Is this resentment I'm feeling? Or nothing at all?

[littlebirdcline]

I have been away from the board for a few months, as my life has been so busy I haven't had time to focus on my mother or dealing with my issues with her.  I shared this summer the history with my BPD mom and the giant blow up we had this summer, followed by a long silence.  Eventually, we started talking again, but not nearly as frequently as before, and much more strained.  At first, I could tell she was trying to be on her "best behavior", even though she thought I was wrong, she was "humoring" me.  There were a few pleasant and relaxed conversations, but mostly, it's been tense and forced.  The vast majority of the time I have called (she never calls me), it was because I knew if I didn't she would get angry, not because I actually wanted to talk to her.  I was doing well with maintaining boundaries, and not letting things get to me.  I was seriously contemplating taking my son to their house, several states away, over Christmas break. 

Over the past 5 or 6 weeks, I could tell she was getting more defensive and hostile, but frankly, I have been so swamped at work and with a sick child, I have just done my best to ignore it.  Frankly, I don't have time to deal with her or work on this for myself, but I don't really have any choice, do I?  Anyway, yesterday, the subtle digs turned into a full fledged attempt to bait me into an argument.  I was confiding something scary and stressful from work, and she turned it into an excuse to bring up how I attack and judge her.  I am proud to say I just took a pause and then said, "I will talk to you later", and hung up.  I haven't heard from her since.  But it sent me into a spiral.  I have narcolepsy with mild cataplexy, and emotional stress of that magnitude literally drains all the energy from my body and makes it hard to function.  So here I am, going to an impromptu therapy session this afternoon, spending time trying to parse my relationship with her when I really need to be doing work.

I am so incredibly tired of this.  Part of me wants to be the kind of person who can let it roll off me, learn not to take the bait, AND not let it bother me.  But I just don't think I can.  I am tired of not being allowed to be my authentic self with her.  I am tired of constantly analyzing every word, tone of voice, etc... ., waiting for the next time I'm going to have to redirect her or hang up the phone.  It is clear that I can't go to her house.  Even if I try to avoid conflict, she will escalate the attacks until she gets what she wants- another blow up.  She wants me to apologize and admit that every bit of truth I have told her about herself is false so she can maintain her warped, sick narrative of how everyone is out to get her and she is perfect. 

I know she is sick.  I know she can't help it.  But I'm tired of having to be the bigger person.  I'm tired of everyone in my family expecting me to just subjugate myself and acting like I'm the bad guy because I won't let her continue to walk all over me.  I'm tired of being told I'm too sensitive and to just ignore her.  I am sensitive.  Frankly, I think it's one of my best qualities.  I am an actor, teacher, mother, wife.  I'm damn good at those things.  Being sensitive is part of the reason why.  It's hard to turn it off with one particular person.  Especially when someone who is sensitive and anxious needs a mother who is unconditionally supportive and a safe place- which my mother is definitely not.  I have lost my ability to feel compassion for her.  I am ashamed to admit that.  I just don't know what I'm working so hard for.  Not for me.  I'm not getting nearly enough positive things from the relationship to justify all this work.  I feel like I have failed as a daughter, like I'm just not strong enough to give her the tolerance she needs.

Sorry for rambling.  I just thought I was dealing with this okay, and I realized in the last 36 hours that I have just been suppressing it these past few months.

Any insight is appreciated.

[jmanvo2015]

Hi littlebirdcline.

I relate to every single word of this post, so I wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone.  I told my therapist recently that there has not been one single person in my life - no boss, or boyfriend, or friend - that has ever caused me as much emotional pain or trauma as my uBPD mother. Nobody. Period. End of story.

She has disrupted my life and mental health for as long as I can recall.  So, I am right there on the same page as you with this post.  You didn't need this disruption in your life, but she is causing it nonetheless.  There she is, right there, in your head, making you crazy and insecure and unhappy.  Just like she wants.  Why?  Because it's always got to be about HER and you made the mistake of not making it all about her.  You set a boundary and took a step away.  For BPDs, boundaries are like runners' hurdles - they will jump over them or run around them.  They will do everything except stop in front of them and turn back and go the other way.  You are not allowed to create space or difference between yourself and the disease of BPD.  And, as I've said in other posts, your mother, like mine, has a disease.  She is not her disease.  She has a disease.  And that disease is our enemy, but underneath that disease is a scared and insecure little girl.

A few things that are helping me cope with my mother that I've learned here and other places.

-I am not alone.  Other people on this board, like you, have had the same exact kind of mothers as me. I'm not crazy.  I am finally feeling validated.  The things I've always known about my mother are, indeed, true.  She is mentally ill and it's not my fault. 

-I am not fighting my mother. I am fighting the BPD disease that she has.  When I frame it this way, I am able to set boundaries, but also have compassion for her as a person inflicted with an illness that she can't control and won't get help for.

-I can't win an argument with crazy.  Let me repeat this.  You can't win an argument with crazy.  No matter how much my mother baits me I've finally learned there's no point in responding to her.  Think of JADE (don't Justify, Argue, Deny or Explain). 

-The support group Adult Children of Alcoholics also deals with families of dysfunction and many people in this group have a BPD parent.  This support group has become an incredible tool for my healing. It is so great to sit in a circle and hear other people share similar stories and to know I'm not alone.

-My mother victimized me, but I can do everything in my power to not let her victimize me now.  I am committed to having a happy life - a life that is very different from what she modeled for me.  I will not allow her disease to rob me of my happiness for one more day.

Maybe some of these ideas will help you.  I hope so.  I also think that just by being here and posting here you are on the way to healing and coping.  I was a hot mess when I joined this board 2 months ago.  I had just had the worst fight ever with my uBPD mom and I was traumatized by it and it was plaguing me.  But now two months later, witht the help of this board, ACA and a therapist that specializes in BPD, I am FINALLY finding some peace.  FINALLY.  I know you will too. 

[Louise7777]

Littlebirdcline, as jmanvo said, you are not alone. I completely understand your feelings, and Im sure many others here do too.

"I'm tired of everyone in my family expecting me to just subjugate myself and acting like I'm the bad guy because I won't let her continue to walk all over me.  I'm tired of being told I'm too sensitive and to just ignore her.  I am sensitive.  Frankly, I think it's one of my best qualities. "

That resonates a lot with me. My mom is not BPD, but I have 3 relatives that are uBPD/ HPD. I know how tough it is and very veeery draining. Dont let others make you feel guilty or obligated (remember we are out of the fog).

Something else caught my attention: your child was sick and yet, you were the one phoning her. How about her phoning you and asking about her grandkid´s health? Im saying this cause my uBPD relatives rarely phone, unless they want something. After years of not realizing this, I finally woke up and said enough is enough: Im NC/ VLC with them. I never phone them and the few times they do, I pick up if I want to, I dont feel obligated anymore. And if Im demanded something, I just say no.

Im aware its more difficult for you since its your mom and you havent failed at all, you just stopped part of the abuse (you are still being disrespected). I hope you can establish stronger boundaries, protect yourself and let go of the guilt.