Don't know if I am strong Enough to do the Work

[Dexter0420]

Sorry in advance if I ramble and seem a little incoherent, but that's how I feel right now.

I am an adult child of a uBPDm (only recently being able to put a label to her condition) and in addition to seeking advice here, I have been reading Surviving a BPD Parent.  I am only about a third of the way through and although it has been extremely helpful in putting a name to the experiences I had as a child (emotional incest and fog), I am finding the work more and more difficult.  Some incidents in my childhood are extremely vivid, while I have huge gaps I don't remember at all.  Trying to remember is so mentally exhausting.  Truth be told, I have thought for years that I was a victim of sexual abuse as a toddler (I won't get into the why) and although I don't think it was necessarily at the hands of my mother, I am afraid that by doing this work I am going to unearth things I don't want to remember... .like maybe my mind is trying to protect me and not hinder me.  Whenever I start to experience a moment of clarity, it falls apart and I'm left with more confusion than I started with. 

More than anything I would like a healthy relationship with my mother.  I have never had that.  There was never "mother daughter days".  Seriously, we never had time just the two of us until I was married with a child of my own. Instead, only jealousy over my relationship with my father... .like I have to choose (they have been married 44 years and it has always been this way). I think I've known for a long time now that I will never have the relationship with her that I want... .that I NEED, but I guess she will never truly get from me what she wants either as long as she's not seeking treatment for herself.

Her birthday is next week and this and Mother's Day is always the hardest.  Not the day itself - it's the picking out the damn card that I find so hard because Hallmark doesn't make one for us, now do they?

As always, thanks for listening.

[Kwamina]

Sorry in advance if I ramble and seem a little incoherent, but that's how I feel right now.

Don't worry about it, you were just as incoherent as the rest of us  But on a more serious note, you articulated quite well what you're feeling and I think many of us will be able to relate to you. My own mother's birthday and Mother's Day are also the two days I struggle with most. I never found Mother's Day pleasant but a few years ago I experienced a double 'Witch' attack by my uBPD mom and sis and ever since I only dislike Mother's Day even more. Same thing with my mother's birthday, many years ago I was subjected to an all out Witch-attack by her on the eve of her birthday. Picking out a card can be a very time consuming activity. No matter what you choose, it can lead to an incident. My advice would be to buy a neutral card without any sentimental message on it, but even then you still never know what the reaction might be.

I am afraid that by doing this work I am going to unearth things I don't want to remember... .like maybe my mind is trying to protect me and not hinder me.  Whenever I start to experience a moment of clarity, it falls apart and I'm left with more confusion than I started with.  

Doing this work and trying to process these kind of memories isn't easy at all. Perhaps you should slow it down a bit now. Sometimes it's best to take some time and wait until you're ready before you proceed to the next level of remembering and processing what happens to you. Are you perhaps also seeing a therapist to help you deal with your past?

More than anything I would like a healthy relationship with my mother.  I have never had that.  There was never "mother daughter days".  Seriously, we never had time just the two of us until I was married with a child of my own. Instead, only jealousy over my relationship with my father... .like I have to choose (they have been married 44 years and it has always been this way). I think I've known for a long time now that I will never have the relationship with her that I want... .that I NEED

Accepting this is very hard. You seem to know on a rational level that you're mother will probably never be the mother you always wanted and needed, especially if she doesn't seek treatment for herself. Truly accepting this reality is much harder than just rationally knowing it because this involves letting go of the fantasy parent and accepting the reality of who your mother really is. Do you feel like you've been able to let go of the fantasy and truly accept the reality of your mother having BPD and what this means for the kind of relationship you can have with her?

[Harri]

Hi Dexter.  I am sorry you are having such a hard time with this.  This is very hard work and sometimes it is best to slow down and just take it bits at a time.  There is no rush and, like you noted, your mind will protect you regarding stuff you are not quite ready to uncover yet.  The thing is, you still need to be careful of how far you push and poke around.  Are you seeing a counselor?  It helps to have someone to bounce things off of and for support and encouragement.  In the past, when I began work on some of the big stuff, I made sure to get counseling so that I had a strong support network and I found it not only helpful but comforting as well to know that if/when I uncovered something big, I had a person to lean on.  It made a world of difference when I did uncover stuff I did not *want* to remember but needed to remember.

