Detaching

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all I started a thread off about the processes we go through in N/C, a bit of it was a tad confronting I suspect due to the lack of replies. 

I'm sort of tryign to show how I managed to move it on from everything about her to starting to think about me. 

Changing it all from WHY does exBPD do XYZ, WHAT if exBPD contacts me, WILL exBPD say XYZ.  It was laid out to me fairly straight up early on that I wasn’t concerned about myself, I needed to start taking care of myself.  A lot of topics here going on in regards to the above theame with WHAT IF THEY DO,WOW THEY HAVE DONE THIS, CAN YOU BELEIVE!

I started using something what psychologist laid out for me, started to ask myself constantly

WHAT am I feeling?

I am feeling sad/angry/frustrated because she is never going to be what I had envisioned. 

WHAT is making me feel this way?

No answers as to why, instant change from her and silent treatment

WHAT effect is it having on me?

I am lost, not taking any action, sitting here going in circles

WHAT am I going to do about it?

Something for me, stop concentrating on HER

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

I will go for a walk, I will paint a room, I will cut the grass

WHAT is healthy for me?

Use this energy that I am feeling for something constructive

Our power comes from how we choose to act.  Another quote and again I appologise for not linking the person who put this one out there however it is from the wise mind / mindfullness workshop concept of being present and controlling what we do in a given situation. 

"There is a gap between our reaction and our action, in that gap lies our true power" 

I hope you all get what I'm aiming at here, feel free to chime in with individual perspectives.  There is no right or wrong here, whatever works for you.  WHAT are you doing to help yourself at the moment? 


AJJ. 

[Aussie JJ]

Hi all I started a thread off about the processes we go through in N/C, a bit of it was a tad confronting I suspect due to the lack of replies. 

I'm sort of tryign to show how I managed to move it on from everything about her to starting to think about me. 

Changing it all from WHY does exBPD do XYZ, WHAT if exBPD contacts me, WILL exBPD say XYZ.  It was laid out to me fairly straight up early on that I wasn’t concerned about myself, I needed to start taking care of myself.  A lot of topics here going on in regards to the above theame with WHAT IF THEY DO,WOW THEY HAVE DONE THIS, CAN YOU BELEIVE!

I started using something what psychologist laid out for me, started to ask myself constantly

WHAT am I feeling?

I am feeling sad/angry/frustrated because she is never going to be what I had envisioned. 

WHAT is making me feel this way?

No answers as to why, instant change from her and silent treatment

WHAT effect is it having on me?

I am lost, not taking any action, sitting here going in circles

WHAT am I going to do about it?

Something for me, stop concentrating on HER

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

I will go for a walk, I will paint a room, I will cut the grass

WHAT is healthy for me?

Use this energy that I am feeling for something constructive

Our power comes from how we choose to act.  Another quote and again I appologise for not linking the person who put this one out there however it is from the wise mind / mindfullness workshop concept of being present and controlling what we do in a given situation. 

"There is a gap between our reaction and our action, in that gap lies our true power" 

I hope you all get what I'm aiming at here, feel free to chime in with individual perspectives.  There is no right or wrong here, whatever works for you.  WHAT are you doing to help yourself at the moment? 


AJJ. 

[Deeno02]

Hi all I started a thread off about the processes we go through in N/C, a bit of it was a tad confronting I suspect due to the lack of replies.  

I'm sort of tryign to show how I managed to move it on from everything about her to starting to think about me.  

Changing it all from WHY does exBPD do XYZ, WHAT if exBPD contacts me, WILL exBPD say XYZ.  It was laid out to me fairly straight up early on that I wasn’t concerned about myself, I needed to start taking care of myself.  A lot of topics here going on in regards to the above theame with WHAT IF THEY DO,WOW THEY HAVE DONE THIS, CAN YOU BELEIVE!

I started using something what psychologist laid out for me, started to ask myself constantly

WHAT am I feeling?

I am feeling sad/angry/frustrated because she is never going to be what I had envisioned.  

WHAT is making me feel this way?

No answers as to why, instant change from her and silent treatment

WHAT effect is it having on me?

I am lost, not taking any action, sitting here going in circles

WHAT am I going to do about it?

