Stings like hell hearing about the new guy

[BlackandBlue]

I'm right there with you. I've had a bad few days myself. I've cried a few times today... .it sucks. I was doing much better until yesterday I heard about my replacement from someone I work with. I knew she had a new boyfriend but when I heard his name and it was a name I saw in her phone right before we broke up... .it stung like hell... .it still does. I know I'm not ready for a new relationship but I wish I had a new girlfriend. Someone just to take away the pain. Maybe a good friend... .I have nobody.

[BlackandBlue]

I guess one on the mods moved this to it own post altogether instead of a reply to an another.

[rizi78]

bro take it easy i can understand the pain you going through , just take your time start a gym or exercise plan focus on yourself , in these kind of situations living well is the best revenge just focus on yourself , few more weeks you will feel better and will move on and dont worry about her after some months she will contact you back .

[Hawk Ridge]

As bad as this sounds, I sometimes take solace in knowing my replacement will get the same treatment I did - the cycling moods, the emotional abuse, and then the discard.  I am not proud of feeling that way

[BlackandBlue]

I try to take it easy on myself but sometimes I just break down. We broke up way back toward the end of march and and I have been NC since mid june and im still dealing with the up's and downs. I honestly don't think she will ever try and contact me. She was so mean and nasty after the breakup. One of the last things she said was she doesn't like me or anything I stand for. Doesn't make sense... .I'm a really good guy. I do try and workout but I feel so drained a lot of the time. I have a tough time eating enough so my energy is always low. I did start training in martial arts again about a month ago and it does seem to help. Gets my mind off of things for awhile.

[RoyalTiger]

Stay with NC. It will get better and you will heal. But if you break NC, you will be back to square one plus more pain.

[GoodThingsToCome]

Hey BlackandBlue,

It's totally fine to break down and feel s**t on occasion... its part of the healing process. Sometimes I just burst into tears and have to let all the pain out, but that is because we actually cared for the person and loved them... .and guess what, because we have NORMAL emotions!

I'm the same in that I don't think my ex will contact me again... .if I look at her history she tends to just move on from guy to guy. But you know what, to hell with them... .I don't need her craziness back in my life. The more I get to meet normal woman again, the more excited I get at the prospect of meeting someone who I can establish a healthy relationship with.

I had the same thing after our break-up as well... .she first sends me a heart-felt email about how much she will miss me and how much she respects me - trying to rope me back in. And then when I didn't bite, I get emails and calls later on telling me how she misses nothing about our relationship, how she has moved on, how I emotionally battered her, etc. etc. She has to say these things to justify things in her mind, but also to steer rejection away from her. In the last SMS I sent her, I told her flat out that I see through her words & projections and I know who she really is... .I don't think she liked that, so hopefully I hear no more from her.

Hurting people hurt others. Try to understand that her words aren't true... .she says these things because she is probably hurting and instead of dealing with her emotions normally, behaves in a juvenile, hurtful way. I've had some really rough times and these forums have helped me so much... .you are a good guy, know that about yourself. You cared, loved and fought for something you believed in... .take that as a learning lesson about yourself, and something you can give to your next partner who will actually reciprocate.

[BlackandBlue]

Hey BlackandBlue,

It's totally fine to break down and feel s**t on occasion... its part of the healing process. Sometimes I just burst into tears and have to let all the pain out, but that is because we actually cared for the person and loved them... .and guess what, because we have NORMAL emotions!

I'm the same in that I don't think my ex will contact me again... .if I look at her history she tends to just move on from guy to guy. But you know what, to hell with them... .I don't need her craziness back in my life. The more I get to meet normal woman again, the more excited I get at the prospect of meeting someone who I can establish a healthy relationship with.

