I have to vent

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So brief recap - I'm divorcing my BPD wife after taking care of her for almost an entire year and putting my needs aside. It's so much better without her but I think I still have a lot to work on.

I find I'm still looking at her online dating profile and the only reason I can think of is that I need to see the evidence of the "crazy" still happening. (and trust me, it still is) I thought more about it and realized that I need to be reassured that yes, she did emotionally abuse me and it's not my fault. I did not know she had BPD till after we were married. I did not know she was never going to get better. For those reasons, I overlooked a lot of her strange behavior. So I decided to write down a list of weird things she's done and post it on my online journal.

I feel a bit better. I figure I can go read that list every time I get mad at her and realize that looking back on it, all those things were really really crazy! I went through a LOT of stuff that not many people understand and it's hard to talk about.

The list is way too long to post here, I think.

[SpringInMyStep]

So brief recap - I'm divorcing my BPD wife after taking care of her for almost an entire year and putting my needs aside. It's so much better without her but I think I still have a lot to work on.

I find I'm still looking at her online dating profile and the only reason I can think of is that I need to see the evidence of the "crazy" still happening. (and trust me, it still is) I thought more about it and realized that I need to be reassured that yes, she did emotionally abuse me and it's not my fault. I did not know she had BPD till after we were married. I did not know she was never going to get better. For those reasons, I overlooked a lot of her strange behavior. So I decided to write down a list of weird things she's done and post it on my online journal.

I feel a bit better. I figure I can go read that list every time I get mad at her and realize that looking back on it, all those things were really really crazy! I went through a LOT of stuff that not many people understand and it's hard to talk about.

The list is way too long to post here, I think.

[Arminius]

Mate, stop looking at her profile. Delete her FB, cut her out. Worked for me. I still have moments, but if I'd kept looking I'd still be a shell.

[SpringInMyStep]

Thanks... .yes, she's already blocked and deleted from FB and all other social network things, it's just that damn profile is so tempting to look at. But I'm gonna try... .

[Inside]

Hey Strawberries,

... .I’d like to see your list…  it still floors me how close BPD behavior matches that of others with the same.  I’d considered a list, but instead, copied and saved a bunch of ‘word files’ (10 pages each!) of advice and descriptions of various BPD behaviour, much of it from around here.  Thinking I was ‘finally free’ of her… several months ago I deleted most of them… only to find myself back here ... .reading on

It feels like a ‘whatever gets you through your life’ situation when you’re in the thick of it… just one day at a time. 

Something that has helped me understand what I’d experienced (3.5 years with an uxBPDgf) was to seek out ‘testimonials’ or descriptions of life with BPD from those suffering from it.  Though hard to read, so painful my rescuer instinct trys to kick in … it describes the level of pain & confusion they experience and allows ‘us’ to perhaps realize and understand why it could never work... .  Occasionally such a description is mistakenly posted on the ‘new members board’ here.  Again, painful and heartbreaking to read…

Though during our r/s, we’re made to feel nuts, as their condition and pain is blamed on ‘us.’  And for a long time, we give undue credibility to such accusations.  But it was all a defence mechanism on their part, their crazy way of spinning a web of lies to cover their inability to function in life, let alone a r/s. 

I don’t know if they have the capability to perceive our devotion or loyalty … as they run in fear from person to person looking for a savior…  And though it’s not our fault - it nearly kills us!  We love them, but they don’t understand the meaning of the word.  So, they try to hurt us, to lesson our credibility so as to ignore our fears, concerns, expectations or criticisms.  With their fingers in their ears and screaming - they refuse to hear us… our lovers were merely children pretending to be adults.

So we do what we can to get over our perceived loss, while they do all they can to convince us it was a loss…  It was an experience, loving and painful.  The best we can do is consider it a learning experience…  We’ll no doubt spot it (BPD) a lot sooner next time, as we’ll carry the scars of not having spotted it before.  And perhaps we’ll also recognise what ‘in us’ had us blind … and fix that.  Around here, I think we’re doin that

[Arminius]

Inside,  that was a super post. Thank you.

[SpringInMyStep]

Ok here is my list... .it's pretty long. A couple things to know before reading: I am a woman, she is MtF transgender, we were polyamorous (though I later became uncomfortable with it).

•   She claims she has multiple personalities

•   Different personalities were “born” when she used heroin, LSD, etc etc etc

•   Her personalities “raped” each other

•   They had relationships and got married to each other (on the inside)

•   They had children with each other – child personalities were “conceived”

•   Every single thing would trigger her – triggers are defined as:  "something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma", NOT simply something that you don't like. No one person can possibly have as many triggers as she claims to.

