Does Support Matter in this Unique Experience?

[Hope0807]

Is it this unusual experience we share of shattering from the fallout of a relationship with someone like this (disordered) that feels particularly horrific?

They say your support network is everything.  I've experienced breakups and ultra sad life events.  Nothing has affected me like this.  It's not something I can easily speak about with even those willing to listen.  It's not that I have difficulty talking about it all - it's just that it's all so bizarre I think it's too tough for others to really absorb what's truly happened to me on a deep psychological level.

Thankfully I am healing more than reeling these days, but I suffer the reality of a lack of support and would like to know if anyone feels the same or is in the same boat.  I'm 40, was hoping to  - but could never commit myself to starting a family with my ex (so no children), have no siblings, and my mom is bed bound and no longer of sound mind.  My job keeps me occupied and fulfilled during the day.  I'm too sad, too often, and hate the reality of being so alone.  I have great friends/coworkers but am not one to overwhelm them with what I'm going through.  

[Raybo48]

Is it this unusual experience we share of shattering from the fallout of a relationship with someone like this (disordered) that feels particularly horrific?

They say your support network is everything.  I've experienced breakups and ultra sad life events.  Nothing has affected me like this.  It's not something I can easily speak about with even those willing to listen.  It's not that I have difficulty talking about it all - it's just that it's all so bizarre I think it's too tough for others to really absorb what's truly happened to me on a deep psychological level.

Thankfully I am healing more than reeling these days, but I suffer the reality of a lack of support and would like to know if anyone feels the same or is in the same boat.  I'm 40, was hoping to  - but could never commit myself to starting a family with my ex (so no children), have no siblings, and my mom is bed bound and no longer of sound mind.  My job keeps me occupied and fulfilled during the day.  I'm too sad, too often, and hate the reality of being so alone.  I have great friends/coworkers but am not one to overwhelm them with what I'm going through.  

I think it's a hard thing to talk about with some people.   I tried talking to a couple of close friends when things were getting really bad and when I mentioned BPD I was immediately told not to 'label' my soon to be ex.   I came to the conclusion that unless a person is directly involved with someone with a disorder they just don't understand, and if you think about it how could they?

I'm finding this group to be extremely helpful because everyone on here understands and they are all here to provide support and encouragement.  I haven't been here that long, but it's helped me already.  I'm also seeing a T, which is extremely helpful in sorting out my own issues and why I was attracted to my exBPD in the first place.

[ajr5679]

i am in the same boat. i have  no parents both have passed away . i was adopted so family is something i dont have. my friends are all in great relationships and they don`t understand what i am talking about. they just say she is crazy and we are glad it is over. my therapist feels i am codependent and i also have ptsd. so she wants me to take my life back . it is just so hard to flip a switch and be happy again . when you feel like a piece of you is missing.

[Raybo48]

i am in the same boat. i have  no parents both have passed away . i was adopted so family is something i dont have. my friends are all in great relationships and they don`t understand what i am talking about. they just say she is crazy and we are glad it is over. my therapist feels i am codependent and i also have ptsd. so she wants me to take my life back . it is just so hard to flip a switch and be happy again . when you feel like a piece of you is missing.

Same here with the Co-dependent.  That's what we are all here for... To lean on each other.  So lean... . 

[Hope0807]

Thanks for the support and I agree that it's impossible for others to truly understand.  Most of my friends just ask the same things, "So is it done yet?"  "Is the divorce final?" - like the divorce date will somehow wipe away the trauma of the horror-show hindsight into 7 years with a disordered drug addict has brought me.  I'm working hard to tip the scales in my direction by being kind and compassionate to myself and smartening up so I am never taken advantage of by such a monumental piece of garbage again.

My ex is not a part of me and I don't miss him.  What I do miss is the part of me I lost while being swirled into his world of chaos that demanded my rescuing of him at every turn, every day, in some way.  I'm disgusted with myself that I allowed someone who marches through life with a mask and false versions of characteristics that I thought made him an ideal mate for life to nearly steal my soul.  I was duped.

I attend a weekly support group for family and loved ones of addicts.  If only there were such a group for survivors of psychopaths, pwPDs etc.[/quote]
I think it's a hard thing to talk about with some people.   I tried talking to a couple of close friends when things were getting really bad and when I mentioned BPD I was immediately told not to 'label' my soon to be ex.   I came to the conclusion that unless a person is directly involved with someone with a disorder they just don't understand, and if you think about it how could they?

I'm finding this group to be extremely helpful because everyone on here understands and they are all here to provide support and encouragement.  I haven't been here that long, but it's helped me already.  I'm also seeing a T, which is extremely helpful in sorting out my own issues and why I was attracted to my exBPD in the first place. [/quote]

i am in the same boat. i have  no parents both have passed away . i was adopted so family is something i dont have. my friends are all in great relationships and they don`t understand what i am talking about. they just say she is crazy and we are glad it is over. my therapist feels i am codependent and i also have ptsd. so she wants me to take my life back . it is just so hard to flip a switch and be happy again . when you feel like a piece of you is missing.

[vortex of confusion]

I have found it difficult to talk to people as it seems to be of one extreme or the other. On one end is the people that say dump his a$$ and be done with it. On the other end, I have people telling me to suck it up and stick it out. All he needs is for me to take care of him. He would be lost without you, blah, blah, blah. . .

And then, I don't even try to get into the specifics because trying to explain things makes me feel like a walking contradiction because of the contradictory and weird nature of the behavior. And it doesn't help that a lot of times the casual observer thinks that you are the one that is the problem because my partner has put on such a good show for so many years. Publicly, he will say all kinds of nice and doting things but in private he ignores me and seems to be a different person.