I had the same thing after our break-up as well... .she first sends me a heart-felt email about how much she will miss me and how much she respects me - trying to rope me back in. And then when I didn't bite, I get emails and calls later on telling me how she misses nothing about our relationship, how she has moved on, how I emotionally battered her, etc. etc. She has to say these things to justify things in her mind, but also to steer rejection away from her. In the last SMS I sent her, I told her flat out that I see through her words & projections and I know who she really is... .I don't think she liked that, so hopefully I hear no more from her.

Hurting people hurt others. Try to understand that her words aren't true... .she says these things because she is probably hurting and instead of dealing with her emotions normally, behaves in a juvenile, hurtful way. I've had some really rough times and these forums have helped me so much... .you are a good guy, know that about yourself. You cared, loved and fought for something you believed in... .take that as a learning lesson about yourself, and something you can give to your next partner who will actually reciprocate.

Thank you so much, your post said exactly what I needed to hear. I don't know what I would do if it wasn't for these forums. Everyone here really is like a family to me. Dealing with this past relationship has been the toughest thing I've ever dealt with. I did love her and i did my best under the circumstances I had to deal with. I wasn't perfect and there are things I wish I had done better, but I think the outcome would have still been the same... .she would have left. If anything I've learned a lot about myself from this expirence. I need to work on. My codependency issues so I don't go don't this road again. Thank you again.

[clydegriffith]

I try to take it easy on myself but sometimes I just break down. We broke up way back toward the end of march and and I have been NC since mid june and im still dealing with the up's and downs. I honestly don't think she will ever try and contact me. She was so mean and nasty after the breakup. One of the last things she said was she doesn't like me or anything I stand for. Doesn't make sense... .I'm a really good guy. I do try and workout but I feel so drained a lot of the time. I have a tough time eating enough so my energy is always low. I did start training in martial arts again about a month ago and it does seem to help. Gets my mind off of things for awhile.

You're trying to rationalize what someone irrational is saying. After b/u the BPDx used to tell me all the time "i never loved you" and blah blah blah. It hurt when she said that, even being familiar with what BPD is. They'll see you as white one day then paint you black the next and swear it's always been black. It really does start messing with your mind.

[Mutt]

I try to take it easy on myself but sometimes I just break down. We broke up way back toward the end of march and and I have been NC since mid june and im still dealing with the up's and downs. I honestly don't think she will ever try and contact me. She was so mean and nasty after the breakup. One of the last things she said was she doesn't like me or anything I stand for. Doesn't make sense... .I'm a really good guy. I do try and workout but I feel so drained a lot of the time. I have a tough time eating enough so my energy is always low. I did start training in martial arts again about a month ago and it does seem to help. Gets my mind off of things for awhile.

Hi clydegriffith,

I understand the black and white thinking that you are describing. I agree it is confusing when we're treated nicely and then treated with disdain. It happens right out of the blue.

I'd like to take a look at what you bolded and offer a different opinion for BlackandBlue.

A pwBPD feel badly, they feel a lot of shame and guilt. A behavior that isn't exclusive (non's project as well, pwBPD take this to the extreme) to borderline personality disorder is projection.

BlackandBlue is likely a really nice guy and to hear what his ex said is profoundly confusing. I can relate to how he feels, having said that his ex is projecting her feelings of self loathing on him.

She is projecting feelings of shame and how she feels about herself "I don't like myself and what I stand for" This isn't splitting although there's a good chance she had nothing good to say about you at the time and you were devalued.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way, to someone else.

She's not really attacking your character although it sounds like it does and the effects still hurt. What she's really doing is projecting what she feels about herself on you.

Do you agree BlackandBlue?

[BlackandBlue]

Yes mutt I would agree with you that it was a projection. There was no logical reason for her to not like me or anything I stand for. How was it a few weeks prior she said she loved me and wanted to spend the rest life with me? She also said that I treated her like $hit too and I don't know how she could say that either. I wasn't perfect but I treated her really well... .too well. Ya there were times I raised my voice but when you are constantly being accused of nonsense you're eventually gonna get mad.

