Strange Facebook behaviour? Trying to make sense of it.

[Butterfly44]

Hello again,

Thank you for all the replies to my previous thread; it helped me feel I was not alone.

I've gone NC & am finding it really, really difficult. I've deleted everything I can in relation to my ex to help myself heal but there is something I can't do anything about. Over a year ago my ex deactivated her Facebook account. She said it was because she was sick of being "hit on" online by people & all the drama it caused (which I now am not even sure was true). As some of you have read from my previous post, my ex has cut off all contact with me, has refused to answer any of my texts etc... .she just disappeared.

The weird thing is, it was my birthday recently & I logged into my account to read my birthday messages. All of a sudden there she was; online with the same photos & profile picture that was there when she closed it. There was nothing new at all from last year. My heart sank as I thought she'd re-opened her account and was going to be on there again. I knew the best thing for me in that case was to block her so I took a deep breath & went to hit block. She'd suddenly gone again. I figured she'd got there first & felt awful for a while but then asked my friend to see if he could find her (stupid I know) but I wanted to know what the case was for my own sanity. He couldn't find her either. She had obviously deactivated her account again? I was shocked by this & it really threw me. What I had noticed when her account did pop up on FB was that we were still "Friends"? She was only on there for a few minutes before disappearing again & I wasn't quick enough to block her while she was there.

What is she doing & why? Has anyone else had this weird situation? I now cannot block her or delete her as I now can't find her again to do it. It seems she's dipping in & out of Facebook & taking a look whenever she feels like it? We have been apart now for almost 2 months & yet in all that time she hasn't removed me as a "friend" on her account. It's really messed my head up? As I said, the day I saw her on there was my birthday which I don't feel was just a coincidence.

Although she refuses to respond to anything I've sent, why is she deactivating & re activating her account & being sneaky almost "spying" on my life when she feels like it? Is it typical of the behaviour of a pwBPD? If she doesn't give a damn about me or my life then why is she doing this? I don't want to close my account too as I have many overseas friends I like to keep easily in contact with.

It's left my head even more messed up than it was. Is this some strange way of trying to keep some connection with me even though she's ignored any previous attempts I've made to talk?

I'm really confused again. What is she doing? 

[Blimblam]

It's going to take time to begin to make sense of this.

It takes time for the heart to catch up with the logical side of the mind. 

I highly reconnect you read through all the lessons and articles the site has to offer. 

It may not make sense even once you have gained a logical understanding of it. The emotions and pain have to be experienced to catch up with the logical mind. 

Of particular interest to me to make sense of the whys you speak of is the concept of splitting. Black and white thinking. What helped me make sense of splitting is the concept of the compartmentaliZed personality.  A pwBPD is trying to avoid feeling shame, so they compartmentalize their shame and project it outwards then run away from it. But the their is another compartment of their personality that does care about you.  Depending on where she is in herself and her needs she may have found a new place to project her shame and run away from this may cause her to split you white and the part of her that cares wants to reunite with you. 

For her it is about her meeting her needs. She is testing the waters to see if you can be that person for her again, possibly. 

It is a pattern and can be very painful to the other party which would be you.  It is a petter  she repeats over and over.

Do you want to continue in the dysfunctional dance that is this pattern she repeats over and over?

Does being apart of this pattern meet your emotional needs in a healthy way?

[guy4caligirl]

Blimblam,

Thank you for posting this remarkable post !

I agree with 100 % I came to realize that we hurt ourselves more and more to try to understand their moves texts or emails etc .

I think we can never read what's their intentions or motives as they are so wrapped up in that Borderline circle in their brain . It's hard to penetrate in , that fort of theirs no one is allowed there but them .

I say Do not try to justify why do they act do the things they do let them be and concentrate on yourself Haha (Look who's talking !) I bet you a month ago before joining , I had no idea I could write that  !

I now see the light .

I hope we all continue reading after the winter springs comes ... .

[guy4caligirl]

It's going to take time to begin to make sense of this.

It takes time for the heart to catch up with the logical side of the mind. 

I highly reconnect you read through all the lessons and articles the site has to offer. 

It may not make sense even once you have gained a logical understanding of it. The emotions and pain have to be experienced to catch up with the logical mind. 

Of particular interest to me to make sense of the whys you speak of is the concept of splitting. Black and white thinking. What helped me make sense of splitting is the concept of the compartmentaliZed personality.  A pwBPD is trying to avoid feeling shame, so they compartmentalize their shame and project it outwards then run away from it. But the their is another compartment of their personality that does care about you.  Depending on where she is in herself and her needs she may have found a new place to project her shame and run away from this may cause her to split you white and the part of her that cares wants to reunite with you. 

