NC broken-advise needed

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone

Hope alls going ok in your relevant situations and the BPD's in your life arent causing too much problems (which they probably are lets be honest)

Yesterday i had a bit of a shock. After the continuing slander campaign (including the facebook status mentioned in one of my posts only a few days ago) I was outside my  workplace yesterday on a cigarette break when who walks out the shop a few doors down but my ex. I tried to turn away and ignore her,but she very purposefully walked up and said "hi", this threw me a little bit,and i replied "hi?" to which she told me "im just being polite (My name)" unfortuanetly i replied back with a rather sarcastic "your being poilite? after what you have been saying about me around town,you are being polite?" she re-iterated that she was being polite then walked off. This really freaked me out tbh

Weirdly ten minutes later i received an update from the police domestic violence unit (I'm on there emergency list because of what has happened and my partners history of attacking me)they wanted to get an update on how i was doing and to get my new address (ive moved to a new flat since all this started) I told them what had happened, to which the officer informed me that it sounded like the beginning stages of a re-engagement (she used to work in mental health so nows a lot about BPD) and that i still needed to protect myself and stay well clear (she told me it was quite apparant that i am a caring person,and that my ex used that against me in the relationship,and will probably try to do it again)i was also informed my former partner was the subject of a lot of meetings and was finally getting the help she needed

The question i have for you all is did i respond to my ex correctly. Although i wasnt playing ball so to speak and being polite back,will she give up now or is it ,like as previously mentioned on here. Is Any form of response,positive or negative still a green light to them?

[Tom P]

Hi everyone

Hope alls going ok in your relevant situations and the BPD's in your life arent causing too much problems (which they probably are lets be honest)

Yesterday i had a bit of a shock. After the continuing slander campaign (including the facebook status mentioned in one of my posts only a few days ago) I was outside my  workplace yesterday on a cigarette break when who walks out the shop a few doors down but my ex. I tried to turn away and ignore her,but she very purposefully walked up and said "hi", this threw me a little bit,and i replied "hi?" to which she told me "im just being polite (My name)" unfortuanetly i replied back with a rather sarcastic "your being poilite? after what you have been saying about me around town,you are being polite?" she re-iterated that she was being polite then walked off. This really freaked me out tbh

Weirdly ten minutes later i received an update from the police domestic violence unit (I'm on there emergency list because of what has happened and my partners history of attacking me)they wanted to get an update on how i was doing and to get my new address (ive moved to a new flat since all this started) I told them what had happened, to which the officer informed me that it sounded like the beginning stages of a re-engagement (she used to work in mental health so nows a lot about BPD) and that i still needed to protect myself and stay well clear (she told me it was quite apparant that i am a caring person,and that my ex used that against me in the relationship,and will probably try to do it again)i was also informed my former partner was the subject of a lot of meetings and was finally getting the help she needed

The question i have for you all is did i respond to my ex correctly. Although i wasnt playing ball so to speak and being polite back,will she give up now or is it ,like as previously mentioned on here. Is Any form of response,positive or negative still a green light to them?

[Infern0]

It's likely she will try again.  You responded so she knows she can have an effect on you. 

What's your take on it? Want her out of your life? 

If so no contact and just ignore her and walk away if you see her.

[Tom P]

I suppose that is the difficult part inferno. It's the old duality of emotions. Part of me knows that i should have nothing to do with her,that since going no contact i have improved tremendously and am looking and acting healthier than any time in since the break up. But there is also that part of me that doesnt want to see her hurt (and sadly still has feelings of love for her  (groan) In know deep down she will not get better,but there is still that part of me that says "you stood by her through it all, She has never had that, am i doing the right thing?"

Her new friend set are well and truly falling for her sob stories (which is an annoyance,because they really dont know what she is truly like), but thankfully i get the impression her mental health team are now not falling for them due to the recent meetings (they would have heard all the reports,how i went into the sea myself to rescue her rather than allowing the officers,etc)

I was doing so well,but now after just that brief exchange i find myself slipping back. And wondering what will come next. I dont believe she will give up yet. I just pray i have the strength in me to turn her away if/when that moment comes.

[irishmarmot]

Despite everything she put you through you still have feelings for her.  This is normal considering everything we have been through.   Continued NC will help clear your mind of her and you will see the relationship for what it was.  I agree with Inferno, if you don't want her in your life ignore her.   Afterall if you don't feed a mouse,  the mouse will go someplace else.

[OutOfEgypt]

She wanted to see if she could get a reaction from you, and she did.  I've been there.  My ex still does things like that, but to some degree I have to talk to her because we share children.  So, I keep it light for their sakes.  But there is a boundary there.  When I feel her trying to emotionally engage, I don't respond or I respond with something brief and emotionally disengaged, like "cool" and then get back to business or think of a reason I have to go.

Don't worry too much about if you responded the "right" way or not.  This is about you, not if you are 'doing it right' to beat her.  You can have some compassion on yourself and do things differently next time.  My situation is a bit different from yours since I have to communicate with my ex and don't have a real worry about domestic violence from her.  

