Hi, I'm hoping to find Hope

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Our son is married to a woman who sure appears to have BPD, from all I have read. I have read many books e.g. 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' several times.  About 9 yrs ago she convinced our son of many things that were not true, he believed her or at least wanted to keep the peace, and so they disappeared for a year.  They came back with a second child (age 5 mos) we didn't know we even had another grand child coming.  They said they would come back to our lives if we agreed to never speak of the past. So we agreed.

Things progressed to 'okay' for about 6 yrs, I even was so stupid as to think we were becoming friends, I enjoy many things about her. I love when she laughs and is happy.

Now its is back to 'no contact' again. Our Grandchildren are 9,7 and 6.  We have an 8 yr old daughter we adopted as a baby, who has Down Syndrome.  Due to our DIL's attitude toward special needs issues our grandkids have some trouble with their attitudes as well.  When I tried to talk with her about our daughter's inability to talk and how we could help all 4 kids play together and enjoy it more... .  she blew up and went home and told my son and the kids that we didn't want them in our lives any more.  She changed the phone numbers and text me to let me know she would not put up with me always making her look like the 'bad guy', etc, etc. 

So our son hasn't contacted us either and we were told she would kick him out if our number comes up on his phone. He works away from home so he could call from work ... .  we haven't called him either. We figure he is either happy this way or too trapped to change anything if he did hear the truth. 

My husband says to just walk away and forget them,  my heart is broken, I don't have any confidence to try, don't know what to try and I have no hope.

Guess the hope I have is that you guys might help me gain some insight, wisdom or whatever.  I don't have any compassion for her, no sympathy, no empathy... .maybe willing to gain some, but after years of 'banging my head against hard surfaces'  I'm just trying to lick my wounds.  My husband and other adult kids are just plain sick of her, them (they think he should 'man-up' and of me crying.  I seem to be the one she hates the most.  My adult daughter says that I just 'take the abuse' best, so she chooses me.  My Dad had BPD tendencies and so I learned very early on to just shut up and take it, even if he wasn't right.  But this is my son and grandchildren and I am grieving for the loss of them.

[WannaBhopeful]

Our son is married to a woman who sure appears to have BPD, from all I have read. I have read many books e.g. 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' several times.  About 9 yrs ago she convinced our son of many things that were not true, he believed her or at least wanted to keep the peace, and so they disappeared for a year.  They came back with a second child (age 5 mos) we didn't know we even had another grand child coming.  They said they would come back to our lives if we agreed to never speak of the past. So we agreed.

Things progressed to 'okay' for about 6 yrs, I even was so stupid as to think we were becoming friends, I enjoy many things about her. I love when she laughs and is happy.

Now its is back to 'no contact' again. Our Grandchildren are 9,7 and 6.  We have an 8 yr old daughter we adopted as a baby, who has Down Syndrome.  Due to our DIL's attitude toward special needs issues our grandkids have some trouble with their attitudes as well.  When I tried to talk with her about our daughter's inability to talk and how we could help all 4 kids play together and enjoy it more... .  she blew up and went home and told my son and the kids that we didn't want them in our lives any more.  She changed the phone numbers and text me to let me know she would not put up with me always making her look like the 'bad guy', etc, etc. 

So our son hasn't contacted us either and we were told she would kick him out if our number comes up on his phone. He works away from home so he could call from work ... .  we haven't called him either. We figure he is either happy this way or too trapped to change anything if he did hear the truth. 

My husband says to just walk away and forget them,  my heart is broken, I don't have any confidence to try, don't know what to try and I have no hope.

Guess the hope I have is that you guys might help me gain some insight, wisdom or whatever.  I don't have any compassion for her, no sympathy, no empathy... .maybe willing to gain some, but after years of 'banging my head against hard surfaces'  I'm just trying to lick my wounds.  My husband and other adult kids are just plain sick of her, them (they think he should 'man-up' and of me crying.  I seem to be the one she hates the most.  My adult daughter says that I just 'take the abuse' best, so she chooses me.  My Dad had BPD tendencies and so I learned very early on to just shut up and take it, even if he wasn't right.  But this is my son and grandchildren and I am grieving for the loss of them.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi WannaBhopeful and 

You've chosen a great name, all about hope.

I'm so sorry for the sadness and grief you are going through. Please know that when dealing with a BPD, it has nothing to do with you or the things you've done. They are unpredictable.

There are many great resources here, and lots of help and understanding that will be offered. You are among friends who will listen and grieve with you and offer ideas of hope.

From the time I was 12 years old until I was in my 30's, I lost nearly all contact with my grandpa, aunts, uncles, and cousins because my uBPDm forbid us from talking to them or visiting them. To make it worse, my grandpa (and grandma who died a few months after 'the ban' lived only 1 house away on the same farm. For all those years, even as an adult, I lived in fear of my mom finding out if I ever did have contact for she often informed me that I was betraying her if I ever saw them. I think my own unsureness and not knowing who to trust kept me away even though my uBPDm lived far away. It's the old isolation technique of BPDs. I feared my children's letting the cat out of the bag and saying we had visited, so I rarely or never visited. Now that I'm back in contact with my family and learning who they are, I grieve so incredibly for all the lost years. Thankfully I spent many a good day with my grandfather and my children got to know their great grandfather before he died at 98. Those are memories I cherish now.

Know that in time those grandchildren will be able to make their own choices, and the unconditional love and support you show them will help them through the waters they won't know how to navigate.

Woolspinner