What is best response to be "ordered out" of the house?

[formflier]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237925.0

Above is the "issue of the moment."

So... the value that I am attempting to live out and "enforce" is that I don't do threats... .and in my marriage neither party should "order" each other or "tell" each other to do things.

A couple of times... .during dysregulation... .or high agitation (if not full scale dysregulated)... .she has demanded... told... or "asked" me to go to my parents because she doesn't trust me.

I've not taken the bait... .done the I'm sorry you feel that way thing... .

So... the good part continues to be that I've stayed calm... .not taken bait... .not "counter accused" (she has broken money agreements and given "our" money to members of her family)

What I would like some input on... .is what do I do if she tries to corner me... .in a mean or dysregulated way about are you or are you not going to my parents "like I asked"... .or told... .or whatever.

If she is calm... .I'm happy to discuss it with her and express my feelings about why I do not want to do that... .or think it is good for our r/s.

If she is dysregulated... .I think I'm going to stick with an offer to discuss it in a few minutes we we can speak properly to each other... .or some variation on that.

I think a direct NO when she is on a tear... .will further inflame things.  If she is calm and starts to dysregulate... I try some validation and exit conversation if needed.

But... .I think complying (and going to parents based on her theories or reasoning about distrust)... .will only "feed the monster"

Thoughts?

[maxsterling]

But... .I think complying (and going to parents based on her theories or reasoning about distrust)... .will only "feed the monster"

In my opinion, yes, BUT - the monster is already fed.  Whether you go to your parents or not won't do anything to change an already tense and delusional situation.  it *could* give you space away from the madness, which may or may not help you.  And it would also give her space away from you, which may or may not calm her down.  But feeding the monster?  She's already delusional, so I don't know if I would worry too much about that.

Additional thoughts - your name is on the lease/mortgage, too?  If so, it *is* your house too, and that is important!  Can I assume you are already sleeping separately right now?  Any way you can be somewhere else in the house as sort of a compromise to not completely leaving the house?

[Grey Kitty]

Safety first. You don't want to "push" things to the point where she will call the police. I think you know how bad it is for you to be accused (even falsely) of domestic violence.

Boundaries second. Letting her "kick you out of the house" is a new and bad precedent. You left last time due to CPS forcing you out. Standing firm makes sense in a lot of ways here.

She's obviously spooled up right now. Keeping your distance as much as possible while staying in the house is an excellent idea.

I'm hoping that MC will help defuse this somewhat.

[formflier]

 

So... .I stopped by the house an hour ago...   totally normal.  Talked to her... kids... .gave her a touch and pat on back... .all was fine.  I basically acted normal... .and she did too.

My plan... .is not bring anything up... .until MC... unless she does.

Max,

She sometimes goes to other rooms to sleep... .and sometimes stays in my bed.  We had great sex last night... .I figured all was behind us. 

So... .Sunday... .she discovers my crimes... .wigs out.  Appears calm around bedtime... .but I could kinda tell she was "seething" quietly.  She went to another room.  I went to bed. 

Next morning (yesterday) morning.  I great her... she is quiet.  I ask if she wants to go upstairs to cuddle and pray (our morning routine)... .she says no that she doesn't want to.  (here is probably what I shouldn't have done)... .I then asked her if she would go even though she didn't want to... .and surprisingly... .she gave a clear answer... .NO.  I didn't "bite" ... .just went about my business.

Then... .she got a phone call asking if she could substitute teach.  I validated that she could... .that she would be great at it... .etc etc... and she said yes... .and right before she left... .we hugged... .she said maybe we should pray... we had nice prayer... .and off she went.  Total demeanor shift.  She had a great day as a kindergarten teacher...   great discussion that night about her day.  You would never know anything was ever wrong.

I was wiped out... .so I went to bed about 10... .she stayed up doing crafts.  It was nice kiss goodnight... .and off I went.  I awoke when she got into bed... .reached out for her... .she seemed responsive... .so we had some great sex. 

This morning... a bit moody waking up... .but "fine"... .but all the signs were there that she had been stewing again for most of the night.

She calls me at work... .asked about my schedule... .why wasn't this on calendar... .that on calendar... ."did I even go to work yesterday?".  I stayed calm... gave answers clear... .once... .then no JADE. 

Followed by some email exchange about me not coming home... she sent... .I didn't respond. 

Then... .a decent phone call this afternoon about routine house business stuff... .(actually the stolen check)... .then a nice stop by the house... .and now I'm about to go home... .to who knows what.

And... .the killer is... .I'm horribly busy at work right now.  So... .I need to find some productive time tonight.


I have stood my ground against getting kicked out of my bedroom... .and so far that seems to work.  My general plan is to stand my ground about getting "kicked out" of house. 

I want to do that without saying NO... .and without saying I will never do that.  In other words my plan is to talk a lot... .look for ways to validate... .lots of SE... .little bit of T. 

My value I'm trying to live out... .is that I'm not going to be in a marriage where I get ordered around... .and comply.  She can order... .I can choose to listen... .or not... .

Max,

You are right... .for years... .I've fed the monster.  As long as I feel calm and in control... .so far so good there... .my plan is to not feed that anymore.

Keep the comments coming... .

And... .wish me luck... .

[maxsterling]

My plan... .is not bring anything up... .until MC... unless she does.

That's usually the course I take.  Not sure if it is the best, because sometimes it is hard to calm my own brain and I wind up living inside my head for awhile in fear of the inevitable.  And sometimes I think I should be looking for signs that things are baseline enough that I can discuss these types of incidents outside of MC.  But I have been BURNED before.  I think she is calm enough and we are in the middle of a good conversation, but the minute she hears me utter the word "you" or bring up any past event, she gets defensive and on to level 10+ in less than 5 seconds.

What a bizarre situation you are in - but boy it sounds familiar.  A big blowup and my head is spinning, then I think there is nothing more to discuss, want it to just blow away, and I think it does, we have a good evening, then a day or two later it is back.  The sad thing here is that probably the likely resolution will be for her to forget about it, move on without apologizing or acknowledging it, and if you bring it up again she will be mad at you for bringing up the past.  Yet at some point in the future, months or a year from now, she will drag it off the shelf once more and hit you over the hear with it.

[formflier]

 

Yep... .Max you are probably right about the resolution.

We had a pleasant encounter at home.  I'm fixing dinner for her and rest of family now.

Imagine formflier is no long a naval aviator... .but now I'm a combat engineer from the Army. 

Trying to find my way forward without stepping on a mine... .in an unmarked minefield.

Poking around with a knife... .

[formflier]

 

All seems well... .she was a bit grumpy this morning... .but I think that was nervousness about a chance to be in the classroom again today.