I want to write a letter to my potential BPD ex GF

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been so confused and I'm in therapy. My ex girlfriend has been in therapy for 5 years. We were together for 6 months. It was intense and we got very close very fast…then about 1 1/2 months ago to the day…things changed abruptly…she started being too busy at work…then drinking every night at the bar with co-workers to talk about work…eating lots of unhealthy food alone at home at night and basically just dismissing me.

Only now after 6 weeks of therapy am I starting to understand what I've been through and I've felt like a piece of trash for letting myself do things I did. Big time enabling and care taking and just doing anything to make things work when I was getting nothing back…except sex… that was never intimate and then I felt guilty about that. She once told me that she thought she was bipolarar and I replied that she was a lot of things but not bipolar…I was so naive…and blind but I was just ignorant and uneducated. I wish I had dug in more and paid attention.…I have to say that I still think she's a wonderful person…at least the one I met at first was…then I just took the hook and let her drag me around…I couldn't see what was happening. I had a lot going on in my life at the time and that started about 3 months into our relationship. I quit my job ( i freelance), bought a house and moved all of my belongings to the city we both lived in  separately. I was not at the top of my game emotionally and when I needed some support she thrashed me…like a shark that smelled blood…never in a violent way….she was so much smarter and cunning…It's hard to understand that this was not intentional and I had no idea what I was dealing with…I didn't set any boundaries…I actually thought it was just a phase or something…I want to write her a letter and explain what happened from miy point of view…In a very supportive and connected way. Not an accusatory way…but I do want to point out that I think she could very well be BPD if she doesn't know this already. Any advise? Thats a ;lot of rambling but that's it in a very small nutshell. I'm still realizing how I fell apart in the midst of this and starting to see myself again.

[1lookingforward]

I've been so confused and I'm in therapy. My ex girlfriend has been in therapy for 5 years. We were together for 6 months. It was intense and we got very close very fast…then about 1 1/2 months ago to the day…things changed abruptly…she started being too busy at work…then drinking every night at the bar with co-workers to talk about work…eating lots of unhealthy food alone at home at night and basically just dismissing me.

Only now after 6 weeks of therapy am I starting to understand what I've been through and I've felt like a piece of trash for letting myself do things I did. Big time enabling and care taking and just doing anything to make things work when I was getting nothing back…except sex… that was never intimate and then I felt guilty about that. She once told me that she thought she was bipolarar and I replied that she was a lot of things but not bipolar…I was so naive…and blind but I was just ignorant and uneducated. I wish I had dug in more and paid attention.…I have to say that I still think she's a wonderful person…at least the one I met at first was…then I just took the hook and let her drag me around…I couldn't see what was happening. I had a lot going on in my life at the time and that started about 3 months into our relationship. I quit my job ( i freelance), bought a house and moved all of my belongings to the city we both lived in  separately. I was not at the top of my game emotionally and when I needed some support she thrashed me…like a shark that smelled blood…never in a violent way….she was so much smarter and cunning…It's hard to understand that this was not intentional and I had no idea what I was dealing with…I didn't set any boundaries…I actually thought it was just a phase or something…I want to write her a letter and explain what happened from miy point of view…In a very supportive and connected way. Not an accusatory way…but I do want to point out that I think she could very well be BPD if she doesn't know this already. Any advise? Thats a ;lot of rambling but that's it in a very small nutshell. I'm still realizing how I fell apart in the midst of this and starting to see myself again.

[Mutt]

Hi 1lookingforward,



You were going through a transitional phase in life, and feel like you were taken advtange of because you were stretched thin. I'm sorry.

She was in therapy 5 years and she said that she might be bi-polar? What sort of therapy?

I'm happy to hear that you are in T. You had a long going on and you lacked boundaries. You feel like you were blindsided for the lack of boundaries. Many members and their exes here didn't show obvious signs of a mental illness. It tends to happen later when we become intimate with our partners. The disorder is triggered by intimacy. I think that your being hard on yourself.

There's no right or wrong with writing the letter.

You want to explain things from your point of view and you may be disappointed when you don't get the reaction that you expect. It's going to invalidate your feelings if she doesn't respond or acknowledges that she has read it. She may also blame you for everything in the r/s as well. Realize that you may not get answers that you would like to hear or that your voice be heard.

Be mindful if you choose to tell her that you think that she's borderline. Your heart is in the right place. On the flip side, her reality is real to her, just as your reality is to you. This is a a part of her personality. If you were to put yourself in her shoes and were told that she has a serious disorder, you may really take offense to that. You're also running the risk of making her symptoms worse.

If you look at the lessons to the right "Choosing a Path" and Step 2. Take a step back and give yourself emotional and intellectual space. Look at the bigger picture before telling someone you care about that you think they are mentally ill. BPD is a difficult disorder and it's often misunderstood. The person that you care about has to want to be committed in doing the work in therapy. It may not work and if it does there's the possibility that it can take years. I hope that helps.