•   She’s a drug addict and says she’s tried every drug

•   She is addicted to kratom and sleeping pills

•   She lied to me on numerous occasions and twisted the truth to meet her needs and get what she wanted. Then if I questioned something, she would conveniently explain it away as some part of her "trauma" or "PTSD". (I say non-existent trauma and PTSD because she never had any and it's ALL related to her untreated BPD)

•   We could never go out and do anything because she'd get "triggered" and we'd have to run home. Yet mysteriously she was able to date that guy and go out and do things with him. Just not me. Whatever (Example 1: we went to the farmer's market and she got freaked out by a security guard. There goes our nice summer day. She ran and hid and I had to buy the things and then escort her home where we immediately went into emergency mode. Example 2: we took my dog with us to get her nails trimmed and have pie at the place next door. A dog barked and she RAN around the corner, which of course immediately puts us into emergency mode, we have to rush home, and she gets to control everything, Example 3: we went out for dinner. A guy was sitting behind her in the other booth. We had to trade places. I'm sorry, but if you're so afraid of guys that you can't sit in the booth behind them, you probably shouldn't be dating them. This is why I call BS on everything. She lies.)

•   She lies to her therapist

•   She lies to her medical doctor so she can keep getting Xanax and other drugs (he knows nothing about her mental health diagnoses except “PTSD”)

•   She would lie on the sofa or in bed all day while I go to work, then I’d come home and do everything around the house.

•   Sometimes I’d come home from work to find her in the bedroom with the door shut for no apparent reason

•   She’d quite often have to “hide” from me in the bedroom when I “triggered” her (meaning I dared to express my opinion about something)

•   She did self-harm – once “Delilah” found my exacto knife and cut herself a LOT and I found her in the bed looking all woozy and “high”

•   She threatened to jump off the roof of our condo building all the time.

•   She once holed herself up in a hotel room with Xanax and wine, threatening suicide, then got mad when another friend and I got upset with her. How exactly were we supposed to feel?

•   She got seriously mad at me because I didn’t like Pink HAHAHA!

•   She claimed that music “fused with her spine” and it meant a lot to her so insulting the music was insulting her

•   She found the matches and tried to burn herself – I had to throw them all away

•   I had to keep all of our medicines in the storage unit

•   I had to get rid of any blade-like things, but kept my kitchen knives because um hello, I need them for cooking. Then one night she got up when I was asleep and cut herself with my kitchen knife. I don’t even know if she washed it after doing that.

•   One night she got up in the middle of the night and I heard the front door close. I RAN out into the hall way and saw her wearing some of my old clothes from the goodwill bag, on her way to the roof.

•   One day I came home from work and she wasn’t home. I texted her and she said she was in the stairwell on her way downstairs to meet someone. I said please come back up here. She was on her way to meet a friend of hers to buy drugs. I was so mad. I should’ve just let her do that and then kicked her out of my condo.

•   One Friday night after the tech at the laser hair removal place put a cream on her (which is the normal procedure!) she freaked out and asked me to go down to the storage unit and get her an anti-psychotic. She only did that so she could gather all the pills that were in the condo while I was gone! I came back, gave her the pill, she downed them all and then told me about it. I freaked out. We researched if that combo of drugs could really kill her. She didn't wanna go to the ER because then they'd commit her. So I made her throw up, then fed her coffee and kept her awake for a few hours till we felt it was safe to go to sleep.

•   She almost never wore clothes at home

•   When my friend came over once, my wife insisted on lying on the sofa, but the friend sat on the end and she put her feet in his lap and asked for a foot rub.

•   Personalities would force another personality to go live on webcam and perform for guys. Real guys on the internet who could see her. In my condo. While I was at work.

•   Personalities would force another personality to make a Craigslist ad and they came very close to having a guy over while I was at work to “rape” her. I told her if that happened, she probably couldn't live here anymore because I can’t have that kind of thing going on in my home, then she made ME into the bad guy for saying that. Seriously!

•   She went to a gay male bathhouse, then blamed her other personality for “forcing” her to go, then begged me to not think badly of her. BS! She obviously wanted to be with a guy but had to make herself into the victim. Just say you want to have sex with a man! Don’t make it an entire game to manipulate me.

•   She wore a see-thru white tank top at Starbucks before her therapy apt. and then acted all surprised when a guy asked if she was cold

•   She saw that SAME guy on the bus one time, he asked her to pat him on the head and SHE DID IT, claiming she didn’t know till after that it was sexual. Then she felt guilty and bad about herself.

•   She dated a really gross disgusting guy and knew it was hurting me but did it anyway. I now know she was trying to drive me away.

•   She accused me of being a racist when I told her that she probably shouldn’t date black guys given that she was afraid of them (because a black man groped her on a bus one time). BIG argument ensued. She’s the one afraid of black guys, not me.

