i sure could use some advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today is about 2 months post breakup with my ex of almost 4 years, we have a 16 month old daughter and she's been seeing a guy since the day we broke up. Today she called me upset from his house saying she had a rough night and she really needs to work on herself and stay single. I didn't respond at first and she said aren't you going to say I told you so. My response was no, people make mistakes and it would be cruel to say that. I just kinda made jokes and talked about the baby to pass the time. She did admit our 4 years together were the best time of her life and it wasn't as bad as she made it seem since the breakup. My intention is to just be supportive and be there for her, not push to get back together and not expect our family will be back together anytime soon. I would also consider talking to her about therapy but every time I do it becomes an argument. We don't argue anymore because a few months ago I learned all I could about the disorder and realized her spiteful actions shouldn't be taken personally and it takes two to tango. Once she overheats, I simply tell her I can see your upset and we should talk about this when you calm down. Any suggestions moving forward?

[BrokenFamily]

Today is about 2 months post breakup with my ex of almost 4 years, we have a 16 month old daughter and she's been seeing a guy since the day we broke up. Today she called me upset from his house saying she had a rough night and she really needs to work on herself and stay single. I didn't respond at first and she said aren't you going to say I told you so. My response was no, people make mistakes and it would be cruel to say that. I just kinda made jokes and talked about the baby to pass the time. She did admit our 4 years together were the best time of her life and it wasn't as bad as she made it seem since the breakup. My intention is to just be supportive and be there for her, not push to get back together and not expect our family will be back together anytime soon. I would also consider talking to her about therapy but every time I do it becomes an argument. We don't argue anymore because a few months ago I learned all I could about the disorder and realized her spiteful actions shouldn't be taken personally and it takes two to tango. Once she overheats, I simply tell her I can see your upset and we should talk about this when you calm down. Any suggestions moving forward?

[Mutt]

My intention is to just be supportive and be there for her, not push to get back together and not expect our family will be back together anytime soon. I would also consider talking to her about therapy but every time I do it becomes an argument.

You're considering talking to her about T. As you say, it takes two to tango. Are you talking about marriage counseling or couples therapy for the both of you?

That she goes into therapy?

[BrokenFamily]

Hey Mutt, yes I would absolutely go. We had an amazing relationship and so much love in our little family together. our only trouble was she would create stories in her head about me having sex or taking to or seeing someone else behind her back. Most of the time she would apologize and come right back or realize even quicker that I'm a loyal guy committed to my family and wouldn't ever do anything to jeopardize it. I will admit I became frustrated and reacted incorrectly by calling her crazy and not trying to understand it but I no longer take the harsh words and actions personally so we never even debate anymore.

[Mutt]

Hi BrokenFamily,

It sounds like you've done enough  homework on BPD and have become indifferent to her behaviors. Her accusations of you having sex is just that. She's insecure and this was likely during an abandonment swing for her. Let her come to her own terms with wanting to go into therapy.

I think that you would have to look at your own boundaries here. Can I make this work if she's unwilling to go into therapy? Is my boundary that I won't go back if my partner isn't working on her issues? Can I accept her how she is now with a possible chance that she may not get better, it is emotional arrested development. Can you be indifferent with her accusations? You know what your reality is, it is that you're not cheating. Her reality is quite different, she was likely triggered by something and contrary to your monogamy, likely imagined.

A DSM-5 criteria:

frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

A fear of abandonment is very real to someone that has BPD traits. The center of this disorder is abandonment, abandonment fears, a narcissistic wound,  the core wound of abandonment.

I'm seperated from my ex and with no reconciliation. When she falsely accuses me of anything. It is just that, a false accusation.  I know that her insecurities are triggered. I don't give into my impulse of wanting to argue and make things worse by defending my reality. Reality is open to debate. Feelings and emotions are real. I trust my intuition. I'm indifferent knowing that her dysfunction is driven by the disorder and it's less triggering for both parties. There's no conflict.

