An apology - II

[sheepdog]

I DID have a choice.  I am an adult.  I could have stopped it sooner.  I knew it was wrong... . 

I feel a lot of sadness reading that. I dunno why. All of us could say that. This is at the core of every story here. I feel so much shame about stuff I did during my marriage. My ex drank to excess one night, passed out, and defecated in bed. He must've tried to get up, but got disoriented, and stumbled around the room, smearing feces everywhere. On the curtains, the carpet, the bedspread, himself. I cleaned it up the next morning while he yelled at me, calling me a whore, telling me I was a b!tch, that I was too overly dramatic about everything. It took me 8 hours to clean everything. I don't know why I didn't just walk away that day. I had a choice. I am an adult. I could have stopped it sooner. I knew it was wrong.

My T said it's about repetition compulsion. This isn't about you being an adult who has a choice. You're missing the point. It's about being a child who has to emotionally reconcile what happened, whatever that was. Extreme shame tends to stunt us emotionally. Some part of you is desperate to grow. You weren't paying attention, and had to do this in order to get you to listen. It was the same for me.

"Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats a traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again." Freud noted how "'the patient does not remember anything of what he has forgotten and repressed, he acts it out, without, of course, knowing that he is repeating it."

"... .a person actively engages in behavior that mimics an earlier stressor, either deliberately or unconsciously, so that in particular events that are terrifying in childhood become sources of attraction in adulthood. For instance, a person who was spanked as a child may incorporate this into their adult sexual practices; or a victim of sexual abuse may attempt to seduce another person of authority in his or her life (such as their boss or therapist): an attempt at mastery of their feelings and experience, in the sense that they unconsciously want to go through the same situation but that it not result negatively as it did in the past."

Whoa, livednlearned.

Wow.

That is some seriously heavy stuff.

It kind of really hit a nerve there. 

Wow.

But, if this is the case, why doesn't my therapist say things like this to me? 

We've hardly even touched on it... .

And I am so sorry that you had to go through that.   

So you were trying to work something out from your childhood in situations like that?

Thank you.  I am definitely going to look up what you mentioned.  I have never heard of it before. 

[livednlearned]

I DID have a choice.  I am an adult.  I could have stopped it sooner.  I knew it was wrong... . 

I feel a lot of sadness reading that. I dunno why. All of us could say that. This is at the core of every story here. I feel so much shame about stuff I did during my marriage. My ex drank to excess one night, passed out, and defecated in bed. He must've tried to get up, but got disoriented, and stumbled around the room, smearing feces everywhere. On the curtains, the carpet, the bedspread, himself. I cleaned it up the next morning while he yelled at me, calling me a whore, telling me I was a b!tch, that I was too overly dramatic about everything. It took me 8 hours to clean everything. I don't know why I didn't just walk away that day. I had a choice. I am an adult. I could have stopped it sooner. I knew it was wrong.

My T said it's about repetition compulsion. This isn't about you being an adult who has a choice. You're missing the point. It's about being a child who has to emotionally reconcile what happened, whatever that was. Extreme shame tends to stunt us emotionally. Some part of you is desperate to grow. You weren't paying attention, and had to do this in order to get you to listen. It was the same for me.

"Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats a traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again." Freud noted how "'the patient does not remember anything of what he has forgotten and repressed, he acts it out, without, of course, knowing that he is repeating it."

"... .a person actively engages in behavior that mimics an earlier stressor, either deliberately or unconsciously, so that in particular events that are terrifying in childhood become sources of attraction in adulthood. For instance, a person who was spanked as a child may incorporate this into their adult sexual practices; or a victim of sexual abuse may attempt to seduce another person of authority in his or her life (such as their boss or therapist): an attempt at mastery of their feelings and experience, in the sense that they unconsciously want to go through the same situation but that it not result negatively as it did in the past."

Whoa, livednlearned.

Wow.

That is some seriously heavy stuff.

It kind of really hit a nerve there. 

Wow.

But, if this is the case, why doesn't my therapist say things like this to me? 

We've hardly even touched on it... .

And I am so sorry that you had to go through that.   

So you were trying to work something out from your childhood in situations like that?

Thank you.  I am definitely going to look up what you mentioned.  I have never heard of it before. 