•   I was afraid all the time that she’d kill herself, harm herself, and I was afraid to come home from work not knowing what I’d find

•   I was afraid to go to work because then I’d have to leave her alone all day

•   My work suffered – I missed a lot and took several vacation days including a week of FMLA for her

•   She slept horribly and usually kept me up too – I was a walking zombie for months

•   She never helped around the house and when she tried to, she’d do something halfway and “forget” to do the rest of it. No thanks.

•   I broke my shoulder and she only helped walk the dog for the first week or so, then she “got sick” and couldn’t. Meanwhile, I still did everything including her laundry WITH A BROKEN SHOULDER.

•   I paid for us to Uber home from therapy every Tuesday so she wouldn’t have to ride the bus

•   I paid for a lot of Uber rides so we could get her home quickly and safely

•   I paid for everything

•   I wasn’t allowed to have different opinions or strong emotions around her because that would “trigger” her. Seriously, if I merely thought something different than she did, she could not handle it.

•   She was always “sick” and lying around so I’d do everything and wait on her

•   One evening after therapy, one of her “personalities” ended up on the bed under a blanket, not talking, then slowly making their way across the floor and to the kitchen where she huddled in the corner for a while, then suddenly popped up and scared the crap outta me and then she was “someone else”. I still have no idea what that was about.

•   She told me that if I got sick when I got older, she wouldn’t take care of me. (What the heck?)

•   She was very judgmental of my intelligence and talked down to me if I didn’t know words or things that she knew

•   She refused to make any phone calls and I had to take care of everything

•   I requested and picked up her prescriptions monthly from the pharmacy – paid for them most of the time out of my own money

•   Some days she’d act anorexic, some days she’d devour food.

•   One day she came home and said she got a drug dealer’s phone number downtown while waiting for the bus. I grabbed her phone and deleted the number. Oh and it was a black guy. Who she is allegedly afraid of. Same thing at the bath house…the guy she messed around with was black.

•   She was overtly sexual and pressured me into sex when I really didn’t want to, but then if I said I wasn’t in the mood, she’d be “triggered” and freak out that I didn’t want her, so I ended up just doing it anyway.

•   She accused me of causing her sciatica pain and even though she refused to go to a doctor, she stayed in bed for an entire month and I had to move myself in there if I wanted to see her. I mean we ate dinner in bed and everything. I packed her a lunch and breakfast and put it in an insulated bag right by the bed.

•   When her back was still hurting, she invited over a girl from ok cupid and the girl brought a friend with her. My wife insisted on lying down, taking up the ENTIRE sofa so no one else could sit there. The rest of us sat on footstools and barstools while she sat there like a freaking diva, completely ignoring common courtesy of having guests over. No surprise, that girl never wanted to see us again.

•   I was afraid to have her around my friends because she had a list of words you weren’t allowed to say in front of her and my friends won’t play that game. So basically I was isolated from everyone I knew because I was embarrassed to introduce her to them.

•   She sent really crazy letters to family members and then wondered why they didn’t want to talk to her. I think she freaked them out with all of her weird manifestos in which she revealed very personal things about herself to grandparents, mother, sister. I didn’t know how to explain to her that what she was writing would come off as completely crazy!

•   She always thought she knew better than anyone else and would rant about how everything should be “this way” or “that way” and everyone else was wrong and she was right.

•   She made me walk places when I’m not in the same fitness level that she was. She’d actually say stuff about how “walking is good for you”. I ___ing know that and I’m walking as fast as I can to try and keep up with you and besides, I didn’t ask for a personal trainer. She really was mean to me in those situations.

•   She would tell me I should “go out and have a life”, but every single time I would schedule something, either a date or drinks with a friend, she would have some “emergency” and I’d have to cancel. She claimed I didn’t have to cancel, but that was just manipulation on her part to get me to stay home without actually asking me to.

•   I lost friends because of her.

•   She was really frugal/cheap about money and tried to get me to pay for everything, but at the same time lecture me about saving for the future. She tried to make me watch Suzie Orman financial videos and when I refused, she got really mad. I am not a child and don’t need my wife to lecture me on things.

•   She told me that she wanted to marry her ex (now our mutual friend) who said they didn’t want to get married but basically I was her second choice. Why did I marry someone who had me as their SECOND choice?

•   I don’t think she was attracted to me. You could just tell with the things she’d say. She always had to be the “cute” or “pretty” one. Um hi, I’m pretty. And I’m a real woman, thanks.

•   Speaking of real women…she had the nerve to lecture me on what women should or should not do, think or not think. I find it extremely offensive that someone who was raised as a male would feel that they were qualified to talk that way about people who actually grew up with the female experience. She’ll never know what women really struggle with because she’s never had to struggle with that. You cannot have it both ways. You can’t decide to transition and then act like “Hey here I am! I’m now in your club and I’m gonna tell you how everything should be!” Um, no. We get that enough from cis males and don’t need it from trans girls. I don’t need any “trans-splaining”.

