He said, "it's all too sad"

[SickofMe]

I recently (after being baited, I think) made contact with my ex and tried for what feels like the millionth time to have some sort of closure.  I told him I have lots of pictures of him, his kids, and his pets and asked if he wanted them.

We didn't do the normal post breakup thing where you give each other's things back.  I ended up throwing all of his things away when it became clear he didn't want to.

I was hoping that maybe after this much time, he would act differently, he's had time to cool it.

He said:  "It's all too sad.  I'm at a really low spot.  I can't right now.  I'm sorry."

I am respecting this and won't contact him again but I do NOT understand how the person who ended things is the "sad" one and why it would be too difficult for HIM?  Why?  How is it that when he very abruptly broke up with me and refused to even discuss it as adults, it's "all too sad" three months later?

Is he BS'ing me, trying to make me feel guilty? (It worked, a little.)

Or could he really be that sad (as I am) after all this time, but still be too big a coward to even accept an electronic file of photos?

He has been "at a really low spot" since the week before he stopped talking to me.  In August.

[Mutt]

Dr Lawson identifies 4 sub roles in BPD.

Waif, witch, queen, hermit.

A pwBPD may switch from one role to another. Some roles more frequent than others and usually all 4 roles exist.

What I get from his message is waif. It pulls at the heartstrings and may trigger guilty feelings.

He wants sympathy and rescued. Does that sound familiar with your ex?

[SickofMe]

What I get from his message is waif.

He wants sympathy and rescued. Does that sound familiar with your ex?

Yes.  I have thought he is waifish.  Very little boyish.  Both of us are firmly middle-aged.

Ironically, he is a 6' 290 pound man, while I am 5' 5" 115 lb woman who has been described as "waifish" (in appearance only!  I am thin.)  Ha ha ha.

I spent almost three years trying to rescue my knight in shining armor. :/  I realize that is ridiculous.

So you think his saying that bit sounds BPD-trait-like?

[Mutt]

So you think his saying that bit sounds BPD-trait-like?

Absolutely.

The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.  Each requires a different approach. Don't let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. Don't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them. Don't allow yourself to be alone with the Witch; maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety. And with the Waif, don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization; "pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.


The Waif  "learned that submissive behavior was the most adaptive response to an oppressive environment." She also "sees herself as an incompetent failure, and is overly dependent on the approval of others."

The Hermit is "a perfectionist, a worrier, and . . . an insomniac. . . Hermit mothers suffer from persistent fantasies of harm coming to themselves or others, and tend to attribute hostile intentions to others."

Queen mothers "compete with their children for time, attention, love, and money." And "The dramatic and sometimes hysterical behavior of the Queen mother can terrify her children."

And finally, Witch mothers   be "bitter, demanding, sarcastic, and cruel," and "Witch mothers know what to say to hurt or scare their children, and use humiliation and degradation to punish them."

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

[SickofMe]

One thing I feel like I need to add and ask about.  He has really never reached out to me first (although there was some stalking/harrassing (anonymous) behavior right at first.

He has never totally ignored me either when i've tried to talk. Mostly he'll respond to me a few times and then leave me hanging.

He has never told me not to contact him, either.

I feel like the ball is always in my court, but at the same time, he is controlling the court.  I don't know if that makes sense.  It would be easier if he would tell me to leave him alone but he hasn't and, evidently, won't.

Am I imagining this?  Part of me thinks he is too "polite" to tell me to go to hell, but then I remember how brutally he discarded me and I know that etiquette isn't what's guiding his actions.

[SickofMe]

I think I've met the witch but only after the breakup.

I'm intimate with the waif.  Or was, anyhow.

[Mutt]

He has never totally ignored me either when i've tried to talk. Mostly he'll respond to me a few times and then leave me hanging.

If I have this right he left after you had a couple of fights and said he couldn't be in a close relationship and went cold?

[SickofMe]

If I have this right he left after you had a couple of fights and said he couldn't be in a close relationship and went cold?

Yes.  On the heels of his going on and on abt how deeply he felt about me and how he constantly worried I don't love him.

Then I apologized and tried to have a dignified ending.

Then he turned mean and harassed/stalked me.

Then he said he was sorry he'd been mean and it was bc it was easier than being heartbroken.

Then he approached me all "charming" when I was vulnerable.

Then I thought maybe we could finally have some resolution and asked him about if he wanted the photos.

Then "it's all too sad."

Ugh.  I don't understand the process.

[Mutt]

He has never totally ignored me either when i've tried to talk. Mostly he'll respond to me a few times and then leave me hanging.