For her it is about her meeting her needs. She is testing the waters to see if you can be that person for her again, possible

It is a pattern and can be very painful to the other party which would be you.  It is a petter  she repeats over and over.

Do you want to continue in the dysfunctional dance that is this pattern she repeats over and over?

Does being apart of this pattern meet your emotional needs in a healthy way?

Can you please elaborate more about the part you said "a pwBPD is trying to avoid feeling shame ... .Until the end of the paragraph ?

[GuiltHaunted]

My ex is doing the same... .Deactivating/reactivating her FB all the time. We are not friends anymore thought, and her Facebook profile is set completely private - not even her real name or a profile picture, and no one can see her friends list either.

This is my only remaining problem, that I keep peeking. It's like a compulsion, that I have to do a daily peek, to see if she "is still alive".

I am sure it has nothing to do with me though. She was weird about Facebook and privacy for the 31/2 years we were together. And had 3 different accounts during our time together. The de/re-activation thing of her current account started 6 months ago (18 months since breakup), so I am guessing it has rather to do with the replacement, or something/someone else pissing her off (easy to do).

During the de/re-activation, she accidentally (I assume, messing up which email address to use) reactivated one of the 2 other old accounts. And to my shock and horror there was a friendship request from her, from that account. When the shock had calmed, I realized we had had a fight years ago, and the she de-friended me and added my again. I refused to accept the new friendship request (because I was angry she had deleted me), so she disabled to account and made the present one (that she is now deactivating all the time). It was this years old friendship request, that all of a sudden popped up. It took me a while to figure that out. In the meantime I was curious and had accepted, when friends with this account, I could see pictures of me and her together, comments about me on her timeline etc... .MAN that was weird, like stepping into a time capsule, and going back to a time where we were living together - last comment on her wall, was that she was looking forward to my mother visiting us.  

Anyway, I deleted the friendship again after a week, as there was no activity or response to me accepting her request. Hence, the assumption that she had activated it by mistake. It has not been deactivated either, so I am guessing she just logged in with the wrong e-mail, and quickly logged out again, forgetting to deactivate it again.

BUT, yes weird Facebook behavior seems to be the norm. My guess depending on their personality, ranging from extremely exhibitionistic to the completely closed off paranoia. BLACK or WHITE  

[GuiltHaunted]

... .oh the point: Assume that what ever she does, it has NOTHING to do with "you". And is all about HER.

[Blimblam]

It's going to take time to begin to make sense of this.

It takes time for the heart to catch up with the logical side of the mind. 

I highly reconnect you read through all the lessons and articles the site has to offer. 

It may not make sense even once you have gained a logical understanding of it. The emotions and pain have to be experienced to catch up with the logical mind. 

Of particular interest to me to make sense of the whys you speak of is the concept of splitting. Black and white thinking. What helped me make sense of splitting is the concept of the compartmentaliZed personality.  A pwBPD is trying to avoid feeling shame, so they compartmentalize their shame and project it outwards then run away from it. But the their is another compartment of their personality that does care about you.  Depending on where she is in herself and her needs she may have found a new place to project her shame and run away from this may cause her to split you white and the part of her that cares wants to reunite with you. 

For her it is about her meeting her needs. She is testing the waters to see if you can be that person for her again, possible

It is a pattern and can be very painful to the other party which would be you.  It is a petter  she repeats over and over.

Do you want to continue in the dysfunctional dance that is this pattern she repeats over and over?

Does being apart of this pattern meet your emotional needs in a healthy way?

Can you please elaborate more about the part you said "a pwBPD is trying to avoid feeling shame ... .Until the end of the paragraph ?

A person with BPD is always trying to avoid their pain and inner shame.  So if theirs is something they are doing they feel ashamed of they will find someone doing that and split them black, that person is bad for doing that not me. They always need to have someone split black.  That person may not even be around and if that person is gone for too long they will find someone new to split black.  This is the compartment of their personality that feels shame and it gets projected.  Then their is the part of their personality that wants to be loved and experience pleasure.  This is made available to the person who is split white.  As long as you are split white you can be sure they are having dram with someone somewhere who is split black. At a certain point in the RS if we get too close or too far their fear of abandonment or engulfment kicks in and triggers the disorder and we are split black.  They then seek out a replacement someone to attach to and split white.  When they are begining to have doubts with the replacement they may test the waters with an old attachment to see if the opportunity is their to attach again and once they split their current attachment black we are split white and open to a recycle. 