Something for me, stop concentrating on HER

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

I will go for a walk, I will paint a room, I will cut the grass

WHAT is healthy for me?

Use this energy that I am feeling for something constructive

Our power comes from how we choose to act.  Another quote and again I appologise for not linking the person who put this one out there however it is from the wise mind / mindfullness workshop concept of being present and controlling what we do in a given situation.  

"There is a gap between our reaction and our action, in that gap lies our true power"  

I hope you all get what I'm aiming at here, feel free to chime in with individual perspectives.  There is no right or wrong here, whatever works for you.  WHAT are you doing to help yourself at the moment?  


AJJ.  

Ok, here are my thoughts... .

WHAT am I feeling?

Horribly hurt and used. Confused as to what I did so wrong.

WHAT is making me feel this way?

No answers. Feeling like I didnt even matter. The whole r/s was an act.


WHAT effect is it having on me?

2 months into the b/u, its easing up a bit, but its the feeling of being tossed away, abandoned, verbally and emotionally abused.

WHAT am I going to do about it?

Take back my life.

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

Become an advocate for my kids. She said some awful things about them and I need to show them that there is life after an abusive relationship, and that this abuse is not ok.

WHAT is healthy for me?

Distance. Try to regain my mental health again. Never forget this experience and use it to not repeat this situation ever again.

[fromheeltoheal]

Our power comes from how we choose to act.

I say our power comes from how we choose to think; thinking comes before feeling and acting.  We can change how we feel by changing what we make something mean.  I was in a relationship that I thought was a dream come true, but I was wrong and it turned into a nightmare.  So how can I use this moving forward?  What lessons are in what happened (plenty).  What positive and empowering things does the whole experience say about me?  What are the next steps, moving forward? 

We can shape how we think, and therefore how we feel and then act, by the questions we ask, and it's equally important to avoid bad questions like 'what's wrong with me?': if we ask questions like that our brain will come up with lots of answers, none of them empowering.  You could label all of this self-deception, self-hypnosis or something else disempowering, although we all do this all the time, ask questions to discover what things mean, and consciously directing those questions allows us to direct our mind, puts us in action instead of reaction.

[going places]

WHAT am I feeling?

A little anxious. Just a tiny tiny bit sad. (the new roof is going on, so the chances of the house selling sooner than later are much greater) But I am also a bit excited about this new adventure. When the 'sad' feelings start, I counter them with "this new adventure is going to BE AWESOME"



WHAT is making me feel this way?

The tiny tiny sad is that I have to sell the home I worked all my life to have. I put thousands of hours into the gardens etc. This used to put me on the couch, for days, now, I look at it and hope that my hard work is a blessing to someone else.



WHAT effect is it having on me?

Battle of the mind! When the sad feelings or thoughts come... .I have to battle back with all I have to smash the sad thoughts.

WHAT am I going to do about it?

Focus on the future.

I CAN NOT keep looking in the tiny rear view mirror of my past.

I MUST look thru the HUGE windshield of the future ahead of me... .

What's behind me, is behind me. And it has to stay there.



WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

Every day I grow stronger and healthier.

Getting away from him was the best thing that has happened to me since the birth of my children.

I will continue to love myself, trust myself. (Well, God is the one I trust... .)

Staying forward focused it key.

WHAT is healthy for me?

Working with my hands, creating beauty or helping, or serving.

Purging the old, be that shoes or thought patterns.

Moving... .from IN to FLA. As soon as the house sells.

Working on my business plan.

Praying, without ceasing, having open audible conversations with my Lord and Savior.

Forgiving and letting go of the 25 years of lies.

[audifan]