I talk to one of my close female friends from time to time and she gets that overly sympathetic sing song voice almost like she feels sorry for me. It is almost like I can feel and hear the contempt in her voice.

[SeaShellz]

Same boat. When I try explaining to others they just don't understand and I can't possibly tell them all the lunatic things he has done. A dozen broken cell phones, my purse in a tree, slicing his wrists by my face screaming, "You're making me do this!", attempts at cheating, and lies, drug addiction, got me arrested twice for false accusations, etc. And then only people who have been through this would understand why I stayed for 4 years. My few friends are tired of hearing about how upset I am about someone who has done this to me.

[Pingo]

I have one good friend who, although she hasn't been with a pwBPD, was cheated on and heartbroken by her exh and she really empathises with me and knows how long it can take to grieve.  She is still shocked when I tell her about what my reality was like, sometimes she gets enraged with him.  Other than her, no one knows.  I avoid speaking about it.  I dread when I meet an acquaintance as I just pray they don't ask about my husband.  I have told very few people I'm even separated and it's been going on 5 mths... .it's such an uncomfortable subject to broach.  I am estranged from my family so I don't think they even know.  Having my one good friend and my counsellor and this forum is all the support I really have right now and I'm so thankful for you all!

[Ihope2]

Dear Hope 0807

I think you will find that we all have the craziest stories to tell about our own lives, our own dysfunctional FOO's, perhaps, and about our BPD SO's and their history and what happened in our relationship with them.

What we have been dealing with is definitely very far removed from a normal, psychologically healthy and balanced situation.

So I think you will find understanding and resonance here amongst others who have witnessed and have had to cope with the most painful and unbelievable things.

[Tiepje3]

Is it this unusual experience we share of shattering from the fallout of a relationship with someone like this (disordered) that feels particularly horrific?

They say your support network is everything.  I've experienced breakups and ultra sad life events.  Nothing has affected me like this.  It's not something I can easily speak about with even those willing to listen.  It's not that I have difficulty talking about it all - it's just that it's all so bizarre I think it's too tough for others to really absorb what's truly happened to me on a deep psychological level.

Thankfully I am healing more than reeling these days, but I suffer the reality of a lack of support and would like to know if anyone feels the same or is in the same boat.  I'm 40, was hoping to  - but could never commit myself to starting a family with my ex (so no children), have no siblings, and my mom is bed bound and no longer of sound mind.  My job keeps me occupied and fulfilled during the day.  I'm too sad, too often, and hate the reality of being so alone.  I have great friends/coworkers but am not one to overwhelm them with what I'm going through.  

I don't feel like I get enough support from my support network. They don't understand. They try to brush it off by saying that I'm better off now, the sun will shine again, good times will come soon, he wasn't worth it etcetera... .Nice, but not the things you want to hear actually. I did tell most of them about his strange and dissociative and punitive behaviour but no one who hasn't been in the situation really (like: really) understands it.

On this board I feel like people understand all the varying emotions: was it me or BPD, being doubtful, regrets, the numerous 'why's', the feeling of being let down, the feeling of having let yourself down, the feeling of maybe having wasted so many years for what, the rejection, the ST, the total turnabout of someone who was the love of your life. So many emotions and none really understood by 'outsiders'.

I don't even know if I want to make them understand more. Instead I guess I'll just stick around here and get the validation that I sometimes seek.

So thanks everyone on this board for understanding!

[SpringInMyStep]

I feel the same way. I do have friends, but none of them said anything about how horrible my relationship was until I announced that we were divorcing! They all said things like "it's about time!, good!, well we could tell you were miserable... ."

Really? I asked one of my friends why no one said anything and he just said "you wouldn't have listened".

Regarding my family, I do have a sister and she's supportive in her own little way, but cannot really understand how this experience feels. I don't discuss this kind of thing with my parents... .they're just older and really out of touch with life.

I do have a therapist, which is nice, but yeah, I believe that only people who have gone through it really understand the impact it has.

[BlackandBlue]

I know exactly what you're going through. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and I have zero support except for my therapist. I've tried talking to my family (mom and sister is all I have) and they mean well but have no clue what I'm going through. I really have no friends at all either... .this is so hard

[Hope0807]

You all on here are awesome!

[Deeno02]

You all on here are awesome!

Unrelated to my BPD/GF, but when I was married and I found out that she was cheating on me, all my "friends" were like we knew about it, but we didnt want to say anything. Well, thanks a bunch folks... jeez... .

[Hope0807]

Unbelievable!  Ugh.  I think we all struggle with wondering who we can trust and how much after this.  I've been WAYYYY too trusting across the board and after this, I'm already drastically more cautious.

You all on here are awesome!

Unrelated to my BPD/GF, but when I was married and I found out that she was cheating on me, all my "friends" were like we knew about it, but we didnt want to say anything. Well, thanks a bunch folks... jeez... .

[Deeno02]

Unbelievable!  Ugh.  I think we all struggle with wondering who we can trust and how much after this.  I've been WAYYYY too trusting across the board and after this, I'm already drastically more cautious.

You all on here are awesome!

Unrelated to my BPD/GF, but when I was married and I found out that she was cheating on me, all my "friends" were like we knew about it, but we didnt want to say anything. Well, thanks a bunch folks... jeez... .

Exactly Hope... .Going to cause me trouble in future relationships because of this. I loved both of them completely and both times, although my girlfriend didnt cheat, I have had the rug pulled out from under me.