All in all very dysfunctional!

With enough time away and study the patterns can take on an understandable sort of logic.  This may delude us into thinking we can control it.  The problem is if we love them we will get hurt.  The amount of energy it would take to maintain it is draining and not healthy.

[GuiltHaunted]

A couple more things... .

During the 18 months apart (10 months NC now, except for me peeking at her Facebook, where all I see is the de/re-activating). In the first 8 months we had on/off NC. Longest 2 months, during that time I blocked her. When we resumed contact, she asked me several times if I had closed my Facebook account and why I had done it (I avoided to answer her at first)!

So obviously, she was "stalking" my account (how else would she know I had blocked her), even though we weren't Facebook friends anymore. That, all along being euphoric in a new relationship with my replacement, with whom she is still together and from what I know, want to marry and have kids with. <- See it has nothing to do with me per se. Hence, just because that she is curious about what is happening on your wall at your birthday, doesn't necessarily mean:

Blimblam:

She is testing the waters to see if you can be that person for her again, possible

Sorry if your were hoping for that. I know I did and to an extent still do.

Second thing is just a funny anecdote. We fought a lot about Facebook. She wanted me to put that I was in a relationship with her and I wouldn't for several reasons:

1) She was a work colleague, and all though most other colleagues knew, I didn't want to put it "out there" for all to see.

2) She didn't use her real name and had no profile picture. I didn't want to be in a relationship with "an invisible fictive" Facebook profile

3) During the 31/2 years together, we had so many fight, that I didn't want to have my relationships problems public (I could imagine the many times the relationship would be broken/reestablished on Facebook for all to see).

... So we had tons of arguments about that subject "why can't you commit to me like a normal person, and change you relationship status to 'in a relationship'?" - she would nag (mind you I had no status at all, not single either - I never filled that field on Facebook).

ANYWAY, the funny part is that the replacement has a album cover as profile picture. It's a heavy metal band called "Type O Negative", and the album cover is "Bloody Kisses", featuring two girls kissing each other (google it! ). I am sure she is thrilled! She has probably asked him to change the picture a million times, spawning a million arguments. I couldn't commit, because I didn't want to change my relationship status, but he is having a picture of two girls kissing? HAHA

Good for him sticking his grounds.

[Blimblam]

... .oh the point: Assume that what ever she does, it has NOTHING to do with "you". And is all about HER.

Yeah. This is something that I had to realize.  Although I still think they make choices to mess with the heads of their former attachments and even their current ones. But again it is about them and not us.  It's always about having other people meet their needs. 

[Raybo48]

Hello again,

Thank you for all the replies to my previous thread; it helped me feel I was not alone.

I've gone NC & am finding it really, really difficult. I've deleted everything I can in relation to my ex to help myself heal but there is something I can't do anything about. Over a year ago my ex deactivated her Facebook account. She said it was because she was sick of being "hit on" online by people & all the drama it caused (which I now am not even sure was true). As some of you have read from my previous post, my ex has cut off all contact with me, has refused to answer any of my texts etc... .she just disappeared.

The weird thing is, it was my birthday recently & I logged into my account to read my birthday messages. All of a sudden there she was; online with the same photos & profile picture that was there when she closed it. There was nothing new at all from last year. My heart sank as I thought she'd re-opened her account and was going to be on there again. I knew the best thing for me in that case was to block her so I took a deep breath & went to hit block. She'd suddenly gone again. I figured she'd got there first & felt awful for a while but then asked my friend to see if he could find her (stupid I know) but I wanted to know what the case was for my own sanity. He couldn't find her either. She had obviously deactivated her account again? I was shocked by this & it really threw me. What I had noticed when her account did pop up on FB was that we were still "Friends"? She was only on there for a few minutes before disappearing again & I wasn't quick enough to block her while she was there.

What is she doing & why? Has anyone else had this weird situation? I now cannot block her or delete her as I now can't find her again to do it. It seems she's dipping in & out of Facebook & taking a look whenever she feels like it? We have been apart now for almost 2 months & yet in all that time she hasn't removed me as a "friend" on her account. It's really messed my head up? As I said, the day I saw her on there was my birthday which I don't feel was just a coincidence.

Although she refuses to respond to anything I've sent, why is she deactivating & re activating her account & being sneaky almost "spying" on my life when she feels like it? Is it typical of the behaviour of a pwBPD? If she doesn't give a damn about me or my life then why is she doing this? I don't want to close my account too as I have many overseas friends I like to keep easily in contact with.