I was treated the same way you were. From helping her through the worst year of her life of profound anxiety, depression, a bp2 diagnosis in December, getting her into treatment, being the point person for all her doctors. She came home after 2 months in treatment and has never stabilized. 2 years unemployed, on bp2 meds yet her mood swings from being totally needy and infant like, to having very scary dreams and needing me to stay in bed with her in the mornings to comfort her all the while late for taking care of dogs, late for work, stressed, worried to death about leaving her ... .to distant and not emotionally available to me in the relationship. She's either obsessing about her Mother dying, or trying to talk professional colleagues into giving her a job. I left after she went from not being able to be alone to telling me I have to leave as she needs to learn to live on her own. (3 wks ago) ... .2 nights later, she posted a picture of her and a woman who secretly lived with her last summer 2013 during our last break up. It took 24 hours for her to contact this woman again. When I saw it, I confronted her with my feeling and also feelings of my psychologist about her BPD behavior. She had been obsessed with BPD as she felt she "dated" one in 2001. This woman refused to be in a gay relationship with her although it wasn't accepted. She became an expert on BPD and over the past 5 years, I've seen clear examples of all the traits ... .the irony. Once I confronted her and told her to stay out of my life, she has split me. No surprise. She did it in the summer of 2013 only to call me 3 months later and tell me she couldn't go on without me. I ran back. This time, it's different as I've confronted her and I know it has cut her to the core as she knows it, the therapists know it, and now, I know it. I love her enough to hope she accepts it and knows that it's ok. Whatever diagnosis is ok as long as it's addressed. I've been sick over the whole deal and it's taken all my strength to make it through each hour. I miss our life and family but I don't miss the profound disorder and living in confusion, anger, disappointment, and heartache. What a choice as I sit here alone.

[Aussie JJ]

Our power comes from how we choose to act.

I say our power comes from how we choose to think; thinking comes before feeling and acting. 

Very true, our our thoughts do direct our actions.  I was stuck for a long time with thinking of her, what I had done wrong.  All of those thoughts.  Changing those thoughts however changes how we act.  If I'm stuck thinking of the past, thinking of the mistakes I have made I dont concentrate my thoughts on the future.  From those thoughts comes the action I take. 

WHAT am I feeling?

Sad

WHAT is making me feel this way?

End of relationship. 

WHAT effect is it having on me?

Not moving forward, not looking to the future. 

WHAT am I going to do about it?

Change one thing now, do one thing for the future. 

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

re-enrol in university, finish the course I started and had to stop after our son was born. 

WHAT is healthy for me?

Securing that education and my future in a better job. 


So when we feel sad, use the above to re-frame it.  Change it from thinking sad about the past to using that energy in a constructive healthy way for happiness in the future. 

A lot of therapy is all about our thought processes, our thought processes effect our actions.  We all ask WHY pwBPD 'abandon' us.  It's a thought process.  Why do we stay stuck, because of the thought process. 

Break it down to a single thing and it is easier to start with, that is what I have found. 


AJJ. 

[Aussie JJ]

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

Become an advocate for my kids. She said some awful things about them and I need to show them that there is life after an abusive relationship, and that this abuse is not ok.

Deeno2,

I broke it down further than that myself.  I like how you have phrased it and made it positive.  For me I have things I will always do for my son.  Things that are positive.  Investring that energy into him as opposed to her is helping him.  That is making me such a better father. 

I have a few examples that are specific where I see them I have changed how I act with them. 

She is placing our son on her hip again, here comes an argument. 

WHAT am I feeling?

Anxious

WHAT is making me feel this way?

This is how arguments are started, preasure is put on me

WHAT effect is it having on me?

I am not acting, I am being stood over by this action. 

WHAT am I going to do about it?

Walk away.  Dont engage

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

I just did, I didnt start an argument or allow it infront of my son. 

WHAT is healthy for me?

I have set a good example for him by doing this. 

I never used to do this, such a basic thing, I would stand their and take the abuse.  I have changed how I think about it to a healthier acction for me and my son.  So much happier when I do this now, proud of my actions driven by healthier thought processes. 

Find an example that hurt you in the past, change it around so that you set that example for your kids.  Doing this has helped me a huge amount. 


AJJ. 

[Deeno02]

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

Become an advocate for my kids. She said some awful things about them and I need to show them that there is life after an abusive relationship, and that this abuse is not ok.

Deeno2,

I broke it down further than that myself.  I like how you have phrased it and made it positive.  For me I have things I will always do for my son.  Things that are positive.  Investring that energy into him as opposed to her is helping him.  That is making me such a better father. 

I have a few examples that are specific where I see them I have changed how I act with them. 

She is placing our son on her hip again, here comes an argument. 

WHAT am I feeling?

Anxious

WHAT is making me feel this way?

This is how arguments are started, preasure is put on me

WHAT effect is it having on me?

