want off the rollercoaster

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello, so I am at a pretty shameful feeling place.  I am 31.  I was raised by a Mother and Father with BPD.  Both were verbally abusive.  Mother was physically abusive.  Growing up I was always told by my Mother that I was a mistake, she wished I didn't exist.  She was a hard core drug addict as well.  She would come in and out of our lives every so many years, until she decided to be super mom and we had to live with her for 3 years.  I tried everything to get out of there.  I even called the cops and told them about the weed under the bed, but she told them I put it there.  Guess who they believed.  I even curved into my skin and called social services.  Still we were stuck getting beat.  My father was a workaholic, as well as alcoholic.  Childhood was very crazy, they were divorced by lived together each bring home different people on the weekends... .  Yelling, screaming, anger almost every minute.  Everything was always my fault, I could never do anything right.  My brother and I were exposed to drugs, sex, and rock and roll from diapers on.  We both were sexually assaulted as well throughout our childhood by different ones.  Social services was called by our neighbor when I was in middle school. They finally believed me after a extremely bad beating.  So my Father kicked her out.  She hated me even more from that moment one, and I payed big time.   Needless to say I got into doing drugs.  I also struggled with bulimia for 8 years.  The shame and guilt that was heaped onto my shoulders was just to much!  I have been clean for 8 years, and have a beautiful family.  A good husband and two wonderful children. My parents have not really been apart of my life, and they  do not have anything to do with the children.  My Brother was murdered 6 years ago, and of course it was allllllll my fault as far as my Mother was concerned.  So modern day my parents still are very verbally abusive.  My Father came to the house and was going off on me in front of my kids and I just stood there crying.  That was crazy if anyone else would of done that to me I would of spoke up for myself.  But I couldn't move.  It was like my little child inside was scared to death. I see my Dad once a week, and almost every time it is  very unhealthy.  I need help!  I am so tired of carrying around this shame that is not mine to carry, and it has never been mine!  I know my parents are very toxic.  I did some work for my Mom last week and for 6 hours I have to listen to how great of a Mom see was.  Wouldn't do that again.  I told my Mom how I felt one time 5 years ago and she turned it all around on me, so I didn't try that anymore.  Earlier this week I stopped by to pick up eggs from my Dad and he when into the how stupid I am speech.  And I was crying as usual.  He said I need to stop crying, what is wrong with me why am I always crying, so I said you want to know I will tell you.  So I told him all about Mom being abusive and all about my Brother and I getting sexual assaulted.  So in a healthy family I guess the Father would embrace his Daughter and tell her he was sorry he wan't there to protect her, and that he is there to support her.  Well reality was he yelled at me the whole time and told me I need to get over it!  There goes more shame.  My shame is so bad at times that it is hard to go out in public because I feel like everyone can see right through me and see the wicked person inside that my parents painted.  Really I am a loving Mom who doesn't yell, and people like me.  But I can not believe these positive things, it is so confusing!  I don't want to feel like this anymore.  I need help, and I know I need boundaries.  Any ideas?

[Shameful]

Hello, so I am at a pretty shameful feeling place.  I am 31.  I was raised by a Mother and Father with BPD.  Both were verbally abusive.  Mother was physically abusive.  Growing up I was always told by my Mother that I was a mistake, she wished I didn't exist.  She was a hard core drug addict as well.  She would come in and out of our lives every so many years, until she decided to be super mom and we had to live with her for 3 years.  I tried everything to get out of there.  I even called the cops and told them about the weed under the bed, but she told them I put it there.  Guess who they believed.  I even curved into my skin and called social services.  Still we were stuck getting beat.  My father was a workaholic, as well as alcoholic.  Childhood was very crazy, they were divorced by lived together each bring home different people on the weekends... .  Yelling, screaming, anger almost every minute.  Everything was always my fault, I could never do anything right.  My brother and I were exposed to drugs, sex, and rock and roll from diapers on.  We both were sexually assaulted as well throughout our childhood by different ones.  Social services was called by our neighbor when I was in middle school. They finally believed me after a extremely bad beating.  So my Father kicked her out.  She hated me even more from that moment one, and I payed big time.   Needless to say I got into doing drugs.  I also struggled with bulimia for 8 years.  The shame and guilt that was heaped onto my shoulders was just to much!  I have been clean for 8 years, and have a beautiful family.  A good husband and two wonderful children. My parents have not really been apart of my life, and they  do not have anything to do with the children.  My Brother was murdered 6 years ago, and of course it was allllllll my fault as far as my Mother was concerned.  So modern day my parents still are very verbally abusive.  My Father came to the house and was going off on me in front of my kids and I just stood there crying.  That was crazy if anyone else would of done that to me I would of spoke up for myself.  But I couldn't move.  It was like my little child inside was scared to death. I see my Dad once a week, and almost every time it is  very unhealthy.  I need help!  I am so tired of carrying around this shame that is not mine to carry, and it has never been mine!  I know my parents are very toxic.  I did some work for my Mom last week and for 6 hours I have to listen to how great of a Mom see was.  Wouldn't do that again.  I told my Mom how I felt one time 5 years ago and she turned it all around on me, so I didn't try that anymore.  Earlier this week I stopped by to pick up eggs from my Dad and he when into the how stupid I am speech.  And I was crying as usual.  He said I need to stop crying, what is wrong with me why am I always crying, so I said you want to know I will tell you.  So I told him all about Mom being abusive and all about my Brother and I getting sexual assaulted.  So in a healthy family I guess the Father would embrace his Daughter and tell her he was sorry he wan't there to protect her, and that he is there to support her.  Well reality was he yelled at me the whole time and told me I need to get over it!  There goes more shame.  My shame is so bad at times that it is hard to go out in public because I feel like everyone can see right through me and see the wicked person inside that my parents painted.  Really I am a loving Mom who doesn't yell, and people like me.  But I can not believe these positive things, it is so confusing!  I don't want to feel like this anymore.  I need help, and I know I need boundaries.  Any ideas?

