of the relationship, I begin to see and understand behaviors that I was seemingly blind to while in the relationship. This forum also adds to my clarity and understanding. Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences and for their support.

I could not agree more uncrx. 

[Caredverymuch]

author=Caredverymuch link=topic=235093.msg12510463#msg12510463  As my t said. Hes still on the roller coaster.  You got off. 

It is freeing to realize we do not have to ride the roller coaster any longer. 

Why/How did you learn of this distortion campaign and do you plan to put boundaries in place so you don't have to experience the residual bumps of the ride?  If not, why?

Hi Seeking Balance.  Yes, it bcomes more and more and more freeing the farther I stay away and maintain strict NC as well as zero response to baitings.  The indifference is very natural in those circumstances as I see the disturbing layers of the disorder now as a spectator.  Very freeing.

I learned of the distortion through a trusted mutual friend.  I am not concerned with another's perception of me bc i know who i am and i know the distortion is pure projection. I had removed myself from the particular community where this took place after I was abandoned. I was only involved with that faith community as a result of repetitive pleas from my expBPD to join him there.  Which I did. I no longer am there and clearly have been portrayed as someone I am not post tense.   

It was dismaying to learn the degree of which I was lied about in a house of faith. Where I was nothing but a source of caring and support to my expBPD.  I pity him as such on judgement day.

How I plan to handle any future issues in regard to any continued baiting/stalking will be with authorities.

[seeking balance]

I learned of the distortion through a trusted mutual friend. 

I found that by putting boundaries around mutual friends (my boundary was if it doesn't effect me in life or death, just don't tell me) - I could stay off the roller coaster, thus heal.

Some friends respected the boundary and others didn't... .I let go of a couple that wouldn't respect it because my balance was way more important than their need to create unneeded drama.

You are healing - becoming clearer - not sure if you have looked back at  your early posts lately, but I found that process very enlightening and confidence building.

Peace,

SB

[Bak86]

She was sitting across my desk today, i completely ignored her, while i gave A LOT of attention to another female colleague(who is also a friend). Oh man, my ex tried so hard to get attention from me. When all the colleagues left i still had to sit with her for another 2 hours today. We didn't say one word to each other, but i could just sense she was pissed off at me. She was cussing at her computer screen and sighing. She's up to something! 

I was typing to a female coworker today, just regular talk about everyday stuff and my ex noticed i was typing to her. She got up and left the room and went to the coworker to check up on what we were talking about! Man, what is up with this woman? I also notice she gets quiet and depressed whenever i see her and she's always looking at me with hollow eyes. So weird.