I am not acting, I am being stood over by this action. 

WHAT am I going to do about it?

Walk away.  Dont engage

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

I just did, I didnt start an argument or allow it infront of my son. 

WHAT is healthy for me?

I have set a good example for him by doing this. 

I never used to do this, such a basic thing, I would stand their and take the abuse.  I have changed how I think about it to a healthier acction for me and my son.  So much happier when I do this now, proud of my actions driven by healthier thought processes. 

Find an example that hurt you in the past, change it around so that you set that example for your kids.  Doing this has helped me a huge amount. 


AJJ. 

The bad thing about this is when she left be in a blaze of SH*T, she left my kids in it too. I have 2, she has 5. I treated her kids like my own, helped with all her schedules, austistic son, Destructive son and all the rest. My daughter loved her like a mother as did my son, whom she coaches on the HS volleyball team. When she said those hurtful things to me, I get it, Im an adult and it hurt like hell, but when she started in on my kids, specifically my daughter, I just looked at her like the lump of SH*T she was and walked off. I was the one having to clean up that mess with my kids. I was calm, but brutally honest with what happened. On the other side, I was never allowed to say goodbye to her kids, god knows what she told them... .I havenet seen them in 2 months, but I have my own to worry about. Big take away for my kids is that abuse can happen to anyone and you do not have to tolerate it at all.

[vortex of confusion]

WHAT am I feeling?

I am feeling sad, angry, frustrated, stupid, and trapped.

WHAT is making me feel this way?

That fact that he will never be the person that I thought he was makes me sad. I am angry at him and myself for not realizing some things sooner. We are still living together. No clear answers. My FOO. If I leave him and am alone, then that will make me vulnerable to my FOO. I had an epiphany last night and realized that I feel safer being in a crappy relationship with my husband than being without him. If he were out of the picture, my FOO would see me as fresh meat and make my life hell.

WHAT effect is it having on me?

It makes me anxious. I am keeping everything to myself because I do not want to be vulnerable to him or anyone else. Retreating into myself.


WHAT am I going to do about it?

Focus on me and what I need. Continue to try to sort things out and identify all of the issues involved. Try to emotionally detach from my husband even if we continue to share the house and coparent. Set better boundaries with everyone. Trying to break free from the FOG and identify what is real and what is based on fear.

WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

Keep working on the house. Look for more opportunities for work in the evenings and weekends. Make lists of things that I want and need.


WHAT is healthy for me?

I am still trying to figure this out. I think the thing that is most healthy for me is to keep working on untangling my thoughts. I need to figure out what my true values are. I feel like a lot of my life has been spent trying to avoid upsetting other people.

[Aussie JJ]

VoC,

I'll show what I am seeing.  For myself, small steps and lots of them got me moving.  As a whole when I was concentrating on everything it was to much.  How does this look?  If I have put it in incorrectly with italics, change it around, make it how it works for you.  Find the solution for you. 

WHAT am I feeling?

1) sad

2) angry

3) frustrated

4) powerless, you are not stupid and I wont accept you saying that you are

5) trapped

WHAT is making me feel this way?

1) That fact that he will never be the person that I thought he was makes me sad.

2) I am angry at him because _____________.

2) I am angry with myself because ______________.

3) I am frustrated because there are so many unknowns?

4) I feel powerless because I dont have a good support network?

5) I feel safer trapped being in a crappy relationship with my husband than being without him. 

WHAT effect is it having on me?

1) I am ruminating, wondering what I could have done differently. 

2) Being angry at him is making me ?.

2) Being angry at myself is making me ?.

3) I am doing nothing because there is so much to figure out, I dont know where to start. 

4) I am holding it all in, not letting it out and accepting blame for any and everything. 

5) I am not accepting it isnt healthy for me.  I am not looking to the future.  I am beleiving in a false safety. 

WHAT am I going to do about it?

1) Concentrate on the future.  i will work on the future with everything I do. 

2) I am going to use this anger towards him for something constructive. 

2) I am going to use this anger towards myself for something constructive. 

3) I will write it down each time I identify something on a macro level.  I will then solve that one issue and forget everything else until that one issue is solved. 

4) I will build a support network, I will open up and not hold it in. 