[Mutt]

Yes mutt I would agree with you that it was a projection. There was no logical reason for her to not like me or anything I stand for. How was it a few weeks prior she said she loved me and wanted to spend the rest life with me? She also said that I treated her like $hit too and I don't know how she could say that either. I wasn't perfect but I treated her really well... .too well. Ya there were times I raised my voice but when you are constantly being accused of nonsense you're eventually gonna get mad.

You ask good questions.

clydegriffith makes a good point. She's splitting and there's impulsive behavior as well.

She doesn't see the middle ground or has difficulties seeing the grey area in people and life. You are either overvalued or undervalued.

The week she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you is because you were being idealized or put on a pedestal.

The week where she said you don't treat her right your are being devaluated or knocked off that same pedestal. There's projection there as well. Whom was devaluing whom?

It takes two to tango. A lesson I learned here. I played my role and I learned about myself from her behaviors and how I react to those behaviors. Don't be hard on yourself.

Getting back to splitting. It's not something you said or did per se, it's how her mind protects itself from anxiety and stress. It's a defense mechanism.

It's likely confusing and painful to you. You feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster not knowing what she feels, why the changes. Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD.

[BlackandBlue]

I remember the one time when she had me in tears ripping me a apart and I asked her why she she is doing this to me. She said she had to be this way to survive. I honestly think she knew she had BPD but was keeping it from me.

[btbh]

Read this awhile ago on this site and kept it as my screen saver till my BPDex is out of my life for good.


Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

Feel some sorrow for the new victim, they have no idea what they are walking into, and will someday feel the intense pain that we feel.

We are just one in a long string of people to be hurt by a pwBPD. The choice you have here is to continue to be a victim, or to pull yourself out of it and make a new life, with a person who can REALLY love you back, with mutual respect and love.

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

[Springle]

I'm right there with you. I've had a bad few days myself. I've cried a few times today... .it sucks. I was doing much better until yesterday I heard about my replacement from someone I work with. I knew she had a new boyfriend but when I heard his name and it was a name I saw in her phone right before we broke up... .it stung like hell... .it still does. I know I'm not ready for a new relationship but I wish I had a new girlfriend. Someone just to take away the pain. Maybe a good friend... .I have nobody.

I really feel for you BlackandBlue, I really do.

I am guilty of looking up info on my ex and even when I'm prepared for the worst... .turns out I'm not and it gets me right there. I find it so confusing how the relationship between my non-ex and ex-friend with BPD seems to be going so well, it never makes sense and makes my head spin. It will wear off though, I know that sounds ridiculous now but it will, I care less and less about him and her everyday, sometimes I fall down but I manage to get up again much quicker now.

A tip though, do not get with another girl just to forget your pwBPD, it's not fair on another person and it won't make you feel better genuinely.

She is projecting feelings of shame and how she feels about herself "I don't like myself and what I stand for" This isn't splitting although there's a good chance she had nothing good to say about you at the time and you were devalued.

I find projection a really interesting thing. It's also interesting someone mentioned validation too and how non's can project also.

My non-ex said to me one of the last time we spoke that I:

'needed to learn to live my life without the validation of other people'

I was confused by this at the time, even during my depression I always knew who I was. However he is the one who has gone off and within a few months started dating a girl with BPD and whom he knows has a history and is mentally unstable; supposedly JUST so he didn't have to have the title of 'single'. I however have gone alone to heal, take therapy and have continued being more confident in myself, I have never 'needed' a SO to make me whole but, obviously, I would like one to compliment my life.

I think what he said was dripping with projection.

[clydegriffith]

Read this awhile ago on this site and kept it as my screen saver till my BPDex is out of my life for good.


Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

Feel some sorrow for the new victim, they have no idea what they are walking into, and will someday feel the intense pain that we feel.

We are just one in a long string of people to be hurt by a pwBPD. The choice you have here is to continue to be a victim, or to pull yourself out of it and make a new life, with a person who can REALLY love you back, with mutual respect and love.

