All mixed up inside...

[nmaciag]

Hello. I am 23 years old. My husband of almost three years was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder about a year and a half ago. Honestly, when we heard that, we both thought that they were crazy and we did not feel as though it made much sense. Well, another year and a half later, and we have come very close to a divorce and it has been a complete uphill battle just to enjoy each other.

Today I went to our marraige counseling session alone because be wouldn't go with me. He has been going, but two weeks ago we began working through an intense conflict between the two of us that required him to compromise on some things he really does not want to compromise on. During our last session, he completely shut down and wouldn't even look up at us, let alone talk. And now this session he refused to go with me.

While I had te time alone with our counselor, I was able to tell her about his diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder and right away she said, "That makes perfect sense to me." And we began discussing what that means for me and of course for us as a couple. I am feeling very mixed up inside for several reasons: I have only heard the worse about this specific disorder - that the people with narcissistic personality disorder rarely make progress because they refuse to accept there is a problem at all; I fear that I will not be able to live with someone who always thinks of themself first. I hate how this sounds but I am trusting that this will be a safe place where I can express my feelings without being judged. I fear never having children because I would not ever want them to be subjected to the pain he has caused me. I fear the reactions of family and friends who, with every good intention, will want me to leave him because I deserve better and they just couldn't stand to see me suffer a life of constant stress. Mostly, I fear the reality that he very likely may have this personality disorder and I will have to make the choice of what I know I can handle and what I can't. And I love him. I love him more than I could ever put in words, yet I can't imagine living like this forever. I was holding out hope that counseling and mentoring was going to get us out of this nightmare. Now it all seems like a big joke was played on me.

My counselor gave me the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' and I'm eating it up. I try to think positively because there are a lot of things my husband doesn't struggle with and for that I am very thankful. It doesn't make the immensity of my fear much less though.

Right now I need to know that I'm not alone. My counselor has not worked with anyone with narcissistic personality disorder before and, as I said before, I've inly heard discouraging things about it. I need to hear from someone who has been there. What have you done to make it work or did it just not work at all?

I'm excited to hear back from anyone who will respond! Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

NPD and BPD are both difficult to "cure". NPD more so, as you have said denial of there being a problem is the biggest barrier. Couple councelling rarely works as it is a blame fest that can make things worse.

You cant make him do anything to get help, but you can do a lot to prevent the devastation living with a personality disorder has on you.

Read the lessons to the right>>

Ask more questions here, and dont attempt to change everything at once. What you want to aim for is to reach a place where you can get better clarity on what you can achieve and what you can't, followed by learning what you can accept and what you can't.

All the best it is a hard path

[takingandsending]

Hi nmaciag.

I'd like to join waverider and welcome you to a supporting group of folks who can at least point you in the right directions. You are in the right place to be safe in expressing the sorts of emotions that you are experiencing and to learn about your own role in the dynamics of your marriage. 

I am glad that you are reading SWOE and really also recommend the accompanying workbook, as doing the exercises, writing out how this illness is affecting your life and practicing how you can create boundaries and maintain your own health and sanity is really imperative. It's evident from your post that you have given this a great deal of thought and consideration, and I really want to commend you on learning about the BPD/NPD illness early in your marriage. That is a huge help.

I have been married to my uBPDw for 15 years (together for 17.5 years), and I only just learned about her condition from our marriage counselor this year. It is challenging and difficult being married to someone that has this illness, and there are a lot of changes that you may have to make in how and where you choose to express your truth, how much awareness and empathy you have to bring to your communication, and how sometimes, the kindest thing that you can do is to have strong, consistent boundaries and not react.

The Lessons on the right are really the starting place for developing strategies for coping with your husband's illness. I have supplemented what I am learning here with attending NAMI Family Support classes. I have come to accept that my wife's condition truly is a mental illness, and I am going through the assorted stages of response to that realization. You are not alone, and what you are experiencing is familiar to so many who live with pwBPD/NPD.

Please do continue to post here often, and especially if you have specific questions or difficulties getting the hang of some of the communication tools. It isn't easy, it takes time, and you aren't supposed to get everything right or perfect. We are all just works in progress, and our spouses or SO's are just not as far along as they (or us) want them to be.

Hope to hear from you again.