5) One step at a time I will plan my future and take those steps towards getting that future.   


Now its your turn, break it down, individual, small step.  Its such a large thing.  18? years and you want to solve it all in a day.  Small steps you will eget there. 


WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

1)

2)

2)

3)

4)

5)

WHAT is healthy for me?

1)

2)

2)

3)

4)

5)


AJJ. 

[vortex of confusion]

Thanks AJJ! I'll try this again! 

WHAT am I feeling?

1) sad

2) angry

3) frustrated

4) powerless

5) trapped

WHAT is making me feel this way?

1) That fact that he will never be the person that I thought he was makes me sad.

2) I am angry at him because I feel like he lied to me and deceived me. I gave him all of me while he gave me none of himself.

2) I am angry with myself because I allowed myself to be used. I am angry at myself for not trusting myself and my own intuition. I am angry at myself for staying so long.

3) I am frustrated because there are so many unknowns. I know I will figure things out, I just don't know how. It all seems so overwhelming.

4) I feel powerless because I have a superficial support network. Everybody says they will be there for me but when I need to talk or vent or find solutions, everybody is busy.

5) I feel safer trapped being in a crappy relationship with my husband than being without him. 

WHAT effect is it having on me?

1) I am ruminating, wondering what I could have done differently. 

2) Being angry at him is making me determined to find a way out of all of this.

2) Being angry at myself is making me have a lot of feelings of self loathing.

3) I am doing nothing because there is so much to figure out, I dont know where to start. 

4) I am holding it all in, not letting it out and accepting blame for any and everything. 

5) I am trying to accept that it isn't healthy for me, but am unable to get there because I am so overwhelmed.

6] I am not living in the present moment. I am not looking to the future.  I am beleiving in a false safety. 

WHAT am I going to do about it?

1) Concentrate on the future.  i will work on the future with everything I do. 

2) I am going to use this anger towards him for something constructive. 

2) I am going to use this anger towards myself for something constructive. 

3) I will write it down each time I identify something on a macro level.  I will then solve that one issue and forget everything else until that one issue is solved. 

4) I will build a support network, I will open up and not hold it in. 

5) One step at a time I will plan my future and take those steps towards getting that future.   


WHAT will I use this energy for to help me?

1) Start blogging and writing again.

2) Getting out of the house more.

2) Focus more on the kids.

3) Plan more fun things.

4)

5)

WHAT is healthy for me?

1) Work on building myself professionally. Try to do my best at work.

2) Help my kids sort through some of the things they are feeling as a result of the family dynamic.

3) Focus on me.

4)

5)

[Aussie JJ]

Lots and lots of small changes can add up to a big change.  Break it down each and every time. 

Never call yourself stupid either. 

Allow yourself to be a bit selfish and concentrate on yoruself as well.  To be healthy for your kidfs you have to be healthy yourself. 

Enjoy,


AJJ. 

[vortex of confusion]

Lots and lots of small changes can add up to a big change.  Break it down each and every time. 

Never call yourself stupid either. 

Allow yourself to be a bit selfish and concentrate on yoruself as well.  To be healthy for your kidfs you have to be healthy yourself. 

Thanks again!

I don't think I was calling myself stupid. I was being completely honest about how I was feeling. I sometimes FEEL very stupid. I know I am not but I do feel that way at times. How can somebody like me put up with all of this? In all other areas of my life, I feel like a very strong person/presence. I tend to have strong opinions but am very willing to see other points of view. I am educated and have always been favored at work, in classes, or other areas. I feel like a very capable person in most areas of my life. My kids joke that I must be some kind of magical unicorn because of how creative I can be. Since I have started coming out of my shell and doing more of the things that I used to do, they make lots of little comments like, "Wow mom, I didn't know you could do that." One time it was a drawing I did and another time it was me getting the stuff for Halloween costumes. (I sewed my own and found all of the perfect pieces to theirs at various thrift stores.) There are times when I will sit down and list out my accomplishments and the things that I can do to help me to not feel stupid for being with my husband for 18 years. That is genuinely how I feel.

Feelings are neither right or wrong and they don't always represent anything that is even remotely factual. If I thought that feeling stupid was the same thing as being stupid, then that might mean that I was the one with BPD.