just needing a little advice

[kyoko]

Just needing some advice from you all who understand    My daughter came home last week from her visit with her dad and had a red blood blister type sore inside her private area.  It turned out to be a strep B infection.  Its causes can be a number of things including poor hygiene.  I have found out in sept. because I had to bring the same daughter in for irritation down there that my children are only bathing 1 time during their visit.  My concerns aren't only about hygiene, it's also about how they kids aren't able to tell their dad or are able to show any emotions even crying if something is painful.  So by the time she came to me the infection grew into a big sore.  Just wanted to get any advice or suggestions on what I should/or if should do anything besides document    

I worry very much about my kids because I know how it was living with him and when I have to see him it reminds me of just how scared/fearful they must feel with someone who is like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde.  You feel you can't talk to anyone because what he appears to everyone else is different then what you see behind closed doors.  And they are so young they can't understand and that is their dad they love. I'm so glad to be able to come to this site with everyone, unfortunately, that understands and knows what goes on.  

[livednlearned]

Hi kyoko,

I'm sorry to hear about your girls not being taken care of properly.  :'(  How old are they? What kind of custody arrangement do you have in place?

[kyoko]

Livenlearned, thank you for your response, my kids are 9 and 6yo.  Their dad has them for 4 consecutive days every other week.

[livednlearned]

Do you think the girls are expressing how they feel to you? It took a lot of work on my part to validate my son so he began to realize on some level that talking to me felt good. But I had to work hard to validate his feelings even when what he was saying was painful to hear.

It sounds like you are documenting. What does the pediatrician say about the sores and neglect? Is it at all possible for the girls to see a therapist? If there's no chance of that because you share legal custody and your ex H would never agree, the school guidance counselor's can often be very helpful, or the school family therapist. When my son was having difficult in elementary school, I went first to the family specialist (they are social workers who understand family systems dynamics), and then to the guidance counselor. When S13 was younger, he was much more willing to talk about what he was going through. Some days, he would use a special pass they gave him to give to the teacher, and that meant he could walk to the counselor's office and just be by himself if he needed. No questions asked. After a while, he started to talk to the family specialist and that helped him cope during the worst part, right before I left the marriage with S13 (9 at the time).

Do you think that might help your girls?