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

I'm not sure this is true. I think at the time they tell you they love you and all that stuff, they actually mean it. But it's only a symton of their illness and while it may be true to them at that point, it's not really real. The BPDx was started telling me she loved me just a few weeks after she met me. I believe at the beginning she meant it, but again it was only her illness making her feel that way not any real connection she had with me. It's nice hearing things and who doesnt want to believe that there is someone that cares for them in that manner. That's how you get lured in.

[Bak86]

My ex still hasn't got a replacement yet after a couple of months, which i find weird.

[christoff522]

Read this awhile ago on this site and kept it as my screen saver till my BPDex is out of my life for good.


Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

Feel some sorrow for the new victim, they have no idea what they are walking into, and will someday feel the intense pain that we feel.

We are just one in a long string of people to be hurt by a pwBPD. The choice you have here is to continue to be a victim, or to pull yourself out of it and make a new life, with a person who can REALLY love you back, with mutual respect and love.

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

I'm not sure this is true. I think at the time they tell you they love you and all that stuff, they actually mean it. But it's only a symton of their illness and while it may be true to them at that point, it's not really real. The BPDx was started telling me she loved me just a few weeks after she met me. I believe at the beginning she meant it, but again it was only her illness making her feel that way not any real connection she had with me. It's nice hearing things and who doesnt want to believe that there is someone that cares for them in that manner. That's how you get lured in.

Their illness doesn't make them feel anything, it makes them avoid feeling anything. Its like a balance of weights between feeling and unfeeling. Why do you think they reject us before we reject them? Its to avoid the pain of being rejected. They're emotionally unstable, and they feel things to such extremes it can cause psychosis. Did she feel love? I doubt it. Love isn't an instantaneous thing, no what she felt was infatuation... the same attraction we feel towards a hot girl. But because they're so ignorant of feelings they believe it to be love. Everything with a BPD is in the extremes, love, hate, sadness, fear, happiness. But only because they are like robots, walking the world hiding from feelings, and when they do feel it's like a train crash. You cannot believe that they loved you, it just makes things worse, and it's not true. She doesn't love the new guy, and she never loved OP. She 'fancied' him, and she 'fancies' new guy.

[christoff522]

My ex still hasn't got a replacement yet after a couple of months, which i find weird.

She's either getting enough supply via text and social media or she's depressed.

BPD's are well known to hide in their bedrooms for a while when they're emotional.

[Bak86]

My ex still hasn't got a replacement yet after a couple of months, which i find weird.

She's either getting enough supply via text and social media or she's depressed.

BPD's are well known to hide in their bedrooms for a while when they're emotional.

Yeah she's a depressed type. Crying, staying in bed etc. I know she got a cat, maybe that's my replacement 

[camuse]

Are you sure she doesn't? They are pretty amazing liars and good at hiding things.

[BlackandBlue]

Thank you everyone for all your input... .I truly mean a lot to me. These forums have been my saving grace. I really don't have much in the way of a support system. It's hard to left go of the fact she never loved me... .I was up so high on that pedestal at one point... .like being on top of the world. This BPD stuff is so confusing because I hear so many theories about different things. I've read that the feel too much but then I've read they don't feel anything. She once told me that she feels numb while she was devaluing me in a fight.

[Bak86]

Are you sure she doesn't? They are pretty amazing liars and good at hiding things.

I know she can lie. She told me 4 weeks after the breakup she was back with her ex. That turned out to be a lie. She wasn't back at all, wonder why she said that to me. I heard she has had a couple of dates so far, but nobody fit her perfect picture, so nothing happened yet. She's also the hermit type, incredibly afraid of men, so her going on a date takes some real guts from her. She also looks like a complete wreck at the moment. She lost weight, even when she's unhealthy skinny already, eyes are sad and hollow etc. So i can't really see her being with someone new real soon. Allthough that's not typical for a pwBPD.