[Inside]

Inside,  that was a super post. Thank you.

Arminius, you are of course, welcome.  This has been my place to heal, so it only seems right I attempt to share with those not so far alone.  And, after reading reams of ‘this stuff,’ I had better be getting some kind of a handle on it

... .speaking of reams…  WOW... .

Ok here is my list... .it's pretty long.

... .be careful what I ask for    No, thank you for sharing ... .though it may take me awhile to look it over

[Inside]

---  wow… glad I never married my uBPDxgf of 3.5 years (I say ‘undiagnosed’ but doubt she’d have honestly told me if she had been) … though she’d pressured me to.  All those ‘personalities,’ I’ve not read a lot about that regarding BPD, but suspect pwBPD would likely ‘keep that’ to themselves if at all possible.  Though it often appeared to me that my BPx was ‘debating’ silently with herself   Hard to believe your wife would feel that those battling personalities would ‘legitimise’ such outrageous behavior.  Definitely a realm beyond my understanding or comprehension…

But again, I could easily insert my xBPgf into many of those slots or behaviors.  I’d say yours was damn lucky to have ever met you, you sound sane and solid - and not simply by comparison.  Your instinctive morals and reasoning no doubt saved her life.  But at what cost to you... ?  These r/s’s aren't called Lopsided for no reason  

You’ve just shared a list of stuff I’ve only filtered out slowly around here… definitely embarrassed by the thought of listing the total craziness I kept going back for more of.  I think we get so good at ignoring red flags that we stop seeing them ... .though you apparently kept track  

We did seven recycles that I could track, until it was obvious to even us that it had to end (I'm nearly a year out).  ... .but it couldn’t ‘just end,’ it has to linger … in case she ever needs to reattach… 

Here’s a place I’ve been doing some serious reading lately: https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships 

... .seemed to find a great deal of my personality in there, so that’s what I’m working on recognizing.  Love isn’t constantly handing your life energy to someone then expecting it to be returned.  ... .but I hope it’s not a ‘quid pro quo,’ either.  It should be balanced, not lopsided.

Thanks again for sharing your experience, it’s added to the richness of this site

[SpringInMyStep]

Thanks, Inside! Originally I wasn't going to post it here because for some reason I'm self-conscious about sounding too whiny. Ha. But it really helped to write all that down to help realize that this stuff was totally crazy and not my fault! All I did was love her and take care of her and for a while I had hope that she'd "get better". Until I found out it was BPD.

The thing with the personalities... .see, BPDs have such a shaky sense if identity that they dissociate a lot, so I really feel that it's not really multiple personalities, rather it's her way of not taking responsibility for her actions. Plus, she has a really terrible therapist who is not treating her for BPD, but that she can manipulate and lie to. It's not cool.

Yes, good move not actually getting married. I ask myself why I did that.

Thanks for that link... .I will read it later. I'm not dating at all right now because I need to figure out who I am... .what things I like to do. I'm getting a lot of medical/dental issues taken care of because I can finally devote time to myself and not just keeping my wife alive. So it feels good to focus on just me.

[Inside]

All I did was love her and take care of her and for a while I had hope that she'd "get better". Until I found out it was BPD.

I had to figure out the BPD, too ... .cuz she wasn’t going to tell me…  Learned all I could and gave all I had (too) to ‘save her.’  Didn’t help. Got worse, every ‘recycle was shorter than the last…  She seemed to feel she was flawed, and that ‘that’ was the only way I viewed her.  I know she tried harder than with previous hosts, but then we met through a group of mutual friends where I’d come highly ‘recommended’ and she didn’t want to appear as though she were messed up.  But she still is, as I’m slowing getting better  ... .I’m about to look over a calendar to determine when my official ‘last day with occurred,’ nearly a year ago(!). 

Time heals, but too damn slowly it seems…

The thing with the personalities... .see, BPDs have such a shaky sense of identity that they dissociate a lot, so I really feel that it's not really multiple personalities, rather it's her way of not taking responsibility for her actions.

I distinctly remember watching my BPx dissociate, just staring into space with a very concerned look.  I thought it was kinda cool, now I assume she was calculating ‘which her’ to be… the witch, lover, or friend…  It never made sense  

But your wife ... .having two of her interior personalities produce a child - that she’d also become … WoW  - could you even made that stuff up? 

... .months ago I read about a movie starring Kirsten Wiig of SNL fame portraying a BPD.  Assuming (around here) it would be ‘a hit,’ if likely a comedy ... .I’ve not heard a thing.  But if the writers got ahold of ‘your list’ - they’d likely do a rewrite to include some of that.  I guess we’ve now met Crazy  

Hope you find the codependent stuff helpful, or not… I have, and it’s likely my latest reason for backing away from actively seeking a mate.  I don’t need another costly mistake