Talk to family doctor

[jedimaster]

My uBPDw and I use the same family doctor.  For about four years my wife was on Cymbalta for fibromyalgia and those were the most normal years of our 33 year marriage.  A little over a year ago she talked to the doctor about coming off, as she has lost a massive amount of weight and her FM is pretty much under control.  Of course the doctor has no clue about how the Cymbalta affects her otherwise.

My wife was aware that she was much more emotionally level while on the meds, but of course being BPD she was absolutely certain she would be even better without them.  She made me a solemn promise that if I saw any change at all I could tell her and she would go right back on them.  Of course now I know that was just whistling in the wind, but at the time I still believed she could tell the truth.  And the irony is that if she were still on Cymbalta, she would have been.  Her word would have been gold.

Within 6 weeks after coming off Cymbalta, she was back to her good old insufferable self, and has been that way ever since.

So my question (after all that!) is, I have a checkup appointment in a couple of weeks.  Knowing what I know now, I want to explain to the doc what is happening in our house and ask for her help in getting my wife back on Cymbalta.  I have no idea where to begin or how to approach it.  Thoughts/suggestions/ideas/advice are not only welcome but much needed.

This site is becoming my lifeline--thank you all for being here!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

How long have you been going to family doc?

Most family docs... .if they are older... .more experienced... .can help get things going in the right direction.

So... my advice is just to lay it out there... see where it goes.

Be willing to tell the exact same story you tell the doc... .to the doc with your wife there... .if that is what he thinks is best.

[hope2727]

My family doctor has been amazing. I was actually in school trying to get into med school when all this hit the fan for me. I went to my doctor (who has been super supportive of my application to med school) and burst into tears and he sat and listened carefully. He has never seen my pwBPD so he couldn't comment on him but told me in general bipolar and BPD are so closely related and so pervasive and tenacious that I need to consider letting him go and seeking a healthier partner. My doctor was kind and supportive and non judgemental and wonderful. Perhaps yours will be the same.

I suggest telling him how her med change affects you. Tell him what you observe but don't diagnose. For instance "once she quit the cymbalta I observed that she became highly emotional and extremely paranoid". Just tell him what you see out of concern for her and then express how it is impacting you. He will likely understand. I know mine was amazing.

[jedimaster]

Looks like I may get my chance sooner than I thought.  On my calendar I had down my appointment for the 20th.  Tonight I got a robocall that I have an appointment Friday morning.  I was supposed to pick up my son at a Special Olympics bowling tournament Friday, so I was all prepared to call tomorrow and reschedule the doctor.  But my wife is in a typical persnicket and said she has "canceled" her Friday luncheon so I'm not needed for pickup.  One of the things she does--she likes to deliberately cancel or drop out of things she enjoys if she's having mood issues.  I may be wrong but my theory is that's her form of self-harm.  She's not suicidal and doesn't cut, etc, so she finds excuses to deny pleasurable things to herself, always making sure of course that I'm aware she's doing it.

Anyway, I started to reschedule the doctor's appointment, but now I suddenly realize I have the morning open.  I think I will go and see if I can talk to the doc about the situation.  The other factor is my adult son with special needs and I usually go to the doc together, but he's the one with the bowling tournament.  Yes, I do believe in Divine Providence, so perhaps I'd better not let this opportunity pass.

[jedimaster]

Just came from the doc's office. It was priceless.  She didn't bat an eye, just agreed with everything I told her and told me when my wife's next appointment was (apparently at some point we signed a family member HIPPA release), and that she would do everything she could to convince my wife that she should give Cymbalta another try. 

My wife makes a big deal out of being the "caregiver" for our son with disabilities and her elderly mother.  This huge "caregiving" effort consists of taking my son around to several Special Olympics activities, out to eat, and taking her mother to the beauty shop and Cracker Barrel once a week.  But she's constantly carrying on about the huge emotional load she bears as a caregiver.  So I suggested to the doc that maybe the *stress of caregiving was starting to affect my wife and perhaps going back on Cymbalta would help her cope with all she had to deal with*.  She thought that might do the trick, while she was biting her cheek to keep from smiling too much.

It seems no matter who I confide in I get the same reaction; i.e., wondering when I would finally catch on. 

I propose a new acronym for the forum:  WHYB, as in "Where have you been?" For the universal reaction when you tell a friend/doctor/family member your spouse has BPD.

[formflier]

 

Can you tell us what you told her?  What you told the doc?

[sadeyes]

I'm curious too! I used similar tactics to get my SO on some meds. Now, he believes that he needs them!

[jedimaster]

I told her that I was concerned about my wife's behavior and I wasn't sure how much she had seen, but there was more going on than she knew.  Earlier in the year my wife was convinced that I had early-onset Alzheimer's, mainly because I couldn't remember her ever changing stories about everything.  So to pacify her I went to the doctor and talked to her about my memory.  I have a perfectly normal amount of short term memory issues for a person my age, aggravated by stress of course.  So today I told the doc that that visit was motivated by my wife's *diagnosis" of my EOAD, and that I have been seeing a T and a psych, and was now on Lexapro for depression and was feeling great.  But in the process of therapy we have determined my wife has uBPD.  She just looked at me like, "And?" and told me as clearly as she felt she could that she had indeed seen what I have been seeing.  She also treats my mother in law, whom my wife is convinced has full-blown Alzheimer's, but the doc agreed with me that it is actually just normal mild dementia (she's 84).  I just laid out the facts of what I have been dealing with and let her agree/disagree or say as much as she felt she could.  As I mentioned, somewhere along the line we had all signed a HIPPA release so she could talk to us about one another, so that made it much easier.

Apparently my wife actually did discuss coming off of Cymbalta, but I gathered from the doctor's comments it was simply a conversation and it sounded like my wife then proceeded to wean herself off, convinced she had the doc's blessing.  The doc thought getting her back on was worth a try and she said she'd do whatever she could.  I suggested based on my wife's frequent complaints about her "caregiving" responsibilities, that she use that to suggest giving the meds another try.

I left feeling a bit encouraged.  The doc felt like I was doing all the right things and she was familiar with BPD and how difficult it is to treat. My wife's appointment is on the 25th, so we'll see what happens next.

[formflier]

 

Nice work!     Good step on the HIPPA release forms. 

Now... .sounds like you have a lot going on with you... .that you have taken lots of steps.  Have you seen good come out of that?

What is next for you?