As for wanting a healthy relationship with your mother, I think it depends on how you define healthy.  It is very possible that you will be able to be in her presence and not allow the emotional incest and FOG to overcome you, but again, that is something that comes over time as you gain understanding of BPD and by changing how you interact with her (for example, responding rather than reacting and continuing on in the same role you have always had).  If you are hoping to have a typical mother daughter relationship that is mutually satisfying and respectful... .well, as you said the chances of that happening are non-existent if she does not get help for herself.  You can, however, greatly improve communication by using the tools mentioned here (JADE, SET).  Boundaries do work but they take time and you have to be consistent.  Also, be sure to check out the discussions on the karpman triangle (forgive me if you have already worked on these things.  I have been away from the boards and so I am not caught up on who has worked on what here.)

With cards, it is soo hard!  When my mother was alive, I got to the point of not giving her any card.  I was unable to find anything that said what i wanted and would still be nice enough to give.  Plus she used to say "why give me a card/gift on a special day if you treat me like crap the rest of the year" and then she would start a freaking war.  Since her idea of being treated nicely violated my rights as a human being and were damaging to me, I simply stopped giving her cards/gifts for anything (besides, she would actually get angry and start ___ with *any* gift I gave her... .as a kid and a teen I found this devastating).  I did not feel good when I did not give her a card/gift and I could tell she felt hurt, but at least I was not opening myself up to her abuse.  There really is no good solution and there is no right thing to do.  all we can do is act and respond in ways that honor ourselves.  I know some people here have talked about buying a blank card and writing their own message.  It could be as simple as "Happy Birthday! love, Harri"

Dexter, you *are* strong enough to do the work.  You already are doing the work, your being here proves that.  If you are tired and feeling overwhelmed with all the info it is only because this is a lot to take in but you have already done the hardest part (recognizing that there is a problem!).  It does not mean you are not strong enough.  You know when you decide to clean out the basement or garage and at one point you have a huge mess in front of you but in the end you get a nice neat and organized space without a lot of junk in it that is no longer useful or is not a good fit anymore?  Well, working on this stuff is the same thing.  You will gain a sense of peace and understanding about your past and it will make sense to you as you continue to do the work.  Having moments of clarity followed by confusion are a normal part of the process.  Keep telling yourself that rather than telling yourself you are not strong enough.  

(cross-posted with Kwamina  )

[Dexter0420]

Thank you both for your comments and support. 

I don't think I want a lot from my mom, other than for her not to try and pit me against my father and to be so hateful if I don't take her side.  To not think of me as the enemy if I have a differing opinion on a subject.   To not think that if you buy me something that means you love me.  To respect my boundaries for both me AND my children.  Clearly, this is not something she has been able to do, so I have to find another way to be able to have a relationship with her.

My husband and I were in counseling for a brief period a few years ago and I sometimes go back to our therapist for a tune up.  I have decided to see someone who specializes in BPD issues and have my first appointment this week.  I have never spoken of some memories until a few days ago but those incidents have had a huge impact on my life.  If I am to get better, I have to confront them.  I hope to gain tools to deal with my mother so we can have some sort of relationship but more so, I think I need to work on me.  Hopefully by being stronger and coming to terms with the past, I will get to where I need to be.

Thank you again.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Dexter!

I wholeheartedly second the comments of Harri and Kwamina. It's okay to slow down and take it as you can. When you first discover the truth of what BPD means to you, it is often overwhelming. I know it was to me. I also wondered if I'd ever be strong enough to face memories that are/were buried. Initially I ran from a lot of memories because it wasn't the right time to face them. T has helped me so much and been the support I needed to help me process the memories. When the right time came, I have been able to face them as they came/come up. I try to not dig them up but let them surface when they will, and it is amazing how our mind releases them when we are more able to handle them.

You are so much stronger than you know you are! You are strong to just get where you are today! Don't ever doubt that. One thing that BPD survivors learn is resilience, and that will help you to keep going forward.

Keep us posted!

Woolspinner