In this context SickofMe, relationships need communication and it is especially difficult when a partner has BPD. A pwBPD don't have insight of their feelings and what triggers it. That said, a pwBPD fear intimacy and emotional closeness. It triggers anxiety and stress with fear of engulfment. He perceives this as rejection / abandonment.

He was honest with you in regards to not being able to handle close relationships / intimacy. He's feeling engulfed.

[SickofMe]

Today a mutual friend told me my ex had posted on FB asking something about "how to recover from a breakup" about a week ago.

UGH and WOW

I guess he wants his fan club to think he was victimized, too.  This really triggers me.

[Mutt]

I understand it sends the wrong message out on social media and facts seem distorted. Those same people that are on social media weren't behind closed doors. The disorder is triggered by intimacy. There are two sides to every story.

They don't see what's really going on. That said, you know what your truth is. You were there. It is tough. It causes anxiety and stress when our exes are saying things that are out of our control. He's not victimized. He's being waifish and wants people on social media to get pulled in his sense of victimization.

And with the Waif, don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization; "pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.

People on social media are feeding into this dynamic. The thing to do is don't rescue the waif. You know what he's really like being behind those closed doors. I hope that helps SickofMe.

[SickofMe]

He warned me he "wasn't an alpha male" when we first started dating.  Understatement!  I'd never have dated a waif.

It's just really embarrassing.  I'm comforting myself with the fact that he frequently shows his $$ and lack of boundaries on FB.  I have probably pushed the envelope a few times, myself, but I've never put something THAT private and personal on my FB.

I don't really think people will believe him.  At least not the ones who matter.

[Mutt]

I don't really think people will believe him.  At least not the ones who matter.

I have to agree. I was triggered with this as well.

I realized that no one is asking me my side of the story. How does that make them look like if they believe this type of nonsense? Why does my partner need to post messages with a sub-context of victimization on the internet?

It shows immaturity from your ex and gullibility with his followers that feed into the dynamic.

[SickofMe]

It's tempting to put up a meme about cheating or something like that (he didn't as far as I know).

I'm reduced to an adolescent by all of this.

[Mutt]

Take the high road. Try not to let it get to you. He doesn't need help making himself look foolish on the internet. He's doing a good job on his own.

[SickofMe]

Take the high road. Try not to let it get to you. He doesn't need help making himself look foolish on the internet. He's doing a good job on his own.

Good point.  Thank you!

[Mutt]

You're welcome 

[enlighten me]

People will disagree with me but I do think pwBPD do go tgrough the pain of break up as we do. I have read this on sights for pwBPD. I think tge difference is that they mourn the loss before the break up happens. They realise it wont work so they break up without letting us know. This is during the devaluation stage. This is why they move on so quick and replace us so quick.

[Mutt]

People will disagree with me but I do think pwBPD do go tgrough the pain of break up as we do. I have read this on sights for pwBPD. I think tge difference is that they mourn the loss before the break up happens. They realise it wont work so they break up without letting us know. This is during the devaluation stage. This is why they move on so quick and replace us so quick.

I'm in this camp. I triggered mine with saying I want a divorce out of frustration. She fears abandonment, this drove her away, I also know that she copes differently than I. Her way of coping was that she had to find someone. She lacks a sense of self and she was not feeling good because I had become a trigger and I had my role in our conflict. It takes two.

During her dissociative phase she had conflicted feelings of guilt and projected her feelings, her maladaptive coping mechanism driven by the disorder. Shortly after the split she had told me that she grieved the marriage in the r/s. At the time I didn't believe it, one way of looking at it is that she checked out emotionally. I cope differently and it hit me hard and I grieved after the split.

In regards to SickofMe, her ex sees himself as a failure. He's dependent on the approval of others and is telegraphing that on the internet.

[SickofMe]

I have no doubt he is hurt over our breakup.  It's the way he's cast himself as the "victim" that makes me angry.

I *think* that he probably did feel engulfed in the r/s at the end but that is not an excuse for the way he ended things with me and he knows better.  Adults are able to do difficult things (like have a proper breakup with someone who has never mistreated them) and he chose the coward's way out by being mad ON PURPOSE (he told me so) and stonewalling.

I suspect that he has chilled out a little and realizes what he's done.  Also, not to sound arrogant, but he won't do "better" than me and he knows that--I bet he is a little scared regarding his ability to replace me.  I'm educated, professional, kind, attractive, and loved him.  He may have a fan club on FB, but most of them would be horrified if they knew how he actually lives.  When we met, I believed he was in a difficult "situation" and the circumstances warranted it, but those circumstances have changed.  It would be hard to fool someone into believing him at this point.

[momtara]

Haven't read all the responses, but if you want closure, you could try to write him an email, and keep revising it first, saying what you need to say (not placing blame)... .you may have done this, haven't been following it.