[BrokenFamily]

My boundaries are set and my only focus is our daughter, unfortunately she is more concerned over the fight she had with my replacement. I almost feel bad for the guy; he is seeing  a rebound breakup with a girl he's only know a little over a month as the end of the world and blaming himself and apologizing to her. She was just testing him and he too emotionally attached already to understand this is all part of her control over him so he runs back and says I love you I'm sorry. It's kinda liberating to watch and I'm enjoying that we can communicate as friends and maintain what currently seems like a positive relationship for our daughter.

[Mutt]

I understand. I felt compassion for the replacement because he's in the fire now. That said, he walked into my marriage and both caused considerable damage. It is their journey now. I have my own journey with my kids and I focus on them. I wasn't centered. I wouldn't worry about him. He should of know it's complicated? He's a rebound?

Three weeks ago we had a happy family, not even a week later my ex (the mother of my daughter) is seeing a new guy? How is this possible and how can she go from loving me more than anyone in the world to hate me more than anyone?

Are you waiting for him to get out of the picture to get back with your ex?

[BrokenFamily]

I'm not really worried about him being in the picture because I don't feel in the least bit threatened by him, she will never love him as she loved me, he will never beable to care for her as I have and if she wants to be with him that's her choice not mine. 4 years of being the head of our family worrying about everything and trying control the direction of our lives in a positive way still makes me want to have things my way but her decisions are hers and only hers to make. I make every effort to just be supportive and not judge her, my boundaries are set in stone. My only concern is maintaining a good relationship with her for the sake of our daughter. If she decided to come back tomorrow it would require therapy and lots of slow healing and I'm quite sure she isn't ready for that at this time so I'm not getting my hopes up

[Mutt]

I learned all I could about the disorder

You learned to be less triggering which is good. What's the back story with her and him? How did she come to leave?

What is your boundary with her being in other r/s's?

[BrokenFamily]

They met at a food store where she just started working a few days or less after the breakup, once I found and asked her about him she became irate and justified it by saying I pushed her into his arms and made it fb official with him a day later. She has gone from saying it isn't that serious and she misses me to getting mad I say I miss her and saying she loves him. He isn't her type at all a bit overweight not very attractive, has no car and lives with him mom. He seems like a nice guy but lacks the emotional understanding it takes to be in a relationship because it seems he's never had a gf before and definitely never someone as beautiful as her. He has a nice house family and a sister so I guess she feels safe and loved there so whenever she don't have the baby she's been staying there. She is a shallow person with Narcissistic traits so I don't see them staying together longterm. Her mothers house can be stressing to her and she has it in her head coming home to me and the baby isn't an option, she's said a few times he is all she has because her bff has a new bff but I can't see her really having an attachment to the guy other than her fear of being alone and wanting to feel loved.

[BrokenFamily]

It's amazing how she left I was very busy at work and she had a breakdown, upset being awake with the baby the fear she was losing her best friend to another girl and a bad hair day... She started texting me upset about porn being I'm my computer history, I explained while she was in the room my buddy Kyle and i were looking for the celebrity photos that were leaked and some porn poppedup and it wasn't a big deal, she knows I'm not a porn guy but kept calling me a pervert, piece of s**t and every other hurtful name she could think of , I asked her to calm down and told her to do something more productive till I get home and she told me I was taking to her like a child and left. I assumed she would go to her mom's a night and come back with an apology as always but she didnt. The following day she asked for a ride home from work at 12am so I loaded up our sleeping daughter and picked her up. As soon as she got in the car it was screaming and calling me names again. I claimed her down and she agreed she was over reacting and asked if we were going to our home a block away or her mother's house about a 1/2 mile away, I told her it was up to her and she began again with the insults saying if I wasn't a pervert we would be going home. I couldn't deal with the emotional pain and didn't want our daughter exposed to screaming I pulled over and made her walk to her mom's house. That in her mind was the final straw, I've spent the last two months being supotive trying to be painted white again