Ignoring Facebook

[funfunctional]

My Aunt sent me a message tonight about my sister's posting on facebook.  My sister is BPD and we are NC and she defriended my family a while back.     The drama was bad and I feel sad that I am not talking to her but at peace.    She was too much for me.

She is also an alcoholic and both she and her boyfriend "co-drink/pill pop" and she is supposed to be in AA.    She posted a pic on facebook of a bottle of booze and a message of thanks to my dad and her x mother in law for the birthday gift and also stating that her b.f. is taking her to football game. 

I responded to my aunt with "I think she is trying to create drama and this is also a response to no one really acknowledging her birthday".   

Clearly seeking attention and advertising for something but I just am in no position to do it anymore.   She has chosen to co-habit with a person with many issues and I have to protect my own family... .my kids... .etc.    She also gets confrontational with me when I try to help.  "eggshell walk"

This is difficult but I am done and can't respond.   She is on her own.

Tough sounding... .I know.

[adventurer]

Good job maintaining your distance, it is hard, I know.

I have been wondering a lot about they ways social media may feed into disorders.  I see so much oversharing, passive-aggressive messages that are clearly directed at individuals that aren't specified, constant validation seeking.  I imagine that someone has already written about these issues more in depth.

In my own case, I feel that my wife spends far too much time on facebook, as if it's an addiction, and many of her conversations with me are regarding various dramas of the day regarding people and their virtual conversations who we hardly even know.  Even I have gotten out of hand once or twice in political conversations on there and said disrespectful things to people that I regretted.  I go there as little as possible now.

[jmanvo2015]

Facebook is really tough for me, too.  My uBPD mother is on there, but I block her from a lot of what I post, especially any pictures of my biological father or that side of my family.

It does sound like your sister is sending a dysfunctional message to your family and if this is a trigger for you, then I think it's a good thing she unfriended you (but how did you see it if she did - are her posts "public"?)

I do that sometimes, too.  If something or person is on my mind, I might post a quote related to the situation.  A few months ago a friend told me she was very upset by some of my "negative" quotes.  I was taken aback and suddenly felt "filtered" and like I couldn't be myself, but at the same time I was grateful for her honesty and started to think more about what I was posting and how it might be perceived.

Since you have no contact with your sister - and for good reason - I think you might be better of not looking at her page at all.  For me, sometimes if somebody is very upsetting for me,  like an ex-boyfriend, I use the "block" function in the privacy settings.  This prevents me from checking their page out of morbid curiosity and then being upset by something I see there.  So, it forces me to have the self-control I lack.  The good thing about the "block" function is that the other person doesn't know you blocked them, they just can no longer see you at all on Facebook and vice versa. So, they just might think you decided to close your Facebook account.  If, however, your enmeshed with having other family members that are connected to you both, it gets a bit more challenging, but, personally, I still think it's OK to block her - even if she knows - if seeing her posts upsets you.

[Indie]

I am beginning to come to the conclusion that FB is not healthy for me.  For business purposes, I feel I need to have a presence at this time.  I do foresee a time when I will eliminate FB from my life.

So much of it seems dysfunctional and narcissistic.  But maybe FB is simply a true reflection of the human condition?

I have a couple of acquaintances who have never been on FB or have deactivated their account after some thought.  I find I have a deep respect for them... .for their non-need to buy into constant validation of what they post about their lives, and what they do or think on a daily basis.   

Love and peace, from me.

[Panda39]

I'm sure I'm very old fashioned but I'm not on Facebook at all.  I share what I want directly with the people I want to share things with.  I communicate with email but sometimes still write actual paper letters to people.  I probably wouldn't have a cell phone if I wasn't worried about my car having a problem during my commute to work.  I don't really feel that I need to be available to all people all the time and I certainly don't have to give the world a run down of all my daily activities.  And while I'm on the subject how silly is it to see a group of people out to dinner all sitting there playing with their cell phones and not talking to each other! Texting and driving   Okay... .end of my rant 

I just think wherever possible personal contact is best and within boundaries (just because I have a cell phone doesn't mean it's okay to call me at 11:30 at night). 

I don't think facebook is necessarily evil I have a friend who has friends literally all over the world and it is a great way to stay in touch with them all as a group and I know others use it regarding their businesses.  But there is a lot of risky stuff posted out there and a lot of people hiding behind their computers (I'm hiding behind mine right now  ). 

For someone with BPD Facebook seems to be both a trigger and a tool (to post hurtful posts, to stalk people, to get attention... .)

I guess just be thoughtful about what you post yourself and be aware that you could be triggered by something you see there... .slow down... .don't instantly react.

Funfunctional, You did the right thing by not reacting/engaging regarding your sister's post.  Your sister has made her choices and it isn't your job to fix her only she can change herself/her situation.  I also want to acknowledge how painful it is watching someone you love self-destructing. Hang in there 

[funfunctional]

HI

Jmvano;   a person I am close to sent a message to me about my sister's post.  She knows that she is alcohol/addiction and was shocked to see her post a picture of a bottle of alcohol on-line and also comment that it was from two people in her life that would no way buy that for her.  I don't read her page at all... .this was a person sending me a message.    I did respond to this person by expressing my opinion that it is just to drum up drama on her part and I was igorning it.

Adventure;  it is hard but needed and thanks for the support and yes,  passive aggressive is the word.

Panda:   YOUR QUOTE:  "You did the right thing by not reacting/engaging regarding your sister's post.  Your sister has made her choices and it isn't your job to fix her only she can change herself/her situation.  I also want to acknowledge how painful it is watching someone you love self-destructing. Hang in there"

Thank you for writing this.    I have to remind myself about her choices.   It is very painful to watch.    SO PAINFUL.    I hear that song over and over "I dreamed a dream" or having a sister that could act like normal family.   She is just so negative and awful to be near and I miss her kids.    It has been heartbreaking.   Small family already that has been thru so much and she is way over the top sick.     

Indie:       I agree about FAcebook being narcisstic and dysfunctional.     

Everyone I think that Facebook has a good purpose.  People that are mentally ill or insecure or passive aggressive LOVE to use Facebook to paint an image of themselves or poke people they want to poke without going to their face and speaking to them direct.   It is a tool.   Just like a took we can use the hammer to build a house or we can use it to bash things into bits.     I think "unfollowing" people is a great way to avoid drama.   Also,  defriended or not accepting questionable people that can't seem to use the tool appropriately.   

I am sad still about my sister and holidays are a big subject already as I have to arrange early due to custody sharing.   Something good comes out of something bad and I revisited being more positive with my kids father's new wife and moved on from comments that came back to me from my kids.  Forgave & forgot.   I just am sad and tired and want to just smile and be happy.    I am able to attend sporting events and sit near their dad and his wife and get along fine.     My sister I do feel is hopeless and I am worried that I am going to get a bad call one day.     I have no control over this.

I hope I am wrong.