My father called me in tears...

[Mommakiwi]

So quick back story, mom is suspected BPD and has been for years. Things have blown up regarding relationships over the past weekend. My dad has been communicating with my sister and I regarding our mom without her knowledge. She found out this weekend and told my father it was worse an learning he was seeing another woman.

She packed up her little car and drove 5+ hours to stay with family in another state and essentially left my father. she has had a fight with some of the family and is staying with someone else who asked that she leave. My father called me in tears (I have seen the man cry maybe twice before) almost begging me to contact her.

I've not contacted her by phone since at least April, due to a disagreement. I have tried to stay on contact by text and email, but it has been a very cold response on her part.

I want to know if anyone would suggest contacting her or waiting until she is in a better frame of mind. (I know that's a long shot)

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear about your  situation, it does sound tough. In answer to your question about calling, the theory states that a BPD would leave or threaten to leave in such a situation, but would at some point look to come back – unless she has found an alternative narcisstic supply (e.g. a boy friend).

She does want people to rush after her and she would want to create a sense of panic or urgency. However, you know your BPDm better than we do, so what do your instincts tell you about handling the situation ?

[claudiaduffy]

Mommakiwi,

Does your dad use his own peer resources (friends, siblings, colleagues, doctors/therapists etc) for advice and support? My triangulation alarm goes off when I hear that he wants so badly for you to call your mom to try to make things better.

I feel for anyone married to a uBPD, I really do, but so frequently they piggyback on abusive actions by inappropriately using their children instead of using their other resources for support. Please don't let your dad do the same thing your mom does - making her emotional terrorism YOUR responsibility to fix.

[Mommakiwi]

Thanks for the responses! My dad really doesn't have anyone else to rely upon. He has previously tried to contact her therapist and he really can't help unless she is threatening to hurt herself or others. Honestly my younger sister has cut them both off, my half brother has refused to see either of them (not BPD related, but his own drug addiction), and my dad works out of town 95% of the time. I guess the only other resource he has is alcohol. I know it's not a resource, but that's the only other thing I can think of. He doesn't talk to his own family from what I know, my moms family is not an option (lawsuits between siblings) and I hate to say I don't know if he has any friends.

I personally have been flipping between contacting her and not. I have a special needs toddler who I stay at home with and I myself have fought with depression and anxiety. I have not been in phone contact with her since April due because of a disagreement. I have attempted to contact her through email and text, but the results have been varied. I know if I cut her out of my life permanently it will cause an issue with my dad, who I want a relationship with, but I'm a much happier person without her contact.

I guess I have sort of made my decision to not reach out to her right now, since she is so emotionally and mentally distraught, but I would like to have contact with her later (possibly) to help her.

[claudiaduffy]

Ah. I hoped that wasn't the case, even though I thought it probably was.  Let me just point out that your father could have resources - other-than-you resources - if he wanted them. His refusal to acquire them still doesn't make it your responsibility to make up for his lack.

It is really hard to know how to be compassionate toward people whom you love, but who take advantage of you this way. You want a relationship with your dad and he hasn't been as "bad" as your mom, but please don't let that desire for a relationship drive you to participate in your own mis-use by either of your parents. You are not required to make up for their deficiencies, and sometimes loving in what feels like a nice, self-sacrificing way is really just enabling their misuse or abuse of you and others.

... .sorry if that all sounded preachy. It's all part of things I have to keep telling myself about my own parents. Ugh.

[Mommakiwi]

Not preachy at all clauidiaduffy! I guess I'm still trying to wrap my head around his enabling (right word?) of her behavior. He loves her and we have talked about how she's not the same woman he married, or even the same woman from 5 years ago. He definitely has the ability to obtain other resources, but he is hard headed in the feelings department. It's a 'family affair' and most other people don't need to be involved. Since this weekend though he has started looking into other options.

I am keeping my younger sister in the loop, but she really isn't interested beyond my mothers saftey, which is fine. I have always been there for her and since not talking to her my life has been so much easier and less stressful, but at the same time I cannot imagine being in her frame of mind where no one cares anymore.

It's just a nasty situation that I would. It wish on my worst enemy... .blah!

[Jenk]

Let me just point out that your father could have resources - other-than-you resources - if he wanted them. His refusal to acquire them still doesn't make it your responsibility to make up for his lack.

It is really hard to know how to be compassionate toward people whom you love, but who take advantage of you this way. You want a relationship with your dad and he hasn't been as "bad" as your mom, but please don't let that desire for a relationship drive you to participate in your own mis-use by either of your parents. You are not required to make up for their deficiencies, and sometimes loving in what feels like a nice, self-sacrificing way is really just enabling their misuse or abuse of you and others.

I just want to second everything stated by claudiaduffy. And, I, too, need to remind myself of such facts.