It's left my head even more messed up than it was. Is this some strange way of trying to keep some connection with me even though she's ignored any previous attempts I've made to talk?

I'm really confused again. What is she doing?  

In situations like this FB makes it really hard to stay NC, and it does mess with your mind.  Social media does us no favors when we are trying to break away from a BPD... My exBPDf has made a career out of deactivating her account and reactivating it so this didn't surprise me to see what you were talking about.  If you were friends on there before she deactivated it it's logical that you still are when she reactivated it.   There are settings on FB that make it difficult to locate someone so it may not mean she deactivated it again, but maybe.   Is she messing with you, I think so because it's very reminiscent on what went on with me and my ex on and off for over two years with Facebook.  

About 3 or 4 weeks ago I sent a text to my exBPDf that had one word "HI".  We are no longer Facebook friends, but she has global settings so it's easy to look (which I refuse to do now since I'm desperately trying to stay NC) and after I sent that text I looked at her Facebook.   She was talking on there about being on a dating site and there was another post on there a week or so prior to that, which would lead you to believe she may have been involved with someone.   Anyway, suddenly her account was no longer there and had been deactivated.  Then about an hour later it was active and those posts were gone.  The moral of that story is she didn't want me to see what was on her page until she modified it...  

Don't let Facebook drive you crazy because it can very easily mess with your mind and keep you living in their head instead of your own.  

[Springle]

ANYWAY, the funny part is that the replacement has a album cover as profile picture. It's a heavy metal band called "Type O Negative", and the album cover is "Bloody Kisses", featuring two girls kissing each other (google it! ). I am sure she is thrilled! She has probably asked him to change the picture a million times, spawning a million arguments. I couldn't commit, because I didn't want to change my relationship status, but he is having a picture of two girls kissing? HAHA

Good for him sticking his grounds.

They seem very controlling, though the two girls kissing is pretty hilarious! I understand what you mean about not changing your r/s status too, I've decided that in the future I think I am going to leave mine off; just don't see how it's the whole Internet's business, the people who need to know will know from me anyway.

I've noticed my non-ex doing loads and LOADS of strange things on FB which I am sure is being dictated by his dBPDgf.

He was a pretty regular FB user when we were together, would check on his phone multiple times a day etc and now he seems to be barely on at all (though we are not Friends on FB anyway). He's deactivated/re-activated his account several times, every time telling others it's because he 'doesn't use it much' which is a load if he is then going to keep coming back. I noticed he put up a profile pic from a holiday they went on which was of just him and within about an hour it changed to another holiday snap but this time of the pair of them; it was an unflattering shot though and they both look disgruntled. A few months ago, just before one of the times he de-activated it changed again to another shot of just him. Other than that one holiday shot he has NO pictures of the pair of them as far as I can see, a little embarrassed perhaps? Or maybe his more self adsorbed side. Strangely he still has quite a few pics of him and I together :S.

She's got her account on lock down (as have I too to be fair) but a friend of mine managed to find it once (she's blocked me, because clearly I am the one at fault to all the drama that happened hah) and nearly all of it was selfies. Every single picture was of her doing a kissy face or stick out tongue, and when she was just smiling it was like her eyes were completely glazed over and disconnected. There are quite a few pics of her and my ex together on her account, she's always getting all cuddling with him and he's just... .there. All her profile pics of the last year have been of the pair of them but her most recent one is of just her which I find a little strange. She's got My Little Pony or something as her cover image and I notice she does a lot of pointless one word comments that just say 'Cute', '', '', 'yum'... .like there is absolutely no insight into anything.

Not going to lie. Find their FB activity kind of fascinating.

[GuiltHaunted]

Not going to lie. Find their FB activity kind of fascinating.

So do I, and I guess that is a part of the reason I am still checking up on her. After 18 months and 10 month NC, I am not really missing her anymore. I mean in the daily routine. I have a great life now.

I still miss the idea of her, what could have been and a gf in general. Preferably a sane one, which is why I am very picky now. 

[SickofMe]

I met my X on FB and he broke up with me via FB msg by telling me he was changing his r/s status and didn't want to talk about.  This was a longish r/s (2.5 yrs) and I thought we were really serious.

Since then, he and I have both been playing monkey games.  I deleted and blocked him, later on I unblocked, then he blocked, then he unblocked, etc. etc.  We have 76 mutual friends and a lot of heavy FB users in our networks so it is very hard not to see what he's doing... .and even harder not to snoop.

