child of a mother with BPD who is now raising a child of their own

[newbeginning09]

I am new to this website & wanted some insight on my current life. I am a survivor of mother with BPD who is now raising a child. I have always been aware my childhood was not normal. I just wasn't able to identify what the problem was until about 6 years ago. I married my soul mate & realized my BPD tendencies, I had aquired through a lifetime of exposure, were interfering with our relationship. I knew I needed to take action & start to reverse the damage of what the last 26 years of living with a BPD mother had done. I also made it my life's mission to never allow history to repeat itself on my future children. No human being, especially a vulnerable child, should ever have to live a life like that!

I started therapy & meds to control my severe anxiety & depression. Therapy opened my eyes to my own flaws as well as gave an explanation to my anxiety & depression, helping me begin to heal by understanding the childhood I experienced. That helped to put everything in perspective. My spouse noticed a significant change in me. I finally felt like I could experience a normal relationship; the life I had always dreamed of having.

Three years ago I had my daughter. She is exactly who I was before I lost my identity; smart, confidant, curious and full of life & personality. My mother did not like these characteristics & worked very hard to extinguish that fire inside me. This is something I NEVER want to do to her & honestly, I couldn't imagine ever making her feel less of a person for any reason. I love everything about her & want to preserve all of it so that she grows up to be the woman she is meant to be.

Sorry for my long explanation but I wanted to give a general background to receive the support I am looking for. I hope to be able to return that support as well.

Question: Is there anyone out there with similar experiences raising young children & how do you ensure each day that you are not damaging your child through any adaptive parenting?

[Ziggiddy]

Hi newbeginning and welcome to the forum.

I too have a BPD mother and suffered for so many years from 'fleas' (carryover learned behaviour from BPD)

Like you I was determined to make the best life I could for my girls. unlike you I didn't know about the BPD till they were older (10 and 7)

It is a difficult job to be a good parent and seems even harder in the face of a) not having had a good example growing up of how a mother should be and b) not having a normal mother to guide you through and help you raise your baby.

I am really impressed that you are so committed to making things the best you can - the therapy and taking on a new emotional health regime are so commendable.

All I can really offer as advice is this: trust your instinct. You know already what NOT to do, right?

Hang out with as many normal mothers as you can and carefully observe what they do. Don't be afraid to ask them if they think you are going off track. And don't be afraid to reject advice if it doesn't ring true to you.

I recall over and over thinking other mothers were so indulgent to their children but eventually learned that no, that is actually normal!

Also don't go too far in trying to NOT recreate your own childhood. Pick the things out of it that were good as it is so helpful for a child to have some family traditions.

I also found it useful to try and focus on the positive things about my mother to my kids so that they can see that human beings are more than the sum of their emotional illness.

Above all ABOVE ALL be forgiving to yourself. A relaxed mother is the safe place from which your daughter can go forth and explore her world.

best of luck! And do let us know what develops

Ziggiddy

[estelithil]

I'm pregnant with my first child and I am worried about parenting him/her too. This was a surprise pregnancy (very much wanted though) as I have always been terrified of having children - how on earth can I be a good mum if I didnt have a good example? All I know if that I don't want to do what she did to us.

I'm so glad I found this board and am able to work through all this before my baby is born. I feel now like I have a plan and good support.

I think that the fact you recognised issues within yourself and have actively worked toward healing speaks volumes about the good mother you are. I hope that I can have the same ability to self reflect when it comes to my child.

[aubin]

I recall over and over thinking other mothers were so indulgent to their children but eventually learned that no, that is actually normal!

Yes, this has been central to my experience as a parent too. I've had to actively learn what is normal and to learn to NOT feel guilty for openly loving my child, showing him affection, etc. For me, this has also meant not having contact with my uBPD mother as I haven't figured out how to set good boundaries with her and at this point it's more important that I set a good example for my son (which means not being in boundary-busting situations with my mother).

A lot of parenting advice tells you to "trust your instincts." As the adult child of a uBPD mother, I realized that my instincts were either not so good, or were so buried beneath years of shaming, second-guessing, and overriding. So I've really had to learn what makes a good and normal parent while at the same time learning to find those hidden instincts in me.