In your situation, she caught you off guard -something they are wonderful at.  So, brush it off and just try to stay disengaged and realize that you cannot be 100% prepared for "next time".  But if and when you do see her again, just glaze over.  Pretend you are preoccupied with something else or have somewhere to be.  In the end, who really gives a #$ what she thinks... .or what her mindless minions who listen to her B/S sob stories think... .this is about you staying disengaged.  By the way, overthinking it is part of engaging.  So, it's okay to let this go.

[fromheeltoheal]

Think of everything as an attachment test.  Borderlines, who's fear of abandonment is at their core and the continual focus, will test to see if an attachment is still in place, and even if you're royally pissed off, it's an emotional attachment.  The best way to handle it is act bored, disinterested, and if you act that way long enough, one day it will be true for you.

[Boss302]

Next time she tries it, walk away. You are not required to talk to her.

[Raptor783xx]

I fell for this as well today. I found keeping no contact protects you from false accusations and becoming a scapegoat as anything you say can be twisted and used against you. They try to lure you in when they feel lonely (mine would lure me in for the sake of "pulling the plug". They said something which basically translated to them wanting to move on but being upset that I was "moving on first". After a while, I figured out that when they threaten to leave you, it's due to a fear that you will abandon them. Not responding is appropriate to this as it shows, by your actions, that you don't care if they're trying to lure you into that cycle again.

I gave up because it was a no win situation regardless if I respond or not, they will find some way to blame you.

No contact keeps you out of their game and it signals that they have lost control over you.

[Raptor783xx]

I came across my ex accidentally in the mall once and we walked right past each other (I was with a friend at the time thank goodness) and then on the social media over a month and a half later she complained that, briefly encountering me in public had ruined her day.

I think you responded very well in your situation. Seeing your ex outside work must be daunting and unexpected. Does she stalk you? Probably maintain no contact or keep it as concise as possible if she tries to pester you again (I think less is more, in that sense, with BPD). Mine had launched a slander campaign as well, but it ended up blowing up in her face eventually.

[Tom P]

Thank you for the advise guys.Much appreciated.Tbh im still realing from her speaking to me a bit, I have suspected her stalking me a little bit vox_separatum. I did do a a post on it just over a week ago. Her walkpasts of my workplace kind of petered off a bit the last week or so (she was probably out of money,the girl  tends to blow her benefit money on drinking binges with about 3 to 4 days of payment.Then hibernates for the next week or so,unless she has someone else to pay for her drinks) I received some reports from mutual friends she was complaining about being stuck in the flat all the time,which i suppose explains it. But the day before this contact with her i noticed the walkpasts begun again,this time on her own and not with her enabler buddies, i have spotted them a number of times this week out and about without her,strange in itself as they were practically joined at the hip. The girls in the cafe next door to my work (who know the full story,got quite protective and were blocking the door so she couldnt see me) But when i went out for a cigarette break i noticed her looking directly at me from the pub across the road again.When she realised she was spotted she ran out of sight and had a friend move forward to watch (i have really good eyesight so i could see it all going on) Tbh i am still quite concerned by this all. Her former friends have told me she will not let me go that easily . And i know deep down in my heart that re-engagement is a high possibility,but i shall take the advise you guys have given and try to put it into practise

[Split black]

Thank you for the advise guys.Much appreciated.Tbh im still realing from her speaking to me a bit, I have suspected her stalking me a little bit vox_separatum. I did do a a post on it just over a week ago. Her walkpasts of my workplace kind of petered off a bit the last week or so (she was probably out of money,the girl  tends to blow her benefit money on drinking binges with about 3 to 4 days of payment.Then hibernates for the next week or so,unless she has someone else to pay for her drinks) I received some reports from mutual friends she was complaining about being stuck in the flat all the time,which i suppose explains it. But the day before this contact with her i noticed the walkpasts begun again,this time on her own and not with her enabler buddies, i have spotted them a number of times this week out and about without her,strange in itself as they were practically joined at the hip. The girls in the cafe next door to my work (who know the full story,got quite protective and were blocking the door so she couldnt see me) But when i went out for a cigarette break i noticed her looking directly at me from the pub across the road again.When she realised she was spotted she ran out of sight and had a friend move forward to watch (i have really good eyesight so i could see it all going on) Tbh i am still quite concerned by this all. Her former friends have told me she will not let me go that easily . And i know deep down in my heart that re-engagement is a high possibility,but i shall take the advise you guys have given and try to put it into practise

Thank god Im living a thousand miles away now. Mine would recycle me all the time for money that she would use for rent or drugs. It degraded to the point where she would allow sex for " help" ... .True love.     And all the while she would have a parade of others on a short leash... .  I really am emerging from the FOG maybe for the first time.

You are in a very tough spot. Don't allow yourself to be recycled. Find a new girl or date your ass off.