Yesterday, I blocked again after a week or so of "open access" bc I realized I was obsessively following his posts and looking for clues, etc. etc. and I'm tired of feeling like a basket case.

Within 30 minutes, he emailed me and said "I see you have blocked me again" and proceeded to apologize for being mean to me, made some flimsy excuses, and tried to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him.

I've decided to stay "blocked" and didn't engage with the email enticement and am hoping I can quit obsessing.  FB has made it a million times worse and I see that I'm as crazy as he is, in this regard (although I am not and have never been hateful, cold, or abusive toward him).

Embarrassing to think that FB would cause such turmoil (I'm a grown up!) but there you have it.

[rickdeckard]

My ex is a Facebook addict. I got a flurry of obsessive texts within 3 hours of blocking her. I kinda look at it every once in a while now because it is somewhat fascinating to me as well. She and replacement are having a regular 3 ring circus of blocking, unblocking, activating, deactivating, name changing, picture changing, r/s status changing etc. It makes no sense to me and I cant begin to understand it. Bit I cant understand why monkeys do things either - still interesting though.

My favourite FB moment with the ex was when she was asking me about my previous GFs. Of course everyone on the FB friends list was suspect, even though its mostly coworkers. She asked me about "that blonde girl". I asked which one, she didn't specify but insisted that she had seen I was in a relationship with "that blonde girl" on FB - in 2005. When I pointed out that FB hadnt gone public until 2006 she dropped it. LOL.

[rickdeckard]

Wow, SickofMe, I was typing that at the same time you were. Really odd, out posts match up rather well :D.

[Springle]

Oh GOD the de-activating/reactivating, even when I actually consider my ex's new dBPDgf a friend she would be constantly going off and on FB. Really really frustrating and I just don't get it; it's attention seeking and drama producing. I've only deactivated once and it's when I heard the pair were going out, I just needed some time away from seeing their smug faces, only time will tell if they learnt/will learn their lessons.

I think she de-activated for a bit just before they went FB public with their relationship, or maybe that was just her blocking me? Either way is was REALLY cowardly, I thought that was one of the worst things about the whole situation, how she hasn't even go the morals to face me and answer for the betrayal - just hides away instead, I'd almost LOVE to bump into her in the street in a way cos then she would be forced to look me in the eye and cough up her reasons. In all fairness the non-ex is the same, not a word since then, not one word, tbh though I think it would be her manipulation of him in that case.

The other thing I notice is the 'inspirational' quotes they always put up or use as cover pics. I like a good quote as much as the next person but they are always cheesy, fantastical, flimsy, no basis in reality and 9 times out of 10 are from someone just as nuts like Marilyn Monroe. I am really suspicious of anyone who posts that kind of stuff now if I'm honest.

[Raybo48]

Oh GOD the de-activating/reactivating, even when I actually consider my ex's new dBPDgf a friend she would be constantly going off and on FB. Really really frustrating and I just don't get it; it's attention seeking and drama producing. I've only deactivated once and it's when I heard the pair were going out, I just needed some time away from seeing their smug faces, only time will tell if they learnt/will learn their lessons.

I think she de-activated for a bit just before they went FB public with their relationship, or maybe that was just her blocking me? Either way is was REALLY cowardly, I thought that was one of the worst things about the whole situation, how she hasn't even go the morals to face me and answer for the betrayal - just hides away instead, I'd almost LOVE to bump into her in the street in a way cos then she would be forced to look me in the eye and cough up her reasons. In all fairness the non-ex is the same, not a word since then, not one word, tbh though I think it would be her manipulation of him in that case.

The other thing I notice is the 'inspirational' quotes they always put up or use as cover pics. I like a good quote as much as the next person but they are always cheesy, fantastical, flimsy, no basis in reality and 9 times out of 10 are from someone just as nuts like Marilyn Monroe. I am really suspicious of anyone who posts that kind of stuff now if I'm honest.

Soo true Springle.  That's ALL my exBPDf does is post 'inspirational posts' on her FB, but isn't even close to 'that person' or the 'fantasy' the post is referring to.  She's also into a crazy amount of selfies lately.  In my humble opinion if a BPD is on FB all the time it's to create a 'false self' image for all her "friends" that have no clue who he/she is. 

I'm trying to stay NC so I don't look now, but if I did 5 years from now it would be no different.  My exBPDf is all about the attention from the countless amounts of guy friends on there and she will never admit to being involved with anyone.  No pictures of herself with any guy, and the relationship status is ALWAYS single.  When we were together she kept me a big secret on there and when I would ask her I got "it's only Facebook"...    Ya, ok.