Does this get easier?

[lovethebeach]

Does anyone have advice on what happened when they tried to talk to their exBPD?

Its been two weeks. The mornings and nights are the hardest to get through. I wake up and go to sleep ... he's still my thought.

I logged into an old e-mail account about an hour ago and found old text messages. He was the most romantic, loving and caring person. He needed me and never went long without texting me. Even in the military, he "came home to be with me." He took EVERY opportunity to tell me how much he loved me. He used to say "You are exactly what I need. I know I have this disorder and I have a long way to go, but thank you for loving me."

Now, there is NC. I've tried to talk and he was so cold and distant. We spoke three days ago, and he was nasty and blamed everything on me. He said "I dont know what you want from me. I answered you. I was civil. I could've blocked your number or not answered, but I answered."

I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow as I try to make sense of all of this.

I keep asking myself WHY! Why did this happen? And as crazy as this all is, I keep asking myself and doubting myself after the things he said.

This has to get easier. I can't continue like this. I was feeling a bit better, but seeing those messages just set me back.

I wish we could just erase and go back. I have become his self hated, as he projected it all onto me and I know he'll never be back.

If I tried to remain in contact, I think I'd just push him further away. I can't win.

[Raybo48]

This is all very new especially if you spoke just three days ago.  Everything you are going through is very normal and it will take time to process it all and heal from the pain.  It's great you are seeing a T and that should help you immensely. 

A member in your other thread said something along the lines of 2 steps forward and 4 back... It's the truth, we have all been there and are going through it right now every day.   

[EaglesJuju]

Does anyone have advice on what happened when they tried to talk to their exBPD?

Its been two weeks. The mornings and nights are the hardest to get through. I wake up and go to sleep ... he's still my thought.

I logged into an old e-mail account about an hour ago and found old text messages. He was the most romantic, loving and caring person. He needed me and never went long without texting me. Even in the military, he "came home to be with me." He took EVERY opportunity to tell me how much he loved me. He used to say "You are exactly what I need. I know I have this disorder and I have a long way to go, but thank you for loving me."

Now, there is NC. I've tried to talk and he was so cold and distant. We spoke three days ago, and he was nasty and blamed everything on me. He said "I dont know what you want from me. I answered you. I was civil. I could've blocked your number or not answered, but I answered."

I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow as I try to make sense of all of this.

I keep asking myself WHY! Why did this happen? And as crazy as this all is, I keep asking myself and doubting myself after the things he said.

This has to get easier. I can't continue like this. I was feeling a bit better, but seeing those messages just set me back.

I wish we could just erase and go back. I have become his self hated, as he projected it all onto me and I know he'll never be back.

If I tried to remain in contact, I think I'd just push him further away. I can't win.

Hi lovethebeach.  I know this is incredibly hard for you but, it will get easier.  Hang in there!  

The first step you should take is to stop looking at old e-mails, texts, letters, cards, and pictures.  Ruminating about the past is truly not helpful.  I did it too and it made an already difficult situation worse.  Fight the urge, you can do it!

Second, it seems like you are undecided on whether to go NC or try to talk to him. You have to make that decision.

Third, you have to stop blaming yourself and understand that your bf's behaviors are not your fault. It is hard to rationalize and understand what they say because, they have a mental illness.  You will go crazy trying to interpret everything.

When my uBPDbf left 2 months ago, he projected on to me and was very nasty.  He could not even talk to me on the phone because, my voice made him upset.  Logically, I know I did nothing to make him upset.  He just associated me and my voice with his anger/sadness/etc. We barely talked on the phone and texted every once in awhile.  I began to notice if I was talking to him on the phone and I was crying or upset, he got angry.  Of course I did nothing to make him angry but, he felt shame for leaving and making me sad.  I knew he was dysregulating, so I gave him space and texted him a few times a week.  I made sure I did not text anything that would trigger him, like questions or feelings.  Whenever something "uncomfortable" got brought up, I used SET.  Now we are talking on a regular basis.  This is advice if you want to continue the relationship.  If you decide not to the best way to heal is go NC.  Keep focusing on you, no matter what.  Seeing a therapist is a step in the right direction.

 

[lovethebeach]

SET?

[EaglesJuju]

SET?

It is a communication tool.

[lovethebeach]

How did you decide to continue in the relationship? Or make a choice one way or another?

[Deeno02]

How did you decide to continue in the relationship? Or make a choice one way or another?

I think he may have made that choice already for you, LTB. Follow your head, not your heart. You know this is wrong and you deserve better. I finally followed my head, and while it's hurts to be without her and her kids, I'm more important. As you are too.

[EaglesJuju]

How did you decide to continue in the relationship? Or make a choice one way or another?

I looked at the suggestions on the undecided board. The first thing I did was accept that he has a mental illness and his behavior was a cause of it.  You have to radically accept that and realize that the things you are going through now, will continue, especially if he is untreated.  Also, I stopped blaming myself for his behaviors and started focusing on my issues.  For example, what  my role was/is in the relationship.  Therapy, therapy, and more therapy where I focused on myself.  To be in a relationship with a pwBPD you need to essentially have a tough skin.  If you do not want the rollercoaster ride or are willing to endure this, it is best to go NC. 

I am not entirely familiar with your situation, I don't remember all of the circumstances of what happened. 

[survivalmode27]

I have been with my dBPDh for 12 years now. I wish we could go back to the beginning as well. But those days are long gone. I know that they are. His NP Dad cheated on his BPD mother and since then it has been a battle between me and his mother. This has caused more damage than my marriage can handle. If I did not have two young kids I would be going NC as well.

I wish you the best, but it seems there are very few that ever get help and are able to overcome this disease. You have to make a choice to stay or go, I am in the say place.