[beefree]

I'm sorry that you have had to go through all of this. 

You said you know you need boundaries - what boundaries do you need to set to feel (and be) safe? To not allow yourself to be emotionally abused? To not expose your kids to the way that your parent's are treating you?

Whether you share those boundaries with your parents or not, you can make them for yourself. IE - if mom starts to yell, I leave or end a conversation. OR since everytime I see dad it's unhealthy, I'm not going to see him for a while, or I'm only going to see him if another adult is around, etc.

The survivor's guide on the right is a good place to start with Taking Care of Yourself. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307#msg1064891.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Dear Shameful,

As beefree  said, the survivor's guide on the  right hand side has a wealth of wisdom for all steps of the journey. You can click on each step and get more info.

  Number 6 was interesting to me because it made the link between repressed anger ( you probably were never allowed to express anger because you very likely would have been smacked! ) and feelings of  Anxiety, self-loathing and depression. Shame would be in there too.

When I first started getting my mind wrapped around the concept of BPD,  I  went through a very long period of time angry at all the memories of how I had been treated. I was made to feel like the worst person in the world and I walked around in a continually confused state. Was  I ?  They had me believing it half the time,  and the other half the time I would get a sense of reality.  For me there was no physical abuse but tons of emotional abuse.  That anger stayed with me for a several years as I started coming out of the FOG. Looking back I see it was linked to feelings of depression.

I don't feel as much anger now, and my internal dialogue is saner. So just know that you are in the right place to learn about the disorder and most importantly  how to move beyond it ruling your  life.

[HappyChappy]

Shameful, you deserve a medal, you really do. You’ve weathered not one but two BPD parents. You’ve weathered not just their toxic behaviour but also two drug addictions on top of that. You’ve managed to come out the back end of this with a husband and two kids whilst getting over a drug habit. Not many could do that. Your a survivor and you should be proud – which is why this shame thing is clearly due to BPD trickery. They are (unfairly ) projecting their shame back on you. They trigger these thoughts when you meet them – the fact your Dad didn’t show concern over the physical abuse is unforgivable – the shame is his (I speak as a farther).

But it does sound like you, quiet understandably, need a break. From what you’re saying, your BPD are masterful (as all are) at keeping the shame FOG going with you.  You need to heal yourself first. Get a therapist/counsellor if you have access. Why not – you deserve it. If you go low contact or no contact, this doesn’t have to be forever, just until you heal. What would your parents say if you said you have an illness and need time to coverless ?  Be good to yourself.  

[Shameful]

Thank you so so much for your loving, kind words and support.  It is so refreshing and soothing.  I am so grateful that a friend directed me to this forum.  I feel like reading your heartwarming responses helped to snap me back to reality (out of fog).  I have been in a dark shameful place for so long and I am ready to get out and stay out.  One step at a time!  Thank you all for your hope and courage that you all have had as you walk through this path of healing.  I never thought as the parents reflecting their shame on to me.  A friend told me that when my Dad has his moments to picture him as a baby with a little baby hat and bottle screaming.  I have looked in my area there is no therapist or counselor that deals with BPD.  The  closest one is 1 1/2 away.  Thank you again for all the wisdom and support that you have given!