Your T is saying this to you.

All I know is once my therapist said I was trying to heal old wounds. I guess that is part of it.

[sheepdog]

Hi livednlearned.  Sorry for just now getting back.

Yes, she said that but that is it.  She said it to me but it has never been explored, never delved into.  How do you say that and not mention it again?


I have not been on for a while.

I feel so very lost.

I haven't gone to therapy in months due to funds and life but I know I need to.

I truly feel completely lost.

[happylogist]

Hi Sheep,

I've just seen your trend and just want to share with you my emotions and thoughts.

I also had an extramarital affair with uBPD, which was also horribly toxic. We started as friends, moved to intimacy and a year in a very complicated long-distance relationship with all BPD classics. I also got estranged from two our mutual friends because of him starting a relationship with one of them and me fearing of him telling anything about me.

I understand a lot about you confusion.  I also had and sometimes still have extreme feelings of shame, guilt, confusion of who I am and how horrible I can be, loneliness, desire to prove that I am lovable, doubts about it, feeling of hurt, guilt towards my husband, my parents and even my ex.

The morning after spending a night with my ex - I had a word "stoning for adultery" playing non-stop in my mind, picked up from the news. I was thinking that this is it, I can't be back to my "good" self. I let myself down. I wanted to improve, wanted to prove to my ex that I am a good person, and wanted to spare my husband from myself- thinking that I was doing a good thing.

I asked once my husband what would be his grounds for divorce  before the affair and he had told me that adultery and me falling in love with someone. I was honest with my husband - but as much as he wanted to know immediately after the affair. Why did I tell him? Because it was too painful to be with him, I wanted to tell him and run away, hoping that it would give him an opportunity to find someone who was worthy and for myself - start over and be a good person.

I do not know how I fell in love with my uBPD ex, but what I am trying to understand now - why and how I allowed everything to happen to me, why was I scared so much to lose my ex while feeling pain from our relationship.  Why I always believed that my husband was going to leave me one day or would stop loving me? I also had an excruciating pain of understanding that a year ago before an affair I would swear I was not capable of doing it... .and yet a year later I did.  While reading through your comments I could identify myself, I also I felt so many times that people who were emphatic with me and asked me to forgive myself were overly nice, the ones who told me that I was a victim - did not understand the extent of my cruelty. At the same time when I was harshly criticized for my actions I felt misunderstood again - I never wished anything bad to my husband or to my ex, I did it, I was there, but all along the way I was trying to make it better while getting more sucked in. I made some horrible choices.   

My husband and I are still together and our relationship improved a lot. Sometimes it is very hard, but I am not going to give up and let myself down once again. What helped me not so much him knowing about the affair (he did not want to know the details and was really hurt, I was sorry I caused him pain by telling it to him), but being completely open with him, caring, but at the same time pulling me out from "co-dependency" mode - being committed and independent.  I am also struggling with my guilt, which affects negatively our relationship, but I try to control that as well.  I know you tend to blame yourself (which I also do/did), but look at the reasons why you started FRIENDSHIP with your ex, rather than the affair or BPD behavior. What is that that was missing in your friendship with your husband? I loved being the strong one, while in my relationship with my husband it is quite the opposite. I loved the idea of saving my back then uBPD friend, being able to understand the complicated reasons behind his depression and being there for him. I felt strong and empowered, non-emotional and enduring. There has to be an answer for you too.  And of course, childhood and past life experiences - first relationships, self-image in teenager years, patterns of fantasies and roles we played about intimacy and childhood, our early understandings of love or friendship.

[sheepdog]

happylogist, thank you so much for your post.  Yes, I know I am responding literally a year later but I missed this due to computer problems and this site being quite a bit triggering sometimes.  I was going to write thanks several months ago but I got a warning because the thread is more than 90 days old.  Going to post this now anyway and hopefully you will see it.

So much of what you said resonated with me.  Especially the 'start over and be a good person' and him finding someone who was worthy of him.  I will keep digging.

Thank you.

[livednlearned]

I'm glad you came back to say hi, sheepdog. 

I was wondering how you were doing, if you were okay.

[Grey Kitty]

  How are you feeling a year later?

[sheepdog]

I thought better, but maybe not... .